Two weeks of daily European Euro action end today, to the delight of work productivity enthusiasts and other Dementor-types. My answer is holding accountable every employer who has spent the last year scheduling mandatory talks on mindfulness and workers’ emotional state. Take frequent breaks, they say–how about a single, two-hour break to watch European countries settle ancestral slights through diving pageants in the football pitch? Or, praise Gamblor, TWO breaks, as we are blessed today with the last four games of the group stage. But first, let’s pay our respects to the dead.
Oh, Scotland. Your heroic draw against Englen and first half of berserker ball against the Croats were life-affirming. May you continue to enter Int’l tourneys and inspire the equally hungry and unskilled.
North Macedonia beat Germany IN GERMANY in a World Cup qualifier back in March, .21. The ‘Donia lost all three Euro group games, but got enough hipster momentum to get referred as simply “Macedonia”, thereby pissing off a lot of uppity Greeks. That’s a win in my book.
The Russians conceded seven goals in their three group games, results far worse than as 2018 World Cup hosts. Still, the Russian 2020 Euro results were much more successful than the Afghan campaign in the 80s.
The Turks proved to be the cockroach in a chicken dance—hey, it’s a Spanish idiom, and therefore 100% raycicism free. Anyway, to clarify: fuck Turkey’s genocide-denying, formulaic soap-opera churning ass.
And that’s it; everyone else is still in it.
Four third-place teams qualify for the knockouts, which start on Saturday. The bronzers who’ve played all of their group games are the following:
Country | Points |
Goals Scored |
Goal Diff. |
Watchable? |
Check Republik | 4 | 3 | +1 | Yes |
Sick ‘O The Swiss | 4 | 4 | -1 | More than work |
Ukraine | 3 | 4 | -1 | When the camera’s on the coach. O Sheva 🥰 |
Finnnns | 3 | 1 | -2 | Fuck no |
To the Games!
Group E plays at 11 AM Central. Here’s the current table:
Sweden v. Poland
Sweden will advance even if it loses (source: Arithmetic). It has scored only one goal, on a penalty against Slovakia. My take: Sweden is the annoying underdog who can get far through anti-fútbol. Everybody hates those teams, but the Europeen Euros have coronated two: 1992 Denmark, and 2004 Greece. Not again, please.
Poland has The Incredible Bobby Lewandowski and 17 years-old midfielder Kacper Kozlowski, the youngest player ever at the Euros. Counterpoint: Wojciech Szczesny is still their goalie—the first goaltender in Euro history to be credited with an own goal (against Slovakia a coupla days ago).
Predicción: Polonia wins, because I really really want that result. Which explains why I rarely bet for moneys.
Slovakia v. Spain
Umm, Actually Dept.: the Wild and Crazy Czech brothers played by Dan Aykroyd and Steve Martin are Slovak. I remember the Aykroyd character saying once that they were from Bratislava, so no need for fact-checking. A draw against Spain will get them through the knockouts.
Spain has been a spectacle—of failure! Spain won the chance to host Euro games, and chose to play in Seville in a stadium that was terrible according to… The Spanish National Team. Two miserable draws (or delightful, if you hate España /raises hand) is all they gots. Spain’s Pong-style passing game reached its peak against Sweden: 75% possession through 13,000 passes completed, one for every groan in the unwatchable ESP 0 : 0 SWE. This, and the second draw against Poland, brought out the best of the memeratti, celebrating the lousy aim of Spanish forward Álvaro Morata:
Spain needs to win this one to advance. A Slovak win would make me insufferably happy, so bet for the tie.
Predicción: The result will annoy me.
Group F plays at 2 PM Central. Here’s the current table:
Oof. That group is more stacked than the FBI’s COINTELPRO Archiv—I mean, the Score Magazine Boob Cruise. Almost lost you there, huh. Sorry.
Germany v. Hungary
Here’s your headline: Culture Wars Mar an Otherwise Peppy Hun Get-Together. The game’s in Allianz Arena in Munich, whose city government requested UEFA to display rainbow lighting at the stadium. In a bold display of bureaucracy, UEFA denied the request. The reasoning was that putting a rainbow in the stadium was not a message of inclusion, but a political statement given the context of playing Hungary—whose political leaders are on a homophobic bender. (That’s top-shelf sophistry by UEFA, which I opt to learn from in the hope of becoming a more insufferable irritant.) UEFA even suggested, to Munich, alternatives to celebrate Pride Month in dates when no European Euro games were played there.
Folks, condescension really is the ultimate Power Move.
Tchermany has looked great, the only blemish being an own-goal by Mats Hummels against France—which I liked, as I’ve been banging the “Why is everybody so damn smitten by sucky suck Hummels” drum for THREE YEARS.
Hungary needs to win to advance, which is not impossible. They handled France very well last Saturday, getting a draw at home against the World Champions. That was Hungary’s apex, methinks. In the second Saturday game, Germany conceded a goal to Cristiano Ronaldo, and proceeded to become the Germany we’ve always known—and never missed. That GER – POR may have been the best game of the tournament, until
Portugal v. France.
This tilt has rerun-on-BeIn Sports on a random May morning at 3 AM, “All-Time Classic” potential. These two were the finalists on the 2016 Europeen Euros, which Portugal won on penalties in France. Since then, you might have heard, all France has done is win the 2018 World Cup, and getting (by my count), 20 wins, six draws, and two losses in European competitions. My complaint: the French are maddening because, to my peasant eyes, they seem only interested in frustrating the opponent and not in scoring or having anything resembling fun—the delightful Antoine Griezmann being the notable exception. Les Bleus ended Benzema’s banishment after the 2010 debacle in the South Africa World Cup, and allow me to summarize his contributions in this Euros with a gif from my Permanent Collection:
France is already through, and it’s likely that Portugal goes forward with a loss. Still, I expect Portugal to be eager and get the 4-2 taste off their mouths. In fact, I do not see Portugal allowing four goals again on my lifetime.
Something to look forward to: England plays the 2nd place of this group in London next Tuesday—i.e., either France, Germany or Portugal. I really like [fill in the blank’s] chances against Englen.
Predicciones: Germany wins, FRA – POR draws, English podcasters commit mass suicide after next Tuesday’s game.
In our little COPA Pick ’em pool, most took Peru, a few took Eco-door, and ZERO people picked a tie. We are smrt.
The good people of Muncher should have told UEFA to stuff it up their bum and decked that stadium out with ginormous rainbows, and had every drag queen in Germany sitting right behind the Hungry Guy’s bench tossing glitter around and singing Judy Garland songs. Fuck these homophobes with a rusty fleshlight!
A Good Starting Point-every player in The Copa begins with a yellow card next to their name and refs are advised to look for faking injuries, subject to review.
The team from Lima is playing like they’ve got something to peruve.
Chile out, it was just a joke!
Oh shit! I just remembered some dumb game from my bartending days. It went like this-‘substitute any word for a similar word and put that word into a song and sing a line from that song’.
Among my faves were, Cyndie Lauper’s “Monkey Changes Everything” and “Fat-Bottomed Squirrels” and “Stairway To Kevin” and “Crazy on Jews” by Heart.
That seems like it would only work with abundant drink.
Please don’t sing the whole verse of the Heart song.
What about changing 2 words?
“Someone shaved my wife tonight, Honey Bear”
“Hold me close, I’m tired of dancing.”
“Hold me closer, Tony Danza”.
ECO-DOOR UP 2-0!
England vs. Germany
Haven’t we seen this before?
“BAH GAWD, KAISER – THAT’S LENI RIEFENSTAHL’S MUSIC!”
Whoa, huge news in the Ice Football world:
https://www.tsn.ca/alleged-assaults-of-chicago-blackhawks-players-an-open-secret-source-1.1659115
Oh man. That’s brutal.
Holy shit
“Meh, it’ll blow over, nothing to worry about.”
-USA Gymnastics, Penn State AD, USA Swimming, The Ohio State University, USA Water Polo, The Western Hockey League, etc.,
“Not my problem.”
— Rep. Jim Jordan (R), OH
I know it’s because the cameras as so far back from the field but The Copa looks like a footy tourney for guys that are 5’3″ and shorter.
With the COPA starting right away, should we all go back to Horatio’s post?
[whispers to self] Sounds like a lotta work
Sunday Afternoon should be Rocking!!!
Belgium vs Portugal!!!
Heck yea!
Two per day from Saturday to Tuesday.
Love that SWE – UKR is for Blue & Yella Supremacy.
Oh fuck. If The Broom sends Ronaldo home I’m gonna be #onehappyhoser.
Winner of the German/English match easily walks to the finals. It’s amazing how weak that side of the bracket is
Holy shit! TSN isn’t fucking around-goes right into Ecuador/Peru. Wakezilla, when you’re reading this 10 minutes from now, you should maybe write a nasty email to someone.
Peoe’s kit reads: “Dry Clean Only, after hydrochloric acid bath”.
Sane has been bad for a year. How is he on the German squad, let alone in the starting XI?
Was it the grab? The kick? You don’t even know why you whistled.
-B. Fernandez
Germany and Hungary tie? The Kaiser won’t approve of this.
“It’s their turn. We were tied with Hungary for a really long time.” — Austria
Unfortunately, I don’t think Low knows his best starting XI, so England should probably beat them
Southgate vs Low is a match made in heaven.
“Not so sure of that-I can see Germany winning.”
-Robert Harris, author of “Fatherland”
Wakezilla is gonna be so pissed when he discovers that I’ve been slowing down the video waves (as I understand it) as they cross Ontario, resulting in his slow feed.
Amazing what you can do with these vaccine microchips.
It’s all right there in the manual, if people would just read the damned thing.
“I’m sorry, I only accept information delivered by an angry white guy ranting into his camera on YouTube.” — anti-vaxxers
“After I got the vaccine, I actually won an argument with my wife!”
-Moderna ad
damn dial up internet.
Is it my internet speed or is it TSN? It shouldn’t be our internet…
it’s the conversion from Euro’s to Canadian dollars that slows it down.
/ It’s totes TSN
Goretzka scoring is not surprising. . .
England now have Germany. lol
MOAR WAR JOKES!
Don’t get up Wakezilla!
Germany back in the tourney.
Whaaaa
Phew! Kroos somehow missed that
this France vs Portugal game is kind of Rocking!!
also, Germany is done? Like out of the tourney, Right??
If results hold.
Results have not held.
-Ron Howard voice
DID LOW JUST SUB OFF HAVERTZ FOR TIMO FUCKING WERNER?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Holy shit!! Special thanks to Low for keeping Sane out there
Portugal keeper is a beast!
Insane couple of saves
Saves don’t get better than that.
That Pogba strike was nucular
Hungary’s manager is early-career M. Night Shyamalan.
Damnit Kai Havert, why can’t you be more like Timo Werner?
Germany tied?!
Yes, and now they’re down again.
Fuck! I’m legally paying for this and I’m minutes behind you guys
Same. Sling delay is real and is a bitch
Whaaaa
not anymore
Damn helium balls.
You just can’t prevent Ronaldo from scoring, if he wants to.
At least he apologizes after the fact
Poor Bruno, not being able to take a PK today. He must be heartbroken.
Penalties for all! #MateuLadraws
Glad this ref isn’t around when I have my hand down my pants.
Ah shit. Goretzka is coming on.
On a related note, why the shit is Sane on the pitch.
Ha ha, Ronaldo, you suck.
/he doesn’t suck though, that’s the problem.
And if he could be a bit less handsome, that would be great.
That’s better.
Welp.
“See, I *told* you I don’t suck!” – Ronaldo
“Whether you like it or not, I’m forcing my ball in you”
Ronaldo, C
England Vs Hungary as it stands
We can’t have that. Have Hungary finish 3rd. We need the English to eat shit
I made some fairly bomb-ass carnitas last night. No sides survives so I’ve reheated the carnitas with fathers day mashed potatoes and asparagus.
I don’t talk much shit around here — and especially related to food/hometowns — but this is a good job by me.
The Neo-Nazis are teaching the Nazis some new tricks. But something tells me the Nazis might pull out an old trick or two to get back into the Nazi Bowl.
On a related note: It was a pretty dick move for Hungary to get into the EU and spend that new money to re-enforce their fascist movement
Hungary’s government can fuck right off.
Agreed. They’re also very homphobic. Fuck UEFA for banning Germany to holding a pro LGBTQ thing before this match
Both sides may want to avoid the showers after the match, then.
“Especially if they’re out of sight of your bindle!”
-J. Tomsula
I’m convinced Mateu Lahoz, referee in the France-Portugal game, has money on a draw.
So does half of DFO
“Should have been you, Dr. Fauci.” – antivaxxers upon hearing that ‘that antivirus guy’ died in a prison cell
/honestly I don’t know why they hate that guy so much
Muh Freedummbz!
That and the whole “Science Sucks!” thing.
If these results hold, Germany is out — Portugal takes 1st, France 2nd, and Hungary gets in as a #3. Germany would have a better goal differential than Ukraine, but 4th place teams aren’t eligible, right?
I can’t find my abacus, so I’ll take your word for it.
That’s the only part of this stuff I do understand. Still think that penalty on the French keeper is strange — looked to me like he was just going for the ball and missed, though the commentators seemed to be implying that would still be enough for a penalty
Ronaldo has always been talented at convincing people he’s going to put it one place, and then it ending up somewhere they didn’t expect.
When dose Hungry concede an own goal?
Hugo with the TKO