Anytime it’s been ill conceived enough that I somehow become the designated driver? Well most of those adventures have not ended proper and it saddens me to inform that this jaunt did not either.

The game I love can only be produced one way, for television.

I made a decision to venture out into the great unknown. Having been locked away in the lonely
closet going on nigh two years I simply had to, damn it man it’s time and what better thing to
see than a god spit football game, hell yeah!

What could go wrong?

Let’s say getting to the seats was a challenge, but it’s game time and right in front of me
“Oh bliss, bliss and heaven… Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgiousity made flesh..” Thank you mister Burgess for your perfect eloquence and command of language.

Football, bloody football played right in front of my very eyes, but wait what is that monstrosity? It’s so heinous as to blind me from the very game I have come to see?

What sort of an affront is this?

Have you been to SoFi stadium in Los Angeles? No?

I have and man did it suck, thank the Christ’s that I had the forethought to record the game at home.

Now I’ve been told it’s some type of torture device meant to drive children into a lifetime of loyalty to the god of all gods, the mighty NFL!!!

But that god damn score ( I know it’s not a great way to write a sentence just proving it’s
really me) board, I mean Spooge Pants Square Ernie and then Brad Pitt yelling What’s in
my pants? Oh, what’s in my pants?”

[greetings friends, it is I your humble food guy and Vikings fan yeah right. I’ll take the wheel for this next bit]

After bringing you several updates during the stadiums construction it was high time we saw the finished product.

Heading into Inglewood I was truly amazed at how the area surrounding the stadium had been really cleaned up and gentrified.

Oh look! A plane! We must be near LAX!

It was right about here when we encountered this…

Your ass better be seriously prepared to view the ass end of vehicular traffic. You’ll be seeing this a lot.

A LOT!

You local folks who know the area around the stadium and the Forum, quick point of reference. While driving north on Prairie it took 1 (ONE) hour to drive between Century and Manchester. ONE FUCKING HOUR.

The good news though, once you finally park and head towards the entrance you will be met with…

This is the first checkpoint for proof of vaccine. Yes, I was quite happy to go through this one. That odd looking Star Cruiser type building to the right is the Youtube Theater. According to it’s ad copy, that would be “an intimate new venue built to celebrate artists, creators and the community.” A brand new 6000 seat theater venue directly next door to the stadium.

Finally after going through vaccine checkpoint, metal detector checkpoint and ticket checkpoint you have been granted permission to enter.

Had a tough time figuring out why we had to climb up all of these damn stairs only to reach the top to…take an escalator down? What kind of fuckery is that all about.

After grabbing a couple of cold beers (33 bucks for 2 24 oz cans) we head inside.

Jesus! Quite the spectacle. The absolute first thing you notice and how the fuck could you not, is the “halo” scoreboard.

Mother fucker.

The photos were taken from our seats. Let’s pan left to get a sense of scale and scope.

Hey, my boys are taking the field. We zoom in.

Almost time for kickoff.  Let’s take a gander, shall we?

Holy shit.

How did the action look from our seats?

Not bad at all.

How about when the game was going on?

Next to our section they had a Standing Room Only section.

In a true stadium rarity, or probably just a quirk, the seat I was in had extra space next to it. Never seen the like.

It allowed me to stand and stretch without blocking anyone’s view behind me. It was also a convenient spot for stashing your empty cans.

Also, check this out.

That’s a glass partition directly next to the seat that allows you to look at the concourse. There is a bar right there and the restrooms as well. Let’s just say this was a pretty damn impressive spot for “people watching.”

The most obvious  element to this stadium is that monstrous goddamn “halo” video board. The display reminded a bit of the multitude of “Progressive Insurance” commercials where they just throw as many random shitballs as they can against the wall and hope something sticks.

This team is trying any and everything possible to forge an identity.

Look they even turned the Chargers logo into a goddamn emoji!

Motherfucker is that goddamn thing idiotic.

Of course the new breed of Chargers fans needs to be told to be loud.

Repeatedly.

They actually did a good job once they were told. Place was rocking.

To no avail however.

A little blurry because I had to zoom in. That right there is my favorite formation in the game: the motherfucking Victory Formation!

Show us the big board!

That’s the shit I’m talking about!

And the crowd heads for the exits.

As large as this stadium is it has an uncanny lack of views from the surrounding surface streets. You really have to get all the way into the parking lots to get a good exterior shot.

The plane flying over to land at LAX was a nice touch I thought.

You’re going to be sitting in this lot for awhile waiting for the fucking traffic to move. Make use of the provided amenities.

As mentioned you’ll be sitting in the parking lot for awhile. Maybe take in the sunset while you wait.

Let’s get in one last outside view before heading home.

That view? Take it in. Really keep it at the forefront of your mind. Once you leave the stadium?

All your ass is going to see for the next eternity is this…

[ I now return the narrative back to brother DJ Taj ]

After every snap, I can’t say that emphatically enough! Every damn play, there was a quick
cute break from the action, the sniff my ass cam? Delicious.

The “My fat dancing husband” cam? The best, but when the clown came out filled a balloon full of gasoline then popped it over himself and then the whole self immolation thing? Even God was laughing.

Watch out for the towering two pound Jimmy, only available on level 4. Some one said it was a Stromboli dog dear God the man was consuming an afterbirth, for the love of all that’s unholy, have you no dignity left at all?

They did their very best to make absolutely sure that you did not see one second of actual football. They had a marching band a whole God Damn marching band at half time, never heard a single note, that scoreboard blasting it’s droning preposterousness, hey look it’s a startled child,

Quick let’s kick it.

I’ve been to a thousand stadiums and never have I endured any of this madness. That score
board is an abomination and Satan will not stand for any of this, you soulless bastards will
pay!  As, a wise man once said, “Stay home stupid”

Maybe it was the whole no beer, I’m the designated driver thing, you see I do my best insanity under the duress of the magic alcohol, I never thought I would get here, but that was the last time I will ever do anything like that again.

Just think in 3 short months the city of Los Angeles will be hosting the Super Bowl at SoFi stadium, the city will bask in the stupidity as the entire world laughs at the folly of this dreadful place.

To be (you know me) fair the football on the field was just fine. I wonder what it looks like up there in section 500 under the black rainbow?

[final yeah right interlude] Would I visit this stadium again, knowing full well that it’s a two hour drive each way and I live a full 14 miles away? It would take a lot of convincing, probably free seats and a hell of a match-up but yeah I suppose. Know what I would do different? I would pay for a goddamn room at the 200 dollar a night Motel fucking 6 off of Manchester and I would walk to that motherfucker and go home the next day.

For any of our regulars who follow their teams on the road and see your team play live, there’s an irreplaceable feeling of family. These other folks wearing purple, they’re your tribe. These are your chosen brethren and sisteren and they are here specifically to watch your team win a game…ON THE ROAD in a brand new stadium? I’ll take that. Yes, the traffic is that bad. Keep this in mind during this seasons Superb Owl. Gonna be a proper shitshow. SKOL!

This is the first time EVER that the two of us have sat down (as I write this is he is swaying drunkenly right over there) and written at the same time (I know I’ve heard you, there is just one guy, split personality, one is a lady boy) he still owes me two stories; the time we shot heroin and Jimmy’s Wedding.

Are any of you unfortunate enough to have a barfer in the family? My older brother still gets car sick, really, hence the whole title, stuck in traffic he announces I’m puking!

Who Dat and damn do we suck

danser dans le sang avec Satan.

TAJ 11-21