2017 Quotables – Preseason (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Welcome to another season of Quotables. For those of you who are new to the site, it’s really simple — just try to be funnier than everyone else and then your caption wins the high praise of being recognized in the results post.

For example:

“Oh, sure, he’ll dance with giant pear-shaped creatures at the Pro Bowl…’ – Lena Dunham” -Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

See? Easy.

So, without further ado, see you all for results on….Friday (I think — it’s been a while since we’ve done this).


Atlanta Falcons players enter the practice space during training camp.

Bears WR Cameron Meredith tears his ACL against the Tennessee Titans.

Pre-kickoff view of the crowd turnout for the cross-town rivalry game between LA and LA.

New England Nazis WR Julian Edelman tears his ACL against the Detroit Lions.

49ers quarterback Brian Hoyer throws a touchdown pass against the Minnesota Vikings.

Bengals punter Kevin Huber avoids a block against the Washington Redskins.

Jason Pierre-Paul picks off Brock Osweiler on Monday Night Football

[JV] Washington’s Quarterback Jake Browning is sacked in a Week 1 game against Rutgers.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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The Falcons are wearing the All-Day Jack Stack jersey design from the Andy Reid’s Soiled Bibs Collection.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

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“We’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation, with your T-forma…OHJESUSCHRIST, NOT LIKE THAT!!! NOT LIKE THAT!!”

JerBear50
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JerBear50

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Browning takes BFF Jamal Adams’ advice to heart.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I forgot one.

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HA FUCKING HA

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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This time, Brock Lobster got clawed.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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No one goes to the Coliseum to watch teams that have to manage salary caps.

nomonkeyfun
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The last Rutgers student to hit anything that hard was Tyler Clementi.

/going to hell

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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nomonkeyfun
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The rare two claw interception.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

This album contains all the Quotables I’ve made, including all of those made during the preseason. Lucky for us, this notable lizard person summed up the preseason and exemplifies the cutting wit we’ve already begun subjecting the NFL to this season.

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

Q: How can you tell when the Rams are playing a home game?

A: There’s no traffic around the Coliseum

SonOfSpam
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Haven’t seen a white man fool a Redskin that badly since John Rolfe said, “Don’t worry, it’ll just be the tip.”

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Fuck. That cuts deep.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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No way he was circumcised.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I want to make a joke about Indians not being able to kill a bengal tiger, but the reality is that they’ve done a very good job of killing nearly all the subcontinent’s tigers.

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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pictured here is the “Disinterested LA fan” wave

Duchess
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the feared LA Ripple

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

damn it, that’s soooo much better than mine.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

It’s a team effort here.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Wait. What. Oh, fuck. Maybe I should’ve looked out my window. Apparently, all of Oregon is on fire.

BRB, kids.

(This is the view from my living room as of ten minutes ago. It hasn’t improved.)

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Duchess
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I haven’t seen anyone go this weak in the knees when Meredith went down since my 2003 Christmas Formal.

ballsofsteelandfury
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– Jared Fogle

Duchess
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Jason Pierre-Paul with his signature 3 Finger Discount

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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Duchess
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TO COMMEMORATE THE SECOND HALF OF THE SUPER BOWL THE FALCONS WORE CAMO SO KNOW ONE WOULD NOTICE IF THEY DIDNT SHOW UP.

Duchess
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And Thousands of LA bros drove down to San Diego wondering where the Chargers game was at.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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The Chargers are looking forward to moving into the StubHub Center, where their 10,000 strong remaining fans won’t have to spread out quite so much.

Senor Weaselo
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“OOOOOOOHHHH! AND 1! AND 1! Wait never mind, he still got tackled for a loss, you gotta finish the play.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Million dollar move, ten cent finish.

Duchess
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If Reggie Bush had 10 cents for every million dollar move he made he would still have his Heisman.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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“Getting a pick six is almost as tough as counting to six these days.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Open call for the Kim Kardashian-Ray J biopic went better than expected

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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Sounds carry differently in a mostly empty stadium, really letting you hear every bone-shattering tackle on the field, the players’ conversations on the sidelines and the vulgarity-ridden tirades about the attendance coming from the owners boxes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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HE SAID THE BEACH WAS CLOSED, DAMMIT

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Legend has it that the one armed man can send you back home to tend to the stables.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“Can’t do that from your knees, Kap!”
–Jerry Jones

“Since when do you call me ‘Kap’?”
–Girl sucking Jerry Jones’s cock

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Needs a dash of “YeeeHAwww, I am fuckin’ CRAZY!”

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Or more of this flavor crazy?

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
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/booth flies open
CHRIS BERMAN: “This Huber-driver gets five stars!”
/fans reach for cyanide

LemonJello
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LemonJello

/Berman exits booth
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BrettFavresColonoscopy
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SWEET RELEASE!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Atlanta Falcons players enter the practice space during training camp.

Where?!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Roger Goodell plans to fine James Harrison $25,000 for this play.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

This bit is as evergreen as the stickiest of Josh Gordon’s ickiest.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

That means it’s good, right?
/reties onion to belt
//prepares to yell at clouds

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Indeed.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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This is Hoyer Country?

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Pretty brave to wear white pants for a team known for shitting themselves in the big moment.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“I haven’t seen a bear torn up by two titans like that since AARon’s last ‘pool’ party.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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I haven’t seen a Meredith end up in tears like that since that episode of Family Ties when Alex got hooked on amphetamines.

JerBear50
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JerBear50

Or when Uncle Ned showed up doing his best Commentist impression.
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ballsofsteelandfury
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Coliseum:

“OK, I’m here. Where is my damn free AC unit?”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Take it in boys, it’ll never be as good as this again!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Apparently Monday Night is lobster night at the Met.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“High Fives! High Fi—. Shit. Sorry JPP!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Atlanta players show their support for their local police force by donning their special “all-bacon” jerseys.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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I call this one “The Treaty of New Echota.”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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I told coach naming a play “Purple Monkey Dishwasher” was a bad idea.

ballsofsteelandfury
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Atlanta practice:

#51 knows that coach said that if the checkers team doesn’t give up a 25 point lead in the second half, they all get smoothies.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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Looks like Washington is using Baylor’s “how to get dates” advice as their tackling technique.

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