Well, it’s time for a tradition unlike any other.

No, it’s not The Masters, it’s everyone’s favorite attempt to be clever and/or raunchy, the nth annual Guide to Fantasy Football names! As I just said, it’s about being witty, it’s about being potentially offensive, it’s about being so offensive that it stops being offensive and starts being funny. Basically, if you Springtime for Hitler/Aristocrats your fantasy name you’ll be fine. Also, incidentally, if you Aristocats your team name, also fine. Everybody wants to be a cat, after all.

Or of course you can take the running joke approach. Last year in the DFO tWBS Memorial League (not the actual name), at least half the league had some sort of White Claw joke in the name. (No, I was not one of them.)

The third option is of course the best political and/or pop culture joke you can muster. This normally ends up being my approach, because I don’t know what you can actually get away with on the various fantasy sports sites. Anyway, here’s what we gots, with hat tips to various others. And if you have better, post ’em. And yes, there is your normal fare of punny names and cunning linguistics. Hell, some of them would work as account names here.

Football-related
Marshawn’s Skittlebrau
BYU Cougar Hunters
Cleveland Masseuse Convention
Clipboard Bank Jesus
Study Sessions with Kyler
Little Orange(/Navy) Riding Russ
Masked Sabbaticals
Cock Commanders (because South Carolina didn’t take it)
Three Crowns One Kupp
Hasidic JuJu
Aaron Donald’s Kobudo Class
Araiza’s House Party (c/o Low Commander)
Living Here in Josh Allentown (Reverend Mayhem)
Bulagas on Parade (Reverend)
Mo Alie-Cox Mo Problems (Reverend)
3000 Years of Longwell (Reverend)
Ginny McCaskey’s Anal Plug (Reverend)
DeShaun Watson’s Unhappy Endings (Reverend)
Dan Snyder: Yachtsman (Reverend)
FedEx Field Log Flume Ride (ArmedandHammered)
Trent Green’s Croquet Club & Pony Baths (SonOfSpam)
CeeDeeCee Mask Guidelines (Sharkbait)
My Way or Haskins Highway (Dok)
Ms. Irrelevant: In Transition (Fronk)

Politics/News related
Moscow Conscripted Cannon Fodder
Roe v. Wade Phillips (taken by Sharkbait)
Lesbian Dance Theory (taken by GTD)
Baby Scrapin’ Outlaws (SonOfSpam)
Underwater Basket Weavers
Kherson Turkey Shoot
Herschel Walker’s Tree Farm
Herschel Walker’s CTE Goes to Washington (Dok)
MAL Raiders
Raiders of the Lost Docs

Pop-culture/Misc. (including DFO in-jokes)
Let Me Draft Him
QB Spy x Family
Eldia Rumblers
Blair Witches
TVA Gators
Stoma Fuckers Utd (Hippo)
Blair Witches

And of course, many, many more. The twistedness of your mind is at your disposal!

What’s for sports? (All times Eastern.)

MLB
Upper Deck BJs vs. White House BJs (OAK-WAS), 7:05
Small Bears vs. Upper Country BJs (CHC-TOR), 7:05
Brooklyn vs. Queens (LAD-NYM), 7:10 (and I root for neither!)
Playoff Drought vs. Power Outage (SEA-DET), 7:10
Rocktober vs. Choptober (COL-ATL), 7:20
Fly Ball Misadventures vs. Twinkies (BOS-MIN), 7:40
Lorde (ya ya ya) vs. Tony La Russa’s Drunken Musings (KC-CWS), 8:10
Judge vs. Ohtani (NYY-LAA), 9:38
Italian Stallions vs. Snakes (PHI-ARI), 9:40

Lil B’s shout-outs (WNBA semifinals, best of 5)
Connecticut vs. Chicago, Game 2 (CONN leads 1-0), 8:00 (ESPN2)
Storm vs. Aces, Game 2 (SEA leads 1-0), 10:00 (ESPN2)

Others
US Open 2nd round, live from the parking lot that will be Flushing Meadows because the Mets are also playing, 7:00 (ESPN)
Assorted MLS
AEW Dynamite, 8:00 (TBS)
BattleBots (rerun of Skorpios bounty?), 10:00 (TBS)