Hi everyone,

It’s your old pal, Beerguyrob,

Well, as one of the many dads who have left the site to go get a pack of cigarettes, let me return for a brief minute to offer up…

BEERGUYROB’S ONE-SENTENCE NHL PREVIEWS!

In the midst of all the scandals surrounding Hockey Canada – most recently with the entire board resigning in light of the discovery of a second slush fund to pay off sexual assault allegations made against male players at tournaments – it’s come to light that an NHL season is about to drop the puck. There were two games last night & a full slate tonight. Thus, I feel compelled to emerge from my cave with bold & beautiful synopses for each team as the season begins anew.

I swear to Cthulhu that I am trying to keep up with my #content obligations, but it’s hard given that I have to spend most of my work day convincing myself not to call a meeting that ends with the word “spree” being used on TV. But since I used to contain these previews within my old evening posts, I took the time during an in-class assignment to compile some words about the upcoming 82-games of misery.

Reminder:

• 2021/22 Champion: Colorado Avalanche
• 2021/22 Runner-up: Tampa Bay Lightning
• A Canadian team has not won the Cup since the 1993 Canadiens.
• Current teams that have never won a Cup: (year of entry to the League)
  • Buffalo Sabres (1970)
  • Vancouver Canucks (1970)
  • Winnipeg Jets / Arizona Coyotes* (1979 / 1996)
  • San Jose Sharks (1991)
  • Ottawa Senators (1992 incarnation)
  • Florida Panthers (1993)
  • Nashville Predators (1998)
  • Atlanta Thrashers / Winnipeg Jets* (1999 / 2011)
  • Minnesota Wild* (2000)
  • Columbus Blue Jackets* (2000)
  • Vegas Golden Knights (2017)
  • Seattle Kraken* (2021)

^{* = never played in a Final}

Eastern Conference

ATLANTIC 

Tampa Bay Lightning

• The New England Patriots of the NHL, these salary-cap fraudsters have another two years left on their Cup window; three, if they hide Nikita Kucherov on the IR for another season.

Toronto Maple Leafs

• Experience the power of prayer as every Canadian living outside the 416 & 905 hope once again that the Leafs live out their national destiny by flaming out in the first round.

Montreal Canadiens

• A once-proud franchise so sad they might as well split their games with expansion bridesmaid Quebec City in order to avoid hearing the boos every night.

Florida Panthers

• This will be the season that decides whether their management brain trust calculated the rebuild or put all their eggs in one basket.

Buffalo Sabres

• Perennial laughingstock of a franchise that can’t avoid stepping on their own dicks in pursuit of a draft pick they will eventually ruin.

Detroit Red Wings

• After four years of cleaning out the garbage, Stevie Y has these guys poised to be contenders for the next five years.

Ottawa Senators

• Only the death of Dan Snyder will bring a franchise more joy than the passing of Eugene Melnyk brought to the hopes & dreams of Senators fans.

Boston Bruins

• Brad Marchand is on his way to becoming an Esa Tikkanen rent-a-pest end of career run, so Boston will try & wring one more year of Perfection out of this lineup before blowing it up to start over again.

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METROPOLITAN 

New Jersey Devils

• Two Hughes brothers means they have twice as good odds as the Canucks of making the playoffs.

Washington Capitals

• Ovechkin’s quest for Gretzky’s record continues apace, to the effect of eliminating the Caps from serious Cup contention.

New York Islanders

• Their continued playoff relevance exists in inverse proportion to Maple Leafs fans feeling they got rooked when John Tavares left, allowing the needed rebuild to effectively create a playoff team out of scraps.

Pittsburgh Penguins

• An inability to break away from Sidney Crosby will be exacerbated once it’s discovered that they’d be better off dressing ferrets as goaltenders come Round Two of the playoffs, leaving them again wondering how this is all Marc-Andre Fleury’s fault.

Carolina Hurricanes

• MOVE BACK TO HARTFORD YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!

Columbus Blue Jackets

• They exist solely to fill empty dates at OSU’s hockey arena & remind people that the Cleveland Barons should have their own replica jersey available on nhl.com

Philadelphia Flyers

• Poor, poor Gratliff.

New York Rangers

• I believe my old running mate Roman Reigns has some words about his colleagues that share the Garden with him:

Western Conference

CENTRAL 

Nashville Predators

• Imagine if the Bills were good when the Patriots were winning all those Super Bowls, because that’s what it’s going to be like for Preds fans for the next 3-5 years.

Arizona Coyotes

• A joke of a franchise that has resorted to sharing an arena with Arizona State hockey so as to mask their attendance issues, but since Gary Bettman will never give an inch on his Southern Strategy we are forced to accept this state of affairs from a franchise that has more defaulted bills than playoff appearances.

Colorado Avalanche

• The team to beat for the foreseeable future, they might actually challenge the 60-8-12 record of the 1976-77 Habs.

Winnipeg Jets

• A sentimental favourite of most Western Canadians after their own team has been eliminated, they somehow managed to close their Cup window of opportunity on their own dicks.

St. Louis Blues

• “Gloria” by Laura Brannigan is a terrible song, but I’m the only one brave enough to say it.

Dallas Stars

• Despite the fact that Brett Hull’s foot was in the crease & Joe Nieuwendyk is what women see when they hallucinate on diet pills, their success makes accused child abuser Francesco Aquilini miserable so I must make space in my heart for them.

Chicago Blackhawks

• Nope. Fuck them & “Chelsea Piers”.

Minnesota Wild

• A boring franchise in a boring town, they would be better off putting otters on the ice so people would be happy to see them.

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PACIFIC 

Vegas Golden Knights

• The shine is off from their magical run of their first year, but they are still far & away the best team in the division unless Edmonton has finally figured out their goaltending situation.

Seattle Kraken

• They charge NFL prices for NHL beers, which I think is a war crime because they only have two stands that sell something other than pisswater than ends in “- Light”.

Vancouver Canucks

• “Bruce, there it is” will wear off by early November, at which point the fond reminiscing about Alain Vigneault & Swedish twins will resume again.

Anaheim Ducks

• Might be relevant; all I know is that they should revert to the classic Disney jersey as their alternate just to make their games watchable.

Edmonton Oilers

• They have two generational talents who are wasting away the best years of their career because management hasn’t figured out how to draft a goaltender, so unless you are from northern Alberta or a family member don’t bother investing any time in them past April 15th.

Calgary Flames

• Forever living in the shadow of the government town to the north, Canada’s Houston is in the midst of denying their Cup window closed just because their best player left them to sign with… Columbus.

Los Angeles Kings

• Someone reminded me that they won two Cups during the 2010s and I honest to God didn’t remember that, so that should tell you exactly nothing about what I think their chances are.

San Jose Sharks

• They need better uniforms if they want people to take them seriously because the teal & black is SOOOO played out, and their old Shark logo hasn’t aged as well as the Duran Duran album they stole the idea from.

Predictions: 

Eastern Conference:

• Division Winners:
  • Tampa, New Jersey
• Divisional Playoff teams:
  • Atlantic: Leafs, Panthers
  • Metropolitan: Rangers, Penguins
• Wildcards:
  • Red Wings, Carolina

Western Conference:

• Division Winners:
  • Colorado, Vegas
• Divisional Playoff teams:
  • Central: Stars, Preds
  • Pacific: Oilers, Flames
• Wildcards:
  • Jets, Canucks

Final Four:

• Conference Finals:
  • Colorado vs. Oilers
  • Tampa vs. Rangers
• Stanley Cup:
  • Colorado vs. Tampa

Cup Winner:

Well, there you have it. Check back in late-April to see how close I was to correct. Enjoy the games!