Two months ago an opportunity appeared: go to Mexico City for a long weekend. The undertaking required a reasoned analysis, so I ran the decision through a dispassionate and rigorous algorithm:

Oh yeah, I was gonna go mos def. I never had gone there and my god it was amazing.

As a Puerto Rican, it is difficult for me to explain the glee felt upon arriving at an independent republic where only Spanish is spoken. And that was just waiting in the Miami airport for a layover until the flight to Ciudad México! The swearing by overworked baristas at the airport Starbucks really made me feel at home.

And then there was Ciudad México. Per Wiki P, CDMX is second only to London in museums per area. I went to the Anthropology Museum, whose every exhibition on indigenous cultures was a rebuke to Western cultural hegemony. Fucking Spaniard conquistadores got as much advantage from horses, Euro diseases and metallurgy like they were Donovan McNabb with Terrell Owens.

Let’s keep it on familiar ground and turn to

NFL NEWS

-QB Nick Foles signs with Indy, and reunites with Frank Reich. Congratulations to both Mento and Manatee.

-Jadeveon Clowney signs with the Pauls for a year. Seriously, CLE,

And I hope you finish 0-14-3.

WORLD CUP NEWS

Bryan Castillo / Ecuador Update:

I had mentioned some weeks ago that Chile lodged a complaint against Ecuador. The claim is that Ecuador starter Bryan Castillo is, gasp, Colombian by birth. Thus, all games in which Castillo played for Ecuador in World Cup qualifiers (4 wins and 2 draws), should be forfeited and chicanery and stuff.

Well, now it’s in the hands of FIFA, bastion of Truth and Equity, who opened a disciplinary inquiry against Ecuador on May 11. It’s still pending, but rest assured the Italians are asking to take the place of Ecuador in Qatar. Italy’s case rests on [folkloric hand gestures].

Personally, I wanna see Ecuador play in this World Cup. They were solid in South American qualifiers, where blood spilled is not a guarantee for a free kick. Besides, birtherism is soooo 2008.

Fun fact: World Cup Group A happens to have host Qatar and Ecuador. So I wouldn’t put it past FIFA to drag their feet and enable Qatar to reach the knockouts, whether by birth certificate or Covid outbreak.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS

Panthers @ Lightning – 6 PM (Tampa up 3-0)

Avalanche @ Blues – 8:30 PM (Blues down 2-1)

TOP FLIGHT FUTBOL

Lotta B action tonite. Completists go here; us elitists get one game:

Ecuador

Deportivo Cuenca hosts Orense – 7 PM

GRANDES LIGAS

Now, as always, slur-free:

Orioles (Lyle) @ Y*nk*s (Cole) – 6:05 PM

Doyers (Andesron) @ DC Expos (Adon) – 6:05 PM

Filis (Wheeler) @ Bravos (Davidson)  – 6:20 PM

Tigres (Rodríguez) @ Twines (Archer)  – 6:40 PM

Azulejos (Berríos) @ Molinas (Mikolas) – 6:45 PM

Guardianes (Plesac) @ Fokin ‘stros (García) – 7:!0 PM

WCS In-Laws *curtsies* (Greinke)  @ Serpientes (Davies) – 8:40 PM

Folks, this is also the very, very rare Zack vs. Zach matchup. Even for me, it’s momentous. Related:

https://youtu.be/Ctg5FCS1wCM

Cerveceros (Houser) @ Padres (Martínez) – 8:40 PM

Atléticos (Logue) @ Marineros (Gonzales) – 8:40 PM

Mets (Peterson) @ Gigantes (Cobb) –  8:45 PM

NBA EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

Heat @ Celtics – 7:30 PM (Mia leads 2-1)

FINALLY,

lemme cover the unmentionable issues about Ciudad México:

Crime

There are police everywhere in CDMX. It was also the first time I’ve seen roughly the same amount of men and women police officers. I never felt unsafe.

Beggars

Yes, although no multitudes like the opioid docs in Netflix that take place in the English-speaking parts of Norteamérica. People probably will ask you for money in CDMX if you eat outside. Pangs of conscience can be allayed with dispensing change croupier-style for alms, or forgoing ethical quandaries by eating indoors or in rooftops.

Sweepers

They. Were. Everywhere. Cleanest city I’ve ever been to. There was a dog park in front of my hotel and there was no shit anywhere. That’s how I always imagined a civic-minded city to work, but had yet to see it.

Drugs

Twice I smelled weed smoke. Saw no dispensaries or dealers. Do better at stereotypes, CDMX!

I did buy two pumps of Albuterol, as a walk-in at a random pharmacy without prescription, for $2.50 USD. And four doses of Toradol for $0.35 USD! Not that I needed it, it was just to spite the FDAs and Dr. Chaos of the world.

Food

Best sushi ever: CDMX

Best steak ever: CDMX

Best octopus ever: CDMX. It was grilled. Every single bite of octopus I’ve had before was, comparatively, chewy paper smelling of sea.

Best duck outside a fancy Chinese restaurant: CDMX

Best budget ramen:

I didn’t have any, but seeing them being sold at ESTADIO AZTECA DURING AN AMÉRICA GAME was the best ramen experience I’ve had so far. If we ever meet in person, I will tell you about the guide and driver who hanged with us and how he got us inside and out of the game. Say what you will about millenials, but [Nombre Omitido] is a titan of persuasion and industry.

Driving

Forget it. No way. The traffic in CDMX is eternal and drivers will throw their car at you, swerve from the third lane, change lanes while slowing down, never stop for pedestrians, tailgate to within a hair—and with no horn honking, no road rage or epithets. Handle your car like it’s the Wild West but carry yourself with the resignation of a bureaucrat. CDMX is indescribable. I leave you with the mantra / inner soundtrack I employed every time I was a passenger:

[to the tune of Zou Bisou Bisou]

Vamos a moriiiiir.

Vamos a moriir.

Vamos a morir,

A morir,

A morir,

Vamos a morir.

 It was a helpful mantra.

In short, there’s been too much cataclysmic crap lately. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, metaphorically.

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