[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

The mother-fuckin’ USFL is back!!! Wait, fuck, apparently that’s the XFL. Who the fuck knows anymore. Look, you’re kidding yourself if you think you can remember the difference either. Guess that’s probably why nobody’s on my ass yet about still doing my TV show? Who gives a flying fuck. The Showboats paid me up front for the entire goddamn season. Their mistake, clearly. Whatever. Don’t even know what the fuck our schedule is either. How do these fuckin’ choadchompers stay in business??

Fuck you. Suck my dick. Here’s a car to talk about, I guess.

L’OEUF ELECTRIQUE

Model Year: 1942

Total units produced: 1

Vehicle type: Two door, two seat electric “bubble car”

Engine: electric motor with 660 lbs. of batteries

Drivetrain: RWD

Transmission: probably Arzens’ self-designed six-speed automatic, but unknown for sure

Gross weight: 770 lbs.

0-60 time: nope, lol

Top speed: 43 mph

Vehicle cost: null

What makes this car interesting? 

France was not an especially pleasant place to live in the early 1940s. Thanks to German occupation in World War II, danger was ever-present, be it from bombs and bullets or simply from espionage and cowardice from your next-door neighbor. Essentials were few and far between – especially things like booze, tobacco, sweets, and gasoline. Whatever was left typically found its way to your nearest battalion of Nazis.

So how much of a middle finger would it have been to the Wehrmacht seeing a guy driving around in comfort and style in a car he built himself, totally uncaring about any German restrictions on his life?

Paul Arzens was a French artist and industrial designer, best known later in his career for his work on designing railway cars. His skill in painting earned him wealth at a young age, allowing him to dabble in industrial arts, including in automotive work. His first car, dubbed <<La Baleine>> (“The Whale”), was a highly aerodynamic body kit built overtop of an old Buck frame; released in 1938, it was bold, stylish and extremely forward-thinking, signalling many postward automotive design trends yet to arrive on the scene.

After the Nazis invaded France, Arzens, still into designing cars, realized that the rapid depletion of fuel for everyday citizens would force him to get creative. He pivoted to building a second design – one that was much different from La Baleine. In 1942, the Electric Egg arrived on the scene. Hand-built out of hammered aluminum, it’s a one-of-a-kind vehicle that still exists today, where it can be seen on display in Paris’ Conservatoire des arts et métiers.

Where the Whale was huge, the Egg was tiny. Just two seats surrounding by aluminum and plexiglass, the main body of the car weighed hardly anything at all – most of the weight was the five batteries that Arzens put under the seats, which helped to keep the centre of gravity very low on the vehicle. With an electric motor driving the rear wheel, which was also steered independently, this tiny three-wheeler had fantastic forward and sideways visibility, and with a 63 mile range on the batteries, this car would’ve been an ideal fit for the narrow streets of Paris during the first half of the 20th century. Plus, with no gas required, it would have driven the Germans insane to see him wheeling around out there.

After the war ended, Arzens swapped the electric motor with a tiny 125 cc gasoline engine from a Peugeot, giving him an extra 10 mph on his top speed. He continued to drive the vehicle all the way up to his death in 1990, and automotive design enthusiasts could well argue that his success in demonstrating the capabilities of tiny vehicles paved the way for success for mass-market Euro cars like the Mini Cooper, Fiat 500, or Smart ForTwo.

What makes this car stupid?

FUCKIN’ FRENCH STORYBOOK BABY SOFT BULLSHIT IS WHAT IT IS. This frog asshole drives around looking like THIS smug prick:

Also, let’s be real. Fucker can barely hit 40 miles an hour. If you’re gonna stunt on people, you gotta be able to lay down some goddamn rubber, or, fuck, blast some tunes at ’em. Stupid asshole just probably listens to accordion music about gay sex when he slowly drives around in this thing. Fuck this shitweasel.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

Depends on how much of a fucking exhibitionist freak you are, I guess. There’s a hard cock’s ton of plexiglass on this thing, after all.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

You REALLY wanna stick it to some fuckin’ Nazis? You build yourself a goddamn fire-breathing supercharged V12 out of tractor parts, beer cans and leftover Skoal, stick it in whatever the fuck you have lying around the junkyard, and then spank the local colonel’s ass in a quarter-mile drag race as you hammer it in reverse the whole way.

Then you fuck his daughter and never call her again.

Don’t do this stupid egg bullshit.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.