Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Another Mandatory Viewing Party has come and gone. A warning-attendance was taken and there will be real-world consequences for those that didn’t show/were tardy.

Newsy Notes:

-Matt Rhule stars as Matt Rhule in “Skool Rulez!”. It’s the story of a failed NFL coach that goes back to college because he couldn’t ‘Hackett’ (I’m laughing my drunk ass off right now) in the Big Leagues. Did you know that while resurrecting Baylor he didn’t have a single win against a ranked team? Talk about a paper-thin CV.

-Very happy for Brian Robinson-that car-jacking could have gone so badly. It’s a bit odd to call a guy ‘lucky’ but here we are in 2022.

-A fraud record-free analysis of the NFC East would tell you that the division is the best in the league at the moment. The eyeball test would tell you that Philly is head and shoulders above the two teams that are just one game behind them in the standings but I believe the Sino hate-rist himself, Bill Parcells who said, ‘You are what your record says you are’.

-Giants Thoughts? I Have a Few: They’re at 4-1 and have teams like the Jags, Texans, CommiesX2, Detroit and Indy coming up on the sked. That’s right, 10 wins is a possibility. Sure, they’ve had two [makes finger quotes] unlikely wins but if they get one more those oddball, lucky W’s change into something else entirely.

To The Game!

Raiders/Chiefs:

Reports of my Death Were Premature: Jacobs-who many thought was going to be replaced by Zamir White-ran for a career-best 144 last week. C’mon, the Raiders were always going to run him into the ground before letting him go at the end of the season.

-How Did I Get Here?: K.C. has the best rush defense in the league. They leap-frogged a bunch of teams by limiting the Bucs to 3 yards on 6 carries. Brady threw the ball 52 times for naught. Tom, you’re not 42 any more.

-The Chiefs have won 8 of the last 9 tilts between these squadoos.

-Don’t be surprised if Vegas scores on their opening drive-they’re the only team to do it every week so far.

-On The Other Hand: The Raiders are 4th-worst in converting red zone opportunities and also 4th worst in allowing teams to score in the red zone. That’s a harsh yet wonderfully symmetrical pair of stats.

Get ‘er going in the comments.

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Horatio Cornblower

These refs are determined not leave Kansas City alive.

Weird hill to die on, considering there are no hills in Kansas.

Brick Meathook

That Geico commercial was so fake.

Dunstan

It did fail to meet the realism of their previous commercials with the talking gecko lizard or the cavemen who exist alongside homo sapiens.

JimU

Go for it Andy!

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll take “Slogans At Country Buffet” for $1200, Alex.

TheRevanchist

KC’s defense has score me negative 2 points and sealed me another loss in a league where I have the highest point total.

Brocky

Been there man. It’s the worst

Brocky

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TheRevanchist

Gotta clean it out once in a while or it will definitely come back to haunt you.

Horatio Cornblower

“It’s Rape Stove, the stove that rapes people!”

-Patton Oswalt

The Maestro

Davante Adams is a bad, bad man.

Brocky

I’m so glad he’s out of green bay

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can we get a Raiders Josh McDaniel Went For Two banner Photoshop?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know if he’s in but that line judge did not have the angle to see when he started ruling short.

Horatio Cornblower

He didn’t care, either. That was getting called short unless Jacobs walked untouched into the end zone, and then it was getting called holding.

Don T

This 2 point attempt brought to you by testosterone.

Brocky

So apparently Heidi Klum has a daughter

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Don T

Holy f

Horatio Cornblower

That was a hell of a pass and catch.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Will the Raiders have to go for two to tie here? No, because Andy Reid decided not to take the 1 ok Kelce’s 4th TD.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well now wtf

Brocky

I am so fucking confused right now

Horatio Cornblower

https://twitter.com/MicahhParsons11/status/1579647189630218248

I’m sure this won’t have any ramifications for Micah in next week’s game.

Gumbygirl

WWNFL. It’s fucking Wrestlemania. I’m done for the evening. Later, my taters!

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Brocky

Guys…. I don’t want to Jinx myself but…..

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Maybe cover the TE there Raidres

Horatio Cornblower

“How often is Travis Kelce gonna hurt you though, really?”

-Josh McDaniels, studying film.

The Maestro

Travis Kelce is gonna make me commit seppuku and/or conjure a Prospero-style tempest to curse Don T in Puerto Rico.

Horatio Cornblower

Like Puerto Rico would even notice at this point. “Oh, it’s raining again”, but in Espanol.

Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t understand going for two there.

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Makes it a 2 score game

Horatio Cornblower

Would’ve been 8 with a PAT

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yes I think that’s dumber than making your opponent have to go for a two point conversion just to tie you.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re not alone

Gumbygirl

Gave the refs another chance to fuck them. I would have kicked.

Don T

This league is for money, right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The NFL?

Brocky

The referees?

Brocky

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Horatio Cornblower

I’ll bet I cover her with sticky stuff first.

(Management wishes to advise the public that they regret this post and that Horatio has been spoken to about the tone of his comments.)

Brocky

One of my favorite cinemax films

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Last edited 3 years ago by Brocky
Horatio Cornblower

I miss Skinemax. Just hilariously bad soft-core porn.

Horatio Cornblower

Of course the Raiders were called for a penalty on a missed KC field goal. Of course they were.

/Dismissive wanking motion until I become the first medical recorded death by carpal tunnel.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In Australian football, the announcers would have already called bullshit on that holding call.

LemonJello

Is today the Feast of Bleergh?

Horatio Cornblower

It’s the feast of something, all right.

clint greasewood

“That’s how you smash into a Carr”

-Britt Reid

Brocky

BANNER!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Seconded

Horatio Cornblower

Harris could have picked up Carr there and spiked him down on his helmet and the refs wouldn’t have called shit.

LemonJello

Josh Jacobs would also like it to be known that he, too, is a full-grown goddammed man.

Horatio Cornblower

I am going to roll three straight natural 20’s and I am going to dominate this dungeon!

https://twitter.com/PrescottRossi/status/1579656739762630657

LemonJello

Just for my own knowledge, are these “two teams that just don’t like each other?”

WCS

Derek Carr and Devonte Adams played together in college.

Don T

Lamar Hunt never forgave Al Davis for mowing Hunt’s lawn.

Dunstan

Usually men appreciate a well-trimmed hunt.

(touches earpierce)

Hang on, being told I misunderstood….

Horatio Cornblower

I believe that the Raiders have had three personal fouls called on them since that roughing the passer call.

I am now far more invested in how bad the officiating can get than I am in anything happening in the game.

The Maestro

FUCK YOU TRAVIS KELCE YOU ARE RUINING THIS FANTASY MATCHUP

Don T

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Brocky

……….

Not gonna jinx myself

LemonJello

Travis Kelce is a full-grown goddammed man out there.

Dunstan

I bet a Manningcast would have been interesting tonight.

Don T

Tonight’s guests: Geno Smith, Bill Cowher, and Louis Farrakhan.

Dunstan

Can’t wait til he retires and we get the Belichekcast.

“(grumble grumble) that’s a fucking dumb play call. Oh. Guess I should go to our guest with a question. Is your mother seeing anyone?”

Don T

-She’s in hospice care, Bill.

-Catheter?

WCS

May have a pitch invasion this keeps going.

Horatio Cornblower

Fortunately the “Josh McDaniels Is An Unbelievable Dipshit” protocol has been unlocked, so the Chiefs will win and the crowd sated.

Tomorrow the NFL will announce that the crew made the correct call after all, no harm was done, and we’ll all be back for more Sunday.

Horatio Cornblower

That call “There is no foul on the play” was the most terrified I’ve heard a referee. His voice caught like three times before he got it out.

If there’s a prop bet on how many penalties the Raiders will get in the second half I would strongly urge taking the over.

SonOfSpam

lol ref was like “no foul for blocking in the back” like he was scared which he definitely is

Horatio Cornblower

The Raiders are going to pay for that BS roughing the passer call with an absolute Bleergh blizzard in the second half.

Brocky

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LemonJello

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TheRevanchist

Doink, but good!

Horatio Cornblower

Very excited to announce that, per UPS, I will be getting a Leroy Selmon Bucco Bruce jersey some time tomorrow.

Horatio Cornblower
clint greasewood

I take it they still call it Columbus Day in KC and not Indigenous Day.

Horatio Cornblower

Bold of you to think they’d celebrate Italians.

Gumbygirl

It’s Chef Boyardee Day there.

Brocky

see My dad skimming the dvr, NGL i kinda forget we still have that thing.

sees that he auto recorded “Knock Knock” because it has Ana de Armas in it.

Me: nice

Dad: why?

Me: you’ll find out

Brocky

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Last edited 3 years ago by Brocky
Horatio Cornblower

Is that the absolutely insane one with Keanu Reeves?

Brocky

….maybe? I kinda had trouble following the storyline

Brocky

Yes, it is that one

Col. Duke LaCross

I saw that movie at Sundance when it premiered. And she is every bit as stunning in person.

Horatio Cornblower

Look, I’m all for burning the referees “in effigy” at mid-field, but when KC fans immediately launch into that fucking tomahawk chop bullshit I kinda hope the refs call 8 more phantom roughing the passer penalties on them.

SonOfSpam

Yes we can hate multiple groups of people

Dunstan

Pretty sure that’s the DFO motto? Oh, with the “while not wearing pants” addition.

Brick Meathook

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Brocky

Me: no way he makes it.

Dad: why?

Me: he’s a free agent kicker and he misses a shorter one earlier. You have a better chance at a hail Mary

kicker makes impossibly long field goal

Me: and thats why I’m 0-4

Brick Meathook

Boomer & Booger

Horatio Cornblower

Did Berman really just acknowledge QEII’s death like it didn’t happen a month ago?

The Maestro

It takes a month for Berman to regain full functionality whenever ESPN wakes him from cryogenic sleep.

Last edited 3 years ago by The Maestro
Redshirt
Redshirt

Why does ESPN have the scores backwards?

JimU

ESPN trying to court English soccer fans?

LemonJello

Shit. Berman still counted among the living.

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