Your Five(!) Game Afternoon Slate of NFL Football Open Thread

Heavens be! It’s nice to have a choice in America these days, isn’t it? (I’ve said too much)

To The Games!

Falcons/Rams:

If Stafford and Co. don’t bounce back in a big way vs Atlanta the football (as opposed to pearl) clutchers will be out in full force. But they’ve too much talent for that to happen, right? I really can’t see the Falcons doing anything more than rolling over and exposing their big, fat, white bellies though.

Seahawks/Niners:

Seattle is 1-0, that oughtta melt your steel beams for sure. We’ll actually get to see what sort of team San Fran actually is-that game in the slop last week was an indicator of nothing. They’ll not be at full strength yet because The Brittle One is still out.

Bengals/Cowboys:

Them durn Jones Boys (courtesy of their own incompetence) have sponsored a limited run of the Hanging With Mr. Cooper show! I’m actually curious to see how each of these teams deal with last week’s unfortunate events. The guess here is that Cincy gets the W because the Cowboys O will be out of sorts, having to adjust to Rush’s limitations.

Texans/Broncos:

Here’s hoping that Hackett hired an End Game Strategery Coach first thing last Monday morning. Coaching not to lose is what it felt and looked like to me. Houston isn’t expected to win much but last week they found that sweet spot in that they didn’t lose. It’s a start.

Cards/Raiders:

What to make of these two teams after last week? Not much. Both squadoos have tons of talent on both sides of the ball but couldn’t get it together. Try to figure this out-Arizona has lost 6 of their last seven games and yet is 12-5 on the road over the last two seasons. Davante was targeted 17 times last week, nice knowing ya, Cards cb’s.

Push some buttons.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

STAFFORCEPTION!

King Hippo

Did anyone else see the shit-eating grin on Janeane’s face when she re-took the reins?

Redshirt

If I didn’t know any better, I think the game plan against the Bengals is “Where is Eli Apple?”

King Hippo

RUN A SNEAK DAMN IT

Redshirt

Joe Burrow is looking for the next migrant bus headed for 1 Observatory Circle NW.

Redshirt

At this point, I’m just riffing on the Bengals. You guys are Tom Servo and Crow.

WCS

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King Hippo

RO-BOT-ROLL-CALL!

Gatoraids

Let Russ cook TV dinners for Tom Brady when its her weekend with the kids

Mr. Ayo
King Hippo

RUSS WILL PRAY 4 HIM

clint greasewood

Joe Burrow looks like he is could breakdown and cry at any moment.

Redshirt
WCS

Wouldn’t you?

Gatoraids

this will be Burrow in multiple ways by end of the season

grownmencry.jpg
Redshirt

Well, Drew Sample is dead. That can’t not help Joe Burrow’s health.

WCS

This is what happens when you don’t play to win the game.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know what’s more shocking, that this is happening or that it showed up in my Twitter feed unrelated to one of you guys liking it:

https://twitter.com/iarentspartacus/status/1571124052059881480?t=S6fjToOjPWnqcdRum_eXww&s=19

Redshirt

Hm, that’s odd. I just turned on the CIN-DAL game but it looks like a game from 1993. Look at David Klingler running for his life behind no protection up front. Too bad that ruined his career.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Will Joe Burrow survive the season? Let’s ask Ash.

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Spur

How does Cincy let Burrow have a shitty line to protect him? Dallas pass rush is NOT this good.

King Hippo

Qards might be the worst squadron in the League

King Hippo

RedZone not showing much, but OL looks problematic to me.

Mr. Ayo

Moar like Russell Washed.

King Hippo

RUSS WILL PRAY 4 U

King Hippo

Tomsulas GRITDOWN

Fronkenshteen

Just lit a joint. Which rolling paper smells the best? I’m partial to Top.

Gumbygirl

I dunno, but I can definitively state that Old Pal papers suck donkey dicks.

Mr. Ayo

What a shitshow. HOX have a hangover from last week.

King Hippo

Damn it, where were THESE Truthers on Monday??

LemonJello

Did somebody tell the CowPersons D that Cinci’s players have cocaine in their pockets?

Mr. Ayo

WTF was that? JFC.

King Hippo

They said was Deejay Dallas’ first career passing attempt. I will boldly bet that it’s his last, too.

Gatoraids

picnic party

King Hippo

In-ter-CEPT!!!!!

Gumbygirl

Oh Fatthew

King Hippo

Quite the wet fart there, wasn’t it?

Fronkenshteen

Jesus. Zeke looks ready for dancing with the fucking stars.

King Hippo

Is the dressing room paint leaded?

King Hippo

I’mma join Spirit Animal, just lather, rinse, and repeat with pills. Until I forgets Monday is looming.

King Hippo

BLEERGH giveth and taketh away (in Santa Clara)

Mr. Ayo

DK!!!

Fronkenshteen

I know I’m given to hyperbole, but is there any more doubt that that Tony Pollard is the lead back for the Dallas Cowboys, and Ezekiel Elliot is just another of Jerry Jones’ follies?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just got off the phone with my brother who is a huge Jets fan and I was so happy for him that I didn’t even point out how he feels right now is the same way I felt when this happened:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7r8ciTg7ceM

Dunstan

Too soon.

Spur

Mariota slipping on banana peels and still makes the pass

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I assume the peels are leftover from the cakes made during the earlier slate of games?

The Maestro

Been a while since I’ve seen Lovie Smith’s impressive beard.

God, the Bears fucked him good. 10-6 and you get canned? Fuck.

WCS

NFC North is known for its vast collection of head coaching prowess through its history.

King Hippo

He went #FullHobo his last years with Illinois.

WCS

The AFC North will finish in a four-way-tie for first, with each team 8-8-1.

King Hippo

7-8-2

King Hippo

JANEANE!!! I’m with HER!!!!!

WCS

If he’s got a Burger King, he’s fine.

King Hippo

took me awhile to get it, but WELL DONE

King Hippo

SHOW MOAR OF MY TERRIBLE GAME, DAMNIT!

King Hippo

Get IN Cort WOO!!!!!!!!!!!

King Hippo

(oy)

Mr. Ayo

In. Com. Plete.

King Hippo

Has anyone told you lately that you are Bastard Man??

Spur

Sideline camera guy got blasted. Right in the beak.

King Hippo

Take another pill, clear your throat, and they should skip to next song

WCS

FREE BIRD

King Hippo

/waves cigarette lighter

WCS

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LemonJello

Let me know if/when they perform Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl).

Fronkenshteen

Don T wellness check?

Spur
King Hippo

He’s getting the island’s tarp out of the shed. Probably be back around soon.

King Hippo

Again, dunno why I discount the Superb Owl Hangover every goddamned year, when it happens every single time.

Spur

Wow, giving the ball to CeeDee in space this week. Am not worried am sure that tactic wont last long.

Mr. Ayo

Dammit HOX, you were supposed to maim the opposing QB last week.

King Hippo

#ProtectedByChrist

Spur

Damn that sucks for Trey Lance.

King Hippo

Janeane is warming!!

King Hippo

looks like Lance, he die. Brick might have to hook him up with his robot foot guy.

King Hippo

was he instructed to go down? I’d be surprised if so.

LemonJello

Sometimes its hard to get a Chubb to go down, and then it gets awkward.

Fronkenshteen

Took the Dirty birds +10.5, Hox +8.5, Dallas+7, .500s +10.5, and Qards +5.5 and mashed them into a big stupid parlay. And we’re getting takeout, I already mowed the lawn, and all I have left to do tonight is fold five mountains of laundry. Aaaaaaaand the commies are vanquished. Suck it, Snyder.

Spur

HOLY SHIT Jets
the Browns deserved that meltdown

ballsofsteelandfury

And with that, the AFC North is 0-3 this week against the AFC East.

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