Death to Our Smurf Overlords: A Larry King Not Live Tuesday Open Thread

Hello, friends. It’s another High Drama Tuesday in the National Football League, and yours truly has some thoughts.   Yes, I am still dead, but my head’s cryogenic storage pod only gets NFL Network and the Oprah Winfrey Network, so watching Urban Meyer threaten his handpicked staff with death for incompetence and disloyalty is the closest thing to porn available. My three cents:

-I don’t understand why the Raiders fired Jon Gruden. What are e-mails made of, really? Electrons. And because of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, we can either know what the emails said or where they were sent, but not both. So who knows if Gruden really sent them?

-Mac Jones is still the most boring QB pick from last draft, running what is as close to a Trent Dilfer caretaker offense as you can get in today’s pass-happy NFL. That said, he’s a little more aggressive than I expected…

-Tyler Murphy is having a great year in Arizona, but I don’t think he’ll do well in the post-season Ten fumbles, all recovered- not sustainable…

-What the hell do you mean it’s “Kyler”? Isn’t she a Kardashian?

-I once met Demaryius Thomas. Damn shame that a bloated gasbag like me lived to 87 while a nice kid like that was gone so soon…

-“Mac the Spork” maybe…

-I can’t stand all these taunting calls. Thank God these refs weren’t running CNN when I was on, otherwise I probably would have been flagged for pissing on Jerry Seinfeld…

-How’s that Adam Gase fellow doing? I always liked him…

-Speaking of exits from New York, I think soon-to-be-fired Joe Judge has gotten a bad rap during his time with the Giants. Sure, he’s another failed Belichick wannabe-tyrant with no respect for his players. And yes, he’s managed to piss away historic weaknesses in his NFC East opponents. Wait, what was I saying?

-Speaking of other exits from New York, I first learned what “road head” meant during a traffic jam on the old Tappan Zee Bridge…

-I looked it up on Urban Dictionary from the back of the car on my assistant’s Smart Phone. Perverts….

-Did I ever tell you about Nancy Reagan though?

-Trevor Lawrence might be reconsidering his decision to enter the draft early, given the difficulties he’s having in Jacksonville. Then again, would he want to go to Detroit?

-Gary from Pocatello, hello?

-COVID continues to dominate the news cycle, with eight Cleveland players joining the three who missed last week’s game on the COVID/reserve list. Famous COVID mutual respecter Odell Beckham Junior is also down. Goes to show, you just can’t trust RNA viruses these days…

-Urban Meyer is also getting a raw deal. In my day, it was considered only polite to greet a lady by sticking your finger in her fanny…

-Did I ever tell you about the time I met the Queen Mother?

-I don’t understand this Run Pass Option. Make up your mind!

-SPORK! Get it!?!?

-It’s time for Ben Roethlis…Rotblis…it’s time for Big Ben to retire.

-Matt Nagy needs to call it a day. Or maybe he needs Andy Reid to call it for him…

-Gary? Gary, are you there?

-Have you ever really considered salami? Like, reeeeeally pondered it deeply? Weird food. Why would you put tiny watermelons in a sausage?

-Are we really going to play 17 games? Inflation is out of control…

-Gary, if you don’t start talking in the next three seconds, I’m going to fuck you up worse than any of my eight marriages…

I AM FUCKING INSANE.

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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ballsofsteelandfury

Just to piss off Scotchy.

Fronkenshteen

Brilliant post. Simply brilliant.
A friend once called the Larry King radio show and when he got on the air, he didn’t say a word, but played the entire audio of Secretariat winning the Belmont to win the Triple Crown. Larry let the whole thing play, and when it ended he said, “Secretariat. Whatta horse.”

yeah right

The Cooking channel has finally started showing a couple of Bourdain episodes a week and I’m watching. It’s past the acceptance point and it’s so much better than watching a replay of the same 14 episodes of Man vs. Food.

Definitely melancholy but he was so fucking good at his job.

TheRevanchist

Oh, man, someone is cutting those onions while I was watching the Steph Curry record-breaking celebration. My eyes are leaking something fierce.

Gumbygirl

You know that condo we were supposed to be closing on at the end of the month? Not happening. The appraisal came in super low. Not even ballpark of what we expected, because somebody sold a place in the complex to a relative for next to nothing. Knocked the comps out of whack. The appraiser wouldn’t budge, and the homeowner would not renegotiate, so we’re out. I’m not willing to pay 30,000 out of my pocket for a place that isn’t worth it. But shit, I’m tired of house hunting.

ballsofsteelandfury

Smart move on your part. Sorry it didn’t work out. I know the process is a pain in the ass. Hope the next one is better!

Gumbygirl

Thanks! I’m normally an optimistic person, but this felt like a sucker punch. But, my heart will go on!

ballsofsteelandfury

You’ll get the next one and it’ll be better!

Gumbygirl

We’ll get something eventually. To tell you the truth, this place was quite a bit smaller than I wanted, and I really would like a garage.

yeah right

Sorry for the disappointment but at this stage never jump into something out of your range. It just wasn’t time yet.

Doktor Zymm

Ugh, that sucks. Appraisers are surprisingly bad at their jobs sometimes. In Chicago for example, the monthly condo fees are way higher in elevator buildings, and this drops the sale price of the units, but they include elevator buildings as comps for non-elevator buildings all the damn time. I bet your number would have been higher if they were appraising it for taxes…

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

As always, Dennis Hopper was SO GREAT in that movie.

FUCK HEINEKEN

jjfozz

My mother in law believes that John F. Kennedy Jr. is still alive. Also, she believes that people who aren’t vaccinated get headaches when they are around vaccinated people.

You just can’t fix stupid.

SonOfSpam

Like…for real on the JFK Jr thing? I know some Q people do, but I really thought it was a small number. That’s frightening.

Sharkbait

The russians and 4 chan people that started this must be loving how fucking gullible people are in this country.

herodotus450

Napoleon raised like 6 armies and led them all to their death, gullibility is not isolated to this continent or century.

Gumbygirl

But you can point at it and laugh!

Doktor Zymm

The headache thing might be real, because I am vaccinated and liable to smack people like that in the head

TheRevanchist

Yes! Him and Hoffa both are working for C.H.A.O.S. Agent Smart Is working with Agent 99 to stop their diabolical plan to eat enough aborted fetuses to gain enlightenment about the true bloodline of sweet baby Jesus. Only then will the master plan of Gwenyth Paltrow’s vagina be revealed.

Or so bullshit that.

Doktor Zymm

I am a fan of my new bed. I don’t think we’ll ever have another April 2020 style lockdown, but if we do, I WILL SLEEP SO HARD LIKE WHOA

Sharkbait

I mean you dont need a pandemic to do that. Take a long weekend and not get out of bed.

Doktor Zymm

That requires planning and effort to cancel stuff. Unlikely

TheRevanchist

And a mini fridge right next to the bed.

ballsofsteelandfury

My mini fridge is less than 3 feet away from my bed.

Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

YOU’RE THE REASON MY $PRPL STOCK IS IN THE TOILET!

/or not, I just want it to go back up again

rockingdog

Last funny;

Just saw someone describe crypto as ‘Mary Kay for young men’ and now I’m dying.

Sharkbait

1000% accurate

rockingdog

OMG

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Gumbygirl

Tuppermoney. I prefer my tokens to be fungible.

Doktor Zymm

It’s just the gold standard with stupider names

jjfozz

I am watching My 600 Pound Life, and I don’t think I will ever eat again.

SonOfSpam

like you aren’t harder than Chinese algebra

jjfozz

I’m cutting diamonds over here

Gumbygirl

As long as they don’t have to hoist me out of the house with a crane, I’m not going to worry about my weight. It’s been the same for years. I could stand to lose some, but it’s where my body wants to be at 61. I eat all the veggies, so I’m taking reasonable care. I have other things to worry about than the size of my butt.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THESE RAIDERS OF MINE I CALL THEM NANCY REAGAN CAUSE THEY SUCK A LOT.

Dunstan

Also they haven’t done fuck-all since the 80s.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey so the folks over at r/HermanCainAward have adopted my blood donation idea – I’m giving on Thursday and I hope everyone would consider making a donation of their own this holiday season:

https://www.reddit.com/r/HermanCainAward/comments/rgiifb/december_donations_blood_edition/

SonOfSpam

And to copy from last week…does it matter whose blood we donate?

Gumbygirl

Living in Scotland in the late 80’s, early 90’s made me a Mad Cow. Can’t give blood anymore. And trust me when I tell you, nobody would want Gumby’s.

Sharkbait

Pretty sure mine is mostly booze at this point.

Sharkbait

All this talk of Nancy Regan has me thinking of the Regan Dollop episode

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZlRX1EVnSw

herodotus450

Who else but the party of family values would nominate Reagan AND Trump?

scotchnaut

The Senators are currently leading the division-leading Florida Panthers 8-2. Stick that in your legislative body, Leafs fans!

SonOfSpam

The Larry King stuff is very enjoyable, especially getting road head on the Tappan Zee. Well done, and now I have something to fap to later.

scotchnaut

[puts hand down pants] “The building of that bridge -it must have destroyed more than a few of those ethnic communities, right?”

-Robert Moses

rockingdog

Steph Curry broke the record for 3 pointers made.
That’s Rocking!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-C6IqXqozQ

ArmedandHammered

We have smurf overlords, well why the smurfing smurf don’t they smurf the everloving smurf out of those smurfing smurfs who smurf the smurf out of smurf? Isn’t it their smurfing job? Smurf them and the smurfing smurfs who smurfed up!!

Last edited 2 years ago by ArmedandHammered
Doktor Zymm

Anyone playing the smurf drinking game just died.

SonOfSpam

I think ArmedandHammered smurfed so much smurf, he can’t even smurf without smurfing.

ArmedandHammered

Smurfing right!

Horatio Cornblower

And you thought Nancy Reagan had to work hard!
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ArmedandHammered

Bathhouse Smurf kept offering to help out.

Doktor Zymm

Is it worth limiting my funemployment travel to Singapore VTL countries in order to get a points flight in Suites? I’m actually thinking no, I’ve already been to all the VTL countries, and I want to explore more than that. Maybe I’ll see if there are awards flights for next T-giving

herodotus450

I didn’t even know Singapore HAD vertical takeoff and landing capabilities.

Doktor Zymm

ex-Brit colony will always have access to Harriers

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, what’s VTL?

ballsofsteelandfury

Look at that. You truly can learn something new every day…

https://safetravel.ica.gov.sg/vtl/requirements-and-process

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, the pandemic helps by generating new goddamn regulations everyday, but happy we can visit Singapore now!

rockingdog

Found a funny;

My body: “Hey, man, wake up. I know it’s four am but we gotta go to the bathroom.”

Me: “Ok but we can go back to sleep after, right?”

My body: “Of course of course of course”

*back in bed five minutes later*

Me: “Can we sleep now?”

My body: “lol no you complete idiot”

Redshirt

.

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Doktor Zymm

Good for her!

scotchnaut

Senators are kicking ass-it’s 1-1!

Brick Meathook

I have an important Zoom chat today at 5 PM, so I went across the street and got a pedicure.

Dunstan

Where the fuck are you pointing the camera?

Brick Meathook

This is my thoroughness. They can sense the contentment on my face and are subliminally cowed by it. Advantage: Brick

Dunstan

“I have a similar theory.” — Jeffrey Toobin

scotchnaut

Do Grinch Limbaugh next week!

Horatio Cornblower

I hope the Grink shows up.