How Do You Sleep at Night? – 2022 Presidents’ Day Open Thread

If you, anyone, lives in Puerto Rico, you can’t vote for the U.S. President–the President of here as well. It does get awkward for boricuas to celebrate Presidents’ Day, although not as much as U.S. Independence Day. So instead of woke musings, I rather concentrate on what Presidents’ Day does well.

Thanksgiving means turkey; July 4 means me and JPP giving two fingers; and Presidents’ Day means mattresses. There are mattresses that cool themselves, some have a built-in cooler, massager, bend every which way…

Allow me to elaborate. When I fall asleep, it takes an earthquake and maybe a Magnum ice cream truck playing The Hives full volume to wake me up before the alarm clock. I can sleep anywhere. That’s something I can brag about.

When I separated from my Ex Wife, I took our bed and mattresses, which had over 24 years of use. Alone, in my new Apt., I slept like a college student cutting class in that apparatus. I had to turn the mattress over every month because it was staring to look like a Mobius strip. Eventually, I settled into it, and complacently accepted the bed leaning more to the right. But it had to go; I got an estimate, and cleansing alone would require seven goats, according to my santero neighbor.

I’ve bought two mattresses since, both brand-new. The first one developed a deep crease in a coupla weeks, which was comforting to sleep down in, until self-respect kicked in (i.e., the warranty period was coming up). So I replaced it, and I’m set for life. Now I got my sight set on a hammock—an office hammock, if you will.

Imma evaluate other places I’ve slept, and also assess napability. But we gotta talk business first:

NFL NEWS

Folks, it’s gone. There is nothing to see here.

There are no concrete new events until the Draft, and that’s if you consider speculative projections as time entertained. It’s too abstract for me—and I’m at least a 5-seed in every brooding tournament I’ve entered. Free agency and the calendar reveal are what sustain me until July. Plus the usual arrests, holdout dramae, Ravens or Seahawks violating the CBA for the team activities thing, and perennial offseason narratives. Bookmark this post: Jalen Hurts will love the new offense.

If you’re a fan, the NFL is never gone gone, just the games. The hype is always there, but I only care about the games. Sure, I’ll pore over NFL Twitter like a forlorn long distance boyfriend over his GF’s social media feed, but never feel the anxiety of seeing her in lotsa Insta pics strolling through Hunk Gardens. It’s because I know the NFL will be back for action–I mean, games. And that makes me rest easy.

I have also rested very easily in a couch, which I prefer for naps. For me, a nap is ideally between 30 minutes and two hours (less is nodding off; more, you might be hungover). From a nap, you need to get up quickly, or at least easily. A couch lets you sit up without the “Where are you going? It’s nice here!” siren song of the pillow and mattress.

I once slept in a van, in NYC with a friend. It was the most sensible lodging alternative at the time. Pretty sure we brushed our teeth and stuff in the bathroom of the Museo del Barrio the next morning. Spoke English to mingle without notice, obviamente.

Stairwells. No comment.

Cars. Yeah, I’ve slept in them. Recent history: at the office building with my last employer [hocks, spits toward sidewalk], a couple of times I went to the car for a nap during office hours. I found a remote spot in the parking garage and clocked decent naps–in the driver’s seat, of course. I’m fucking civilzed, OK? Didn’t care if anyone at work got word of that. Hey, nobody said squat shit when I stayed all night fixing crap and stuff for the bosses, so I was achin’ to hear anything about that.

Hammock: oh God YES. It’s Slumber City.

Floors.

1. Wood, a couple of times. I once spent a week without heat during a winter in Boulder, and I had a metal couch with a foldout bed. That damn thing got cold AF, so I took all the blankets and stuff and slept on the floor. MUCH better.

2. Tile. It’s happened, voluntarily! During hot nights, the tile floor is cooler than the bed. I also did that when I was going through an influenza fever.

3. Rug. You wake up with reptile face. Avoid.

4. Concrete. Gotta get to the halfway house on time, homeys.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Atlantic, because #DIVERSITY* Here’s a totally not-condescending guide for time zones:

* I can’t trust my brain right now to make every single correct deduction.

Eastern – 1 hour less

DFO time – Minus 2

Mountain – 3 less.

DIGRESSION: Back in the Boulder, I lived in Mountain time for one academic year. Gotta say: Sunday NFL games at 11 AM, 2:30 PM, and 6:30 PM strike the best balance between (i) unhinged sloth and debauchery, and (ii) giving a fighting chance for rested and productive Mondays. “Lot of heavy lifting by ‘fighting chance’ there, guy”, snorted Atlas, while shifting the Ursa Minor onto his left shoulder.

Pacific time – Best Coasters like to sound smarter. Figure it out, beautiful peeples.

All listings by espen:

NCAA WOMENS’ BASKETBALL

UNC Greensboro @ Wofford – 8:00

UMass Lowell @ NJIT – 8:00

Bowling Green @ Kent State – 8:00

Marist @ Rider – 8:00

Monmouth @ Saint Peter’s – 8:00

(5) Indiana @ (22) Iowa – 9:00

Green Bay @ Milwaukee – 9:00

Northern Arizona @ Southern Utah – 9:00

Montana State @ Portland State – 10:00

NHL

Tirana @ Montréal – 8:00

Seattle @ Vancouver – 11:00

PRE-MADNESS MUSINGS

My God, an orgy of around 30 exhibitions. games. Listing via espen:

FÚTBOL

Colombian Top Flight (Primera A)

 Bucaramanga v. Envigado – 8:40

Fact! Colombia’s top division is named the Liga BetPlay. Three words, two commands in English to part with your possessions.

Submission approved by the United Fruit Company..

Argentina

 San Lorenzo v. Defensa y Justicia – 8:30 PM

That’s a match from the Copa de la Liga Profesional, Argentina’s tournament for top flight teams. After Maradona’s death on November 2020, the trophy was renamed la Copa Maradona. Then estate lawyers intervened and the trophy went back to its current generic name: Professional League Cup. This confirms why estate lawyers are atop the party poopers’ pyramid, above neighbors who call the police, parents returning home from a trip, Catholic school nuns, and unavailable condoms.

Oh man, today was an intense work day. I’m gonna have a beer. Make that a bourbon then a beer. Sleep well, rest easy, fight for mandatory PM naps.