Are you ready for a great year? It’ll be kinda difficult to top last year although as a Giants fan I can see some areas for improvement. Each team is facing questions as the season opens so let’s do a wee bit of that for the intros.
To The Games!
Saints/Falcons:
Will Jameis Winston be able to cut down his interceptions again this year? In seven games last year he only threw 4! He usually runs at a 1/1.5 per game rate. It looks as though Michael Thomas is a game-timer leaning towards starting although I’m sure he’ll be on a snap count-as are all players that are composed of balsa wood. Will he make it to the end of the third quarter? Will Drake London win Offensive Rookie of the Year? After Pitts there’s nothing to the Falcons passing game.
Niners/Bears:
When will The Unloading of Jimmy G finally occur? Will Lance get pulled if his play turns out to be sloppy? Camp observers say that rocket of an arm has a barely-functioning guidance system. Will the Bears offense be watchable?
Steelers/Cincy:
Will the Steelers wait until after the bye week to run The Pickett Fence? Oh wait, that’s a Hoosiers movie reference. I’ll leave the Pickett’s Charge jokes to you Civil War fans. The Bengali’s o-line has been addressed-will it be a cohesive unit though? Experience tells me these things take a bit of time. Is Cincy’s wr corps the best in the NFL? I lean towards ‘yes’.
Eagles/Lions:
Are the Eagles going to continue their slap-happy, run-all-day ways? Will Miles Sanders ever be a real threat to cross the goal line? Dan Campbell still has the hearts and minds of his players-will this actually translate into wins though?
Pats/Fins:
Does any fantasy fella want any part of New England’s O? I vote “No!”. Will they be able to improve on their 2-7 record in Miami? What will a Mikey McDaniel’s O actually look like? Is Gesicki on the outs?
Ravens/Jets:
Will Hallmark create another sub-genre, this one being “Gently Aging Cougar-ish Women That Chase After Football Players”? My erect nipples indicate that I would watch the hell out of that. Will Flacco put Hippo to sleep mid-game? You know the answer. Outside of Bateman and Edwards, will anyone catch a damn ball?
Jags/Commies:
Is the Meyers addition by subtraction gambit gonna lead to some W’s? How many gallons of sewage water will pour onto fans this week? What will Snyder charge per gallon?
Browns/Panthers:
Are you nuts? Picking McCaffrey first overall? Just throw your draft away, why don’t you? The Browns have some fantastic pieces of talent sprinkled throughout their roster but don’t you feel that The Watson Debacle has cast a shadow over the organization?
Colts/Texans:
Will Ryan have a career-rejuvenating year or will the wheels fall off? Their is no in-between. Will my prediction of Davis Mills throwing 30 TD’s bear fruit? Botanists everywhere hold their breath.
That’s the early games. Do a thing with your digits down below.
Quadbox!
Fantasy Strats: Pick a defenses going against the Jets
Unless it’s the Twin Towers, of course.
TJ Watt, out of power.
Let’s play “dislocated shoulder or torn pectoral”
BLEERGH FEASTS
What a catch by Chase
But wait!
Lame. Still impressive though
Out by his big toe.
Chase, this isn’t college rules!
Burrow, you dumb shit-go long to Chase.
/next thread is up, btw
If I were Joe Burrow I would simply throw a long TD pass to Ja’marr Chase here.
I’ll take anyone. Chase, Mixon. I’ll take a 30-yard Tackle Eligible TD, even.
Cries of “Nawt fayuh! Nawt fayuh!” ring out across the Commonwealth.
OOAAAHHHHH PPPAAAAAHHHHHNNNN
On the one hand, Tua has made so many stupid fucking decisions this game. On the other hand, John Elway is the only* QB to go 3-0 in his first 3 starts again Belichick. HOF QB confirmed!
*Jake Plummer also did this but like the NFL, we’ll ignore facts for narrative
/Jake Plummer, hold a bottle of Jack in one hand and a golf frisbee in the other
I did what now?
Welp, I hate football again. Fantastic.
Sorry to interject Lesser Footy into your Greater Footy, but this is hilarious and well done.
https://twitter.com/FootballMissess/status/1568886506948857857
This Jags/WAS game is surprisingly watchable
monsoon in chicago
One of Carl Sanburg’s best poems.
NFL+ through a mobile emulator is turning out to be a solid choice. The emulator has a virtual GPS so I can make any game an in-market game
This is the same reaction his wife and her father had after Albert handed her divorce papers after she beat cancer.
https://twitter.com/gifs_baseball/status/1568784911070380033
aka the Newt Gingrich two-step.
To be fair the whole “in sickness” thing is like a recommendation and not a mandate
To be fair, he did wait until the “after sickness”
Do they not have a camera along the goal line? Really looked like a touchdown for the Bengals there.
It was, but, it wasn’t.
Fields calling his bookie wondering if Santos is fucking up his bet
LOL CLITERCEPTION
I thought Sudan finally outlawed that.
This was very wrong AND funny.
The Fins are absolutely Ashli Babbit-ing the Patriots right now.
I successfully swapped in the worst possible flex this morning, football has truly begun!
Devonta Smith? Or is your guy in the negatives
Pickens, the rookie on the Browns. He was at 0, although since writing this they must have let him get a catch because he has a massive 0.8 points now!
Oh, and the player I benched? 15.5
Missed extra point by Santos L. Halper
We’ve switched the Tomsulas’ defense for Folger’s crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices!
If they’re playing in Jacksonville there’s potential for confusion as to which crystals should be used publicly.
I remember many years ago that we did surveys and with all of those who answered truthfully the was a Bears house.
There are a lot of Bears fans here, it’s just that they go into hibernation by Week 5.
Did I say “hibernation”? I meant “clinical depression.”
It’s gonna be week 2 this year, after the first loss to GB
That’s our secret we’ve been clinically depressed the whole time.
I thought you meant “hypertension” which is silly cause they start the season that way.
I know there’s gonna be some pain this year, but the whole approach from the GM and coaches just feels different this time.
I haven’t felt hope in many moons.
Nice “Let’s Go, Joe!” chants from the Cincy faithful.
Wow, the Bears have somehow managed to men from San Fran. Lets see if the men from San Fran can break loose and get back on top
Watch that appendix be the source of all of Burrow’s talent.
Redshirt
Damn it.
It contained all the information he needed to be a competent QB.
Congrats to everyone that took OJ Howard in DFS.
Wow
Bears doing a good???
No, Niners doing a bad. a very, very bad.
LANCECEPTION
The Jameis Winston line. Just wow. Oops. Looks like he just padded it a bit.
APPENDECEPTION
INTERCEPTIX!
Cincy knows if Burrow dies, the team dies too?
This Trey Lance fellow might not be chosen one. His handsome backup might be seeing the field sooner than we think.
Someone call the TX ASPCA because some Colts are being abused by Texans.
Just found out Darius is now Shaquille Leonard. I completely underwhelmed by this information.
It’s only the pathetic Pats but I do like the Fins play-calling.
/Tua is not good
THIS MIAMI DEFENSE, I CALL COVID19 BECAUSE THEY ARE CHOCKING THE LIFE OUT OF PATRIOTS
“….”
— Ashlii B., currently parts unknown
I mean, it’s early and we have at least two more football threads to get through, but…BANNER THIS MAN!!!
Hey, slapdicks. Did I miss something?
The Clots are losing to something called the
TexasTexanTexariaTexansYankees game just started.
Horatio made an awesome FF move at QB this weekend.
IT WAS A MOVE MADE FOR THE JOKES!!!
“Yeah. This.” – a princess holding up a diaphagm
i havent moved in 3 hours
I’m a little alarmed that ArmedandHammered’s hallucinations are taking form in the real world.
Why can’t my Diora Baird hallucinations take form instead?
?w=584
Twitter keeps encouraging me to follow her. It’s weird. I mean, like, I’m already doing it in real life; why would I want to do it online, too?
Done
“Mine’s bigger.”
I’ll take ‘Things Never Heard In The Favre Household’ for $800, Alex.
I bet Deeanna says it all the time.
kyle shanahan
forever paying for the sins of 28-3
And the Bears are on top of San Fran
As was foretold on Grindr.
Buddy Cole:
FIELDSDOWN
Guys a defense finally got flagged for hitting Fields
Well, the Jets didn’t DUE THEIR JERB this 9/11 smh
It’s not the first time a jet came up short of its goal on 9/11
“he’s used to playing in the box” hee hee
I like the ref named “Hussy giving it to us straight” I heard earlier
My decision to throw caution to the wind and start Baker Mayfield over Josh Allen is going about as well as anyone with an ounce of common sense could have told me.
You WHAT?
It’s the first week in a non-money league. I would never do that in a league where money was to be had.
Mowed the lawn. Went to the gym. Stopped at the new burger/hot dog/fry place up the street for a great lunch in front of the TV.
Initial impression was that they were overpriced. Halfway through this hot dog my next impression is that I need to go back and get two more.
Bears OC “guys did you know we can pass to these guys lined out wide.. who knew?”