There were too many fixtures crammed into this singular day.  I liked the spreading out.  So many #WhitePplProblems up in this muthafucka.

Look, I am not a doctor – or a Doktor – but as a Son of the South, ah noes my Antonio Brown diagnosis – nuttier than a shithouse rat.  We all saw what I am talking about.  And of course, fucking MRSA gets the late winner anyway, 28-24 over the feisty Jest.  But they Jested at the end, regardless.

Congratulations, playoff table-crashing Buffalo Bills.  After Brokeback/playcalling recklessness – in the fucking SNOW – spotted Sherman’s Ashes a 15-14 halftime lead…McDermott finally relented and ran with Singletary after the break.  Not coincidentally, it ended 29-15, Buffalo.  Matty Ice had his own mini-AB moment, scrambling for an apparent late TD and getting a taunting flag afterwards.  But replay called him down at the 1, so they got 4th and goal from the 16 instead.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  He’s always been just good enough of a QB to lose with, though this was MOAR unusual than his typical unflavoured ice milk.

Buffalo needed that win, with Angry Grumblord on their heels.  His P*ts absolutely blasted the hapless Jaguras, 50-10.  As our own esteemed Sharkbait noted – that was not a Scorinami, as there had been ONE other 50-10 in NFL history.  Which was ALSO a Jagura loss.  Christ, that’s so sad/impressive.  The Legend of White Mac did his Leader of Men role perfectly, and both running backs feasted on the leftover corpse parts.  This is a flawed team, but a very good one.  Be wary, AFC playoff participants.

I have no idea how RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! managed to shrug off another schiesse porn outing from Fatthew (h/t, Gumbygirl).  A God-awful pick 6 spotted the Ratbirds a 10-nil lead, and he followed up with an even shittier sack fumble sequence (there was a 2nd pickerception, I just don’t remember it – must have been pissing).  But OBJ bailed his crew out, with an incredible game-saving 4th down catch, followed by another very good grab/reach for the winning score.  Von Miller sacked Tyler Huntley to close out the 20-19 win, as improbable as it seemed for most of the day.  A resilient bunch, for sure.  But QB is still kind of a problem.  Would you be worried to face Fatthew in the playoffs?  Me neither, and my team sucks out loud.

Game of the Week in the Land of Diarrhea Chili – the Chefs started like they’ve been the last 6 weeks or so, putting up 28 points in the first half.  It would have been 35-17 at the break, but for a saving BLEERGH (put a pin in that) on a late kickoff return.  Joe Burrow and Human Cheat Code (h/t Redshirt) Ja’Marr Chase proceeded to carve apart the KC secondary, pulling in front 31-28 with 11 and change to play.  That seemed to wake up Mahomes, but Cincy’s defense was able to stiffen and hold them to a tying FG.

If you are a Bungles supporter, you want to score, and leave no time on the clock.  Be careful with those monkey’s paw wishes.  Burrow sneaked for a 1st down around the 1-yard line, just inside of the 2-minute warning.  KC still had two timeouts, so you figure their worst-case scenario is 3 runs and no TD, meaning they get the ball back with 50-55 seconds, and down 3.  Which is what happened…except that Cincy went for it on 4th and goal.  It’s not an easy decision – especially against Mahomes – but the maths favoured kicking the FG.  On a crazy, ad-libbed pass play, Beatie Mixon grabbed the dumpoff and scrambled to the goal line.  He was called DOWN, but this was going to be overturned on replay, Cincy TD.  But no – offsetiting BLEERGHs, making the review irrelevant.  A do over!  Burrow drops back AGAIN, is crushed as he releases an incompletion.  But lo, illegal hands to the face – a soft BLEERGH, for sure – and it’s not only a bailout, but also automatic FIRST DOWN.  But it’s Brandon Allen taking the knee, THEN spiking the ball with two seconds to play.  Pedantic Hippo Alert – I very much would have preferred, with the backup in, to take a delay penalty after the kneel down.  Two seconds would remain, still just a 25-yard kick to win.  Because if Allen flubs the snap, or a lineman jumps (the hidden, much larger risk) – the clock runs out.  But none of that happened, Cincy wins both game and AFC North, 34-31.  Now, to anxiously wait for Burrow’s scans, etc.  It didn’t LOOK that serious, but one NEVAR knows.

So…the door opens for DonT’s Magnificent Tits, who could take charge of the one seed, and that lone, precious bye, with a home win over the 7-on-the-spin Dolphins.  Various shenanigans followed, with TN putting the ball on the turf multiple times at 17-3.  You have The Weapon, just punt on 1st down!  While it was true that MIA would do fuck-shit else on offense, Vrabel decided to keep making football points.  34-3 would be the final, and it was every bit that lopsided.  Welcome back to being the LOLfins.

You want ass kickings?  I give you Bearistocrats 29, Gigantes 3.  This was somehow sadder than those 50-10 and 34-3 losses from above.  The Giraffe re-entered the lineup after Fromm posting what I thought was the worst passing line I’d ever see (from an actual QB, not a fill-in WR) last week.  And he went 4-11 for TWENTY-FOUR yards, with two picks and two lost fumbles (plus 4 sacks).  JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST, they are REALLY bringing Joe Judge back.

Staying alive?  Jalen Hurts and the Iggles, who rallied for 13 second half points (along with a defensive shutout) and a 20-16 win over Team.  Boston Scott scored twice, and goody for him.  I noticed very little else about this game.  Sorry about that.  It was the Schlereth game, so I probably just tuned it out as much as my brain could.

Can you decline a replay review in your favoUr?  Maybe Indy should have, since Renfrow’s “down by contact” allowed Vegas to run the clock out and kick a game-winning FG at the gun, 23-20.  Both squadrons are now 9-7, and uh…head-to-head tiebreaker.  That’s Rikki’s Raiders! could seriously make the playoffs.  Live comes at you fast, sometimes.  Dakota Jeebus didn’t complete a pass until 5 minutes into Q2, which…ended up being important, though the Humps did manage to crawl out of their early hole.

I think, but am not sure, that Les Clippers du Merde and those wacky Raiders will have a “win and in” matchup in Week 18.  Because Horse Cock Lock…may not be the answer at quartered back.  Yeesh.  Mark Rypien’s kid even got to play a little, so good for him!  And Brandon McManus nailed a 61-yarder just before half, allowing my Donks to avoid the shameful clean sheet.  McManus is so good, rookie Pat Surtain II is so, so good.  But the team?  Not so good, Al.  Miami, #ThePauls, and Donks themselves…all eliminated with this 34-13 loss, hooray for garbage time scoring.  Just brutal.

If this was Charmslinger’s home finale before the Twaaaaalves, then at least he got to face the Unlanced Boyle Lions.  At some point, the dam had to break for this terrible, but largely game, Detroit squadron.  It would be Week 17.  Amon-Ra scored twice, which I am sure his mom really enjoyed.  Total waste of the Gus Johnson/Two of the Good Ones announcer tandem, even with the Fat Guy TD to Taylor Decker in garbage time.  When you start garbage time in Q2, you can get some weird scorelines.  51-29, fin.

Carolina and N’Awlins played out the string.  It was as lifeless as a Northern Ontario hobo.  Taysom Hill and Touch of Downs were equally shite, but the Saints got better placement kicking (until the doinked Q4 extra point).  18-10, home side, after a late Bitchin’ Kamara TD catch put things to bed.  Saints…not quite ded yet for playoff purposes.  If Matt Rhule sat down near you at the train station, you’d 100% instinctively check your wallet.

Santa Clara is still alive for the playoffs, not that they much showed it at home to the 500s.  Fuck’s sake, they even TRAILED 7-3 at the half.  You could make a case for David Culley as Coach of the Year.  But the Tomsulas fixed their shit at halftime, and win 23-7.  Not exactly a masterpiece, but survive and advance is the name of the game.

Apparently, that one excellent week was Dak!’s Prague Spring.  He looked dicey again at home to the reeling Qards.  I mean, not exactly reeling anymore.  Kyler tossed two scores to some asshole I ain’t never heard of.  I mean, Checkdown (Water Added) did cut the margin to 25-22 late, but it was small consolation as Kyler and Palz ran the clock out.  Arizona stays alive for the NFC West, if RRRRRRRRRAM IT!! stumbles in Week 18.

SNF will be Q-aaron skullfucking the hapless, Sean Mannion-led Vikings.  It is also cold.  Because it is Wisconsin in January, you see.  At NIGHT.  I made it all the way to 13-nil, that is certainly as much as Bay of Green could possibly need.  This clinches their #1 seed, so no bye for MRSA Dreamboat.  And there was much rejoicing.