2017 Quotables – Preseason (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

Welcome to another season of Quotables. For those of you who are new to the site, it’s really simple — just try to be funnier than everyone else and then your caption wins the high praise of being recognized in the results post.

For example:

“Oh, sure, he’ll dance with giant pear-shaped creatures at the Pro Bowl…’ – Lena Dunham” -Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

See? Easy.

So, without further ado, see you all for results on….Friday (I think — it’s been a while since we’ve done this).


Atlanta Falcons players enter the practice space during training camp.

Bears WR Cameron Meredith tears his ACL against the Tennessee Titans.

Pre-kickoff view of the crowd turnout for the cross-town rivalry game between LA and LA.

New England Nazis WR Julian Edelman tears his ACL against the Detroit Lions.

49ers quarterback Brian Hoyer throws a touchdown pass against the Minnesota Vikings.

Bengals punter Kevin Huber avoids a block against the Washington Redskins.

Jason Pierre-Paul picks off Brock Osweiler on Monday Night Football

[JV] Washington’s Quarterback Jake Browning is sacked in a Week 1 game against Rutgers.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

68
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
45 Comment threads
23 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
15 Comment authors
UnsurprisedJerBear50Low Commander of the Super Soldiersnomonkeyfunblaxabbath Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

The Falcons are wearing the All-Day Jack Stack jersey design from the Andy Reid’s Soiled Bibs Collection.

JerBear50
JerBear50

comment image
“We’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation, with your T-forma…OHJESUSCHRIST, NOT LIKE THAT!!! NOT LIKE THAT!!”

JerBear50
JerBear50

comment image
Browning takes BFF Jamal Adams’ advice to heart.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I forgot one.

comment image

HA FUCKING HA

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

This time, Brock Lobster got clawed.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

No one goes to the Coliseum to watch teams that have to manage salary caps.

nomonkeyfun

comment image?resize=480%2C270&ssl=1

The last Rutgers student to hit anything that hard was Tyler Clementi.

/going to hell

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

nomonkeyfun

comment image?resize=480%2C270&ssl=1

The rare two claw interception.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This album contains all the Quotables I’ve made, including all of those made during the preseason. Lucky for us, this notable lizard person summed up the preseason and exemplifies the cutting wit we’ve already begun subjecting the NFL to this season.

comment image

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Q: How can you tell when the Rams are playing a home game?

A: There’s no traffic around the Coliseum

SonOfSpam

comment image

Haven’t seen a white man fool a Redskin that badly since John Rolfe said, “Don’t worry, it’ll just be the tip.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Fuck. That cuts deep.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No way he was circumcised.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I want to make a joke about Indians not being able to kill a bengal tiger, but the reality is that they’ve done a very good job of killing nearly all the subcontinent’s tigers.

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

comment image
pictured here is the “Disinterested LA fan” wave

Duchess

the feared LA Ripple

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

damn it, that’s soooo much better than mine.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s a team effort here.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Wait. What. Oh, fuck. Maybe I should’ve looked out my window. Apparently, all of Oregon is on fire.

BRB, kids.

(This is the view from my living room as of ten minutes ago. It hasn’t improved.)

comment image

Duchess

comment image

I haven’t seen anyone go this weak in the knees when Meredith went down since my 2003 Christmas Formal.

ballsofsteelandfury

– Jared Fogle

Duchess

comment image

Jason Pierre-Paul with his signature 3 Finger Discount

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

Duchess

comment image
TO COMMEMORATE THE SECOND HALF OF THE SUPER BOWL THE FALCONS WORE CAMO SO KNOW ONE WOULD NOTICE IF THEY DIDNT SHOW UP.

Duchess

comment image

And Thousands of LA bros drove down to San Diego wondering where the Chargers game was at.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image?resize=480%2C270&ssl=1

The Chargers are looking forward to moving into the StubHub Center, where their 10,000 strong remaining fans won’t have to spread out quite so much.

Senor Weaselo

comment image?ssl=1
“OOOOOOOHHHH! AND 1! AND 1! Wait never mind, he still got tackled for a loss, you gotta finish the play.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Million dollar move, ten cent finish.

Duchess

If Reggie Bush had 10 cents for every million dollar move he made he would still have his Heisman.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

“Getting a pick six is almost as tough as counting to six these days.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

Open call for the Kim Kardashian-Ray J biopic went better than expected

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

Sounds carry differently in a mostly empty stadium, really letting you hear every bone-shattering tackle on the field, the players’ conversations on the sidelines and the vulgarity-ridden tirades about the attendance coming from the owners boxes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

HE SAID THE BEACH WAS CLOSED, DAMMIT

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

Legend has it that the one armed man can send you back home to tend to the stables.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

“Can’t do that from your knees, Kap!”
–Jerry Jones

“Since when do you call me ‘Kap’?”
–Girl sucking Jerry Jones’s cock

LemonJello
LemonJello

Needs a dash of “YeeeHAwww, I am fuckin’ CRAZY!”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Or more of this flavor crazy?

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

/booth flies open
CHRIS BERMAN: “This Huber-driver gets five stars!”
/fans reach for cyanide

LemonJello
LemonJello

/Berman exits booth
comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

SWEET RELEASE!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

Atlanta Falcons players enter the practice space during training camp.

Where?!

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?ssl=1
Roger Goodell plans to fine James Harrison $25,000 for this play.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This bit is as evergreen as the stickiest of Josh Gordon’s ickiest.

LemonJello
LemonJello

That means it’s good, right?
/reties onion to belt
//prepares to yell at clouds

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Indeed.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?ssl=1
This is Hoyer Country?

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?ssl=1
Pretty brave to wear white pants for a team known for shitting themselves in the big moment.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?resize=480%2C300&ssl=1
“I haven’t seen a bear torn up by two titans like that since AARon’s last ‘pool’ party.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image

I haven’t seen a Meredith end up in tears like that since that episode of Family Ties when Alex got hooked on amphetamines.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Or when Uncle Ned showed up doing his best Commentist impression.
comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Coliseum:

“OK, I’m here. Where is my damn free AC unit?”

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?resize=480%2C270&ssl=1
“Take it in boys, it’ll never be as good as this again!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image

Apparently Monday Night is lobster night at the Met.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?resize=480%2C270&ssl=1
“High Fives! High Fi—. Shit. Sorry JPP!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image

Atlanta players show their support for their local police force by donning their special “all-bacon” jerseys.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?ssl=1
I call this one “The Treaty of New Echota.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image?resize=480%2C270&ssl=1
I told coach naming a play “Purple Monkey Dishwasher” was a bad idea.

ballsofsteelandfury

Atlanta practice:

#51 knows that coach said that if the checkers team doesn’t give up a 25 point lead in the second half, they all get smoothies.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

comment image?ssl=1

Looks like Washington is using Baylor’s “how to get dates” advice as their tackling technique.