Well that was a wild NFL week, wasn’t it? I even had to learn some new HippoSpeak to process our beloved Thing He Sent Us.

The biggest “news” today is that Cole Beasley, anti-vaxx hero and utter dumbshit, is apparently taking his ‘talents’ to…uh…Not South Beach.  Typhoid Beasley will head to Tampa Bay’s practice squad.  This is the event that microbiologists and millenarian preachers have been warning us of for years: Beasley’s SuperCovid combining with the locker-room MRSA colony that gained sentience in 2013.  One drop of Alex Guerrero’s TB12 Special ‘roids, and we are all doomed. DOOOOOOOMED!

Because my brain has turned to tapioca, I have chosen to adopt one of the Take-Industrial Complex’s favored forms: WHAT ARE THE BIG SURPRISES SO FAR?

Giant Surprise: Dane Jackson still being among the living.  During last night’s belated preseason game against DonT’s Spectacular Tits, the Bills’ temporary #1 Corner had his head and neck bent back on a gang tackle at an angle no head or neck should go.  It was one of those legit-scary moments in football, with an ambulance on the field and everything.  Yes, he had some motion in his extremities, but Bills fans still remember Kevin Everett and how close he came to buying the entire farm in 2007 on that same field.  Fortunately, Jackson not only is not paralyzed- he was able to walk (walk!) out of the hospital less than 24 hours later.

No Surprise: Mitch Trubisky reverted to being Mitch Trubisky.  Yes, the Steelers are 1-1 with him at the helm, but he’s got 362 yards passing with a completion rating of 59.2%, two touchdowns and one interception. That’s not for one game- that’s both games combined.  He’s also 2-8 on throws over 20 yards.  No one expected Mitch to be Ben, so his decision to model himself on 2021 Noodle Arm Roethlisberger is curious.

Giant Surprise: The Giants! By the skin of their proverbial teeth, the Giants are 2-0.  Yes, Daniel Jones still pretty much sucks and Saquan probably can’t carry the team on his gigantic thighs the whole season. Yes, the victories came against a questionable Tits team and whatever the fuck Carolina is trotting out on the field these days.  But given how poorly they’ve played in past years against even weak opposition, this represents Progress.  Just enough progress to put them out of reach for a good QB in the draft, most likely. HAHA.

No Surprise: Darius Slay making the Lions look like chumps for getting rid of him.  Philly put on a good show last night, getting two picks from Slay.  Detroit also got two picks from Slay: a third and a fifth, which turned into an average guard and a WR5.  Bang-up job, Lions. Your Rex Ryan Impersonator head coach will thank you for it when he lands a lucrative TV job in 2 years.

Giant Surprise: Jimmy Haslam didn’t sign the fan who threw a bottle at him Sunday to a contract.  The fact that he hit Haslam in stride, on the fly and with some velocity puts him in the top 5% of Browns passers since their resurrection.  Yes, the fan has been charged with assault, but when has that bothered Haslam?

No Surprise: Joe Thomas and Dwight Freeney lead the list of first-year-eligible Hall of Fame candidates.  Both should be a shoe-in, though I think Freeney might wait a year or three.  Darrelle Revis and Chris Johnson are also in the pool, but (puts on Old White Guy Suspenders) I don’t think either of them is a Hall of Famer.  Both were very good for relatively short periods– Johnson had one transcendent 2000 yard season and then petered out, while Revis coasted on his reputation for more than half his career.  Still: Revis Island and Cop Speed remain Hall of Nickname honorees.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT?

Baseball. More baseball.