Monday Morning Mock Draft: Shall We Play A Game?

It’s well nigh 11:30 pm as I write this. I was just finishing off some Fortnite quests, (no, you’re a loser), when I realized that tomorrow is Monday and a) I have to start the work week again, (because I do not live in Illinois and did not win the $1.2 billion MegaMillions lottery), and b) I hadn’t bothered to do the mock draft yet, instead focusing on putting up a bat house in the backyard, watering our increasingly desperate landscaping, buying beer, procuring BBQ for dinner, and apparently fomenting a plan to writ a paragraph consisting solely of one run-on sentence after a very short one telling you all what time I came up with this nonsense.

Boy are my arms tired!

Anyhoo, while finishing the last quest I ran through some ideas. I have a couple left over from Scotchy and RTD, but running them without giving the originator more than a night’s heads up to get the first pick in seems shitty. I thought briefly of “spices”, but figured most of us would run out after “salt” and “pepper”, while Yeah Right and 2-3 others would just run train on everyone.

But if people think spices would work, let me know. I will take pepper with the first pick.

Pepper rules.

Then I realized that I was playing a video game, and that I was running this draft for a bunch of shut-in nerds, (and to quote ‘Mall Rats’ “I should know; we can smell our own”), and frankly a draft for video games is probably long overdue.

The rules are simple: If it’s a game, and it had a video component, you can choose it. Arcade, Atari, PC, whatever. It must have a video component, however. If a game is part of a series, please specify which of the series you are taking; the others remain on the table. If there are games within games, you can also take specific games while leaving the others alone; a good example of this would be the various Zombie games in the Call of Duty games.

Your Commissioner is the tough but…no, actually he’s pretty much just tough.

Quite honestly Halo’s Master Chief is probably a complete psychotic in desperate need of intervention, which he is never going to get because the Universe needs him more than he needs his sanity. I’m sure everything will be just fine. Hopefully being the featured image soothes some of that PTSD.

With the first pick I am taking the zombies game from Call of Duty, (heh, “duty”), 3, ‘Shadows of Evil.’ It had a great map, large and complicated, and was so much better to play as a group than solo that it required getting together remotely with 3 friends, or making 3 new friends when you got in a random game and realized that everyone was pretty good and you had a shot at the insanely complicated Easter egg. The story was great too, and the noir graphics I thought top notch.

With that, the rest of you are on the clock. Don’t disappoint me, nerds.

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Sharkbait

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blaxabbath

Post-fighting?

Sharkbait

Yeah, but drop passes! One Timers! EA walk across!

Brick Meathook

This reminds me of another hockey game . . .

Game Time Decision

Tetris

Sharkbait

Fantastic value pick

Gumbygirl

Donkey Kong Country. There was one mine cart level I got really good at

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blaxabbath

Great pick up!

blaxabbath

Might have been able to snag this later but, I dunno, call me Dan Snyder.

Super Mario Land (Gameboy)

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ArmedandHammered

Battletoads, you kept playing because there was that tiny bit of hope where you could get past the jet ski stage.

blaxabbath

Was that one of those unwinnable games?

Game Time Decision

-WHOPPER

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s generally regarded as the hardest video game ever. Though I found Miner 2049er to be incredibly difficult.

BeefReeferLives

Elevator Action. Such a fun but violent game.

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/Insert Ray Rice joke here.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[brings back memories of “Joust”]

Game Time Decision

Street Fighter. The arcade version, please
Spent way too much money on it back in the day

blaxabbath

Great choice.

Ken FTW.

Gumbygirl

The Oregon Trail

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WCS

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yeah right

Red. Dead. Redemption!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RED!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DEAD!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

REDEMPTION! (presumably, assuming his defense lawyer can get a Chiefs fan onto the jury)

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Gotta fill the Atari 2600 position, so I’ll go with one arguably *the* most groundbreaking game in video game history: Star Raiders

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ArmedandHammered

I spent waaaay to much time playing that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know if it’s possible for a game to advance so much beyond its contemporaries ever again. It’s like if you sent Steph Curry back in time to the first year the NBA started using the 3-point line.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
BugEyedBoo

When I started in college my choices were, “Buy an Atari 400 with the user-proof keyboard,” or “Buy a Vic-20.” Star Raiders pretty much settled that choice for me.

There was an Activision clone that was actually pretty good for the 2600.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy moly, I just realized that all these times I’ve extolled the virtues of Star Raiders I was actually talking about Starmaster!

WCS

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Syphon Filter 1 was such an overlooked gem. So much fun.

Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
ArmedandHammered

Road Rash

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Probably should have flip flopped the order of my picks but #3: Duck Hunt

https://youtu.be/7fkgjgBJKzk

Gumbygirl

That fucking dog! This is one of the few I actually played.

blaxabbath

Guess the NFL pivoting from violent crimes against women to sexual crimes against women for ’22 has allowed me to snag this big hitter in the second round.

Mike Tyson’s Punch Out

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, well done.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like we could have just done “sports video games” and still would have had a sufficient number of choices available.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
BrettFavresColonoscopy

There are other kinds of videogames?

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You misspelled “Geno”.

Gumbygirl

I’m not a gamer, but my son was, and I bought a bunch. Watched him play Mortal Kombat sooooooo many times. Flawless Victory!

Last edited 2 years ago by Gumbygirl
Gumbygirl

.

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blaxabbath

“Had a kid, huh?”

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BeefReeferLives

I wasted so many quarters on just good ol Pac Man.

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BeefReeferLives

Yeah, I’m old.

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

I spent a fair amount of quarters on Defender.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Defender, I barely know her!” – the NFL’s official policy on sexual assault

BugEyedBoo

That game was insanely hard, back when I had teenage reflexes. I tried to play it at a barcade a while back, and it was instant death.

ArmedandHammered

Grim Fandango, post death film noir

Sharkbait

For the soundtrack alone:

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Brick Meathook

ASTEROIDS

(like Pong, the arcade version only)

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yeah right

For sheer entertainment value I’ll take NHL Hitz.

Many times I had to pause the game and set down the controller because I was laughing uncontrollably.

TheRevanchist

Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic. Better storyline than the movies.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Mario Kart for the N64.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(this is probably my best value so far)

Sharkbait

Fact. Such a fantastic game

blaxabbath

Granted, I kind of dropped off gaming before Breath of the Wild — and while I did enjoy Skyward Sword, I didn’t have time to fully appreciate it.

But give me my Napster playlist on repeat; Gamecube on The Clapper; and leave me the hell alone (two decades ago). Going with The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker in the first.

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Last edited 2 years ago by blaxabbath
Sharkbait

Again, mods keeping this game fresh and playable:

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TheRevanchist

I used a mod to marry Serana. Such a mistake. Never let the crazy ones pull you in. Ysolda is still the best wife in the game.

Redshirt

Deshaun Watson got six games for assaulting over 20 women. I’ll bet you 20 Internet Dollars that if Joe Burrow gets drunk tonight and crashes his car into a stop sign, he would get at least eight.

blaxabbath

“Eh — the real crime in all this is these women saying No.”

-NFL Owners

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

gets drunk tonight and crashes his car into a stop sign, he would get at least eight.

Save yourself some words and just say “if he goes out brittreiding tonight…”

blaxabbath

“Yes….’Brittreiding’….”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“ruggsiiing” is good too but to be fair to hypothetical Joe Burrow his actions didn’t result in a young woman and her dog burning to death.

blaxabbath

I feel like a reference to such a degenerate shouldn’t flow off the tongue so easily as to be lost in conversation. Make the speaker really trip over the words to make the point of KILLING.

Gumbygirl

That is fucking disgraceful. A plague on all their houses!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Been there, done that.” – Tampa Bay locker room custodial staff

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Redshirt

Now I’m a Mega Man fan, but I have to choose only one, so this is a tough one.

Mega Man II is the obviously easy choice. Its already well-known as the best in the series. The gameplay is well done, it has the better options when it comes to weapons, its the most difficult (but not impossible if you don’t like continuing), and it has one of the best music in video game history.

The first Mega Man game also is another decent option. Set aside the hilariously bad box graphics, its very similar to Mega Man II in gameplay and difficulty. It looks like a beta-version of Mega Man II, but that’s only because it wasn’t planned on being a success. The programmers worked on it in their spare time because CAPCOM didn’t think it would be a success, and it was hardly marketed. It ended up spawning a franchise 36 years and counting.

Mega Man III is a personal choice. It similar to Mega Man II, but they were able to add some originality so it would be the same game over and over again (which the programmers nodded to in Mega Man 9’s ending (“This is where you first went wrong! Then this time! And this time! And this time! And this time! And this time! And this time! And this time! And this time!”). However it was the first NES game I defeated without using a Game Genie, plus I have to respect how they crammed so much stuff into the cartridge that the game lags if too many enemies are on the screen and they had no room for an introductory scene to fit the music they already made for it.

Jeez, I’ve gone too far. You can see how much I like this series.

Screw it, for my 2nd pick, I’m choosing Mega Man, Mega Man II and Mega Man III.

Commissioner Master Chief: “Hey, you can’t pick three games for one pick! And three games from the same series!”

Mega Man 2 (NES) Music – Boss Battle – YouTube

Equips Elec Beam. Hits Master Chief. Spams Select Button until Master Chief explodes into small colorful circles.

Mega Man 3 (NES) Music – Get New Weapon – YouTube

Gets equipped with Type-33 Needler.

blaxabbath

“Looks to be within the scope of the rules to me!”

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LemonJello

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yeah right

Super Mario 3.

I really hate those goddamn fish.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Technically it was picked but in such a confusing way that this is not a Blair Witch

Redshirt

“Such a confusing way” is how I roll.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Metroid for the orignal NES.

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Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
LemonJello

2nd Round Selection: XCOM: Enemy Within

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Last edited 2 years ago by LemonJello
blaxabbath

What’s that?

BugEyedBoo

The version for us old PC game geezers. It was harder than the newer one, right up to the point where you got psionics. Then you’d just walk in and make everybody kill each other.

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BugEyedBoo

I had a little bit of a crush on Dr. Vahlen, until I realized she’d hook your testicles to an arc welder just to see the look on your face.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What’s that game where these freaks are trying to get close to you, and touch you and shit, even you don’t want them to? Oh yeah, Space Invaders, I’ll take that one.” – DeShaun Watson

Brick Meathook

PONG

(thanks Balls!)

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Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
TheRevanchist

That was the game on my first console. It also had “tennis” and “ping pong”. Such diversity!

Gumbygirl

You could still see the shadow of it on the tv when the game was off! It felt like….THE FUTURE!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball for super nintendo

https://youtu.be/f_fzL9Gr9tQ

Sharkbait

I still play this. With mods and added user content like new campaigns, it never gets old. Plus, blasting nazis in the face is always fun

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It sure is!” – Laura Ingraham’s husband

Gumbygirl

German shepherds!

ArmedandHammered

Why would Germans need to be shepherded?

Gumbygirl

They really lost their way in the 30’s and 40’s!

ArmedandHammered

Maybe they meant German Jews.

Redshirt

Quite honestly Halo’s Master Chief is probably a complete psychotic in desperate need of intervention, which he is never going to get because the Universe needs him more than he needs his sanity”

You just described me and my family.

yeah right

God of War.

Redshirt

May as well go with the best rated NES game, and the one that help gave birth to the Super NES and a shitload of ROMs.

The Wizard (1989) final game scene (Happy 30th) – YouTube

Redshirt

CTRL+F: Super Mario Bros. 3

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. The original.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

John Madden Football for the Sega Genesis by EA Sports in case anyone is CTRL-F-ing

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Sharkbait

Fuck EA forever for ruining many a great title, but ruining the Command & Conquer series is their biggest non-sports offense.

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scotchnaut
King Hippo

Football Manager 2020 obvs

LemonJello

What are “Things Bears Management have said before the draft?” I’ll take “Potent Potables” for $600…

Sharkbait

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Excellent pick. That game took a lot of high school hours….

Sharkbait

Also tons of false accusations of screen looking.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A then Start

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m going to let Brick take Pong like BFC let me take James Bond last week.

My choice is:

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s like the old days of drafting Gronkowski in the 1st round of a fantasy draft. Very solid pick, and nobody is gonna touch another TE (2600 game) for a good long while.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
WCS

GTA V

Sharkbait

At this rate it’ll be the last GTA

LemonJello

I love all the Sid Meier’s Civilization games, but I’ll take Civ V with my first pick.

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Sharkbait

Just don’t fuck with Ghandi.

BrettFavresColonoscopy