Monday Morning Mock Draft: Word Processor of the Gods

Hey, so, little late with this one. That’s what happens when you have a birthday on a Sunday and then get sucked into trying to finish ‘Ozark’ but don’t, because the last episode just seems to be taking forever and it’s time to go to bed and, oops, forgot to do that thing.

This week we are taking a page from the wonderful Stephen King short story ‘Word Processor of the Gods’ in which, sort story even shorter, a sad sack author gets a magical word processor that allows him to ‘delete’ people from his current miserable existence and then type in the family he should have had. Quick, painless, and everything’s wrapped up in a neat bundle without having a bunch of 10-12 year-olds having a gangbang in the sewers of Derry, Maine.

Speaking of things that should have been deleted.

Anyhoo, last week we were drafting fictional villains, which naturally led to some discussion of real life villains, and also naturally led to some appearances by everyone’s favorite, The Blair Witch. This week we drafting people we would, using our own personal Word Processor of the Gods, delete from history.

Here with the rules is this week’s guest host, noted historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.

The rules are simple. Each draftee must have been a real person, or thing I guess, if for some reason you believe that a tangible object and/or animal has adversely influenced history to the point that it would be better had it not existed. Each draft pick is just…gone. They never existed. Everything they did, everything they influenced, everything that flows from that persons existence, does not. It’s that simple.

Also, as discussed last week, you can’t draft Adolf Hitler, as we are putting him in the ‘Goes Without Saying’ category. Fuck that guy.

With the first pick in this week’s draft I will take this guy:

A none-too-bright yet charismatic actor who set the tone for regarding government as something to abhorred rather than utilized, who presided over exploding deficits and shrinking unions, who even unwittingly, (because let’s face it, he didn’t have his wits about him for a good chunk of his 8 years), set a tone of people voting against their economic interests in favor of voting against “others” civil rights, and the election of whom set the US on a downward trend that eventually led to the election of an orange-skinned clown as President, something I’m frankly not sure we’ll recover from in my lifetime.

Also, if Ronnie’s deleted I probably never have to hear about his goblin of a wife was such an aficionado of throat yogurt. That alone would make him a Top 5 pick.

The rest of you are on the clock.

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King Hippo

Stephen A. Smith

Brick Meathook

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BeefReeferLives

Not really kosher to select a whole family, so I’ll go with Richard Sackler. Knowingly inflicted untold suffering on millions just to make a buck. Made El Chapo & Escobar look like rank amateurs.

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yeah right

Going for some serious value:

Aaron Fucking Rodgers.

Get fucked scumbag.

Gumbygirl

Take Favre with you

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Probably the best value I’m gonna get in this draft. Fred C. Koch: he helped Stalin *and* Hitler!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_C._Koch

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The Maestro

Dynamite pick. THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!

Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

From James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time:

White Christians have also forgotten several elementary historical details. They have forgotten that the religion that is now identified with their virtue and their power—“God is on our side,” says Dr. Verwoerd—came out of a rocky piece of ground in what is now known as the Middle East before color was invented, and that in order for the Christian church to be established, Christ had to be put to death, by Rome, and that the real architect of the Christian church was not the disreputable, sunbaked Hebrew who gave it his name but the mercilessly fanatical and self-righteous St. Paul.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

(Pure coincidence that I was reading that tonight)

BeefReeferLives

Fuck you, Chauvin.

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borisnow

This might be controversial, but if you delete Muhammad, a lot of pain, suffering, and existing problems instantly go away

The Maestro

Can’t believe he’s made it this far in the draft.

He has not personally invented shit the fuck all – he’s just simply bought the technology and had the actual smart people work hard to build stuff while he rides their coattails. I think we’d almost definitely be further ahead in electric car design and renewable energy tech if we didn’t have to deal with this ridiculous cult of personality.

The world would be a much better place without apartheid emerald miners.

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Sharkbait

He was my next pick.

yeah right

Same. I was waiting the alotted time.

Boy am I tired of seeing his ugly ass in my news feed.

WCS

He definitely diddles children.

BeefReeferLives

He’s definitely beginning to blur the lines between regular villain and cartoon villain…

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WCS

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Sharkbait

Confirmed: WCS is Jim Everett.

The Maestro

CHRISSY!

WCS

Jim Everett never has to pay for a drink in the bar I don’t own.

SonOfSpam

Kid Rock.

No reason for this rich kid dirtbag to exist.

Brick Meathook

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yeah right

Martin Shkreli.

Tech bro my dick hole.

And any and all pharmaceutical company fuckheads who profit off of peoples afflictions.

Last edited 2 years ago by yeah right
BeefReeferLives

Word. Along with every motherfucking mutt responsible for jacking up the price on insulin & killing poor people to make a buck…. Fuck them.

Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
Gumbygirl

Manchin’s daughter, for one.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. LET THE RUN ON MEMBERS OF THE [REDACTED] ORGANIZATION BEGIN!

George Allen. Without him the Commies have far less of a burnished legacy, and both George “Felix” Allen and Bruce Allen would never have existed.

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Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
LemonJello

Did he tell the photographer, “Surround me with empty helmets, like they were scalps or something.”?

BeefReeferLives

Peter Thiel.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that’s one of the best picks I’ve seen today.

BeefReeferLives

Thanks, Peter is a true shitbag.

Brick Meathook

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WCS

YES.

I had him, but, my inner-Stillers fan took over.

If there’s one thing US History is consistent with: do NOT fuck with the IRS. Ever. Adios, Danny Boy!

Brick Meathook

Al Capone fucked with the IRS and they sentenced him to a case of syphilis.

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King Hippo

Worst Supreme Court Justice of my lifetime – Antonin Scalia, may he rot in hell

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Clarence Thomas is better value.

King Hippo

It was mentally debated, but Scalia produced more satellite statelets with his clerks and his pseudo-intellectualist status. Thomas just mostly sleeps up there.

Gumbygirl

Yeah, but his wife….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s what I was thinking – kind of a two-for-one deal.

Sharkbait

Mark Zuckerberg. Pretty sure deleting him actually involves wiping an embedded hard drive in his robotic skull

borisnow

How dare you steal him from me

borisnow

Pol Pot can get fucked

BeefReeferLives

Whatta phony.

borisnow

lol…well played

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, but who *won’t* miss HSAC!WDTK?DTK?TLFO!

WCS

***YINZER MODE ACTIVATED***
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AHHHH! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAHHHHHHH!FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!

***Yinzer Mode Deactivated, sort of***

Neil ODonnell for throwing the two worst interceptions in Super Bowl history, and giving the OL’ DOUBLE J another title.

WCS

That actually would be a net-plus for the world.

BeefReeferLives

With a dishonorable mention for Tommy fucking Maddox. He deserved ALL the garbage that was dumped on his lawn.

BeefReeferLives

Newt fucking Gingrich. What an utter shitbag. We are all worse off for his having existed.

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Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
King Hippo

Part the Second – Rafa Benitez

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Everybody’s getting all political or historical here and I’m thinking “what single player, by his simple lack of existence, would have had the greatest possible positive effect on the Raiders franchise’s fortunes?” The answer couldn’t be simpler.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For bookkeeping purposes: 1. Jamarcus Russell

BeefReeferLives

“Oh, the humanity!!!”

LemonJello

Is he waiting to be fed like a sealion or walrus?

WCS

Yes

Gumbygirl

Lee Atwater. Motherfucker.

The Maestro

For my next pick, I’m going with this fucking asshole.comment image

Sharkbait

The Dollop and Behind the Bastards did a 6 part podcast on Kissinger. It’s fantastic

The Maestro

My hatred for the man knows no bounds. It’s been 50 years and Southeast Asia still hasn’t recovered.

WCS

But who will drop their glasses in the toilet while touring the Springfield nuclear power plant?

Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
WCS

Tom DeLay

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This peckerhead is largely responsible for the state of politics in this country.

Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
SonOfSpam

Ayn Rand was a shitty writer and a shitty person and a shitty role model for current shitty people. Delete.

borisnow

She’s also a hypocrite

BeefReeferLives

There is little doubt in my mind that the world would be a better place if Roy Cohn had never existed….

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Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
Sharkbait

This asshole
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Last edited 2 years ago by Sharkbait
borisnow

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borisnow

I just assumed that was for Columbus’s “steerage.”

Brick Meathook

You are very anti-immigrant

Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
blaxabbath

Shoot — I’ll be the DFO Originalist.

Michael Bidwill.

borisnow

Deleting Kim Il Sung…takes care of several problems.

yeah right

Michael Bay.

Gimme my old school Hollywood back.

borisnow

I was gonna take him at some point!

Gumbygirl

Mitch the Bitch

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BeefReeferLives

I know that the original Hitler is verboten, but how about bald Hitler? Didn’t see Vladdy picked yet…

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BeefReeferLives

I mean really… Will someone give this asshole a cuppa Polonium 210 tea already???

WCS

This is easy.
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Piss off, Alex Jones ya twathammer.

LemonJello

“twathammer” is an exceptional word that I will now add to my lexicon.

WCS

You’re welcome, I guess?

borisnow

Eric Harris. You fucking-piece-of-cowardly-shit. Deleted.

Sharkbait

2nd pick:
Andrew Johnson for fucking up Reconstruction and allowing the south to continue to do shitty things

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blaxabbath

Put me down for one Jerry Falwell. I’m not a man of religion myself but fuck those who prey on the faith-inclined like that.

BeefReeferLives
SonOfSpam

“The fuck did I do???”

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BeefReeferLives

You know what you did. Just admit it, Ted.

yeah right

With my pick reinstated I’m selecting Brady.

Tom fucking Brady.

BeefReeferLives

Awww. & I had a nice jpg of him all picked out…. (well chosen, though)

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BdvjhXQIQAAMCJY?format=jpg&name=small

Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives

Damned images…

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The Maestro

I’m going off the board here and taking some unknown African monkey from millions of years ago. If that little fucker didn’t get hungry and come down from his tree to look for nuts and berries, we wouldn’t have had all… this shit going on.

King Hippo

U*NC’s Dean Smith. Armed and Hammered will get where I am coming from.

ArmedandHammered

Yep, sorry I missed this draft, fucking co-workers taking vacations and making me have to actually work….

SonOfSpam

I’ll take Rush Limbaugh; kinda like Reagan begat Trump, he begat Hannity and Carlson.

It’s good (great) that’s he’s blowing Satan now, but it would be better had he never existed.

yeah right

So I get to take the orange face bag of pig shit?

Cool.

Hey Trump. You’re deleted.

BeefReeferLives

Sharky already deleted his worthless azz. 1st one taken / gone. No surprise there…

Sharkbait

He’s such a piece of shit he should be deleted, brought back, and deleted again.

Gumbygirl

In perpetuity.

BeefReeferLives

George Lucas, after he did Empire Strikes back but before the prequels….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDCjIjsZp_Y

Sharkbait

While we’re on the subject of Patton Oswalt making fun of shitty people:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZlRX1EVnSw

BeefReeferLives

Thanks!

Sharkbait

Cheeto Mussolini. Not googling a picture to paste here because:
A) Fuck that guy
B) I don’t want my algorithm fucked up with his punchable face.

borisnow

Retweet

BeefReeferLives

Yup. Tho’ he is pretty close to the “Goes without saying” category. Whatta shitbag…

borisnow

I’ve been waiting for this:

Erich Ludendorff.

Dude’s lucky Hitler came along a few decades later to steal the title of Worst German Ever.

borisnow

It was! Great topic, should make for some good takes today!