Thursday Morning Roast – EFL League 1

It’s that time again, Imaginary Internet Friends. Y’all seemed to enjoy the hate-hate-hate for Championship crests, so here we are back again for a trip through League One. For those of you who don’t follow Lesser Footy, League One is a step down from the Championship. There are more teams, less money, and things get a little hairy down there (which, hey, man: if that’s your thing, go get ’em tiger). Anyway, on to the scorn!

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Accrington Stanley
Good lord, Accrington Stanley. Your name already sounds like some Harry Potter dickhead who joins the Death Eaters and kills an innocent house elf (NERD!). Do you need that much shit on your crest? I’m gonna need you to take about 25-30% off the top there, bud.

AFC Wimbledon
This, uh… this makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it just, um… just… you know what? Let’s move on.

Bolton Wanderers
Why are there so many roving and wandering teams in the EFL? Anyway, illegible letters are no way to go through life, Bolton. Get it together.

Burton Albion
Oh my God. This is AMAZING. Is it so bad it’s good? Or does it challenge Bournemouth for the worst crest in football? There is SO much to love/hate here. The vaguely Eiffel-tower-ish “BA” in the figure, the fact that it’s actually wearing fabulous knee-high boots, the beer belly on the character who represents the Brewers… I love it all so much and it’s so terrible.

Cambridge United
Their old crest was a ball reading a book, which is stupid and doesn’t make sense. Anyway, this is fine, I guess, except whenever I see “C U” all I can think is “Next Tuesday.”

Charlton Athletic
Oh, did you see Sheffield United’s crest and think “We can do that, but worse”?

Cheltenham Town
What is this? Who designed this? Were they fired immediately after? Was it somebody’s loser nephew who needed a job? How can you possibly look at this and say, “Yep, that’s our look! That’s who and what we are!”

Crewe Alexandra
Yet another English team with a lion on the crest. Yawn. They’ve got some pretty fuckin’ sweet kits, though. Seriously, look at these things. I kind of want one. Hey Mrs. In TX, can I buy a Crewe Alexandra shir—(gets hit with a flying TV remote)

Doncaster Rovers
Rove away, Britons! The Doncaster crest has my full approval. It’s a weird shape, has a cool Viking on it, replaced boring lions and flowers… this is a good one. Way to not fuck it up entirely, Doncaster.

Fleetwood Town
This looks like a teamster’s union logo. Fleetwood Town Local 69 (nice) takes care of their members. I feel like there’s a stupid Fleetwood Mac joke in there but I’m too lazy to figure it out. Guess I’ll just go my own waaayyyyyy…
I regret nothing!

Gillingham
They’re the Gillingham “Gills,” but they have a… horse on the crest? You’re a seaside town on a river! Use a fucking fish, for Pete’s sake! Following the true English tradition, this is pronounced “Jillingham,” indicating the town is popular with women who masturbate. In totally unrelated news, I plan on visiting Gillingham very soon.

Ipswich Town
Well, that’s just a fancy pony, that’s what that is. And look at what a dapper gentleman he is—just the lightest touch of a ball from his hoof. A kiss, if you will! Mr. Pony, you don’t consider that ball your girlfriend, do you? Mr. Pony? Oh, sir, please leave the ball alone. Oh dear God, stop! Stop it! That’s obscene!

Lincoln City
Do not expose this crest to sunlight. Do not let this crest come into contact with water. Do not, under any circumstances, feed this crest after midnight.

MK Dons
This is an investment bank logo. This is a jewelry store logo. This team has only been around since 2004, which means it is not a valid football club, because of rules I just made up. Unlike the illustrious Houston Texans, MK Dons does not exist.

Morecambe
Morecambe is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, bake it, saute it. There’s Morecambe kabobs, Morecambe creole, Morecambe gumbo. Pan-fried, deep-fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple Moreca–okay, that’s enough. You get the joke.

Oxford United
Much like Swansea being the Swans and using a swan, I award zero points to Oxford for being the Oxen and using an ox. Go Texans.

Plymouth Argyle
In case the good people of Plymouth are unaware, “argyle” is a pattern. In fact, it looks really good on uniforms. Maybe check into that, dummies.

Portsmouth
Portsmouth damn near went out of business altogether in the 2010s, as evidenced by this bargain-basement cut-rate crest. I know you didn’t have any money, Pompey, but you could have done something better than this.

Rotherham United
It’s my understanding that windmills kill millions of birds per year and their sound causes cancer, which strikes me as really callous of Rotherham to have such a murderous inanimate object on their crest. Just terribly thoughtless and tone-deaf, guys.

Sheffield Wednesday
Let’s all acknowledge that Sheffield Wednesday has one of the coolest names in English football. Now we’ve got that out of the way… this owl spied himself a stout leather daddy and likes what he sees. Oh myyyyyy.

Shrewsbury Town
Those are the horniest lions of all time. Every single one of ’em will spend the whole night trying to steal your girl right in front of you. She cannot resist their charms. You are done. You are forgotten. You have wilted under the fiery gaze of the horny lions.

Sunderland
How the mighty have fallen! These guys were in the Premier League, like, 5 minutes ago. What happened, losers? They used to have a lil’ kitty cat but decided it wasn’t English enough, so they added lions.

Wigan Athletic
A… tree? Really? You know we all have trees, right Wigan? Like, having trees doesn’t make you special.

Wycombe Wanderers
Following Gillingham’s example, Wycombe is pronounced “Wickum” because why should words sound like they look? Anyway, let’s take a look at the crest. Wait, is that bird eating and shitting a chain at the same time? That’s not good for you, my dude. You’re taking a colonic way too far. Although I suppose geese are known for pooping everywhere, so it’s not exactly inaccurate.

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So there you have it. Every crest in League One is the worst. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
My next post will probably be something a little less hate-y, but no less entertaining (for me, at least).