My eyes fly open, sleep is instantly gone. I have seen my future and I know what I’m going to do with the rest of my sad existence.

Have you ever been to a golf driving range and seen some loser in one of those crappy old machines picking up golf balls while everyone, and I do mean everyone, takes shots at trying to hit the moving target? 

That’s it. That’s me! I’m going to do that.

I can see myself laughing hysterically from inside the “kill machine”.

JUST LOOK AT THE VICIOUS BLOODY TEETH

Now comes the challenge, how the hell am I going to pull this off? 

Same way I got the sweet bowling alley gig, persistence!

As soon as I’m fully awake, I went straight to the world wide web thing and searched out my future.

Six interviews at many varied golf courses later, I finally got a real chance.

My first scheduled day of my end of life journey? December the 23rd. Also scheduled for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, swell, but God had other plans.

My first day was spent in a driving rainstorm. The next two days were so rainy and wet that the golf course didn’t even open.

8 of my next ten scheduled shifts are washed out.

Some days later the skies clear and we all got to go back, move golf carts and pick up balls again, hooray.

Since I had missed so many days of my first three weeks I was still in need of some more career training which means up close in your personal space lessons from perfect strangers and when you get that close to the unvaccinated and stupid?

Four days later, I don’t feel right. Feels like I’m catching a cold, Oh Christ, no fucking way.

For going on two years I was so afraid to go outside that I locked myself in my own private hell and almost drank myself to death and I did go clinically (don’t make me prove it again) insane, which is nice. Four days outside in the brilliant sunshine at a beautiful golf course and I get the COVID.

Let me be real crystal here, not only did I get both of my first vaccines but a couple of months ago I also got my booster so that means I have 3 Pfizer’s in my old ass and in four days down goes fatty?

Some of you know this part (thank you Dok you are the best) and thanks for all the well wishers. I tested positive which means ten days of quarantine, sweet more Elizabeth Taylor movies.

3 days sort of sick and then I was fine but since I tested positive I could not go back until I could test negative. 

I did on day 11, so now of my first 28 days on my task at a new state of grace, I missed 24. Hey God thanks for being such a dick. 

Hey Jesus put your penis back in your pants or that hawk just might take a nibble.

I really have two jobs, most of the time I am moving golf carts around but if I’m lucky I get to “Pick” golf balls off the driving range, sometimes twice (we’ll get there hold onto your droopy undergarments) a day.

Done with an actual FREE pencil from our cherished grounds

We have what is called a cart barn

When it’s empty it looks like this

When it’s full it looks like this

My job is to make sure golfers have a fresh tasty cart right when their mean elitist ass wants one. So most of my day is spent zooming around in a golf cart, I know. “Yeah Right” said it sounds like you work at a theme park (I was going to name a specific mouse house but alas got scared) and he’s right, I do.

This is called the staging area 

“Super composition in that photo, you should be proud.”

When the work day is finished we have to tow them all back to their homes and charge their worn out batteries for the nasty white folk to use in the morning.

We have 140 carts that are moved in and out daily

Yes it is super fun and you wish you got to do this, but that is only half of the fun. Told you to be patient, you ever seen a golf ball picker?

I’m pretty sure it’s a tool of Satan but you know me.

Want to see one?

Careful what you wish for you just might find your titties getting jiggled up and down, to and fro inside one of these beasts.

Go ahead, hop in

You are now looking at my future, hey weirdo cut it out.

You now face hundreds of yards of golf balls and assholes trying to drive a golf ball off your skull. First time you get hit it sounds like a gunshot going off inside the cabin, scares the piss right out of you but then you become defiant, you start yelling

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries”

After a few rounds of this madness you have picked up enough golf balls to take back and fill the crates.

It does help to get them in the crates

Now comes the time for washing of the dirty little (hey you don’t know where they’ve been but I do) balls, but there are so many.

What’s a girl to do?

That there is the Q1000 automatic ball scrubber but please no pubes.

Yes it is! Like you’ve ever seen one in your (what do you mean who wants to?) entire wastoid life.

And that there is G100 fully immersible groin tenderizer, Knock it off over there, I’m the damn professional here.

Full of soon to be glistening balls.

Damp, juicy and gooey just like your undercarriage after sitting in that sweatbox kill machine on a hot day.

Walking up to the green on 17

Walked to the back of 17 and looked back, if you are a golfer your ass is SO jealous.

Sometimes the trees just fall over and die

I asked the head greenskeeper why and he said it was the beetles, so I said you mean playing crappy music kills the trees and as I espoused this absurdity I realized of course it does, look I told you to listen to The Dave Clark 5 years ago so don’t (yes, I did include a John Lennon star from the walk of fame, so what are you going to cancel me?) blame me.

Look is that an (I’m no ophthalmologist) Egret?

Beautiful

So what is your dream job? Can you go get it tomorrow?

Tomorrow my ass, that gig took months to land and now they are changing my job and forcing me to be ranger Taj!

I didn’t sign up for this, I don’t want to be golf course police I want to move carts and spill golf balls.

Hey old people shake your ass and get your wrinkles off my course. Jeez they’ll be dead next week and I’m supposed to throw them off their last round of golf for moving too slow?

What is this Russia?

Best to leave D.J. Insanity in the ball picker and move wrinkle pie yourself.

Now that’s something you can dance too!

Boules sanglantes

pour tout le monde

There’s paradise and then there’s this.

Only our Dok Zymm will get this

Must it have a point?

It’s just supposed to be a happy jaunt.

God loves Static-X and you should too.

D.J. Taj FEB-MAR/2022