EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: The Las Vegas Home for Imaginary Raiders [sic] is filmed in front of a live Alfa Romeo [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The music of From Autumn to Ashes blares throughout the house.  KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, munching from a big bag of Hawaiian Kettle Style potato chips.

— [door flies open] —

MARCUS MARIOTA: Hey!  Those are my chips…

KOLTON MILLER: [puts a finger to his lips] Shh…

KOLTON MILLER points across the room at two of his teammates, and the camera follows.

CARL NASSIB: (sobbing heavily)

RICHIE INCOGNITO: How’s it goin’, [redacted]?

CARL: (sniffles) Fine, I guess.

RICHIE: Oh, okay. So…why are you crying like a [redacted]?

CARL: I came out to the league last month. I thought the NFL would be supportive. I thought they’d accept me for who I am. And…honestly they were pretty good about it. The NFL matched my donation to the Trevor Project. Coach Gruden said “What makes a man different is what makes him great”. J.J. Watt put out a nice statement. Even Jim Irsay put the pipe down long enough to be cool about it.

RICHIE: That…sounds like good news, actually. So why are you crying?

CARL: Huh? Oh, cause I didn’t get a call back from the guys at the Thunder Down Under.

RICHIE: Ha ha ha, loser!

— [conscience flies open] —

ANGEL: Now Richie, coach talked to you about this. You gotta take players under your wing and encourage them to reach their full potential.

— [conscience flies closed] —

RICHIE: [grits teeth] I’m sorry your audition did not go well.

CARL: Audition?

RICHIE: It was brave of you to come out, but aren’t you worried that other players are going to call you a [redacted]?

CARL: No more than they already do. You call me that all the time.

RICHIE: Yeah, but that was before I knew about…you know.

CARL: You’ve known about this for a while, and you still call me that. You called me a [redacted] just twenty seconds ago.

RICHIE: Yeah, but I figured that since I’ve spent so much time hanging out with you it’s okay for me to say it. Like, I’m an honorary [redacted] now.

CARL: It doesn’t really work that way, Richie.

RICHIE: Anyways, I brought in somebody who I think can help.

CARL: Wait, help with what?

— [door flies open] —

DARREN ROVELL: Hello, Carl.

CARL: Wait, no, hold on a second here.  [to RICHIE INCOGNITO] Exactly what is it that you think I need help with?

RICHIE: Just listen to him, dude.

DARREN: Carl, your friend Richie here thought I should have a word with you. You’re lucky you have such a good friend, Carl. Not everyone has such good friends.

CARL: We’re not really friends, we’re just teammates.

DARREN: May I sit?

CUTAWAY TO: KOLTON MILLER, who nervously eyes the empty seat next to him on the couch and jealously clutches the bag of chips closer to his chest.

CARL: Okay. I guess.

DARREN: (sits down next to CARL, pats his leg) You may not believe me, but I know what you’re going through, Carl. We all suffer from crises of identity in our lives. Particularly when we’re young. It isn’t easy figuring out what kind of branding angle you’re going to work. We all need support. We all need help.

CARL: Yeah, that’s why I hired a PR firm.  They’ve done a fine job, apparently my jersey sales were through the roof.

DARREN: That’s great.  And I heard you made the final roster for the team.

CARL: [smiles brightly] I sure did.

DARREN: Well, there’s something you need to know about playing for a Raiders franchise that had one of the worst defenses in NFL history last year. IT GETS WORSE.

CARL: It does?

DARREN: That’s right. Paul Guenther’s defensive scheme was so complicated that nobody had any idea what they were doing.  A defense that drew the third most penalty flags in 2019 improved to ninth in 2020, primarily because players in the secondary weren’t close enough to receivers to actually draw any flags.  Guenther is gone, so it remains to be seen whether new coordinator Gus Bradley can wring any talent out of the young players on the roster like Damon Arnette, the 19th overall pick from the 2020 draft and Johnathan Abram, who was taken using the first-round pick the Raiders got from the Cowboys for Amari Cooper. But it gets worse.

CARL: Oh, man.

DARREN: The linebacking corps, as usual, is an atrocious bunch of nobodies.  There’s some promise in the defensive line with Clelin Farrell providing a contribution that doesn’t live up to his fourth-overall pedigree, but is solid nonetheless.  And Max Crosby has shown flashes of talent at the edge position.

RICHIE: There are two X’s in Maxx’s name.

DARREN: Oh really?

RICHIE: Yeah.  He’s really extreme.

DARREN: I see an energy drink endorsement in his future.  Anyhow, the rough news for you, Carl, is that when we look on the other side of the ball, IT GETS EVEN WORSE!

— [door flies open] —

COACH JON GRUDEN: What in the sam hell is going on here?

DARREN ROVELL hisses and disappears in a flash of Axe Body Spray mist. 

CARL: Oh. Hey Coach.  Darren Rovell was just trying to tell me that we’re not going to be any good this year.

COACH JON GRUDEN: Are you kidding? We’re gonna be great this year! Derek Carr? Great.  Darren Waller? Great.  Josh Jacobs? Great, until we use him up.

CARL: You mean it, Coach?

COACH JON GRUDEN: [shrugs] Sure, why not.  I’ve got six years left on my contract, we’ve got to turn the corner at some point.  Why not this year?

CARL: Yeah, but those Chiefs are awfully good.  It won’t be easy to get past them.

COACH JON GRUDEN: Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little head about that.  Mr. Davis has assured me that he’s going to have that all taken care of this season.

CUT TO: Mark Davis’ lair

MARK DAVIS: HI I’M MARK DAVIS! HA HA HA HA! YES! IT’S ALL FALLING INTO PLACE!  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

Fade to black.

—

EDITOR’S NOTE: I predict the Raiders season to be much like this post.  Start out with a great deal of promise, and then collapse into a spasm of unhinged maniacal laughter.  Final record of 7-10.