Prem Heating Up – Saturday Open Thread

Even beyond the deliciousness of Men Untied and the Redshite entering their Up Own Rectums Derby having secured a total of 2 points from a possible 12 – the League is full of storylines, even by its own standards.  I get the sense we will have a very entertaining season of Lesser Footy.  Despite Very Disappointing Everton looking gallows-ready (pictured – coUrtesy of teh BBC – Onana aside, fuck me is that guy ever gonna be a star).

Spurs and Wolves start things off (7:30, USA), and it’s hard to know what to expect.  Spurs could easily be hungover from that emotionally-charged 2-2 Derby last Sunday.  Wolves…haven’t looked great, but they’ve been aggressive in the transfer market the last week or so.  Will they be revitalized, or unsettled?

It’s “Four on the Floor” in the 10:00 window, with the Leicester/Sham Town shitshow being the surprising broadcast option (USA).  I guess American viewers love nothing more than a bloody car crash?  Hey, I will have the TV on to take my mind off the Toffees struggling with Hippo-Predicted-20th-Position Robins Hood (Peacock).  Dok’s Praise Beesus and Litre’s Mighty Whitey provide better Derby entertainment for the neutral.  The Clubhouse demands a #ShameBet, y’all.

Sticking with Clubhouse Derbies, yeah right’s Cherries get to host the shit-hot King’s Afrikan Water Pistols for this week cotillion (12:30, NBC).  Did you enjoy the fancier verbiage?  Me too.  Rough Trade Scotty Parker will want to see a reaction after the (very predicatble) drubbing away to City of Men.  Will it help to have some consistency, going against Mini-Pep Handsome Mikel the week after?  I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Cherries HT lead, then face an incfredible storm of pressure in the final 45.

It seems like that should suffice, but NO!  We have three MOAR on Sunday.  Cromulent Leeds welcome Angry Chelski (9:00, USA), and you will see what I mean very quickly.  I’m expecting nil-3 by the half.  In which case, maybe stream Hammers/Trashbirds instead (9:00, Peacock).  Kind of bullshit this one ain’t televised, as Moyes’ men will be desperate for a result against a very good Brighton side.  This is also a Clubhouse Derby!

We close our weekend (you’ve already seen my only mention of Monday Night Footy above) with the new Blood v. Oil Derby, as Pep’s glorioUs machine enter the Bonesaws’ Casbah (11:30, USA).  Expecting full-on Hulk SMASH! from Haaland here.  You LOVE to see it.

Makes me think of this Grimes classic:

Enjoy the fixtures and the conversation.

 

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Gumbygirl

Every time I start to think I have cracked the Hippo code, I’m like

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scotchnaut

That Blackshear kid has some wheels.

2Pack

The hostess on our TV footy show is easy on the eyes.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Oh my!

scotchnaut

That Buffalo O is going to be a riot all year long. Can’t Wait!

2Pack

They are scary good

scotchnaut

So you’re saying that the Donks are going to pull away in the 2nd half?

2Pack

At this point they have a bit of pulling to do

2Pack

They had him on that last drive of the half until the penalty bug bit ’em

Cecil Rhodes

My word! Gabriel Jesus just sliced through that Bournemouth back line as though they were a rainforest in the way of a Brazilian clear cutting operation! Ruthless and inspiring!

scotchnaut

You want I should do a game intro later on or do you have something?

scotchnaut

Alright.

litre_cola

Hippo haz a happy?

ArmedandHammered

Unfortunately it won’t last, we aren’t allowed nice things.

litre_cola

Mighty Whitey just took the lead. MIIITTRRRRRROOOOO

Dunstan

I recently gave up my Netflix subscription (it’s worth it just for the emails I get pleading me to come back — I’ve never felt so wanted!), so I won’t be watching it anyway, but has anyone seen the Manti Te’o documentary?

I admit to a certain morbid curiosity about this story.

ArmedandHammered

Holy crap, Bremen scored 3 goals in the last 4 minutes to beat Dortmund 3-2.

ArmedandHammered

And all of them were in stoppage time, hahahahaha

litre_cola

Jesus Fuck. I hate football.

litre_cola

BAHAHAHAHAHA THE BEES GOT VAR’D

Cecil Rhodes

I say, I simply cannot support these Robins Hood. As someone who takes resources from the poor to enhance my own wealth, how could I possibly condone a squadron that steals from the rich to give to the poor?! Let us hope that they get stuck in Toffee today!

litre_cola

Agreed.

Sir. The Whites are dominating our pesky neighboUrs. I am sure you of all people know about troublesome neighboUrs on your conquests.

litre_cola

Huzzah BDR with a gol in the first minute!

litre_cola

Well Manor Solomon got hurt the 1st week at Fulham so they are brittle…

Cecil Rhodes

I’m sure that it’s nothing serious — it’s plausible that he just needed a few days to complete a business merger and do a little bit of stand up comedy in the evenings!

blaxabbath

One storyline I never understood in Trailer Park Boys is where JRoc and T are stealing groceries from outside the grocery store. Now this takes place years ago before app ordering and stuff. Was it common to like fill out a paper for-pickup orders in Canada groceries for a while?

Cuz otherwise I don’t get how there are just bags of groceries sitting in tubs outside the store.

blaxabbath

Lahey just called the, “parcel pickup manager”.

Game Time Decision

There used to be a few places near here where there was a giant conveyer belt to take bins of stuff right from the register to outside and then one could pull up beside the belt and put ones stuff in the car. Kind like luggage pickup at the airport.

Can’t remember ever doing it and think there may have been a charge for it as well. It always seemed like more work than just taking the cart with you, assuming that one is healthy enough to do all that pushing and lifting

Cecil Rhodes

Don’t fret, old chap. A little bit of dancing should make them feel right as rain.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wyatt Earp, the Postman, now that Yellowstone show…man, Kevin Costner really loves working outdoors.

blaxabbath

Costner saw Ashlie Babbit and decided to live everyday to the fullest/stay out of cults.

herodotus450

Soccer is the most popular sprot by participation in America (dont look up it just go with it) but the least popular by spectation. WERID.

blaxabbath

I fit that bill.

But I’m also the same way with video games.

Brick Meathook

Everybody loves doing speedwalking, but nobody watches it on TV or goes to the Vegas tournaments

WCS

Hippo, explaining HippoSPEEK to the rest of the clubhouse:

comment image

(artist’s rendering)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[catches mono] – Sam Darnold

2Pack

Until my bandwagon lads take on Man City tomorrow, I think I’ll conduct an on the spot inspection of her knickers drawer.

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WCS

I’d like to submit a motion that this gif is used as the header image for any HippoSPEEK articles going forward:

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2Pack

That or we should all be issued decoder rings.

WCS

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2Pack

When talking on the radio we had certain protocol, standard phrases that were brief and fully understood. When an incoming transmission was unclear you would say: “you are coming in broken and/or distorted”. We had a Porto Rican brother whose second language was English, heavily accented. On the radio, especially if he was in contact, he was difficult to understand. We would fuck with him and respond, “you are coming in broken and Hispanic”.

To make a long story longer… Footy comments frequently come in Hippo and distorted.

2Pack

Mike… as in Tyson

Game Time Decision

To get the full Hippo effect the caption needs to be moar confusing and have an inside joke that only Hippo and maybe a select few get

litre_cola

I get very excited when I get a text in my car.

Game Time Decision

New life goal:
Have Hippo text me whilst driving and be on a rant