People, it is hot here in Connecticut. We are at 91, but through some combination of atmospheric conditions and alchemy, it feels like 97. Sure, that’s laughably cool to you West Coast types, but to us pale, pasty New Englanders it is the 2nd Circle of Hell type weather. On top of that, it pretty much stopped raining several weeks ago, and now it hurts to walk barefoot across my lawn. Again, our idea of a “drought” is laughable to pretty much anyone from Colorado to the left as you look at the map, but the world revolves around the East Coast, and goddammit our whining will be heard!
That said, we need to do something to cool things off around here, and frankly the planet as a whole. Since it’s pretty clear no one in government is going to do it, I’ll have to do it through the draft. It’s the only power I have, and on this occasion I will use it for good.
Or at least to kill time during a Monday.
This week we’re drafting cool characters in entertainment. They need to be fictional, but it can be any form of media, be it stage, screen or, if you’re a real nerd, even literature. An actor portraying multiple cool roles can be drafted multiple times, but only once per role. A repeating character in a series of books, however, can only be drafted once.
The commissioner for today’s draft will also be my first pick, as I think it would be grossly unfair if I took him off the board by naming him commissioner, then took the character I had in mind for the first pick. And that’s just not cool.
Your commissioner and first pick:
It didn’t end all that well for him, (spoiler alert, I guess), but they don’t get much cooler than Luke.
The rest of you are on the clock.
William Strannix from Under Siege
Since I Blair Witch’d my first pick, here’s a cool character with a cool name
Last one, gotta make breakfast. But this is the best one!
How is Winston Wolf from Pulp Fiction still on the board?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOZB6mNqhuA
He ain’t?
Blare Which also solved the problems of being lost in the woods.
He was the 3rd or 4th pick. Go stand in the corner.
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This made me snort-laugh. It was sexay AF!
Dang it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZoCmeXgE9U
Sonny Crockett in the third round
Third pick, even if the creator’s doing her best to consign it: Charlie Weasley, second oldest of the Weasley clan. Toss-up with him and Bill, but Charlie went from probably competing for a chance to play Seeker for England, to working with dragons in Romania, including sneaking one out of Hogwarts.
& IIRC, in the book, he was actually described as “cool” when his character was first introduced.
That might’ve been Bill, actually, since Harry was expecting a carbon copy of Percy.
I’m going with Philip Marlowe from the Raymond Chandler books.
Jules’ wallet alone makes him cool
The Blair Witch agrees.
Did the Blare Which have a wallet that reads, “Bad Mother Scarer”?
Well, I’m an idiot.
He’s cool though.
This is not a charade! Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon
The Master of Disaster, Apollo Creed.
/revision/latest?cb=20181205234041
Probably should have thrown the towel in earlier in IV, but the man defined cool in ‘Rocky’
Why does the referee always get a pass?! He was in the ring with them. Once Apollo was no longer able to defend himself, that was grounds for stopping it.
You had one job, ref! One job!
The refereeing in Rocky movies has always been suspect at best.
My favorite remains The Count of Monte Fisto.
Now there’s a porn movie title if I’ve ever heard one….
Kinky.
Since the Big Lebowski seal has been broken, I’ll take Sam Elliot’s “The Stranger” and then just keep picking Sam Elliot characters for a little until I land.
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3. SID 6.7 as portrayed by Russell Crowe in Virtuosity.
Deep cut, and a damn good one.
Doc’s pick reminded me of this cool cat:
🎵He’s the top, he’s the tip
He’s the championship!
He’s the most tip-top, Top Cat!🎶
How about real people in historical films? If so, I’ll take “Abraham Lincoln” in “Lincoln”. He was able to portray a serene-like confidence that allowed people to gravitate to him.
If not, how about Abraham Lincoln in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”?
Why would you take the Lincoln in “Lincoln” when you could have had the one in “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”?
Because that movie sucked.
But surely you’d agree that an Abraham Lincoln who hunts vampires is way cooler than one who doesn’t, right?
Lincoln hunted the Confederacy.
AND
Vampires are cooler than the Confederate States of America.
::
Lincoln hunting vampires are cool
The logic adds up.
Under the rules as laid out I think you could take the Lincoln from Bill & Ted, and the Lincoln who hunts vampires, but you could not take the Lincoln from Lincoln, since that’s not based in fiction.
Fair enough, Oh Wise Commish.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S67sDHdhpio
This guy was cool!
Oops, he was cool in To Catch A Thief
Going with the Pink Panther, that is one cool cat
Definitely not Clouseau?
“Cato, you fool!”
“Ah Cato; my little yellow friend.”
Yeah, probably not getting that line past Standards & Practices today.
Ever see this? Warped my mind as a young ‘un…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y4WhR3W2Nc
Did I just steal this entire draft?
Jeff Lebowski, aka The Dude
Fuck!!! I really need to wake up earlier.
Fornication!!! I really need to see that movie.
It’d be an insult to The Dude if you did, though.
Is this… is it weekday?
I just want the draft back, it really pulled the thread together.
Since my last pick was voided,
I’ll take Remington Steele
Pam Poovey is an excellent character, a true all-timer, but she simply is not cool. At all. AT ALL.
Now, Cocaine Pam Poovey…
Second round, Captain Hilts. Think he was sorta a dick too?
I’m going to forbear the breaking out of the Blair Witch Switch because the pick could have been clearer, but Capt. Hilts is off the board.
Every other Steve McQueen character remains available.
No, looking back now and paying attention this time, I deserve to be in a tent in the woods. I kinda suck at this game.
2. Jake Manfred (as portrayed by Clive Owen) in Croupier
Pam Poovey
No. Just…no.
bit of a shame it’s fictional characters only. If not, I would totally be picking the coolest QB in history, Jim McMahon.
He was truly “up for anything”
I promise you, given our current Supreme Court, there will be *plenty* of other opportunities to do a draft of real life cool people.
Unless we’re all dead of heat stroke. Which I would not rule out.
Just gonna…walk the Earth
Surprised he lasted this long.
Stunned, even.
Sam Spade as portrayed by Humphrey Bogart
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of
Hmm. Did a search and didn’t see “The Fonz” picked yet, but hard to believe I’m not Blairing this…
You’re not, and we should all be ashamed of ourselves.
In my defense, Republicans are trying to send America back to the 1950s, and that may have caused me to subconsciously avoid picking him.
I’m wondering why progressives haven’t embraced the message of turning back the clock to the fifties – starting first with the tax code.
WORD. https://files.taxfoundation.org/legacy/docs/fed_individual_rate_history_nominal.pdf
That’s your All Time Value Pick right there
Danny Ocean from “Ocean’s Eleven”.
Excellent.
Would have made a good commissioner as well.
This brings up a fair question, and that is what we do with remakes. I am going to rule on the fly that you can take the character from each remake as a separate pick. Redshirt gets first choice as to Clooney or Sinatra.
I said “Eleven”, not “11”, so I’ll take “Clooney”. I’m not worthy enough to draft “Sinatra”.
Don’t sell yourself short, Redshirt; you’re a tremendous slouch.
George Clooney’s Danny Ocean is off the board. Frank Sinatra’s Danny Ocean remains on the board.
So can I get Danny Ocean from “Ocean’s Twelve”?
“An actor portraying multiple cool roles can be drafted multiple times, but only once per role. A repeating character in a series of books, however, can only be drafted once.”
So no, Danny Ocean is off the board as he is a repeating character, albeit in film and not booky-books.
Jason Bourne
Now Lloyd, there’s a man/spirit/psychotic hallucination who always kept his cool.
I enjoyed the homage in Passengers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49bWQ8SHi_g
You ass. I was going to take him with my next pick for just that purpose.
I liked ‘Passengers’, for the record. Fun movie. I believe I am in the minority on that.
So take him. He’s still on the board.
And I enjoyed that film as well.
Yeah, but now the element of originality is gone, and that’s just not cool.
Second pick: Also going with the Fellowship, but I’ll take Aragorn.
Legolas from Lord of the Rings.
/reaches for dictionary
OK, literally you are correct. Now let’s turn to ‘metaphorically’…
I’m technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.
Going with Phil from The Hangover. A real guy documentary there friends.
Let’s be honest, Phil was kind of a dick.
Uhmmm… Nope
1. Roach from Apocalypse Now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f96p-IhcZhQ
First pick.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs8g-uUnDg8
2nd Pick: Din Djarin, The Mandalorian
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Now there’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.
To piggyback on Horatio’s second pick: Indiana Jones
You know I had to do it.
Can we get a ruling on if Maestro can get both Blues Brothers?
-sigh-
I’d love to rule that he has to pick one, but we all know he’s just going to argue that the two of them combine to make one sandwich, and I just don’t have the energy.
Well it’s true, you know.
Jake ordered four fried chickens (and a Coke).
Elwood ordered dry white toast.
Combine those and you have the start of a pretty tasty sandwich.
I think Blues Brothers 2000 proved you can’t have one without the other.
Starting my draft off with the beagle with a million alter egos, including one with cool in the name: Snoopy.
That’s right, got the lockdown on Joe Cool.
Damn you, you took my pick! I have an image, so I win
Death Row Marv in Sin City.
I mean, “cool” is subjective, but I don’t even think Marv would say that he was ever big on keeping it cool.
Absolutely stunned he lasted this long, despite some excellent picks. This is Top-3 value in the second round:
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To be clear, I’m drafting Han Solo, not those other goobers.
Looking at my big board now that my 2nd pick is gone…
I’ll take Steve McQueen. If I’m allowed to take the human, that’s the pick. If it needs to be a specific character, pretty much anything works but for draft’s sake we can say Hilts in the Great Escape
It has to be a fictional character, (real people who are cool will likely be a draft during the next heat wave), so Hilts is off the board, all other Steve McQueen characters are available.
Call me Steve Keim trading up to get Josh Rosen but I like Porter from Payback.
That’s a deep cut, but I like it.
While there were several cool characters in the movie I’ll take Winston “The Wolf” from Pulp Fiction.
That’s an excellent pick.
[throws down clipboard]
Fletch
Lassie managed to be cool even while some dumb kid kept tagging along
James Coburn as Flint:
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1st Pick: The Man with No Name
https://youtu.be/siCNdfH9U40
(But seriously I’ll take Crash Davis)
There can only be one: James Bond
I got here first and opted to wait until you picked rather than take 007
Thank you! That’s was very nice of you
/nods at BFC
Cool.