Your Early Slate of NFL Football (Week 2 Edition) Open Thread

I’m ready for more-let’s dig in.

Jets/Browns:

If Cleveland wins their home opener they’ll be 2-0 for the first time since Islamic fundamentalists tried to bomb the World Trade center for the first time. Symmetry! Those that invested a high draft pick in Breece Hall might not have been happy with his mere 12 touches. Might be a while before he dominates this timeshare, if he does.

Commies/Lions:

It was just the Jags but Wentz went for 4 TD’s last week. (accompanied by the usual 2 INTs, of course) Might Dotson be the real thing? If so, the one-two punch of he and McLaurin might provide a wee bit of hope for a certain kind of Sewage Water Sucker.

Bucs/Saints:

According to TMZ, Brady is being cock-blocked in New Orleans and at home these days, though in different ways. Tom must hate that Saints D almost as much as he despises tomatoes. (can’t help throwing a little nightshade at him)

Panthers/Giants:

CMC owners weren’t happy with the paltry number of touches their guy got last week. Don’t worry though, as the losses pile up and his job starts to slip away, Rhule will no doubt over-use him to the point of breakage. Ta Da! Speaking of, Injurious Toney (stolen) tweaked a hammy on the plane trip back from Tennessee last week. Saquon looked like his old 2018 self for the very first time last week. The Burst is back, baby!

Pats/Steelers:

Tomlin is somehow going to get the Steelers above .500 this year, isn’t he? Well, if it part of that journey includes a win over New England today, I’ll be booking a first class ticket. Keep those Bellini’s coming, good sir!

Colts/Jags:

A small part of me cheers for the Jags simply because I hate that festering wound of a human by the name of Urban Meyer. However, there’s no stopping JT today-his ypc average vs. Jack Town is a gaudy 6.8.

Fins/Raven:

I do like the way new coach MacDonald carries himself and I do like the play-calling that was done last week against the Pats. Seems like Waddle has been replaced as The Target Monster by Tyreek, targets being 12-5 and all. Though I would think that it somewhat evens out  as the season progresses. Say a prayer for Gesicki’s fantasy relevance-he just isn’t a good fit in this offense.

Apparently there’s an in-house Derby in soccerland going down this morning. Enjoy.

 

 

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King Hippo

Dakota Jeebus safety dance? YA!

Fronkenshteen

Detroit offense is gashing the commie D. Having trouble finishing drives though. There’s dick jokes in there but its probably not worth the trip.

clint greasewood

Lions stalled in the redzone like a Ford Malibu on I-75

King Hippo

Pats D against Bollo del Verdad, my only good play of the week

Fronkenshteen

I took the Stillers & the 3 at home. Seemed smart at the time…

Fronkenshteen
BugEyedBoo

Saw a commercial for LiquidIV. It’s got ‘lectrolytes in it!

Doktor Zymm

So last week I had success watching games via an emulator with NFL+. This week, watching on my actual phone, the app seems to think I am not on a phone and refuses to play local games. I still get the national game, but nothing else.

Moral of this story: Rip off the NFL however you can, because being dishonest is so ingrained in their culture that it’s the only way shit actually works

Horatio Cornblower

https://twitter.com/brandonleuschel/status/1571530270721077248

I’m just gonna say it: we need more drone strike on NFL tailgate parties.

Doktor Zymm

Ew. Yet another reason to never go to Cleveland.

Horatio Cornblower

Me, relaxing for a few moments before having to get cleaned and dressed up

stranger, knocking on my front door: “Hi, do you know anything about these cows in the road? I don’t want anyone to hit them.”

Me: “Yeah, they’re my asshole neighbors and they’ve been on the loose for 6 days now. I will pay you $100 per animal you hit, then represent you for free when you sue him.”

WCS

You get to use the Andy Reid Defense, and lots of free ground chuck!

Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
Doktor Zymm

May I suggest some add-ons for your next automotive purchase?
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WCS

Ref for Yinzers-Pats is a land shark.

/taps earpiece

I’m sorry. “Land Clark.” The referee is “Land Clark.”

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Doktor Zymm

Clarknado!

King Hippo

yeah, Balls is deflowering me roughly in Vodka league. OY

King Hippo

I would pay to see this.

clint greasewood

Mike McCarty looks like he could stack some bones as well.

King Hippo

Dimebag is who we thought he was. But I guess he at least no FUMBRE

WCS
Horatio Cornblower

It’s always so nice to take a few moments and just bask in the glory of Trubisky running majestically through the defense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzRE2rUw3cc

Gumbygirl

My favorite sports quote of all time was when someone said Bernie Kosar ran “like a giraffe on Quaaludes.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If CBS was going to broadcast shitty football the least they could have done was put on CLE-NYJ. At least that would be amusing. This is just dull.

King Hippo

bi-curious #ThePauls swinging back towards Chubb this week. DAMN YEW says the KHunt owner

King Hippo

Even with those killer WRs, Tua is just a wet bag of shit

Horatio Cornblower

Got the yard mowed and an AC out and cleaned for storage for next year, with a good 15 minutes to watch sportsball before having to get out of here.

I am moving with the sort of efficiency Mrs. Dr. Deadly Esq. (ret.) is going to demand of Rikki about 8 minutes into the 4th quarter of the early games.

King Hippo

Pop a pill every time Los Gigantes do a good!

King Hippo

when ah say WHITE, u say MAC!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is Freiermuth a German name? If so, you’d think he’d avoid wearing the number 88.

King Hippo

perhaps he’s Austriian instead?

King Hippo

Chuba can has boo-boo

Mr. Ayo

LOLfins

King Hippo

they’s suffocating on the beach this week

Brocky

To follow up on my joke from Thursday night:

If a QB someone completed a 99 yard touchdown pass to himself, would that be the most fantays points one could get as an individual on a single play? I’m not counting bonuses for going over a certain amount of yards in a game, just 1 play

King Hippo

Money league opponent left Dobbins in his lineup WOO!!

/hoping he forgets to sub out Kittle too

//watch him beat me 7 on 9

Doktor Zymm

Oh that’s annoying. “The never been beaten in history Washington Commanders”
If only a name change wiped away history there would be a lot of people headed to the courthouse. Or moving to Scotland where you don’t have to do anything other than start calling yourself something different to legally change your name

King Hippo

if the commies go 2-0, y’all might get an Uncle Joe pic in the morn!

King Hippo

pre-kick pee time, HAIL REDZONE

King Hippo

fed the cat, back at 0:08!

Col. Duke LaCross

Cue triumphant Redzone music!

Doktor Zymm

The traditional strip tease of mourning?

Dunstan

If you’re a monarcho-necrophiliac, you’ve waited a long time for this moment.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME VACUUMING?

King Hippo

Right before kickoff, LOVE THE PASSIVE AGGRESSION HUSTLE!

Spur

Cowboys dont play until 1:30

Doktor Zymm
Col. Duke LaCross

This state is fucking embarrassing. This is actually in my district. Even though she’s a Utah R, I think she’s gonna get waxed. This is fucking cringe.

BC Dick

That’s fantastic. She got more rhymes than a Target’s got moms.

King Hippo

mmmmmm, yoga pant-wearing Target moms

Gumbygirl

I’m going to cook my pot roast for 9 hours instead of 8, because I am a rebel!

Doktor Zymm

You roast that pot or pot that roast however you want!

King Hippo
2Pack

I too lead a reckless life. 3 minute egg? Try 4 pal…

BC Dick

Whoa. Don’t chicken out at 8 and a half. Push that limit!

Spur

Morning Lizard People
Sure is nice to get back to a regular Football Sunday pattern again.

2Pack

I am going to miss the early games this week, have to pick up my kid at the Verona airport. Late games are past my bedtime over here so let me know what happens. I will keep my eyes pealed for Juliet.

220px-Juliet_-_Philip_H._Calderon.jpg
2Pack

Or one of the current family members

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King Hippo

Mama mia!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BRETT: Fetch me my longsword…

DEANNA: [snickers]

Doktor Zymm

Her parents hired a really bad au pair

Don T

It’s a tad windy down here. But the emergency plan is working great. The FF lineups were checked and the power generator will debut around 3:30 PM, to catch Red Zone when it starts to get intense.
Let’s see, 12 M, time for… Bake and nap!
Will do.

Last edited 2 years ago by Don T
2Pack

Stay safe

Don T

HQ is on the yella part surrounded by green. Like Dustin Hoffman said in Wag the Dog, “This is nothinG”
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Gumbygirl

Who is this bitch?

Spur

Or dick.
damn Libtards!

Don T

Fiona

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[Edited for DFO]
[Via my cousin, which = full frontal + shit grammar]

Spur

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yeah right

Odd game day since my team doesn’t play until tomorrow. I can accomplish many errands, make my weekly vegan soup AND enjoy the games as a random fan.

Sounds like fun.

Doktor Zymm

I will be around for the early games and maybe the night game. During the late games I will be getting joint b-day dinner for my mother and me with my parents at the Inn at Little Washington, which should be fantastic. They have a farm with all the cute little tasty critters to eat right next door!

Game Time Decision

Happy birthday

Doktor Zymm

Thanks!

Gumbygirl

Woooo, another September baby!

yellow-octopus-happy-birthday-meme12.jpg
Don T

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Gumbygirl

Is that a birthday mofongo? Awesome!

Doktor Zymm

That looks amazing

2Pack

Buon compleanno!

WCS

Congrats on your latest lap around Sol.

Doktor Zymm

It may not be the best strategy, but it is very satisfying benching Brady for Wentz of all people. I imagine myself wearing a hoodie and yelling at him to “Sit your Himalyan pink salty ass down and do some kegels, cause you ain’t playing today!”

blaxabbath

Not to sound cynical but all this public Tom/Gisele bs reeks of a long setup for, “…and coming this Thursday after the Suoer Bowl is the world premiere of ‘Tom and Gisele: A Reality Corporation”‘c

King Hippo

He absolutely just wants people talking about him. Bitchy little diva motherfucker.

blaxabbath

En route to Bora Bora, I have like a 13 hour weekday layover at LAX waiting for my red eye on Tahiti Air. Wife is turning 40 for the trip but I’m just a couple months behind and am surely NOT getting the celebration she is.

As a great writer — which you all already know — I’d like to secure myself a top shelf writing instrument; namely, a pen. I assume LA has awesome independent pen stores. Which should I hit?

yeah right

Hudson news. I was just there yesterday and they satisfied all of my stationary desires.

yeah right

A “Boots on the Ground” if you will.

Don T

Promotional pen. Yoink!

King Hippo

Times like this, I wish I smoked.

Fronkenshteen

Well, you smoked Rum Ham. We’re getting fucking relegated for sure, and it sucks.

blaxabbath

Can’t freebase something?

Doktor Zymm

You could fake smoke some candy cigarettes like we did as kids, and light them with pez dispensers, as you do

Gumbygirl

You have to make a hole for the candy cig in your wax lips first. Then you are glamorous AF!

Horatio Cornblower

This seems like someone should have put more thought into it:

https://twitter.com/Lowkey0nline/status/1571488009970716673

Horatio Cornblower

I will be away from the football this afternoon as I, (and I am not kidding), attending a ceremony in which my best friend is being installed as the permanent minister for his congregation.

Am I proud of him and all he’s accomplished? Yes. Am I also trying to figure out a way to work ‘Inshallah it shall be done’ somewhere into my remarks? Also yes.

Also I’m missing the Cowboys game, which if we’re being honest is probably a blessing in and of itself.

Doktor Zymm

That’s the great thing about Inshallah, you can use it anywhere!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, not in the city of Shallah. They have a very poor sense of humor about that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you’re bored waiting for football to start, go enjoy the responses to this VF profile of Democratic consultant Lis Smith.

The dog one is probably my favorite but many others are equally good.

https://mobile.twitter.com/joehagansays/status/1571174884826300418

Cecil Rhodes

My word! Should Trestman secure a coaching job, do you think that Jerry Sandusky would be interested in becoming the team’s technical director?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What the fuck, CBS?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, sorry. The red is the Cincinnati-Dallas game, the blue is the Vegas-Arizona game.

blaxabbath

Red is obviously Cowboys and Blue is Cardinal [Red]s.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, looking forward to another day of idly watching the games until they reach the fourth quarter at which point the Dr. Mrs. will think of some urgent chore that she needs me to do immediately.

King Hippo

oh yeah, that is familiar (despite my being divorced like 13-14 years now)

Horatio Cornblower

Here’s a phrase that’s worked for me: “Yes, later.”

blaxabbath

“Oh but you’d do it so much better….”

Doktor Zymm

“I need to let them soak”
“But they just dried!”
“In air, they need to soak in air first”

ballsofsteelandfury

Here I am taking an Old Man shit while it’s still dark and I notice the Arsenal game is already OVER.

Fuck, it’s early!

Cecil Rhodes

It doesn’t surprise me one bit, my ball-coveting colleague! The King’s Finest do their best work at or just before dawn — just ask the French Canadian generals involved in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham in 1759! A truly decisive British triumph, that was!

Last edited 2 years ago by Cecil Rhodes
Horatio Cornblower

This is an outstanding comment.

King Hippo

I just saw that Herm lost to Eastern Fookin’ Michigan last night. Good God, that’s funny.

Great previews as always, scotchy!

King Hippo

Kaylyn slays them all. Tidy on the ball, too. PHRASING

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