So, the Bowl matchups for what King Hippo affectionately calls JV Footy came out and I was perusing them and had some thoughts. Ergo Ipso Factum Testiculum, here we are.
There are a grand total of 44 (FORTY FOUR!) bowl games this year, so I am breaking them into pieces because I am lazy and you do not want to sit through 44 game previews/thoughts all at once. This is Part Deux. Let’s get right to it:
Monday, December 20, 2021
Myrtle Beach Bowl Presented by TaxAct in Myrtle Beach, FL
Old Dominion vs. Tulsa
2:30 PM Eastern, ESPN
At least this one makes it clear who the sponsor is and where the bowl is being played. If only they were all that easy! Fun fact: The first result when you type in “Myrtle Beach Bowl” is a bowling alley. That’s how prestigious this bowl game is.
Tuesday, December 21, 2021
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl in Boise, ID
Kent State vs. Wyoming
3:30 PM Eastern, ESPN
You know, I’m looking hard for any excuse to take a day off on the week before Christmas Eve and these bowl games are just not cutting it. I mean, sure, I could damage my eyesight watching these teams play on Boise State’s blue field and claim worker’s comp, but that’s just wrong.
I need my eyesight for the booties and boobies.
Not sure if you knew this, but the bowl changed its name from The Humanitarian Bowl to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. That tells you all you need to know about the United States in 2021.
Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl in Frisco, TX
University of Texas San Antonio vs. San Diego State
7:30 PM Eastern, ESPN
Does it count as a bowl game if it is played in a soccer stadium? At the very least, San Diego State will be comfortable playing in a soccer stadium as they’ve been doing that all season and did it again in the conference championship. Unfortunately for them, they lost that one.
I’m thinking we’re all rooting for UTSA on this one on behalf of Viva La Tabula Raza, right? You can support SDSU alums too, if you want. All you have to do is go down to the local strip club. Bless their hearts!
Wednesday, December 22, 2021
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl in Fort Worth, TX
Missouri vs. Army
8 PM Eastern, ABC
Back to back Bowl Games in the Metroplex? The steakhouse strip clubs are going to be full! It’s going to be a Merry Christmas for a lot of sons and daughters of single moms!
On the not-so-bright side, prepare yourselves for the onslaught of military propaganda. This will be merely the amuse-bouche. I’ve peeked at the schedule. You would be surprised how many bowl games have some sort of military tie-in…
I’m confident that Gronk will still NOT understand why he can’t join USAA the 50th time he’s told that this evening.
Thursday, December 23, 2021
Frisco Football Classic in Frisco, TX
North Texas vs. Miami of Ohio
3:30 PM Eastern, ESPN
Wait, there’s ANOTHER bowl game in the Metroplex?!? And it’s in the same stadium as the one that took place just two days ago?
Yeah, there’s no way anything goes wrong with that.
Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Is the Dallas-Fort Worth area that hard-up for visitors? I get it that COVID has been hard on everyone, but this is crazy. One thing I do recommend: If you do decide to go to the Metroplex this week, do yourself a favour and take a ride on the Fort-worth Area Rapid Transit train. I know you will enjoy it.
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl in Tampa Bay, FL
UCF vs. Florida
7:00 PM Eastern, ABC
You know, I’m kinda glad that Gasparilla gets its own bowl. A lot of people prefer root beer, but there’s something about gasparilla that’s very refreshing!
/puts hand to ear
Apparently, I’m thinking of Sarsaparilla.
The cool thing is that Gasparilla is actually a pirate festival that is held in Tampa every year that is named after the pirate José Gaspar, who is thought to be the “last of the Buccaneers” and who allegedly buried a vast treasure somewhere in the Tampa Bay area. And now you know why the NFL franchise is named that way.
Friday, December 24, 2021
EasyPost Hawai’i Bowl in Honolulu, HI
Memphis vs. Hawai’i
8:00 PM Eastern, ESPN
Nothing like a bowl game in Hawai’i to get the little kiddies to bed before Santa arrives, amirite? Fun fact: This is the first time in history that Memphis has played against the University of Hawai’i. Quiz time: Does anyone remember any Hawai’i Bowl in which Hawai’i did not play? Remember what I said last week about Louisiana? Copy that and paste it for Hawai’i this week.
Saturday, December 25, 2021
TaxAct Camellia Bowl in Montgomery, AL
Georgia State vs. Ball State
11:00 AM Eastern, ABC
Is this what the naughty kids get to wake up to on Christmas morning? As Don T would say, “Uf!”. First off, Montgomery Alabama. No need to say more. Second, of all the possible State matchups, we get Georgia vs Ball? Man, this just has “I’m going back to bed” written all over it.
One thing to note: This is the SECOND bowl this week that TaxAct is sponsoring. I would not want to be the Venture Capital company that invested in TaxAct. I bet you ten dollars Canadian that the CFO of TaxAct is spending this winter in the Cayman Islands.
***
The bowls will take a break for the NFL on Sunday, December 26, 2021 and will resume on Monday, December 27, 2021. I shall preview the bowls for the “workdays” of that week next time.
[…] NFL (and the equally Glorious Scotchnaut) come to save the day. If you haven’t read Ballsy’s excellent “first week” preview, please remedy that shit post […]
Lemme tell you about Montgomery Alabama. When we lived in Birmingham, we drove down there ( it’s about 90 miles south) one day because they had a branch of our credit union and we had papers to sign. Welp, business concluded, we decided to get some lunch. We drove around for a fucking hour trying to find a restaurant that wasn’t fast food. It was looking grim, but we finally found one that looked nice, and had a big crowd, so we figgered, mmgood? WRONG!! It was fucking gross. Never go to Montgomery.
The FART is a rejected concept from Dok Zymm’s laboratory.
I used to work with an Miami University alum that hated that his team was called Miami (OH) while the University of Miami is known as Miami. I took pleasure in reminding them that the one in Florida is in a city of 49,000, next to a city of 442,000 serviced by an Interstate highway that spans nearly the entire Eastern seaboard.
The one in Ohio is in a city of 23,000, next to rural farmland, serviced by a US Route “highway” that ends 17 miles from the school and the US Route is so important, the entire state of Michigan decided to remove it from its highway system in 1999.
JV Football:
ESPN to the Top 25 + 1 teams in the country regarding 88 teams (67.7% of the entire FBS) playing in a Bowl Game.
