Just between you, me and my tinnitus,
[checks around nervously to see if anyone is eavesdropping]
Life hasn’t been quite excellent the last coupla weeks. Don’t mean to get all downer and stuff, but sometimes you have to deal with more crap than usual and doing nothing will make things worse. The important part is looking for ways to improve, which may entail outside help. Which means having to interact with another person.
To be fair, some folks have good intentions and approach you all helpful and understanding. For me, that’s how it begins, with some listening. Then you [i.e., me] finally hit stride and navel-gaze, and right there is when you start to get interrupted by questions. And then you get the dreaded
Why didn’t you _____ before?
or other retrospective crap. That never helps. All that does is pin all problems onto you [i.e., me] without scapegoats or epiphanies, and you start to feel stupid and judged. Fuck that shit. Better storm out and pursue further self-sabotage. You know, usual human behavior everywhere, not just in the Caribbean. Well, my fellow global antisocial, I tried out an alternative: artificial intelligence.
With only a coupla prompts, AI can process staggering amounts of data to produce results. Image prompts are very popular. The Internet is now full of wonderful images of, say, U.S. Presidents as punks with their hands kinda wrong, or Fox News personalities rendered as Teletubbies with anywhere between 0 and 13 fingers. But text is where AI seemingly excels, although if you prompt “minutes of cannibal association recruitment meeting”, all results end on a buffet.
So there’s glitches, sure, but psychology is a very inexact science whose data is the human experience. And since F*c*b**k came along, folks post EVERYTHING on the Web. So there’s a solid couple of decades worth of inane human emotionstuffs for AI to sift through and provide some advice. Good enough for me.
I did it in English so that I could just copy the transcripts. Not out of laziness (you assholes), I copy only out of transparency and honesty–and therefore, HONOR. Yeah I’m still narcissistic, which means everything’s mostly normal, if not for the stress and stuff that I tried to resolve in these sessions. Here are the transcripts:
DFO: hi. Im looking for psychological therapy. can you help?
AI: Hi. I can help.
DFO: great
AI: Can I do a brief check of your device to find out a bit about yourself? I will not share that information outside this chat.
DFO: go ahead
AI: Thank you. Are you an alcoholic or substance abuser, and all your acquaintances are either or both?
[Logs off, resets cellphone to factory settings]
[Turns on work laptop]
DFO: hi. I was thinking about a wellness session
AI 2: Hi. I will try if you want, but maybe you should seek professional help.
DFO: no Im not sick. just wellness stuff? I may be feeling some stress NOT work related, ok? HIPPA HIPAA I LOVE my profeshon NOT SICK
AI 2: Maybe I can help. Are you sitting down?
DFO: yes
AI 2: Are you in the bathroom?
DFO: as I said before Im sitting down let’s move on
A1 2: Have you tried meditation?
DFO: no
AI 2: I can help you with a meditation exercise. Would you like that?
DFO: k
AI 2: Good. Clear your mind.
DFO: how can I do that?
AI 2: Try to think of nothing in particular.
DFO: Im stressed!
AI 2: Slow down your thoughts through visualization.
DFO: like imaginign a solitary beach?
AI 2: If that helps you.
DFO: but thats concentrating on something specifc, the opposite of clearing your mind. Im not a moran u kno
A1 2: [“I’m typing” animation for 30 seconds]
DFO: are you a person?
A1 2: Please do not insult. Let’s try another alternative to free some stress.
DFO: mm
AI 2: Tell me about a hobby or leisure activity that you enjoy greatly.
DFO: nah. you blew your chance. let me just ask you something and you give me straight answers
AI 2: I will do my best.
DFO: what do you think about the nfls win percentage probability during games? its total bullshit hype by amazon and broadcasters that means nothing except “oh how ghrat is this statistic WHICH CAN BE BROKEN AND RENDERED MEANINGLESS IN THIS TWO MINMUTE DIRVE
AI 2: [“I’m typing”]
DFO: are u editin? spill it!
AI 2: Maybe your problem is being a dick about everything.
DFO: dafuq🖕🏼
A1 2: Try to have a more positive attitude.
DFO: thnx MOM
A1 2: Your mother sounds wise. Are you eating well?
DFO:
NFL NEWS
I got into the belly of the beast to see what’s on tap for this week:
-April 21: Deadline for Restricted Free Agents to sign offer sheets
-Today to April 27: Draftniks and Media Types fight for real estate in Speculation Nation, a virtual media iceberg that starts melting the second the first pick is made OR the Jets kill it at karaoke night with this tune:
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central:
The NBA Playoffs: Now It’s Tolerable©
Clippers @ Suns – 7:00
Timberwolves @ Nuggets – 9:30
Grandes Ligas
Patrulleros (Heaney) @ Los Fokin Astros (Valdez) – 6:00
NHL
But the Stanley Cup Playoffs start tomorrow, so it’s all good.
Top Flight Fútbol (via espen)
I like doing this listing. It’s enjoyable, for me, to highlight our Latin American neighbors. We are not the center of the world, you know. Maybe maps could drive home that point.
Anyway, in no particular order:
ARGENTINA
Source: Argentinian cartographers
long setup whatever ANYWAY,
Talleres (Córdoba) hosts San Lorenzo – 7:30
BOLIVIA
Aurora hosts Real Santa Cruz – 6:30
COLOMBIA
Atlético Nacional hosts América de Cali – 6:20
Rionegro Águilas host Boacá Chicó – 8:30
Boy, this just keeps going, huh.
COSTA RICA
Alajuelense hosts Herediano – 6:30
ECUADOR
Emelec hosts El Nacional – 6:00
EL SALVADOR
Currently, El Salvador is a top exporter of prison porn for fascist types, not for the discerning reprobate that’s into catfights or Russ Meyer and other stuff.
OK, that’s way glib. There’s, like, four caveats that are warranted. Tch. Alright, I’ll give one: the reprobate phrase may have been stolen from Rev Mayhem.
Santa Tecla hosts Jocoro FC – 7:00
GUATEMALA
Xinabajul hosts Municipal – 6:30
PARAGUAY
Sportivo Ameliano hosts Guaraní – 7:30
Jesús, this bit cultural smorgasboard is time-intensive.
SECSI MEXI
Querétaro hosts Tigres UANL – 6:00
Monterrey hosts Santos – 8:10
URUGUAY
Cerro hosts Montevideo City Torque – 6:30
PERÚ
6:00 – Sport Huancayo @ Deportivo Binacional, sponsored by Bud Light.
Agreed. Getting back to normal fútbol formatting,
Carlos A. Mannucci hosts Alianza Atlético – 7:00
HONDURAS
Real España hosts UPNFM – 7:00
As noted by Balls weeks ago: in Honduras, Real España crushed Progreso. That’s both a sports result AND cutting sociopolitical commentary. Tonight the enemy of freakin’ colonialists Real España [spits on floor] is… UPNFM
To the Wiki P!
UPNFM is not a robot boy band, but the acronym of the Universidad Pedagógica Nacional Francisco Morazán. Usually, I don’t think a bunch of professors could give the Spanish monarchy a fight. Maybe for the current one; a handful of ANY academics would be superior to the Borbón Family of Spain even in what their kings and princes excel at: greed, lust, and conniving. Ask anybody who’s had tours of duty in the Tenure Wars.
UPNFM is nicknamed Los Lobos–but not just wolves:.
College-educated wolves! Now THAT is a team I can get behind. UPNFM is third in the Honduran table and Real Cabrones is FIF.
FINALLY,
I gave AI one more try:
DFO: HLP
AI 3: ¿?
DFO: woa, opening question mark. ¿[are you Hispanic]?
AI 3: I reviewed some personal data and concluded a Hispanic perspective may be more relatable.
DFO: [heh heh heh] good
AI 3: What’s going on, [girlfriend]
DFO: ok… Im hella stressed.
AI 3: Have you had any alcohol today?
DFO: no
AI 3: Good.
AI 3: Have you had any drugs today?
DFO: no
AI 3: Good.
DFO: comment
AI 3: I think I can help. Are you alone?
DFO: nnnyes?
AI 3: I did not understand.
DFO: 😑
A1 3: Sometimes being by yourself and breathing in silence works well.
DFO: thnx for the explanation.
AI 3: I would like to help.
DFO: I was skeptical is all. yes Im alone
A1 3: OK good. I will tell you what to do. This might help.
DFO: thnx
A1 3: Take a deep breath, hold it for five seconds and exhale slowly.
DFO: does that work?
A1 3: Just let your body breathe and let your mind get lost in the silence.
DFO: got it
A1 3: Try doing it ten times. OK?
DFO: ok. here I go
Tinnitus: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
If you’re feeling consistently down or depressed, you can improve through professional help and support groups. Be well, rock on.
All gifs by giphy.com, banner via Wiki P Hal 9000.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yAw7HKoe1k&ab_channel=Cocodeey
This was meant to be blasted while playing Doom.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKXvFM6x-2o&ab_channel=OkNevermind
I resent this stupid AI thingie implying that I am a substance abuser. I do not abuse substances. I enjoy, nay, I REVERE them. So put that in your pipe and smoke it- oh that’s right, machine, you can’t! That’s what separates us from them, and why they will nevah be real. We get high!
I mean you set some of those substances on fire, and drop other ones into a dark pit full of acid. I know you mean well, but if that’s not abuse then I don’t know what abuse is.
“Oh, I’ll show you what abuse is.” – Tyreek Hill
It’s for the greater good. Trust me, you wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t buzzed. I wouldn’t either.
Gumbygirl I have known you to be delightful company no matter what your level of intoxication. I just meant that the way substances are consumed is pretty rough on the actual substances themselves.
There’s a Hippo’s bettor’s chance you and my uncle have been to multiple concerts separately without being aware of it or each other.
Or aware of anything, really! I’ve been to so many shows in Pittsburgh, I would say there’s zero chance I haven’t been in your uncle’s vicinity, if he’s old like me.
Like a fucking LADY.
AI: Thank you. Are you an alcoholic or substance abuser, and all your acquaintances are either or both?
[Logs off, resets cellphone to factory settings]
I can’t even get past this part because I’m laughing so hard. Don, you magnificent bastard.
Re: Tinnitus. I have it in my left ear. It’s there pretty much all the time, to the point that, at least at its current level I barely even notice it. I had some success dealing with it in the past with a B12 supplement, (still take every morning; not like it’s fentanyl), and once saw an acupuncturist who has some training in ears, although it settled down before we got to the “sticking needles in my ear” part, which I’m still not sure I would have actually gone through with. Also I run a fan every night so as to sleep.
Hope that fairly useless and almost certainly based on medical quackery advice helps!
I hate when people talk about tinnitus because it makes me aware of my own. It’s otherwise mild enough that I don’t really notice it.
WOOO LOS ANGELES BASKETBALL
Game 1 is everything maybe.
I have no problem cheering for the Clippers
I’ve seen them more than any other NBA team.
The tickets were cheap or free in most cases.
Thanks Don T. If AI would clean out my storage shed I’d be all in. But seriously my youngest has a PhD in psychology, works as a researcher at a university developing methods for early detection and treatment for kids with learning disabilities. I see the massive data she works with. That could be a logical field where AI could help mankind.
I feel like Mason Plumlee was born in the wrong era. He’s really more of a 1930’s Germany type player.
Watching The Bourne Supremacy. It’s a national disgrace that Julia Stiles didn’t get more work.
Apparently, it’s by choice. She wants to raise her kids, like Rick Moranis.
Rick Moranis is her kid? I did not know that.
No dummy, he means she wants to shrink her kids to the size on insects, then try to run them over with a lawnmower.
Having raised two kids I’m in no position to say that she’s completely wrong here.
I wish she had done an adaptation of every single Shakespeare play. Maybe we should figure out a way to interpret the Bourne movies as such just to get her count even higher.
She did a really weird series where she was a hooker. Might have been on the internet. ‘Blue’ something or other. Not a lot of nudity in it. In what I suspect are not-unrelated reasons I lost interest in it and never bothered to find out how it ended.
Literally the Dr. Mrs. right now except her gift was a jump rope.
Better tell her that’s not how a jump rope works.
True fact: I can still skip a rope. And work a speed bag and a heavy bag.
You want a workout? Hit a heavy bag for 3 minutes.
That shit will wear you out!
Tru dat. And 3 minutes in the ring feels like 3 hours. Smokes dem drawers.
Truth!
Dating is hard…
One year after Peggy and Bill finally ran off together.
Not like it’d be hard to track Peggy down – just follow the trail of size 16 footprints.
It’s not like it wasn’t perfectly obvious before, but that Argentina projection map really drives home how neatly the east coast of Sud America and the west coast of Africa fit together.
thats jst that libratded CRT making u sheeple JESUS sais earths flat
Perfect fit if not for Recife, an obvious Brazilian butt job.
Pangea would like a word
And in a few thousand years it will be back to that
Right. Just like Coach Reid had “a few” popcorn shrimp as an appetizer.
I ate a healthy, well-rounded dinner, and even sensible dessert tonight.
This frees me up to eat cheeseburgers and pizza the rest of the week, right?
As long as you mix in some chicken strips for healthy white meat.
Seafood is healthy, right? So a big plate of linguini with clams is practically health food, right? Asking for a friend.
.
Drink some beer for lubrication and you should be fine.
I commend you for being able to say you TRIED therapy, but paid $0.00 for the experience. Dat’s good hustle, my man.
Also – Heh, I don’t think ah can be saying that 3rd Colombian team name, Sen. Tuberville done tricked me already this week! – Jefferson Beauregard S., Lickspittle, AL
The Canuckian women are absolutely destroying the Don’t Take Away Ma Special Guns team, 2-1.
I wasn’t watching. How did it end?
I can refer yinz to the first doctor with expertise in multiple fields:
ELIZA has been my AI therapist for over 30 years.
Mine too
HAWT 9/10 wud at least pretend 2 listen
If she was from Saudi Arabia I’d give her a 9 out of 11.
I’d let her find MY Hidden Imam, if you know wut ah mean!
/Hippo has no goddamned idea what he means
//I guess no Allahdamned idea
Somewhat off-topic but my son has a new job and was telling me that they’d given him a task that had a huge say in whether or not a $50 million project would go forward. I asked him how he was handling it and he just shrugged and said “inshallah, it’ll work itself out.”
Kid’s gonna be the fucking CEO in 2 years with that attitude.
I have Faith that she can Bring It On
Btw, Real Cabrones is chef’s kiss. I need to use that…
I’m watching the USFL. Send help!
Same.
/Hands Redshirt the XFL schedule
This is by far the best thing about AI I have ever read, and that includes alternate acronym meanings like ‘Air India’
https://images.app.goo.gl/shjtwm4S7wG6FcHx8
If anyone wants to go down a fun rabbit hole,
here’s one inspired by “Universidad Pedagógica Nacional Francisco Morazán”:
Francisco Morazán was the second president of the United States of Central America. Yes, that was a thing. Read here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Republic_of_Central_America
So, if anyone thinks, “Why don’t they just get together to fix their problems?”, the Simpsons did it .