Good morning dear fútbol enthusiast or degenerate gambler. Sadly we have no international games today but let’s take a look at what we have coming up! I have assembled the greatest fútbol mind(s) that our site has to offer. (not legally binding)

Balls: Um, before we start the festivities, can I say something?

/ gets cans of tomatoes thrown at him.

Balls: Ooh, Marzano! At least you fuckers have taste! (of course we do, Yeah Right is a deity)

Anyhoo, I found it extremely funny that right after UEFA didn’t let the Germans light their stadium in rainbow colours (we capitalize the superfluous U’s around here mister) for the Germany-Hungary match, advertisers decided to rainbow up their ads for the Knockout games and specially the game to be played in Hungary between the Netherlands and the Czech Republic and UEFA had no choice but to go along with it!

The lesson, as always, is that UEFA sucks balls and are a bunch of hypocritical assholes that only care about money.

Carry on.

LC: Thank you, I will.

First up is Switzerland v Spain in St. Petersburg where there totally isn’t a Covid 19 problem right now.

Finnish fans probably see things a bit different than ole Vladdy in this matter. That’s ok because UEFA is completely ignoring everything too so let’s play some futbol!!!!!

LC: I have a soft spot for the Spanish (Sorry Don T) as I went to every Spanish game in 2008 and made some long lasting friends from Zaragoza and Vigo (town not a swarthy man from the coast). The Spaniards started slow but turned it on their last 2 matches. I will say the own goal against the Croats was absolutely shocking but this Spanish team is a bit different from their Golden Age who won everything.

Morata has to be the most frustrating striker I’ve ever seen at this level. Shocking finishing for the most part but then flashes of brilliance which is absolutely maddening. I do not think that the Swiss Albanians have much left in the tank as the French win was their final. Spain 3-1.

BALLS: The draw has opened up nicely (phrasing!) for the Spanish team as no one thought Switzerland would take out France. At the same time, Spain has rediscovered where the back of the net is,  scoring 5 goals in two consecutive games, a new Euro record. Confidence is high and this is reminiscent of how Spain won the World Cup in 2010 after starting the tournament badly.  The team they lost to in the opener that year? Switzerland.

I say they continue scoring and continue winning.

HIPPO: Blech, what an awful choice.  They can’t both lose, so let’s say Spain is better able to rotate in some fresh legs after their 120′ escape.  A 3-1 lead that isn’t blown in the last 10-15 of Normal Time.

DON T: Can’t hate the Swiss. They missed the penalty against France in the second half that should’ve given them a 2-0 lead. Instead, Frenz put in three goals (two of which were incredible). And the Swiss put in two more to tie after 80′. Spain, goddammit, are the most interesting team in the European Euros. They make boneheaded mistakes, shake it off, and try to score. Hate to say it, but don’t wanna see España gone. SWI 1 : 2 ESP.

Next on Friday is Belgium v Italy at the Fußball Arena in Munich which could be a classic

LC: Uh, when did Allianz back out of the sponsorship of that place or are they not in bed with UEFA? As Balls mentioned about the rainbow coloUrs earlier I thought it was great that other Bundesliga clubs lit their respective stadiums up with the rainbow. UEFA is like the son whose Dad is a complete corrupt dickhead and is learning to be just as racist and corrupt as Dad (Trumpy if you will).

I hope this will be a cracking matchup as I have a table reserved at the local pub during the Canadia long weekend. New Italy is damn impressive and is rolling. I bought a Chinese Immobile jersey before I read a bunch of books about the Lazio Ultras. A lot to racist-y for me, would not want to be associated with that.

Belgium has always been ranked very high and has never met expectations. Could this be the day? I sure hope Lukaku and the Hazards show up and send the Italians packing. DFO favoUrite The Broom has an owie??? That’s no good. Will I gamble on this bout? No, no I will not.

HIPPO: Maybe Allianz sponsored some sort of rainbow ad?  Not exactly on-brand for Germany, but one never knows.  Really hope Belgium wins, which means they won’t.  2-0 Eye-Ties.

BALLS: I also see this as a classic. I was impressed with the New Italy that could defend like the Classic Italy yet also score. And then they played a stinker against Wales and now I don’t know what to think. If they could go back to New Italy, they would be my favourite but doing that against Belgium will be difficult.

I think this one goes to penalties and the Belgians move forward

DON T: Italy has the best team in the tourney, although Austria made them look bad in long stretches. Belgium is at 80%, with Eden Hazard and Kevin The Brainer being (checks Sky Sports) questionable against Italy. Still, I got BEL 1 : 0 ITA on a penalty kick. The Belsh got Lukaku, who will run over the Italian defense Tractorcito-style.

Saturday we have the Republican Cheques v the Breakfast Danishes at the Baku Olimpiya Stadionu.

LC: Well, this was unexpected. Are the Cheques this years Greece from 2004? Are the Pastries the Pastries of 1992? They lost arguably their best player to a heart attack but keep on trucking. I will say that they did play their games in Copenhagen to a full house which was a very big advantage we will see how they do in….Baku?!?!? What the fuck? Oh, dirty money again, I guess that explains it. In my mind this one is going to penalties for sure.

BALLS: Just like the Spanish Inquisition,  no one saw this coming.  After literally coming back from the dead, Denmark is on a massive roll.  That 4-0 destruction of Wales was a thing of beauty.  On the other side, the Czechs don’t impress, they just go through.  There’s something roughly Germanic about that.

Call me a sucker for a feel-good story,  but I think Denmark keeps the party rolling. They beat Death already,  a Czech team shouldn’t be that tough a task.

HIPPO: Methinks ESPN/ABC/Disney would sue the Chekists for ruining their heartstrings (no ofence Christian) story.  But this seems like an easy pastry win.  Say 2-nil by half, and stays that way.

DON T: These two teams are crashing the party and it’s been great. Regardless of the result, the winner will be crowned The Heartbreak Kids

/ducks chair

CZE 0 : 0 DEN (DEN advances on PKs)

Followed by Sweden v Deutschland (written Monday night, WOW was I fucking wrong)in Roma the city not the people.

LC: Oh please for the love of God someone beat England. Who better than the Shevchenko led Ukrainians! If you really want to get behind them then drink nothing but vodka on Friday, eat perogies and borscht. It isn’t that I hate any of the English players per se, it is that their media and fans are Boston amplified by 200. I am happy to continue on life with them getting their hopes crushed every two years like a god damned Fulham fan.

I think the English will make it to the final and hopefully get crushed by Belgium?Spain?Italy? SOMEONE!!!!!

BALLS:  There is an old saying in football that Gary Lineker made famous: “Soccer is a simple game: twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win”. Not to put too fine a point on it,  but this has the feel of a German tournament victory even though they have not looked good at times. I mean,  HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SIDE OF THE BRACKET?

This is being written on Monday prior to the Germans beating England,  so this could be hilariously off if the English beat them, but I’m sticking to it: Germany wins this and gets to the Final.  I did say hilariously wrong, didn’t I?  The one thing I didn’t realize was that the England-Germany game was going to be held in London.  Fucking home field advantage for a knockout game?  Even the English couldn’t fuck that up!  Next game is in Rome against Ukraine.  GO UKRAINE!

HIPPO: Fuck England, fuck Southgate, fuck the partisan announcing (which has been excellent EXCEPT when England plays).  Exhausted Ukraine has no chance, loses 3-nil.

DON T: Ukraine got into the quarterfinals playing like an A-list futballing nation in the knockouts: back-passing, nervy on possession, attack only if everything is in place. That was against 10-man Sweden. England has been kinda bullying B-listers (looking at you, Tchermany). Goalie Pickford has looked spry, keeping clean sheets in every Euro game. Him and Sterling I like; the rest of the English can get fucked. This has all the ingredients of a plodding 1-0 that the English press will deem a heroic display of genius.    ,

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Pools Update!

As we enter the Knockout Stage of the Copa and the Quarterfinals of the Euro, let’s see how we are all doing, shall we?

EURO 2020 (in 2021!)

Fortunately for Decilitre, TheRevanchist forgot to enter his picks after he created his entry, so Decilitre is technically not last.

COPA