Hello and welcome back, those of you that enjoy the footballing. The Shield has provided some (not all) tasty treats for you to consume. (and please try to buy a car, a phone or some insurance today, to help out the wee corporations that spend their precious dollars advertising during these affairs)
To The Games!
Niners/Falcons:
So glad I didn’t reach for Pitts. I’m sure he’ll put it together soon-there’s too much talent there-but so far he has no TD’s and a mere 150 catching yards. San Franny might be in a bit of a pickle given that they could be without as many as 6 defensive starters today. Didn’t the same thing happen to them just last year?
Pats/Browns:
Two run-happy teams face off and the winner gets to .500! Due to the Harris injury it’ll be The Rhamondre Show Today, co-starring Bailey Zappe. (does anyone else wish that his name rhymed with frappe?)
Jets/Packers:
I doubt NY can win here but they’ve got a chance if they can get out of the first half only down a score. You see, they are the 3rd-highest scoring team in the AFC in the 2nd half behind only the Bills and Chiefs. The Packers have scored 7 points or less in 4 of 5 games after intermission so far.
Jags/Colts:
Say hello to Indy’s #1 ball carrier Deon Jackson, a lovely streamer during a bye week. Though the Colts just can’t seem to win in Jacktown, they are 8-2 vs them at home since 2012.
Vikings/Fins:
Tua is good to go but the starter this week is Skylar The Late Rounder. Have at him Minny. Actually, knowing McDaniels, he’s likely put in a nice package of manageable passing plays combined with a shit-ton of running stuff featuring everyone from Edmonds to the assistant ball boy.
Bengals/Saints:
Higgins is a game-timer and I hope for Chase’s sake he plays otherwise the latter will be quadruple-teamed or somesuch. Speaking of, the Saints will be very thin at wr today so you’ll likely see a heavy dollop of Kamara and Taysom again.
Ravens/Giants:
Well, the good news is that Giants DC knows Lamar’s tendencies about as well as anyone but the bad side is that the Giants give up a lot of yards after contact, being 4th-worst in the league. Did you know that Lamar hasn’t lost to an NFC team yet? Here’s hoping NY puts a dent in that 12-0 record.
Bucs/Steelers:
It looks as though Pitt’s safeties will be able to make it but the corner situation is quite dire. This is the kind of break that Brady enjoys, not like that other recent one.
Enjoy.
I’d be even madder if I had started Kyle Pitts (looking forward to Evan Engram’s donut). He must have fucked Arthur Smith’s niece or something.
Klopp just got sent off. The ref turned into Hippo so quickly I hardly noticed.
Klopp just got a red card. And he was right to do it. Ref absolutely blew a non-call.
Red Rocket VENGEANCE!
This sandwich is labeled as ‘spicy’, possibly because it has whole grain mustard. Oh Midwest, you are adorable when you aren’t being racist as shit
Fucking Liverpool.
-Pete Best
My father, the would-be Chelsea fan, (still working on that), is asking what the standard formation is for football. He’s stopped referring to it as soccer. Anyone want to help me out?
I said usually it’s one striker, a couple of wings up with him, and then 3-4 or 4-3 in the middle/back depending on the team. But I’m also barely literate at Lesser Footy strategy, so feel free to call me an idiot and provide a correcter version.
Most run a 4-3-3 or 4-2-3-1
4-4-2, great footy mag back in the day.
DOes he want to hear about Chelsea?
I’ve sent him both formation suggestions from you and Hippo, and taken the opportunity to again remind him that Chelsea are shite.
but does anyone really run a 4-4-2 anymore, after Dyche got fired?
I don’t know how standard it is these days, but a good start is the striker-stopper-sweeper formation as such:
Good thing Hippo is nae watching the futbol.
Y’ALL STOP DISCUSSING IT I AM ANGRY ENOUGH JUST KNOWING
If this result hold it’s huge for my Water Pistols. The enemy of my enemy and so on and so forth.
Oh that was lovely, hope it stands up and the day just gets better from here!
(unironically) GO JEST!
lol Qaron!
SAUCY!!!
That’s an unexpected breakdown by Man City right there. If this result holds Jurgen Klopp’s English is going to be impeccable.
Hippo can has sportsball media blackout tomorrow. And for awhile.
Clean laundry packed to go back to CA, fuzzy robe on, box wine poured and totally still freshish, Red Zone on, sammich. Current life state: good!
Someone smarter than me, make the football start.
Seriously, staggered start times would be lovely.
I poked it with a stick, now RedZone is counting down HUZZAH
Going to be a lazy day with naps. Have to save my energy for the night game
Naps are for MONDAY silly goose!
Took the under for all
ravens/giants 45.5
49ers/Falcons 44.5
Jets/Cheese Assholes 45.5
They’re so majestic!
Is that a representation of Rapey Jameis’s career?
Just realized I am streaming the Cleveland D in all of my leagues. I am a moron.
Folks
Football Sunday AND taco night!
Life can be pretty goddamn magical if you try hard enough.
I have a pot roast simmering again. House smells so autumn-ish. Except when I break wind.
Making Lemongrass, meatball soup.
Fucking hell that sounds delicious.
Next weekend is birthday weekend and I was thinking pot roast and mashed potatoes and gravy for the festivities.
Like minds and such.
My 22-year-old daughter wasn’t familiar with the term, “comfort food”. That was one of the examples I gave her, right there.
I’m eating a Nutty Buddy. Bless you, Little Debbie.
Yum
(All joking aside, I keep Nutty Bars out of the house, otherwise I eat the whole box.}
As a kid I had access to all the ice cream and all the Nutty Buddies (Canada, eh) fudgesicles, creamsicles and everything else. Can’t have it in the house or it will disappear into my belly.
Tortellini alle panna and fresh bread. Crudo and buffala. I visited our cheese Chick yesterday.
I have obtained foodstuffs and drinkstuffs. Almost time to see if box wine is still okay after being open for at least double the promised 30 days of freshness!
Surprise Sexy Sunday!
They would never censor this on Truth Social!
Hippo, is Gordo going to play Monday? That’s mighty lousy run D they’re playing.
I don’t have the balls to use Latavius Murray, but he could go off. If you can use a bench selection on Murray in case Fumbilicious is a no-go, then can maybe leave him in.
I’d start Singletary over Gordon for sure, though. He’s 100% not going to take a full load (PHRASING)
OMG, I just remembered yesterday. To the freezer vodka!
Will we get a “top 5 freezer vodkas” list soon, in Sexy Leadup?
*scribbles in notepad*
MAYBE!
Said notebook (artist’s conception):
Looks like Newcastle is just going to draw their way through the season. I just hope disappointment doesn’t set in for her. Putting a robe on would be such a terrible waste.
Team owners would have her beheaded for parading around like that.
Only if she is dumb enough to visit their shit hole country.
Apparently Higgins is listed as ‘active’.
My employer has me on the same status, so I would advise you to take that with a grain of salt.
Hello, I am ready for some football.
SUDDEN CHANGE AT ELLAND ROAD
They’ll wipe pff the pen for sure
never mind. fuck VAR
I need Leeds to suck and continue to suck.
I would very much enjoy Ted Lasso experiencing a butthole rip in his stupid skinny jeans.
(stolen from Major League: Back to the Minors)
“Time to see if the Zac Taylor and the rest of the Bengals coaches and players were able to go into the laboratory and figure out the revolutionary experimental defense that teams have been using to combat their explosive offense.”
“Otherwise known as the ‘Cover-2.”
“Possibly the ‘Cover-2’.”
Has there been a pattern as to how teams have performed the week after playing in London? Because if they’ve had a tendency to stumble, Saleh’s Jets might have a punchers chance today in Green Bay. Especially in the early window. They’re playing hard for this guy, and the receiver corp seems to be the real deal, if a bit green (no pun intended).
I’m on Team “Jets Win, Qaron Sulks And Throws Everyone Under The Bus”. There’s quite a few of us.
We should get jerseys printed
There are some fine jokes to be made about Qaron ‘inoculating’ himself against Jes-lag
Fun fact: “Jet Slag” is how Woody Johnson started referring to his wife after he’d spent a year in Great Britain.
This is a banner for me.
Vikings and Saints both won last week, a week after playing in London with neither team having a bye.
Random facts for your perusal.
My physicians asked me if I wanted to try Gabapentin, a synthetic nerve-blocker to help in pain management.
“Fuck no!” I said, that shit comes with a ten page warning sheet about all the possible side effects. I usually take note about the ones involving psychotic episodes and suicide.
“Give me opiates!” I demanded in an authoritative voice. They come with a one page warning sheet that just says to not take too much.
Pure opiates from Taliban poppy, that’s the stuff for me.
“How’s your pain, on a scale of one to ten?” they ask me in all earnestness. “Oh, I’d say a five with occasional peaks of seven to eight” I answer with a straight face, even though it doesn’t hurt at all. “Sometimes it hurts real bad.” Then they write a another fat prescription and I know everything is going to be okay.
wipes away tear of pride
Turns out my work-travel backpack holds exactly 1 load of dirty clothes, perfecto!
I kind of feel like if you’re using it to transport dirty clothes it must be referred to as a “bindle” regardless of its shape. Particularly if your journey involved riding on a train at some point.
I feel like someone has stolen my thunder.
Took a taxi from the airport, which is kind of a shame because the Chicago El is about perfect for a bindle
🎵Trailers, for sale or rent🎶
And clothes are in the dryer! I don’t know why I haven’t been taking my dirty clothes half way across the country to do laundry this whole time, it is way easier than using the shared laundry room. Plus Chicago doesn’t have a drought!
Time to head to the grocery store for fizzy wine and sammiches
Your weekly reminder to sign the petition:
https://www.change.org/p/petition-to-get-erling-haaland-banned-from-association-football-because-it-s-just-not-fair
Kinda disappointed he hasn’t scored yet although I will give him a little slack-the game doesn’t start for another 15 minutes.
Question:
If Tee Higgins is ruled out, should I put Tyler Boyd in and take Singletary out? My lineup would be only Sanders at rb and Boyd, Chase, Tyreek, Godwin and Mike Williams at wr.
2 cinc wrs? Only one ball.
The Defensive Gameplan won’t change: Double Chase and drop safeties deep. Unless the Saints secondary is bad, I’d avoid Cincy until they can figure out how to work the defense.
(don’t know shit about Fantasy Football so probably do the opposite)
Buffalo does a lot of things right (obviously) but I’m tired of seeing Singletary inside the 10 yard line (when they do bother to put him in) and have him run straight up the middle for no gain. Put him in frickin’ space for once!
Imo Boyd’s kind of a lightning in a bottle play, since Burrows goes to Chase by default.
No, this didn’t burn me last week, why do you ask?
I think both Cincy and Bills Mafia are gonna run more this weekend.
A soccer game in Philly in a small enclosed cage? The news story for that one tomorrow starts with “Among the injured were…”
One of the greatest ads ever. EVER.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnyFBA9TleU
I’d watch the shit out of that tournament.
WOMP WOMP, fuck off Leeds and Ted Lasso
/Buttery Muscle Update
Yesterday I told wifey that the needle hitting the bone didn’t really hurt and she told me, “It will tomorrow”. She was correct and that’s why I poured a ton of Jack Daniels in my hot chocolate/dark roast drinky this morning.
You should have demanded opiates, rookie mistake!
I’m staring at a whack of them-there’s this thing called ‘pacing’. I’m not a grizzled veteran yet.
you’ll get there, little soldier!
Opiates are the new single malt
The ones made in small villages in Scotland are the best?
Taliban poppy
I wish they were the new IPA’s, because IPA’s are terrible and anyone who enjoys them is…
Bold of you to be that wrong and that loud about it.
Being aggressively loud and wrong about things is about the most patriotic thing one can do these days.
An excellent baiting of Horatio. I give it a 9/11.
/whispers to RTD, this is the right taek.
I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Proper take.
THIS MAN U TEAM I CALL THEM HIGH SCHOOL ME, BECAUSE THEY CAN GET TO THE BOX BUT THEN HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO FROM THERE
Marcus Rashford just now doing nothing to show that this joke wasn’t accurate.
Alright, time to see if this is just a slow start or if the Football Gods are enacting a mighty punishment for the Bengals peaking a year or two early.
(sighs and gulps simultaneously)
Bring on, Andy Dalton.
Hi everyone
Hi
My name is Game Time Decision and I have a lacrosse problem. I’m already out-of the house watching lacrosse in the wind and coldish (10 C or so).
My neighbour’s kid is playing next and it’s against team Canada, so that will keep me interested
Futbol members in the clubhouse nod in appreciation
“Ha ha, I first read that as ’10 cc’s’ and was like, what does my husband have to do with any of this?” – Deanna Favre
(surrounded by 10 empty pints of Cookies-n-Cream ice cream)
Why is everyone looking at me? This is GTD’s time to share!
It is pretty funny you fuckers call it Sunday afternoon when it’s fucking 7:37 in the morning and kickoff is not that far away.
Boy, you west coasters are a cranky bunch in the morning!
In Chicago and will be watching the full slate of games for the first time this year! Probably at least, as the guy is supposed to come over, and if so we’ll probably go grab food at some point. He’s gotten better at a lot of things over the years, but unfortunately basic communication around scheduling is not one of them
Me too!!!!
You’ve gotten better at a lot of things?
Able to watch the full slate. I deserve that though.
You can change him Zymm-I know it!
Hey, if he eventually shows up then it’s not MY fault if I’m already too drunk to pay attention to him and all the good booze is gone
“Damn, only Limoncello left again?”
-The Guy, probably
Has O’Hare gotten any better? I gotta fly in there next month, first time in about 5 years due to that Covid-19 bidnezz. I’ll hang up and listen to your reply.
Terminal 5 still blows, but I think the people mover is running again. Otherwise everything is open, and it’s not doing too poorly from an operational standpoint, especially compared to most airports.
Thanks. I chose not to pay another 400 bucks for a 20 minute flight to MLK but rather rent a car there and drive up 94. That may be dumb but I am fixin to find out.
Benzema against the run of play.
Remember when he was fat and kinda useless? Weird what being fit can do for you.
Can’t decide whether I am more grossed out by the Bonesaws’ kit, or Men Untied’s blatant-even-for-them diving.
Casemiro looks like the fat one from The Chipmunks. Theodore?
It can be both.
Status of my fantasy running backs this week: “Questionable”, “Bye”, “OUT”.
In Vodka league my 2 rb starters were not on my team last week. Bye, bye, out, bye and dropped. (note the lack of an Oxford comma, allowing you, the reader, to correctly discern that I am referring to 4 players, one of whom is BOTH on a bye and dropped from my team. THIS IS WHAT THE ANTI-OXFORD COMMA PEOPLE DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW)
Because we are 14 teams it is thin.
/raises snooty glasses
Then it should have been worded “Bye, bye and dropped, bye, and out.”
Poetic license, I find my version scans better
Glad I saw this. Reminded me to check my team and see that two of my RBs are out and the other is one a bye.
I am now running out a two-TE offense. Things do not look good this week for “Hey Laszlo, Guess What”
Its El Classico time!!!! Vamos ghetto broke Barca!
Real Madrid ranks just behind Chelsea in my ladder of hate.
I just love Don Carlo, even though he really fucked Everton in the ass. Such a suave motherfucker.
Really hate how arrogant and ESL-mad Barca have become. They used to be the “nice guy” among all the giant clubs.
They are super fucked by not going through in the Champions League.
Maybe – just hear me out – don’t sign Lewandowski, and stay committed to your younger players. Made absolutely fuckall sense given where they are in the rebuild cycle.
Alarm bells should have sounded regarding how nonplussed Bayern were to let him leave.
Weird Germans not caring for the Poles.
Banner
If Lewandowski didn’t arrive, they would have no one to score goals.
Their offense was atrocious last year.
Didn’t you hump Real like 4-nil last season?? Y’all just get fixated on signing “famous guys.”
I mean, like De Jong, I would rather live in Barcelona than Manchester. Less rough and tumble play too.
Ya gotta admire how this French fan found a way to integrate over the knee socks, silk camel toe Daisy Duke shorts and ample under boob.
#ThatsDedication
I was in a bad mood this morning, but then I read that Marshall and Stanford each have ONE solitary D-1A win this season. Away to Notre Dame.
It’s all better now.
Thank you, that lifted my mood as well!
West Ham getting jobbed yet again. This time by an illegal throw in. There’s a new one, at least.
Fronk, you should not have beaten us last week. VAR can get completely fucked. One goal was a double fucking hand ball. I hate the refereeing in this god damned league.
Correct. Scamacca didn’t even celebrate. At all. That should have been a dead giveaway.