Your Monday Night Football Open Thread (Pre-season Edition)

Shall we pretend to make sense of the weekend’s games just like all the twitterers, youtubers and whores of the legacy media? You bet! What the hell else am I going to do, provide original content? Pffft!

-The Broncos aren’t as good as that 30-3 win over Seattle and Bridgewater isn’t as good as a top 10 qb. But he sure is better than a Lock. His hold on the starting qb job is tightening.

-Speaking of qb’s, Miami, Washington, K.C., the Jets and Steelers benefited greatly from giving their starters multiple series, a quarter or a half. All the above came out with a win-as with many things, this does not apply to the Bears.

-Did anyone make anything of the disparity between the records of non-existent teams and America’s Team? Them Texans are 2-0 (I don’t know exactly how) and them Cowboys are 0-3. Where, oh where did my little DAK! go? Oh where oh where can he be? Fans of the latter and no doubt laying the loss at the feet of DiNucci [makes aggressive hand gesture) and his 3 picks. Is Canned Ham gonna turn this whole thing around by hisself? I have some doubts.

-Meet Matt Cole. He’s a wr/punt gunner trying to make the Giants and he last played cornerback in high school. Why do I mention this? Whelp, I guess at some point on Saturday evening, just before the 1pm game the next day, the Giants coaching staff realized their secondary was short a player or two. Cole received a crash course on cb duties and played most of the 2nd half. He made three tackles and broke up a pass play. Does everyone feel good?

-The Vikes have brought in a doctor type to help Cousins and the rest of the team’s independent researchers. Hopefully he’ll be able to refute what “Suckmybigballs69” said on a big boob reddit thread last week.

TO The Game!

-The Jags have got Prison Girlfriend, right? And the Saints have a coach that has a boner for a holy underwear-wearing white fella, right? I’m guessing both are playing ’cause both need the reps

That is the extent of my research, enjoy.

5 5 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
61 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Brick Meathook

I’ve owned a Remington 870 shotgun for six years. I was highly trained in firearms in both the Boy Scouts and the United States Navy. We were taught responsiblty,

Six years I’ve never fired that weapon once and I’m proud of that.

rockingdog

Found a funny;

Conservative radio host Scrub Gruntley who recently tweeted “a rabbit would NEVER bend my shotgun so it was pointed at my face” has died after being shot in the face with his own shotgun

Sharkbait

I like to think I’m a somewhat decent and empathetic person, but I’m rapidly losing the ability to feel sorry for these asshats that spout this hoax and anti vax nonsense and then get sick and/or die.

Gumbygirl

I don’t have any sympathy for Nazi’s who are willing to kill kids and other vulnerable people.

E9K1NU-WUA80EoQ.jpeg
Sharkbait

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That is too good

Sharkbait

Oh thats fantastic

Gumbygirl

The bright side is they’re getting dewormed, I guess?

facebook_1629431258240_6834330044163869921_269871346917051(1).jpg
Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

— B. Walsh

Recovery Whiskey

Always great when your receivers have to bat the ball down to prevent a pick.

Looks like the legend of Gardner Minshew is going to be forever limited to fame on the Pirate Palouse.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There are plenty of times when it would be fun to say “Candyman”.

E9hJ0UCWUAABLlH.jpeg
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Like right after jumping out of an airplane while wearing a parachute, for example.

Recovery Whiskey

Refs won’t let any big plays happen in preseason

Brick Meathook

Frankie and Ellie
Halloween 2007

comment image

rockingdog

Whatssss uppp Rocking Dogsss!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Does anyone actually give a shit about preseason W-L?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some coaches do. It can be an opportunity to make money gambling, because the lines are never more than plus or minus 3.

Recovery Whiskey

I’m just here for the Urban Meyer fail

BaldingSpiritually

As quoted by a fan to Jimmy Johnson after his first NFL game ‘Not so easy when both teams are paid is it’’

herodotus450

Hey! Urban Meyer played USC plenty of times, I’m sure.

Mr. Ayo

DOINK!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I guess the “u” in Dawuane Smoot is silent? Maybe he’s from Canada. Otherwise it would be pronounced “Da-woo-ayne.” Amirite?

Anthony In TX

If Dwyane Wade can pronounce his name “Dwayne” instead of “Dwy-ane,” then Dawuane can do the same, I guess.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I just thought whoever filled out his birth certificate might have been dyslexic, and merely transposed the “y” and the “a.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Re: streaming ESPN

When we first cut the cord, I did research and figured out that Sling was the cheapest way to get ESPN. I think it still is. Fubo TV carries ESPN now too but I think their base package is still more expensive than Sling’s.

Anthony In TX

I’ll check it out. Thanks!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fubo is expensive af

TheRevanchist

I was looking at the Fubo prices the other day. A new pair of Jordan’s each month just seemed more reasonable.

Dunstan

About to make a sandwich for dinner. I have some really good turkey breast that spent 24 hours in the sous vide, but also some leftover ham. At times like this, you have to ask yourself, What Would Andy Reid Do?

TheRevanchist

All the above

Gumbygirl

It certainly would be more than “A” sandwich. Exponentially more.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Someone fire up the bread ovens.

blaxabbath

Man this was about as uneventful a Monday as I can recall. It’s gonna be weird rolling in tomorrow and not already having a to-do list 13 hours long.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You should have come refrigerator shopping with me! It had everything! Arguments! The prospect of spending a lot of money! Failure!

blaxabbath

Everything out of stock?

Gumbygirl

Juck me, Fesus!

facebook_1629764016444_6835725733230924831_463116184530678(1).jpg
Anthony In TX

This is an incredible movie about expelling the minions of Santa.

Redshirt

Current mood:

31600905-2929-45B6-A1E8-1CFCAEE6BC51.jpeg
Anthony In TX

Imagine my disappointment when I learned–after cutting the cord, of course–that my ESPN+ subscription does NOT include access to ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, SEC Network, etc., etc. Gotta find a different way to watch JV and MNF before the seasons begin in earnest….

Redshirt

YouTubeTV doesn’t have Reds games. That’s why their over achieving.

Anthony In TX

Part of the reason I cut the cord was to save money. With upgrading my Disney+ to ESPN+ bundle, I’m saving about $65-$70/month. Most of the streaming sports options wind up being about $65/month, so I’m not saving anything with one of those.
Also, it’s 2021. Local sports blackouts are bullshit and need to be a thing of the past.

Last edited 3 years ago by Anthony In TX
Gumbygirl

More like ESPN-, amirite?

Anthony In TX

Exactly! If it didn’t have English Championship and CFL, it really wouldn’t be worth it!

Viva La Tabula Raza

JAX QB reminds me of Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused. Like that Tim Lincecum guy that pitched for the Giants and the Angels.

Redshirt

He reminds me of a masculine Pat from 1990s SNL. Almost like they made a man but decided to throw on hair from the female bin just for shits and giggles.

Recovery Whiskey

Definitely see the 1990s vibe. Should be in a Seattle band opening for Mudhoney.

Don T

What acatch

Don T

I declare football back.
/switches to Justified

Brick Meathook

Here’s a picture of my dead dog Frankie. He was probably the best friend I ever had.

This photograph is late in his life. He was a rescue dog from an alley in East Los Angeles, and such a gentle creature. He had the sweetest heart ever. He was a glorious goofball.

The picture shows him on his couch, which was in my studio. It was a beat up sofa but it was the only furniture in the house that the dogs were allowed on.

However, since I was seemingly always in trouble with Andrea (and I don’t think I deserved it) I would sleep on the couch with Frankie. And we would have a hysterical competion for real estate on the couch. But we managed to make it work.

One night we were sleeping together on the couch and I farted and it was pretty awful, and it went straight at Frankie’s face. He rose, gave me the dirtiest look ever, and got off the couch and went upstairs.

Brind le boxer breeds usually die like clockwork on their tenth birthday, but Frankie lived to be twelve, but it was increasingly obvious that he was no longer enjoying life. We had to put another dog down a year earlier. It’s extremely unpleasant duty but we knew how to do it.

The night of Frankie’s death, he went out onto the front lawn (where ordinarily he was not allowed to go) and he laid down. He had it, he was done, and we knew it too. He was in pain. I knew we were going to have to put him down that night. But I got down on the lawn and laid with him and gently petted him and told him what an awesome dog and good friend he was to me.

One of the beauties of Los Angeles is that there is everything here, even 24 hour veterinary hospitals that are as good as human hospitals. This all happened at about midnight.

Frankie loved motoring. So for the last acts of his life I said “let’s go for a ride” and he perked up and got off the lawn and got into the back seat of Andrea’s Mercury MX hybrid. I drove and Andrea and Frankie rode together in the back. We lived in Santa Monica California so I drove to the beach road right next to the Pacific Ocean which he loved and could smell. It was the last fun thing he did in his life.

I then drove down Wilshire Boulevard to the veterinary hospital that was on Sepulveda Boulevard. This was not a pleasant trip for me.

Before we got to Sepulveda, Frankie died in the back seat, in Andrea’s arms. He went out like a man.

Frankie died in the back of a nice car built by the Ford Motor Company with a beautiful woman, just like President Kennedy.

comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

Man, reading your comment and glancing over at my old crippled chow circling the drain on her similar Kustom Kouch, was a little more emotion than I necessarily expected here. Sorry for your loss….

Dunstan

Good boy, Frankie!

Gumbygirl

Now I’m bawling. Good boy, Frankie. And good for you for giving him the life he deserved.

BaldingSpiritually

Lost a dog due to similar issues, but I had days to prepare and she passed peacefully. Not sure how I would have handled it if I was given hours. RIP Frankie and be at peace at your next life!

Anthony In TX

Because this is the internet and you can’t see me, I can assure you I am definitely NOT crying right now.*
My Maggie is almost 12, so I know our time is limited. I’m trying to enjoy as much as I can.

*We all know that’s a lie.

Last edited 3 years ago by Anthony In TX
Warthog

Beautiful story, well told. I don’t know that I’ve ever shed a tear for family (including 2 sisters and my father), but I haven’t failed to cry losing a dog.

Gumbygirl

My 16 year old cat died two days before my dad. Not gonna lie, cried harder over Wilbur the Wonder Kitty.

Recovery Whiskey

I’ve said bye to two great dogs in this past couple of years. All the feels dude. What a majestic looking boi. As the cliche goes, they give us thousands of the best days and one of the absolute worst.

rockingdog

He looks like one Rocking Dog.

My condolences.

Don T

Persuading Kirk Cousins requires a minister, a freemason, a CDC higher up, and the Treasurer of the Trilateral Commission.

Last edited 3 years ago by Don T
TheRevanchist

It must suck to have idiots on the team so dumb they have to bring in a specialist to teach them. But, we are talking about the Vikings, so…