[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

The NFL is over? FUCK. You mean I gotta WORK now to get geared up for the USFL? Son of a BITCH. These shitmonglers know that they’re makin’ me miss burnout season. Soon as the snow melts and you get the stickies back on, it’s time to FUCKIN’ GUN IT. Someone’s gotta draw the tire track cocks all over midfield. If ain’t gonna be me, then who the fuck you gonna get instead?

Whatever. Here’s something for you dickslappers this week. See if I fuckin’ care.

THE FULLER DYMAXION

Model Year: 1933

Total units produced: 3

Vehicle type: Four-dour, eleven-seater “zoomobile”

Engine: Flat-head Ford V8, 85-90 HP

Drivetrain: FWD

Transmission: Ford manual (likely a three-speed, but possibly four-speed)

Gross weight: 2700 lbs.

0-60 time: unknown

Top speed: somewhere between 90-128 mph

Vehicle cost: null

What makes this car interesting? 

Dynamic. Maximum. Tension. Buckminster Fuller was one of the best-known architects and engineers of the 20th century, best-known for popularizing the geodesic dome and for his lecturing and writing as an early adopter of the global sustainability movement. Most people are probably aware of the buildings he designed, but before he was well-established in the world of architecture, one of Fuller’s pet projects was the design and construction of his own vehicle, which he named Dymaxion – a combination of the three words beginning this section. While the Dymaxion was tested as a car, Fuller’s real concept of the vehicle was as “4D transport” – a vehicle that could move in any direction, on any terrain – or even in situations with a complete lack of terrain, such as underwater, or more importantly, in the air. Fuller’s young daughter Allegra dubbed it a “zoomobile” – as per her father’s vision for a true four-dimensional vehicle, she felt it could one day “hop off the road at will, fly about, then, as deftly as a bird, settle back into a place in traffic.” While Fuller ran out of cash before the design could be licensed for any commercial purposes, he envisioned later models to be powered by a jet engine – technology that did not yet exist in the 1930s.

Fuller and his team only built three prototype vehicles, but the engineering and design behind each one is astounding, particularly when contrasted with more traditional vehicles of this time period. Some of the unconventional design choices:

• A hinged double frame for weight reduction (and subsequent prototypes went with a hinged triple frame for further reductions);
• Seating for 11
• Air conditioning using dry ice in containers
• An independently steered third wheel
• Extremely aerodynamic body styling, with rounded aluminum panels and a curved shatterproof glass windshield

Fuller is noted as having made some pretty preposterous claims about the vehicle during his time working on it (anything from claiming that his factory had 2500 orders for vehicles that they needed to fill – they had exactly zero – and that he once used the car to win a track race in Brooklyn by over a 50% margin over second place), but it’s clear that his intent was real and that he really wanted to design something that was truly groundbreaking. The car was definitely imperfect, but for its era, it was incredibly fuel-efficient, with its V8 engine still returning over 30 mpg on the regular. The Dymaxion never entered production – its image was permanently marred by a fatal crash in 1933, which may or may not have come as a result of another car hitting it, rather than any design flaws it may have had – and Fuller ultimately turned to other pursuits, most notably his aforementioned work on popularizing geodesic domes, as well as the concept of the Dymaxion house, a mass-produced, ultra-efficient prefabricated design that would be inexpensive to construct and maintain, while allowing owners all the finest luxuries of that age, such as low-flow appliances and misting showers.

With only three Dymaxions ever built, few people got the chance to drive it – though interestingly former New York Philharmonic conductor Leopold Stokowski is rumored to have owned one of the cars for a few months in the 1950s. Only the second prototype remains, in a museum in Reno, Nevada, but the Dymaxion’s legacy has spurred many modern enthusiasts to design and build replica versions of their own.

What makes this car stupid?

THIS PIECE OF SHIT STEERS JUST ABOUT AS WELL AS ALBERT HAYNESWORTH PLAYED AFTER HE GOT THAT FAT CONTRACT IN WASHINGTON. What an absolute dog of a car. The three-wheel setup was its Achilles heel of design. More specifically, the single rear wheel was able to rotate up to 90 degrees in both directions, allowing the car to be maneuvered in extremely tight conditions – but this was only really a successful feature at slow speeds. Up at highway speed, the Dymaxion was a heavy, volatile, highly unstable pig – and with no power steering to speak of, it would’ve been an exhausting ordeal for the driver for any trip longer than about a half-hour.

The steering is truly horrendous, but rear visibility is almost as bad. The Dymaxion was certainly aerodynamic and fuel-efficient for its era, but that required sacrifices to the rear end of the vehicle, which has no glass to look out. To get around this issue, Fuller elected to add a periscope in order for the driver to look behind them while on the road. Seems practical!

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

Seating for 11? THAT’S A BUS! You can try to get some pussy on a bus, but unless you’re, uh, fuckin’, I dunno, some Hollywood asshole or some shit, all you’re catching is rape charges, I think.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

GODDAMN FUCKMINSTER AND HIS KICKASS NAME! What is there to fix on this? The steering? Not if you’re a Cars & Coffee Mustang dumbfuck. Seriously, one of those cockwallets takes out a wall of spectators every other week in this country. The Mustang makes a BITCHIN’ CAMARO an infinitely better choice.

No, but seriously. FUCKMINSTER. That’s perfect. That’s more fuckin’ perfect than Big Ben standing erect and upright in a protected pocket for like ten, twelve sections untouched. That’s more fuckin’ perfect than sticking your punter’s head in a Juggs machine. That’s more fuckin’ perfect than some California pansy reaching for his inhaler after you smoke your tires out in the Burger King parking lot. Guy has a Presidential Medal of Freedom. From REAGAN. How many of you assholes have that? I don’t. I know when I’m beat. Nothing but respect.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.