OK folks, let’s make this quick. I just got back from Baltimore, and boy is my liver tired. Great fun meeting a bunch of heretofore imaginary people, (minus BFC), I’d never seen before. A good group of folks we have here. I look forward to meeting more of you in the future.
Inspired by certain events that may or may not have occurred at some point Saturday night, this week’s topic is ‘Heist Movies.’ Rules are it has to be a movie, (no miniseries or TV shows, but it can be a made-for-TV movie), and the main goal of the protagonist(s) has to be the obtaining of valuable through nefarious means.
/blank stares
The guy(s) you’re rooting for have to be stealin’
/wild applause.
Your commissioner is, and can only be, Pierce Brosnan. His heist movies remain available. That said, if I think ‘heist’ these days I think ‘Pierce Brosnan’ in no small part due to @briancgrubb. Well worth a follow if you’re into TV, movies, and twitter.
With the first pick, and in no small part because I know it’s gonna piss off Sharkbait, I’m taking Kelly’s Heroes with the first pick.
Did I also take it as the first pick for war movies? Yes. Is the main focus of Kelly’s plucky band of heroes the obtaining of Nazi gold, which they are then going to keep and not turn over to the rightful owners? Also yes. Kelly’s Heroes is a heist movie that takes place in a war. It’s a great movie that, in my opinion, so many people think is underrated that it actually isn’t underrated. It does need to be available for viewing more often.
The rest of you thieving bastards are on the clock,
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.
Fourth round selection: A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Bonnie and Clyde. Gangsta people.
My third pick, going old school. The Maltese Falcon.
Midnight Run. Jonathan Mardukas was worth different amounts to different people, but this was definitely a heist movie.
I’d argue that it’s more of a road movie. Nothing gets stolen during the actual film, does it?
This is one of those movies I haven’t seen and need to. I’m going to deputize RTD to make the decision here.
RTD, having been given even the slightest amount of authority (artist’s conception):
Dog Day Afternoon (1975), d. Sidney Lumet
Attica!
Wyoming
I’ll take the Clooney oceans 11 since it’s still on the board.
Gotta go run some errands, so I will take temporary leave and make this list a bit more diverse with ‘Dead Presidents’
The Killing.
Stanley Fucking Kubrick 1956.
The ending made me dislike small dogs forever.
Mrs. Cornblower has suggested ‘The Goonies’
Has she suggested a new username for herself since she rejected that honorific?
Not as yet, no.
TWINS!
I’d like to think this is a partial back-story of Frank Reynolds.
4. All right, I gotta hit the pool so this is probably it for me: Time Bandits.
Ahhh, awesome pick!
Gumby’s second pick is Heist, because he likes Gene Hackman. Try to deny that one, I dare you!
And Danny DeVito!
Denied, for no reason other than that Pierce Brosnan felt insulted.
Pierce Brosnan was a shitty James Bond.
But the fucking BEST Remington Steele.
Good thing we’re not drafting James Bond movies then, isn’t it?
But you’re not wrong. He’s no George Lazenby, that’s for sure.
Off topic, but I would go Connery-Craig-Moore-Dalton-Brosnan-Lazenby.
I was just trying to give him something to be insulted about! I agree with your Bond ranking though. But I will say, if you rank them by looking like James Bond, Brosnan is right behind Connery.
I haven’t read the books to know what Bond’s background is supposed to be, but just gut impression I’d say Brosnan and Dalton would move way up, and Craig and Connery way down.
Dalton has said he read tried to model his version more on the literary character. I’ve read a few of the books (admittedly well after seeing most of the films), and think Dalton does a good jorb of bringing the literary Bond to screen.
I was going for the sexay factor. So by that metric, for me at least, it’s Connery, Brosnan, Dalton, Craig, Moore, Lazenby.
Agree completely with that assessment.
Bound was cool as a heist movie and as a girl-meets-girl story
That’s a big picture, sorry.
– not Brett Favre
Don’t be, kept me from having to zoom in.
Oh that’s a good pick.
3rd pick: Hudson Hawk (1991)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8klbSyczKk
Gumby’s pick is Point Break.
Shit, Usual Suspects is still on the board? Guess I’ll take the Usual Suspects.
I’m amazed it took so long. It’s been sitting there in broad daylight ever since I posted that Spanish Prisoner image.
That’s because it’s ultimately not a heist movie, it’s a combination con/revenge movie.
They steal shit
Not as part of the main goal, though. The main story line, (to me anyway), is who is Keyzer Sose and what is his purpose, and his purpose is not to steal anything but to kill a whole bunch of people who have crossed him.
Uh, spoiler alert, I guess.
Die Hard With a Vengeance
Have you considered taking the Blair Witch Project?
Original was taken, not the third. Give me Zues and Simon!
Shit I’m the asshole. I read third round value as die hard 3. I should have taken it!
3. The Princess Bride. And before you say “hey, that’s not a heist movie” – I think “heist movie” is actually the best possible description of what genre it falls into. The Dread Pirate Roberts wakes up one day and says “I’m going to steal Prince Humperdink’s bride” and engages in all sorts of heist movie shenanigans (including “recruiting a crew” and several different confidence scams) to pull it off, and then rides/sails off into the sunset with the booty.
That’s absolutely a heist movie.
Good call, Commissioner Very Handsome Man! If you hadn’t allowed it, it would have been… inconceivable!
The Getaway.
Steve McQueen and Ali Macgraw version please.
Well the remake sucks out loud, so I would have assumed you meant the original.
The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SUqHnMUxz5Y/U64Rv1KkbDI/AAAAAAAAnb0/jctpnCxsqM0/s1600/the-thomas-crown-affair-1999-rene-russo-15.jpg
Rene Russo is hotter than Faye Dunaway, and that’s a hill I’ll die on.
Heat
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113277/
I assume you’re referring to Heat 2: Book of Shadows?
I thought it was Heat 2: The Heatening?
Obligatory: “Blair Witch, please meet your party at baggage claim. Blair Witch, baggage claim. Thank you.”
Nicely done.
I did not see the original choice of heat, I deserve the scorn…..
So I choose “To Live and Die in LA”, counterfeiting money is a heist from the Treasury Dept isn’t it?
Now that’s a conundrum. Ultimately I think I have to rule against you. It’s a great movie, no doubt. But the ultimate goal of our protagonists is to put the counterfeiter away, not take anything from him.
Also has one of my favorite movie lines, from William Peterson’s character when his CI, (who he’s having sex with, as one does), complains he isn’t paying her enough: “You want bread, fuck a baker.”
I understand your reasoning…sigh
If only Peterson had been as financially corrupt as he was morally bankrupt.
Second pick–Baby Driver
One of those rare modern action movies that was critically acclaimed and I liked it.
Sexy Beast with terrifying weirdo Ben Kingsley.
The opening of that movie is amazing.
I really need to see this.
Yes.
2nd selection: Three Kings (1999)
Love this movie.
I didn’t like this film nearly as much as everyone else did, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize it as a fantastic pick.
It takes a bold man to be so wrong so loudly
How am I “wrong” about not liking it that much?
Because I said so?
Get a room, fun boys.
I wouldn’t say I loved it, but I was very pleasantly surprised about how good it was given the cast, especially at the time it came out.
This is a really, really rich draft. There’s so many good picks left on the board that I’m not even going to touch cause I’m reaching for positional need.
Funny way to tell us you’re masturbating, and I’m not sure why it’s relevant, but you do you.
Literally.
2. The Spanish Prisoner
Ricky Jay should’ve been in more stuff.
“Anyway, listen…”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=leZgZGG1E1Q
Is that the scene where Nina Hartley and her male counterpart, (both from the porn world), got in trouble because they were about to, or actually did, actually start fucking each other?
There’s a special of his, I think called ‘Ricky Jay & 52 Assistants’ or something like that. He just does tricks with cards for an hour or so and it’s the most amazing thing you’ll ever see that doesn’t involve Balls’s DVR collection.
He was an interesting cat, that’s for sure.
I’ve watched it.
I’ve got a steal for you:
Die Hard.
Third. Round. Value.
This is an outstanding pick and I am jelly.
You think you like that pick, wait until you see my 3rd rounder (assuming Remington Steele lets it fly).
This is a much better third round pick than we’ll see tomorrow, that’s for sure.
Gone in Sixty Seconds (1974), d. H.B. Halicki
Cherry 2000
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092746/
Tim Thomerson as the bad guy.
Could the Blair Witch Project be considered a heist movie? The witch steals them, right? I don’t know, no one I’ve ever met has seen it.
Nice.
There are a couple of movies you could really stretch the definition of ‘heist’ for. I have one in mind for later.
I was thinking of something too then started to wonder if we pushed it too far would Maestro call it a sandwich.
Yes
Gone in 60 seconds.And while there are 2 I’ll take the newer one as I don’t think I’ve seen the older one ( SHAME ON MY HOUSE)
[brick faints]
The original (and only) Gone In Sixty Seconds (1974) is not only the best version of this film, it is the greatest car movie ever made. Written, directed, produced, distributed, exhibited, and starred in by Toby Halicki, a Carson California junk dealer and former car thief. 300 cars get destroyed and they didn’t have any permits. None of them had ever been in or made a movie. And it’s great!!!!!!
(The big-budget Hollywood remake is a sorry sorry imitation of the original)
I thought “Gone in 60 Seconds” was the title of Rick Pitino’s sextape.
I’ll take Thomas Crown Affair.
But the McQueen/Dunaway version because a) she’s hotter and b) I want to piss off the commish
I do not get “pissed off” my good sir. I get even.
Prepare your anus.
….no
Your funeral, sir.
>I get even.
As opposed to “getting odd” which is more of Buddy Cole’s realm.
Or “I get semen” which I’m told is your mom’s motto.
My mom has never been in the Navy, Rikki.
As opposed to the Navy, who have absolutely been in your mom.
Deanna Favre: “I get shorty.” Sighs.
The Hot Rock (1972), d. Peter Yates
starring the Sundance Kid, Ron Cadillac, Max Bialystock, some banjo player, and Nigel Tufnel as a cop.
Afghanistan bananastand.
Oooh, good one. Speaking of the banjo player, howsabout a little Fun With Dick and Jane?
To follow up the excellent Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels selection, I’ll take Snatch.
Also because Snatch.
I thought of that. Wasn’t sure that “following a dog around until it shits out a diamond” constituted a heist, but it’s a good movie and certainly in the spirit of the subject.
Dirty. Rotten. Scoundrels.
Tell us how you really feel about the folks that went to Baltimore.
Spike Lee’s best movie and Lindsey Graham’s favorite place, Inside Man.
The Pink Panther.
Peter Sellers version obviously because no other version actually exists.
I’ll take the original The Italian Job because those wee cars are so sqeee!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtWkewqIFDM&ab_channel=Movieclips
“Inspired by…events…”
Wait a minute…
https://abc7.com/armored-car-heist-brinks-jewelry-robbery-international-gem-show/12058073/
Avengers Endgame.
I get the money that the film made, right? That’s how this works?
No, you do not. I do, because I am the King of Heists.
I like where your head’s at, though.
Anyway, still taking it because it’s a good film.
Oh no, the pick is very valid, but Mr. Brosnan will be keeping the money.
The Asphalt Jungle (1950) d. John Huston
second greatest heist film ever made
Heat.
I’m not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed with what that cast ultimately delivered, and the ending can eat all of the dicks, but that gun battle makes up for a lot.
Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
As you were.
1. Out of Sight (1998)
You bastard.
Since I can’t do Kelly’s Heroes, I’ll take Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels please.
Oh, that’d be another great topic: Movies you like even though you can’t understand a goddamn thing those Cockney bastards are saying.
I’ll take Ocean’s 8. Funny movie, great cast and a good plot ( to me)
Dammit, that was my second pick. A heist movie I could actually watch with my wife and not have her be completely bored? Win-win.
Drugstore Cowboy, because…well, obvs
Looks over both shoulders, then leans in too close to the microphone
First pick: Logan Lucky
Excellent pick.
Is is just me, or were they setting up for a sequel at the end?
Rififi (1955) d. Jules Dassin
greatest heist film ever made
To Turner’s Classic Movies!
That is a fantastic movie, the NC Museum of Art used to have a weekly classic film showing and this movie is one of the ones we made a point of seeing.