The offseason ends this week—let’s dance wooo!
The Hall of fame Game is August 4, the Thursday after this one. By tomorrow, all NFL teams will have started their training camps. Personally, I’m getting pretty freakin’ excited about this season. My watch list:
-Everything AFC West. Sign me up for the reality show.
-Danny Dimes,
-Bengals and Ravens becoming the new PIT vs. BAL rivalry
-Truth Biscuit disappears from our lives forever
-Lions Thanksgiving game being for stakes—wait: Bills @ Loins? Hm.
-Bills becoming the 2022 waaaaay overhyped team that will crash Cleveland style a couple years ago
-the 2022 crash of the Cleveland Browns
These are just some off the toppa my head. Hey, I you don’t like it,
Via @Tribe_XX
NFL NEWS
-The Bears had bought property 30 miles from Soldier Field, maybe for a stadium, so Chicago is offering renovations and even a dome for Soldier Field. A dome for Chicago? Unthinkable, like offering a diaphragm to Mrs. Cromartie.
-The NFL announced today its new streaming service, NFL+. NFL Sum will work for streaming devices and take the place of Gamepass. It’s still not clear who will keep the “Sunday Ticket” package and the announcement made no mention of the Red Zone channel. I give this Press Release an A in Underwhelmingness.
-Kyler Murray’s contract includes a “You Better Study” provision: four hours per week of independent study, without cellphone, or the TV on, or while playing video games.
Normally, I would be aghast at an employer treating an accomplished professional athlete like he were a snot-nosed brat, but
[gets lost in judgmentalin’ dreamscape]
SPROTS TONITE
Grandes Ligas
Bravos (Fried) @ Filis (Suárez) – 6:05
Mantas (Kluber) @ tWBSs (Voth) – ^:05
Guardianes (Plesac) @ Medias Rojas (Pivetta) – 6:10
Padres (Manaea) @ Tigres (Hutchinson) – 6:10
Piratas (Brubaker) @ Ositos (Sampson) – 7:05
Angelinos (Syndegaard) @ Reales (Greinke) – 7:10
Balboas (Freeland) @ Cerveceros (Ashby) – 7:10
Los Fokin ‘Stros (Odorizzi) @ Ases (Oller) – 8:40
Gigantes (Junis) @ Culebras (Gilbert) – 8:40
Guardianes (Otto) @ Marineros (Flexen) – 9:10
Nacionales (Espino) @ Doyers (Gonsolín) – 9:10
TOP FLIGHT FUTBOL
Copa América Femenina
¡Semifinal!
Colombia HOSTS Argentina
These teams have tied their last three games against each other. The Colombian team is nicknamed Las Chicas Superpoderosas, which is how The Powerpuf Girls are called in Latinoamérica.
Incidentally, if called to foster care ONE of the Powerpfuff Girls, I would pick… Hmm.
Bubbles, what to do with Bubbles. My guess is, I’m sad to say: pretty much end up doing whatever Bubbles wants. Her over-the-top cuteness and shrill voice can wear down even the strictest of drill sergeants.
Bubbles might be best served being raised by a she-wolf, ancient Rome style.
Blossom, oh my God.
That’s chalk right there.
Blossom is self-motivated, a natural leader. She will never need a reminder to study or keep a fucking calendar—you can do it on your phone! Will Blossom designate drive you? Oh yes, even if you’re only kinda high, just for the self-satisfaction of scolding you for 36 hours straight. I became an atheist to avoid sermons, so no thanks.
Buttercup
Oh yeah. Brilliant and a handful. Mischievous and fun. Buttercup most definitely will melt her cellphone if I gave her the calendar tirade above. I would have to put up for Buttah a liability fund, instead of a trust fund. I would be on first-name basis with bail bondsmen and also fork over a lumpy sum for Buttercup’s Quinceañera—especially for the ankle GPS bracelet. It would be difficult keeping a straight face while “angrily” correcting Buttercup.
Predicción – Colombia 1 : 0 Argentina, the Powerpuff Grilss never really drift apart from each other. Even after Bubbles steals Blossom’s fiancé a month before the wedding.
Argentina
Unión Santa Fe hosts Godoy Cruz – 7:30
Vélez Sarsfield hosts Huracán – 7:30
Bolivia
Bolívar hosts Jorge Wilstermann – 6:00
Brasil
Coritiba hosts Cuiabá – 6:00 PM
Ecuador
Macará hosts Delfín – 7:00
Paraguay
Resistencia SC hosts Guaraní – 6:15
FINALLY,
I gotta share this. I’d take a right – to left diagonal easily.
By Gemma Correl. All gifs via giphy.com
Retired with the Ben.
Evening
Good night Tribbles!
Found a funny;
AUSTRALIAN JUDGE: oim hawldin yah in cawntempt faw mykin a joke of moy court
ME: (stifling laughter): oh naurrr
Buttercup is the greatest Powerpuff Girl, and I will cut a bitch who disagrees. CUT. A. BITCH!!!!
CUT. A. BITCH.
Like a FUCKING LADY
Naturally!
(runs out of the Clubhouse, screaming and crying like a bitch)
Run faster, bitch. I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me!!!
Buttercup is clearly Gumbygirl’s favorite.
She is the best!
I guess we can tell the others?
https://youtu.be/sohB922c2uQ
Mike Brown: “We want to re-sign Bates, but we need to plan for Burrow and the receivers in the next few years.”
Okay, what is going on here?! Why is Mike Brown making sense?!
Because he stopped watching that live concert Talking Heads movie?
A dome on Soldiers Field would be too Chicago for even Chicago.
I like to imagine that the Cardinals employed Eli Manning as a consultant in structuring Kyler Murray’s deal. “Tell us, Eli, if you had four full hours at your disposal, how would you spend them?” and then writing each of his answers into the contract as a restriction.
Eli wrote it in crayon and magic marker on the wall of the living room.
Argentina down to 10.
Everything’s turning up Las Chicapuffs!
Don’t forget, everyone, there’s Women’s Euro action tomorrow at noon – England vs. Sweden.
Good, I look forward to it.
Red (narrator): “I’d like to tell you that Redshirt knew what the hell Rikki was talking about, but when you only follow two sports, the offseason, well, it may as well be a prison. Sure, he had every intention of searching online to find out what it is, but we all know Redshirt has the follow through of dried up dirt, or maybe dirt mixed with clay.”
RED: …but this is no fairy-tale world…
ELI: [changes the channel]
“MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!”
GOL COCAPUFF NINAS
ROJO CARDO ARHENTINA
I was meh about my entertainment options then I was all liek – OH YEAH SAUL!!
Very interesting episode tonight. Set a lot of dominos up.
Do leaves not fall off the trees in the winter in Omaha?
I am absolutely stoked for the NFL. Maybe because it will distract me from Everton.
Remember that Hippo said this – the PrevioUsly-No-Fuck LioUns are my sleeper Wild Card team. That’s the “pot odds” play, I think.
Also, the Powerpuff Girls absolutely kicked ass.
I’m with you there. Campbell has them playing hard and believing in the process and I’m coming around to the idea that he’s a smart MF that isn’t the meathead that he plays in front of the camera. Plus, they’ve upped the level of talent on the team.
The Meathead Has Two Faces
Friend to me: Wakey, I’m getting married. I went to a fortune teller and they said I need to get married to my fiancee before the end of the lunar year. I’m thinking November, but the Mrs. doesn’t care. Also, can you be my best man?
Me: Wonderful! You bet. Just know I’m going to the world Cup and will be gone most of November and return on December 2nd. This is a life long dream and a bucket list thing, so, I’m not missing it.
He nods his head and agrees.
Today via text: Hey Wakey, I went to the fortune teller and they said the best day to get married is on the 22nd of November. Can you change your plans?
Now as I roll my eyes, I make him wait before giving a nice response that the answer is no fucking way, we already talked about this, bit if you’re having your life run by a fortune teller, then you do you.
If the Mrs doesn’t care, that settles that.
Also, a fortune fucking teller???
“I too went to a fortune teller and… heh… long story short, I slept with your fiance.”
“It was out of my control! Jupiter was aligned with Mars!”
Is he engaged to Cheryl Tunt?
It’s all so weird.
He’s NOT YOUR SUPERVISOR
“November 22nd? That’s a no go”
J. Kennedy Dallas, TX
You were a lot nicer than I would have been. My reply probably would have been “grow up, and I’ll see you after the World Cup”
Me: “Emily Blunt as Rita Vrataski in Edge of Tomorrow.”
DFO: “Easy now. Slowww downnnn. It’s over. That thread is over.”
Me: “KRISTY SWANSON IN BUFFY… Ok, Ok, I’m good. I’m good.”
It was a great draft!
Yeah, Horatio is on something of a roll.
THE BEN CRY BIG TEARS CUZ FAVE CHOCOTACO ALL GONE
SAD HARF
https://twitter.com/thetakeout/status/1551615148615340032
I’ve seen this happen over and over again in the food service industry. We can sell dozens upon dozens of cases of a certain food item but if that item doesn’t sell in the ‘Big Leagues’ (Toronto, Ottawa, Hamilton, Montreal, Vancouver, Edmonton, etc) that company will discontinue it. Fuckers.
I take it then that the Big cities love the Big Turk!
I was just gonna say WHO ARE THESE FREAKS KEEPING BIG TURK GOING?
I gravitate first to those freaks in Toronto, and if it doesn’t turn out to be them, my next blame falls squarely on the denizens of Wichita.
What’s the Canadian equivalent of Wichita?
Regina?
Moncton, New Brunswick.
Also, Bengals and Ravens will never become Steelers-Ravens.
Bengals-Browns maybe, but not Steelers-Ravens.
Burrow and Lamar! will be must-watch showdowns. Don’t b all jelly
I really don’t see that happening. I think the division will be down this year. There are no good teams. Bengals will take a step back because Bengals. The Browns will brown, as always. The Ravens are weak and the Steelers are going to be horrible to watch for neutrals as it will be defense first and hopefully get some points on offence. Think 1974.
The East and West will dominate the AFC.
I feel like the AFC South never much consideration in the discussion of which division will dominate, because there are only two NFL teams in the division plus the Jaguars.
Agreed, but it approach it if Cincy stays good. Baltimore was hurt last season and they owe them some payback for running up the score and stats.
I think it’s going to penalties and then it’s a Lotería.
That Kyler Murray contract is going to be gift the keeps on giving to anyone who doesn’t root for the Cardinals.
Coupled with the Keim and Kingsbury extensions the Cardinals are…..going to maintain their status quo of irrelevance.
Having to put into a massive contract that a player has to do one part of his job because he’s currently not really doing it?
I cannot see what could possib-leye go wrong.
That is absolutely glorious shade being thrown by Cards management. “Kyler, if you want to get paid, you’re gonna have to do your homework.”
Good Christ, imagine the intern whose job it is to skulk around and time Wee Kyler.
The language spelling out that he can’t watch TV, be on the internet, or playing video games during that time is just classic.