Monday Morning Mock Draft: Word Processor of the Gods

Hey, so, little late with this one. That’s what happens when you have a birthday on a Sunday and then get sucked into trying to finish ‘Ozark’ but don’t, because the last episode just seems to be taking forever and it’s time to go to bed and, oops, forgot to do that thing.

This week we are taking a page from the wonderful Stephen King short story ‘Word Processor of the Gods’ in which, sort story even shorter, a sad sack author gets a magical word processor that allows him to ‘delete’ people from his current miserable existence and then type in the family he should have had. Quick, painless, and everything’s wrapped up in a neat bundle without having a bunch of 10-12 year-olds having a gangbang in the sewers of Derry, Maine.

Speaking of things that should have been deleted.

Anyhoo, last week we were drafting fictional villains, which naturally led to some discussion of real life villains, and also naturally led to some appearances by everyone’s favorite, The Blair Witch. This week we drafting people we would, using our own personal Word Processor of the Gods, delete from history.

Here with the rules is this week’s guest host, noted historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.

The rules are simple. Each draftee must have been a real person, or thing I guess, if for some reason you believe that a tangible object and/or animal has adversely influenced history to the point that it would be better had it not existed. Each draft pick is just…gone. They never existed. Everything they did, everything they influenced, everything that flows from that persons existence, does not. It’s that simple.

Also, as discussed last week, you can’t draft Adolf Hitler, as we are putting him in the ‘Goes Without Saying’ category. Fuck that guy.

With the first pick in this week’s draft I will take this guy:

A none-too-bright yet charismatic actor who set the tone for regarding government as something to abhorred rather than utilized, who presided over exploding deficits and shrinking unions, who even unwittingly, (because let’s face it, he didn’t have his wits about him for a good chunk of his 8 years), set a tone of people voting against their economic interests in favor of voting against “others” civil rights, and the election of whom set the US on a downward trend that eventually led to the election of an orange-skinned clown as President, something I’m frankly not sure we’ll recover from in my lifetime.

Also, if Ronnie’s deleted I probably never have to hear about his goblin of a wife was such an aficionado of throat yogurt. That alone would make him a Top 5 pick.

The rest of you are on the clock.

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yeah right

Free agent signing:

Robert Kardashian.

From birth.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is an amazing and inspired draft topic, and I missed the whole fucking thing.

But I’ll show up and draft Alito in honor of his absolute shitbaggedbess today (and every day before that).

Senor Weaselo

Similar to Reefer, but I’m taking Rob Manfred.

BeefReeferLives

Wait, what??? History’s greatest monster remains un-erased? Sorry, but I’m going to have to pick just one more….

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BeefReeferLives

Last one for me. Bill “I know nothing, NOTHING” Barr (& yeah, Bill wasn’t a genocidal maniac, but he was a partisan hack that enabled tRump & weakened our democracy. That, and I really wanted to use this image)

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Sharkbait

Quality photoshop

Senor Weaselo

I go to a funeral and I miss all the good picks! Well, better go for the personally obvious.

Mehmed Talaat, orchestrator of the Armenian genocide.

Last edited 2 years ago by Senor Weaselo
BeefReeferLives

Perhaps an artless and hackneyed pick, but no doubt that many lives would be improved (especially around the NY area, but also the US and world as a whole) if this asshole had never been.

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borisnow

In what is likely my last one of the day, Idi Amin has to be deleted.

Brick Meathook

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WCS

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BeefReeferLives

Rae Carruth.

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SonOfSpam

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Larry Nassar. There was absolutely no benefit to this man’s existence on the planet. Many other picks, you could say, “hey, someone else would have done the same things/been just as bad” but I’m pretty sure nobody else would have managed to do nearly as much damage to young women as this man did. And I shouldn’t even say “women” – I mean girls. Little girls. Fuck this guy forever.

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WCS

JoePa

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Nothing needs to be said.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thanks for the inspiration.

TheRevanchist

Scott Gold. I knew him in 4th grade. A real asshole. Seriously. Fuck that guy.

Sharkbait

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SonOfSpam

This horrid harpy (ALLITERATION!) not only spawned lots of evil, but singlehandedly robbed a great American athlete of his penis.

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WCS

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King Hippo

I only know they’s in the playoffs because the marketing department at work sent an e-mail about using the tickets for clients.

Apparently, they got Bahstahn, which will mean sellouts.

Sharkbait

Jimmy Saville. How this fuckface never paid for his crimes is a travesty.

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BeefReeferLives

So not only did this partisan shitheel drag the presidency & nation through the mud to impeach Clinton for a blowjob; he was largely responsible for securing convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s secret 2008 plea deal, which resulted in God knows how many more sexual assults of young girls. Fuck Ken Starr….

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WCS

Let’s not forget his stellar defense of Baylor University!

BeefReeferLives

Oh brother, that’s right… Yet another example of his shitbaggery.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is arguably the steal of the draft.

Let’s not forget that he also cheated on his wife.

https://medium.com/@judihershman/ken-starr-brett-kavanaugh-jeffrey-epstein-and-me-ba2dbf77b0da

borisnow

Whoever came up with the K-A-R-S for Kids Commercial needs to be drug out into the street and shot

Brick Meathook

Let’s not forget this guy:
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borisnow

what do you have against Ben Kinglsey?

yeah right

Bill Cosby.

BeefReeferLives

Excellent value…

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BeefReeferLives

RTD took Murdoch, so I will take the other Faux Noise dirtbag.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll be the first to admit that Ailes might have been a better pick – some decent stuff did come out of Fox studios. Whereas Fox News has been nothing but poison to America.

BeefReeferLives

Thanks! That’s debatable though. Ailes mostly concerned himself with Faux Noise, whereas Rupert has several outlets (such as the WSJ, for example) to blast out his toxic lies.

Also, at least Ailes is dead. Rupert is still alive and using his evil to pervert journalism.

Fuck em both…

Brick Meathook

I subscribe to and read The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Washington Post daily (with occasional forays over to BBC News and The Guardian). I do not get my news from Twitter or Facebook or TV.

Of those three, the WSJ is the best at regular reporting, more in-depth and better written, and it’s pretty even keeled. There’s little or no love for Trump or the far right either. The business reporting is top-notch, and I’d make enormous profits if I had any money. The WSJ’s op-eds and letters can veer to the wacko side though, but they’re ignorable.

The NY Times has just gone sort of left-wing loony even in their general news articles. I’d drop my subscription (which I’ve had since they went online) except I subscribe to the crossword puzzle.

The Post is hit or miss, and not only is it owned by evil Jeff Bezos, but they still owe me $120 from when I was a paperboy awake at an ungodly hour delivering the heaviest newspaper in America over the hilliest route in Arlington Virginia. With interest, I figure Bezos owes me one billion dollars, and I don’t want to see no crypto shit. U.S. currency only, dude.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s fertile ground for a debate. Would Fox News have existed without Ailes? Possibly. Would it have existed without Murdoch? Again, possibly. Without either of them? Who knows!

Brick Meathook

Fox News descended from Roger Ailes’s news operation built for Nixon’s 1968 campaign, to bypass the established news operations that Nixon blamed for his defeats in 1960 and 1962. Ailes succeeded wildly, first for Nixon, then for Reagan, then for Murdoch. Eventually Murdoch couldn’t control Ailes’s power due to his profitability.

Gumbygirl

I can’t believe the Dick King is still available. Richard Fucking Cheney.

Sharkbait

Gavrilo Princip. Basically anything that went wrong in the 20th century can be tracked back to this guy

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borisnow

If it wasn’t him it would have been someone else though

borisnow

Wasn’t there a group of like 30 dudes there to take out Ferdinand? Could’ve been any of em

Last edited 2 years ago by borisnow
borisnow

That’s my understanding

BeefReeferLives

“Basically anything that went wrong in the 20th century can be tracked back to this guy”

So THAT’S the mofo who stole my bike back when I was in junior high???? SON OF A BITCH!!!

Brick Meathook

Jackie Kennedy

On the morning of November 22, 1963, while President Kennedy met with Dallas civic leaders, Mrs. Kennedy supposedly had coffee with a women’s club. Instead, she was actually receiving her final briefing from CIA officers on her role in the assassination, scheduled for that afternoon.

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WCS

OLLIE STONE WAS RIGHT

Sharkbait
BeefReeferLives

More like “back, and to the right”.

Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
King Hippo

Steve Jobs

Without his taking Apple into cult status, I’d be able to buy a 5G Blackberry* without hassle. And Canadia would have, say, the world’s 5th largest economy.

*even what I have, falling apart and battery being sketchy, is a FAR superior product to those shitty iPhones.

BeefReeferLives

Betsy DeVos. Deserving of erasure for the Amway and Neurocore scams alone, but factor in her tRump humping & attempts to make American education a bible thumping, profit-driven enterprise…

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King Hippo

Solid. Value. Pick.

Gumbygirl

Oh yes. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Rupert Murdoch

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The question of whether this costs us The Simpsons, Futurama, and everything wonderful put out by FX is why I’m taking him in the fourth instead of the first.

King Hippo

I had similar misgivings about picking Henry Ford.

Brick Meathook

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Sharkbait

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King Hippo

Making his “Yes! I’d LOVE to touch your butthole!” face

King Hippo

Hey, we need to make sure BOTH ends of the “horseshoe theory” spectrum can get fucked.

Tulsi Gabbard

Fuck your asshole father, fuck your cult, fuck all of your lemming followers, too.

Sharkbait

Alec Martinez.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID

borisnow

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ballsofsteelandfury

😂🤣😂🤣😂

SonOfSpam

That means I wouldn’t have a hockey puck on my desk autographed by Alec Martinez.

Which I currently have and will send you pics of.

borisnow

Do it, you won’t

borisnow

Later Asswipe

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WCS

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I’M GOING TO YELL AT YOU ABOUT THE NBA FOR SIX HOURS

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Stephen A. Smith is just pointless.

King Hippo

I swear you and I posted this conncurrently.

BeefReeferLives

Jinx!

Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
King Hippo

one of us TOTES owes the other a Coke

WCS

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What kind?

SonOfSpam

But without SAS, we wouldn’t have the “Crab Rangoon, things of that nature” tweet.

WCS

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