Hey, so, little late with this one. That’s what happens when you have a birthday on a Sunday and then get sucked into trying to finish ‘Ozark’ but don’t, because the last episode just seems to be taking forever and it’s time to go to bed and, oops, forgot to do that thing.
This week we are taking a page from the wonderful Stephen King short story ‘Word Processor of the Gods’ in which, sort story even shorter, a sad sack author gets a magical word processor that allows him to ‘delete’ people from his current miserable existence and then type in the family he should have had. Quick, painless, and everything’s wrapped up in a neat bundle without having a bunch of 10-12 year-olds having a gangbang in the sewers of Derry, Maine.
Speaking of things that should have been deleted.
Anyhoo, last week we were drafting fictional villains, which naturally led to some discussion of real life villains, and also naturally led to some appearances by everyone’s favorite, The Blair Witch. This week we drafting people we would, using our own personal Word Processor of the Gods, delete from history.
Here with the rules is this week’s guest host, noted historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.
The rules are simple. Each draftee must have been a real person, or thing I guess, if for some reason you believe that a tangible object and/or animal has adversely influenced history to the point that it would be better had it not existed. Each draft pick is just…gone. They never existed. Everything they did, everything they influenced, everything that flows from that persons existence, does not. It’s that simple.
Also, as discussed last week, you can’t draft Adolf Hitler, as we are putting him in the ‘Goes Without Saying’ category. Fuck that guy.
With the first pick in this week’s draft I will take this guy:
A none-too-bright yet charismatic actor who set the tone for regarding government as something to abhorred rather than utilized, who presided over exploding deficits and shrinking unions, who even unwittingly, (because let’s face it, he didn’t have his wits about him for a good chunk of his 8 years), set a tone of people voting against their economic interests in favor of voting against “others” civil rights, and the election of whom set the US on a downward trend that eventually led to the election of an orange-skinned clown as President, something I’m frankly not sure we’ll recover from in my lifetime.
Also, if Ronnie’s deleted I probably never have to hear about his goblin of a wife was such an aficionado of throat yogurt. That alone would make him a Top 5 pick.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Stephen A. Smith
Not really kosher to select a whole family, so I’ll go with Richard Sackler. Knowingly inflicted untold suffering on millions just to make a buck. Made El Chapo & Escobar look like rank amateurs.
Going for some serious value:
Aaron Fucking Rodgers.
Get fucked scumbag.
Take Favre with you
Just finished ‘Ozark’
Whoever wrote the ending is my next pick.
I will say no more.
3. Probably the best value I’m gonna get in this draft. Fred C. Koch: he helped Stalin *and* Hitler!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_C._Koch
Dynamite pick. THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!
St. Paul. Jesus seems like a pretty cool guy. Hung out with hookers, and if you ran out of booze he was always willing to upgrade your water.
But the Paul comes along and all of sudden Jesus is turned into some sort of prudish asshole.
From James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time:
White Christians have also forgotten several elementary historical details. They have forgotten that the religion that is now identified with their virtue and their power—“God is on our side,” says Dr. Verwoerd—came out of a rocky piece of ground in what is now known as the Middle East before color was invented, and that in order for the Christian church to be established, Christ had to be put to death, by Rome, and that the real architect of the Christian church was not the disreputable, sunbaked Hebrew who gave it his name but the mercilessly fanatical and self-righteous St. Paul.
(Pure coincidence that I was reading that tonight)
Fuck you, Chauvin.
This might be controversial, but if you delete Muhammad, a lot of pain, suffering, and existing problems instantly go away
Can’t imagine why that would be at all controversial.
Go ahead and add every single Pope ever besides maybe the current one.
Can’t believe he’s made it this far in the draft.
He has not personally invented shit the fuck all – he’s just simply bought the technology and had the actual smart people work hard to build stuff while he rides their coattails. I think we’d almost definitely be further ahead in electric car design and renewable energy tech if we didn’t have to deal with this ridiculous cult of personality.
The world would be a much better place without apartheid emerald miners.
He was my next pick.
Same. I was waiting the alotted time.
Boy am I tired of seeing his ugly ass in my news feed.
He definitely diddles children.
He’s definitely beginning to blur the lines between regular villain and cartoon villain…
Confirmed: WCS is Jim Everett.
CHRISSY!
Jim Everett never has to pay for a drink in the bar I don’t own.
Kid Rock.
No reason for this rich kid dirtbag to exist.
Martin Shkreli.
Tech bro my dick hole.
And any and all pharmaceutical company fuckheads who profit off of peoples afflictions.
Word. Along with every motherfucking mutt responsible for jacking up the price on insulin & killing poor people to make a buck…. Fuck them.
Manchin’s daughter, for one.
2. LET THE RUN ON MEMBERS OF THE [REDACTED] ORGANIZATION BEGIN!
George Allen. Without him the Commies have far less of a burnished legacy, and both George “Felix” Allen and Bruce Allen would never have existed.
Did he tell the photographer, “Surround me with empty helmets, like they were scalps or something.”?
Peter Thiel.
Oh, that’s one of the best picks I’ve seen today.
Thanks, Peter is a true shitbag.
YES.
I had him, but, my inner-Stillers fan took over.
If there’s one thing US History is consistent with: do NOT fuck with the IRS. Ever. Adios, Danny Boy!
Al Capone fucked with the IRS and they sentenced him to a case of syphilis.
Worst Supreme Court Justice of my lifetime – Antonin Scalia, may he rot in hell
I feel like Clarence Thomas is better value.
It was mentally debated, but Scalia produced more satellite statelets with his clerks and his pseudo-intellectualist status. Thomas just mostly sleeps up there.
Yeah, but his wife….
That’s what I was thinking – kind of a two-for-one deal.
Mark Zuckerberg. Pretty sure deleting him actually involves wiping an embedded hard drive in his robotic skull
How dare you steal him from me
Pol Pot can get fucked
JD Salinger.
No one’s gonna miss Holden Caufield
Whatta phony.
lol…well played
Yeah, but who *won’t* miss HSAC!WDTK?DTK?TLFO!
***YINZER MODE ACTIVATED***
AHHHH! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAHHHHHHH!FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!
***Yinzer Mode Deactivated, sort of***
Neil ODonnell for throwing the two worst interceptions in Super Bowl history, and giving the OL’ DOUBLE J another title.
Just for that I’m drafting the original Hapsburg.
That actually would be a net-plus for the world.
With a dishonorable mention for Tommy fucking Maddox. He deserved ALL the garbage that was dumped on his lawn.
Newt fucking Gingrich. What an utter shitbag. We are all worse off for his having existed.
Part the Second – Rafa Benitez
Everybody’s getting all political or historical here and I’m thinking “what single player, by his simple lack of existence, would have had the greatest possible positive effect on the Raiders franchise’s fortunes?” The answer couldn’t be simpler.
For bookkeeping purposes: 1. Jamarcus Russell
“Oh, the humanity!!!”
Is he waiting to be fed like a sealion or walrus?
Yes
Lee Atwater. Motherfucker.
For my next pick, I’m going with this fucking asshole.
The Dollop and Behind the Bastards did a 6 part podcast on Kissinger. It’s fantastic
My hatred for the man knows no bounds. It’s been 50 years and Southeast Asia still hasn’t recovered.
But who will drop their glasses in the toilet while touring the Springfield nuclear power plant?
Stunned he’s lasted this long.
Both in the draft and in life.
Tom DeLay
This peckerhead is largely responsible for the state of politics in this country.
Ayn Rand was a shitty writer and a shitty person and a shitty role model for current shitty people. Delete.
She’s also a hypocrite
On the plus side, she has had the good taste to pass away.
There is little doubt in my mind that the world would be a better place if Roy Cohn had never existed….
This asshole
Fuck, that was my next pick.
The rowboat on the back seems awfully optimistic.
I just assumed that was for Columbus’s “steerage.”
You are very anti-immigrant
Shoot — I’ll be the DFO Originalist.
Michael Bidwill.
Deleting Kim Il Sung…takes care of several problems.
Michael Bay.
Gimme my old school Hollywood back.
I was gonna take him at some point!
Mitch the Bitch
I know that the original Hitler is verboten, but how about bald Hitler? Didn’t see Vladdy picked yet…
I mean really… Will someone give this asshole a cuppa Polonium 210 tea already???
This is easy.
Piss off, Alex Jones ya twathammer.
“twathammer” is an exceptional word that I will now add to my lexicon.
You’re welcome, I guess?
Morton Downey, Jr.
The rise of Rush and his followers is probably inevitable, but Downey is the first guy I’m aware of that did that radio/TV performance of just screaming about how poor people that don’t look like you are destroying society, so fuck him. Deleted.
Eric Harris. You fucking-piece-of-cowardly-shit. Deleted.
2nd pick:
Andrew Johnson for fucking up Reconstruction and allowing the south to continue to do shitty things
That’s an outstanding pick.
Johnson’s corpse should be dug up and hung by the neck.
Put me down for one Jerry Falwell. I’m not a man of religion myself but fuck those who prey on the faith-inclined like that.
Going with Teddy B.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CpRCc4Jre8
“The fuck did I do???”
You know what you did. Just admit it, Ted.
With my pick reinstated I’m selecting Brady.
Tom fucking Brady.
Awww. & I had a nice jpg of him all picked out…. (well chosen, though)
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BdvjhXQIQAAMCJY?format=jpg&name=small
Damned images…
I’m going off the board here and taking some unknown African monkey from millions of years ago. If that little fucker didn’t get hungry and come down from his tree to look for nuts and berries, we wouldn’t have had all… this shit going on.
Honorable mention
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/29/science/tiktaalik-fish-fossil-meme.html
U*NC’s Dean Smith. Armed and Hammered will get where I am coming from.
Yep, sorry I missed this draft, fucking co-workers taking vacations and making me have to actually work….
I’ll take Rush Limbaugh; kinda like Reagan begat Trump, he begat Hannity and Carlson.
It’s good (great) that’s he’s blowing Satan now, but it would be better had he never existed.
I have a second pick lined up to try to eliminate El Rushbo before he can even get started.
Say what you will about cancer, it did kill Rush Limbaugh
So I get to take the orange face bag of pig shit?
Cool.
Hey Trump. You’re deleted.
Sharky already deleted his worthless azz. 1st one taken / gone. No surprise there…
Yeah Right gets a pass on this one, since a quick skim of Sharky’s selection had even me thinking Benito Mussolini. No visit from the Blair Witch, but Trump is in fact off the board, and Yeah Right can have his pick back.
He’s such a piece of shit he should be deleted, brought back, and deleted again.
Frankly I think deleting Reagan deletes Trump is a viable politician, but if we start nuking picks based on that logic we’re never getting anything done.
Fuck ‘im, delete him a third time while we’re at it.
In perpetuity.
George Lucas, after he did Empire Strikes back but before the prequels….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDCjIjsZp_Y
While we’re on the subject of Patton Oswalt making fun of shitty people:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZlRX1EVnSw
Excellent
Thanks!
Cheeto Mussolini. Not googling a picture to paste here because:
A) Fuck that guy
B) I don’t want my algorithm fucked up with his punchable face.
Retweet
Yup. Tho’ he is pretty close to the “Goes without saying” category. Whatta shitbag…
I’ve been waiting for this:
Erich Ludendorff.
Dude’s lucky Hitler came along a few decades later to steal the title of Worst German Ever.
This was at your request, if I recall.
Had I not had the better part of 9-10 beers yesterday I would have tried to get you the first pick. That said, I’m expecting big things from you, Boris.
It was! Great topic, should make for some good takes today!