It’s that time again, Imaginary Internet Friends. Y’all seemed to enjoy the hate-hate-hate for Championship crests, so here we are back again for a trip through League One. For those of you who don’t follow Lesser Footy, League One is a step down from the Championship. There are more teams, less money, and things get a little hairy down there (which, hey, man: if that’s your thing, go get ’em tiger). Anyway, on to the scorn!
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Accrington Stanley
Good lord, Accrington Stanley. Your name already sounds like some Harry Potter dickhead who joins the Death Eaters and kills an innocent house elf (NERD!). Do you need that much shit on your crest? I’m gonna need you to take about 25-30% off the top there, bud.
AFC Wimbledon
This, uh… this makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it just, um… just… you know what? Let’s move on.
Bolton Wanderers
Why are there so many roving and wandering teams in the EFL? Anyway, illegible letters are no way to go through life, Bolton. Get it together.
Burton Albion
Oh my God. This is AMAZING. Is it so bad it’s good? Or does it challenge Bournemouth for the worst crest in football? There is SO much to love/hate here. The vaguely Eiffel-tower-ish “BA” in the figure, the fact that it’s actually wearing fabulous knee-high boots, the beer belly on the character who represents the Brewers… I love it all so much and it’s so terrible.
Cambridge United
Their old crest was a ball reading a book, which is stupid and doesn’t make sense. Anyway, this is fine, I guess, except whenever I see “C U” all I can think is “Next Tuesday.”
Charlton Athletic
Oh, did you see Sheffield United’s crest and think “We can do that, but worse”?
Cheltenham Town
What is this? Who designed this? Were they fired immediately after? Was it somebody’s loser nephew who needed a job? How can you possibly look at this and say, “Yep, that’s our look! That’s who and what we are!”
Crewe Alexandra
Yet another English team with a lion on the crest. Yawn. They’ve got some pretty fuckin’ sweet kits, though. Seriously, look at these things. I kind of want one. Hey Mrs. In TX, can I buy a Crewe Alexandra shir—(gets hit with a flying TV remote)
Doncaster Rovers
Rove away, Britons! The Doncaster crest has my full approval. It’s a weird shape, has a cool Viking on it, replaced boring lions and flowers… this is a good one. Way to not fuck it up entirely, Doncaster.
Fleetwood Town
This looks like a teamster’s union logo. Fleetwood Town Local 69 (nice) takes care of their members. I feel like there’s a stupid Fleetwood Mac joke in there but I’m too lazy to figure it out. Guess I’ll just go my own waaayyyyyy…
I regret nothing!
Gillingham
They’re the Gillingham “Gills,” but they have a… horse on the crest? You’re a seaside town on a river! Use a fucking fish, for Pete’s sake! Following the true English tradition, this is pronounced “Jillingham,” indicating the town is popular with women who masturbate. In totally unrelated news, I plan on visiting Gillingham very soon.
Ipswich Town
Well, that’s just a fancy pony, that’s what that is. And look at what a dapper gentleman he is—just the lightest touch of a ball from his hoof. A kiss, if you will! Mr. Pony, you don’t consider that ball your girlfriend, do you? Mr. Pony? Oh, sir, please leave the ball alone. Oh dear God, stop! Stop it! That’s obscene!
Lincoln City
Do not expose this crest to sunlight. Do not let this crest come into contact with water. Do not, under any circumstances, feed this crest after midnight.
MK Dons
This is an investment bank logo. This is a jewelry store logo. This team has only been around since 2004, which means it is not a valid football club, because of rules I just made up. Unlike the illustrious Houston Texans, MK Dons does not exist.
Morecambe
Morecambe is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, bake it, saute it. There’s Morecambe kabobs, Morecambe creole, Morecambe gumbo. Pan-fried, deep-fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple Moreca–okay, that’s enough. You get the joke.
Oxford United
Much like Swansea being the Swans and using a swan, I award zero points to Oxford for being the Oxen and using an ox. Go Texans.
Plymouth Argyle
In case the good people of Plymouth are unaware, “argyle” is a pattern. In fact, it looks really good on uniforms. Maybe check into that, dummies.
Portsmouth
Portsmouth damn near went out of business altogether in the 2010s, as evidenced by this bargain-basement cut-rate crest. I know you didn’t have any money, Pompey, but you could have done something better than this.
Rotherham United
It’s my understanding that windmills kill millions of birds per year and their sound causes cancer, which strikes me as really callous of Rotherham to have such a murderous inanimate object on their crest. Just terribly thoughtless and tone-deaf, guys.
Sheffield Wednesday
Let’s all acknowledge that Sheffield Wednesday has one of the coolest names in English football. Now we’ve got that out of the way… this owl spied himself a stout leather daddy and likes what he sees. Oh myyyyyy.
Shrewsbury Town
Those are the horniest lions of all time. Every single one of ’em will spend the whole night trying to steal your girl right in front of you. She cannot resist their charms. You are done. You are forgotten. You have wilted under the fiery gaze of the horny lions.
Sunderland
How the mighty have fallen! These guys were in the Premier League, like, 5 minutes ago. What happened, losers? They used to have a lil’ kitty cat but decided it wasn’t English enough, so they added lions.
Wigan Athletic
A… tree? Really? You know we all have trees, right Wigan? Like, having trees doesn’t make you special.
Wycombe Wanderers
Following Gillingham’s example, Wycombe is pronounced “Wickum” because why should words sound like they look? Anyway, let’s take a look at the crest. Wait, is that bird eating and shitting a chain at the same time? That’s not good for you, my dude. You’re taking a colonic way too far. Although I suppose geese are known for pooping everywhere, so it’s not exactly inaccurate.
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So there you have it. Every crest in League One is the worst. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
My next post will probably be something a little less hate-y, but no less entertaining (for me, at least).
[…] day to you. The content monster needed to be fed and due to how much I enjoyed Tony in Texas’ kit review from England I decided to do one for SecsiMexi Futbol. Our very own BallsofSteel got me hooked on this damn […]
Look I don’t know dick about soccer but I know when I see something cool. I think I have my very own soccer team, yay for me. Something about multiple lion heads vomiting blood that just appeals to my peculiar ways.
Shrewsbury Town Footie forever!!!
“Those lions rule” is an excellent reason to pick a team.
Far better than “winning” or “how the team is managed” or “are the fans overwhelmingly racist?”
“Overwhelmingly racist”? Hot damn, I knew I got me the right team
This was phenomenal. Love it.
There’s a novel called Rose by Martin Cruz Smith that is set in 1872 Wigan. Horrible place.
To be fair, every place was pretty horrible in 1872.
Very nice slamming. I can’t imagine a less inspiring motto than Accreston’s “Industry and prudence conquer”. First, that’s totally deluded; conquerin’ requires marauding animals. Second, sounds like a total motto for bus parking, 0.7 goals per game counterattackers.
LOVED the Brewers, crest and review.
Thank you thank you!
Was Tolkein from Sheffield? That logo, especially the lettering, looks straight out of the Hobbit. I kinda like it. (another nerd)
He was actually born in South Africa! Then died in Bournemouth, home to the worst crest in English football.
Thanks! I was actually in the process of researching this as well (very nerd) First I had to correctly spell Tolkien. I also found out the logo you posted is new, well a revised version of an old logo. It replaces this modernist monstrosity. Now I have to sit and figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. (Actually this is the shit I do when I’m supposed to be grading.)
Okay, putting hate aside, the current SWFC crest is *infinitely* better than that ugly-ass oversimplification.
I mean, their current one is gay as they come (and that’s fine–we’re supportive and open-minded as hell around here), but SO much better.
I’d say it’s soft. 10 ply as it were. But still good.
Woof. I like that. Break out the fondue and Tom Collinsess.
Oh. And here’s an eagle from where I teach. Heil.
You teach at Trump University?
Ha! In the White Studies Department.
At least its not the Stephen Miller chair for Political Science.
Yeah. She’s kind of a jerk. She kept me from getting the Steve Bannon Chair for Diversity Studies.
Is the Rudy Giuliani Ethics and Government position still vacant?
You’re thinking of Four Seasons Landscaping and Law School. But I think it’s still open.
@warthog – You’re in Western NC, right? The kid who went to ECU, I kind of wanted to go to Western Carolina, because Culowhee is awesome.
I’m in your old hometown. Shoot across the border to teach. Cullowhee is pretty great. Used to buy acid there.
But the best robot in English robotic combat history! (Yes, I’m referring to Razer.)
Excellent entertaining write up sir. Those Brewers look like my kinda FC.
Thank you!
I’m considering proposing we select an official DFO EFL team, and the Brewers might be the leader in the clubhouse…
I do like the Lincoln Imps TBH. Or Why comb.
Do they have CFL-style rules in League One where a certain number of players have to be local or anything? If they don’t, I think they should. And locals have to play at least a quarter of each game and everyone bats.
The team here plays in the Italian B Series or lega, and lunch at one of the places I frequent. It’s pretty cool, a definite “Slapshot” feel to it. I kinda hope they never move up to the A Lega… that changes everything for a club.
Who’s your local? Cosenza???
/I read a booky-book about them, on Litre’s great recommend
FC Vicenza est 1902, and bobbin around between the A & B legas since.
AFC Wimbledon has a crest that resembles a nazi symbol. Why is that so hard to say? Why we tongue-in-cheek every honest similarity (harmless or not) to Nazi symbols while fascists dare look any civilized person dead in the eye and proclaim themselves as honest, empathetic, respectful member of society?
You’d have an uproar from Wimbledon fans if you forced them to change their crest, and not every eagle is a Nazi eagle, but you know what? Fuck ’em. You can do a really good eagle-centric look without making it all 3rd-Reich-y.
I like the fancy sailing ship on Plymouth Argyle, but you’re right, it needs some diamond shaped plaid. This series was a damn fine idea, Good Sir Anthony of Texas!
Thank you! I might have to expand my hate outward beyond the bounds of stupid team crests…
Wonderful stuff again, TXTONY
¡Gracias!*
*I am very white and although I live in Texas, I speak very little Spanish
WIgan is just planning for the future.
I always wanted Wigan to fully adopt Chief Wiggum as their talisman (or I guess, Ralph with a flute up his nose)
That’s some nice flutin boy
What are “things overheard in the Penn State locker room”? Same category for $800, please.
“Ladies and gentlemen…the Rhythmic Slapping Sounds!”
They could ditch “Athletic” and adopt the nickname “Paste Eaters”
Reminds me of an old Coors logo shirt my dad wore when I was a lad.
TOTES agree, I can’t stop looking at that Burton crest. It may not be GOOD, but it’s hypnotic and memorable.
Crewe is most known for being the Penn State of the EFL (specifically, their youth setup), so the Mrs. was right to object to your kit purchase.
Sunderland (til they die, but they pretty much have*) is the Black Cats, which is a cool as fuck nickname, and their crest doesn’t lean into that at all? WANKERS.
*I still hope that sweet old cafeteria lady is doing ok. And that “Charlie” is being spit roasted in hell.
I like how Lincoln City has his leg crossed. Like he’s just a casual monster.
I mean, he’s still down to party before he eats your soul.
He’s like” Oh Gawd, will you just take the fucking picture already! I have to PEE!”
“Once I’m done peein’, I’m gonna get to soul-eatin’!”
His top tormenting move is chatting.
ENDLESSLY
The girlfriend was in Shrewsbury but then she went to Gillingham and now she is much happier!