[Note: this post WAS under construction. Thank you for your patience.

/Turns to see if pandering worked

Fuck alla youse]

Last night, while aggressively ignoring the 2022 edition of the Annual Industry Self-Celebration, THAT happened and I got aware because DFO and Twitter exploded. I saw the videos, heard the audios, studied every meme.

This is my favorite:

My take: I don’t think it’s a hoax. I was married long enough to know the consequences of a “You just gonna stand there and do nothing?” look from a spouse with dignity. Folks, staying put gets you weeks of strife, followed by years of resentment. It’s what I think; call me wrong, cool.

But if you marry Puerto Rican, lemme say “I told you so” beforehand.

But even if it’s a hoax, it’s insane the Oscars hosted it. Anybody not plussed after seeing the slap develop is:

1. full of shit,
2. a sociopath, or
3. crushing reddit.

It’s outrageous in the class of the freakin’ New York Times publishing “America Has a Free Speech Problem” as an editorial a week ago. No link, don’t worry; I copy-pasted the article while the Subscription Window came up. Here’s the morsel:

For all the tolerance and enlightenment that modern society claims, Americans are losing hold of a fundamental right as citizens of a free country: the right to speak their minds and voice their opinions in public without fear of being shamed or shunned. Via blech.🖕🏼.

So the folks who published The Pentagon Papers think that being free is being free of criticism. Either those postmodernist mofos were right, or nothing makes sense anymore. Regardless, fuck the NYT forever.

NFL NEWS

-Clots sign coach John Fox as “senior defensive assistant”. Guess not everything is damn cataclysmic.

-Depending where you read it, Teddy Bridgewater was either coy or defensive when declining to address his rung on the Dolphs QB room. So, today new HC Mike McDaniel clarified the depth chart to the media:

“Around the Combine, I was describing specifically what I thought Tua really needed in support with a backup quarterback,” McDaniel said. “Unbeknownst to you guys, I was quite literally describing Teddy Bridgewater at the time, just not using his name. So, both players have (been) explicitly explained their roles and expectations. For that room to be their best, they need to know that.”

I like McDaniel A LOT. I can’t believe he’s associated with Miami, in any way.

-Steelers HC Mike Tomlin comes out as an existentialist: “I don’t fear sudden death”, said Tomlin, then he took a loooong drag off an American Spirit while staring down the Paris Review reporter who asked him about the randomness of a coin flip determining the first possession of an NFL overtime.

-Actually, Tomlin said the first 60 minutes of a regulation NFL game ain’t banal. Unlike existence.

-Detroit is hot. I’m tellin’ ya, anything goes.

• Detroit will host the 2024 Draft.
• The Loins will be this year’s “Hard Knocks” team. We will get a chance to see firsthand the evolution of Meathead coach Dan Campbell. I never thought diversity and inclusion were a heavy burden, until I had to find a corner in my heart to a guy who turned toxic masculinity into 4th down denyin’.

WORLD CUP NEWS

-CANADA IS IN

My most sincere FELICIDADES CABRONEEEEEEEEE to BC Dick, Beerguyrob, Dunstan, Game Time Decision, The Colas, The Maestro, and Scotchnaut. Plus the good portion of Brick.

Canada is the only CONCACAF team to have clinched so far, ahead of Mundial perennials México and Costa Rica*. I’m telling you, ‘tis no bit; it’s truly anarchy out there in RL.

* hashtag SHADE

-Italia is oOt of the World Cup. Which was expected. I mean, it’s pretty freakin’; obvious. Italy won the European Cup last July and had been in an unprecedented 37-game unbeaten streak. Of course Italy would go on a home playoff game to the ancestral land of Fozz last Friday, and DIE to north Macedonia at 92’

-n. Macedonia will go on a playoff with Portugal. If Portugal loses, I propose we refer to the victors as “Macedonia”, land of antiquity’s Philip and father to a conqueror infamous for toxic masculinity and sodomy.

-I’m so entertained just thinking about how much that would annoy Greeks AND Turks. Who are both out of the World Cup–screw ’em!

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

NCAA WOMENS’ BASKETBALL

It’s the Flacco Eight for the women. First on the slate, a DFO Derby:

1 NC State v. 2 UConn – 6 PM

3 Michigan v. 1 Louisville – 8 PM

NBA

Oof. Everybody plays.

Denver @ Charlotte – 6 PM

Orlando @ Cleveland – 6 PM

Atlanta @ Indiana – 6 PM

Sacramento @ Miami – 6:30 PM

Chicago @ New York – 6:30 PM

Boston @ Tirana – 6:30 PM

San Antonio @ Houston – 7 PM

Golden State @ Memphis – 7 PM

OK City @ Portland – 9 PM

NHL

[INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK] @ Capitals – 6 PM

Canucks @ Blues – 6:30 PM

Sabres @ Blackhawks – 7:30 PM

Coyotes @ Eulers – 8:30 PM

Karens @ Kings – 9:30 PM

FÚTBOL

Las Bajas Américas don’t care for international breaks. On deck for tonight:

Argentina (Second Tier)

Agropecuario hosts Independiente Rivadavia – 6 PM

Atlético Rafaela hosts Deportivo Madryn – 6 PM

Santamarina hosts Deportivo Morón – 6:30 PM

San Martín (Tucumán) hosts Deportivo Maipú – 7:10 PM

Colombia (Top Flight)

Atlético Nacional hosts Independiente Santa Fe – 7:35 PM

Finally, a theory: the “It’s a hoax / job” theory got traction because A LOT of folks said Will Smith threw a punch. It was clearly a slap, regardless of headline. I have a left nut volunteering for suicide if you find 1,000 Latin folks who saw the video and said “Wait, it’s a punch!”. No punch ends in an open hand. I don’t mean to be condescending; our kids TV was just better.

https://gfycat.com/caringamazingemperorpenguin