Tonight’s post category comes from my stomach. As a good American, fast food has comprised an unhealthy percentage of my diet since I was young. I have eaten at almost every fast food place you can think of and, over the course of the years, I have developed a list of items that I will order every single time I’m at a particular place. Tonight I’m discussing my favourite ones. If I could put these together as a Frankenmeal, I would. I suppose this is possible nowadays with Doordash but I refuse to use Uber and Lyft and any of those services that pay their workers shit while avoiding providing them health insurance.
As I mentioned in the first post, the plan is for this to be an ongoing off-season series on Saturday nights in which I present to you my five favourite somethings and then you comment and tell me:
- How I’m wrong
- Your Top Five
- Suggestions for the next top five list
Without further ado, I present to you my Top Five Items to Order at Fast Food Places!
1 – Mountain Dew Baja Blast Zero (Taco Bell)
The colour of it makes it seems like it’s a mixture of antifreeze and Blue Curaçao. However, the taste of it is amazing. I even have my dad hooked on these.
The thing I love the most is that the name is the flavour. It’s not “pineapple-coconut” or “cherry” or “blue raspberry”. It’s fucking “Baja Blast”!
The other thing I love is that it is only available at Taco Bell. They have an exclusive deal with Mountain Dew. I think you can buy cans or bottles of it somewhere but they’re extremely rare. The rarity gives it value. “Caché”, if you will.
Pros:
It is fucking delicious.
There is no other soft drink like it.
Cons:
The only place you can get it is at Taco Bell.
2 – McDonald’s French Fries
There are rumours that McDonald’s French Fries taste so good because they are fried in beef fat. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I do know that McDonald’s French Fries are the gold standard for fast food French Fries.
As a Wee Balls coming to the US from México, McDonald’s was the ultimate symbol of America. Even to this day, if I’m traveling anywhere around the world, the sight of the Golden Arches brings a piece of home to me.
Like most things in America, you don’t want to know how they’re made. You just want to know that they’re consistently delicious and they’re there for you any time you want. And isn’t that a metaphor for happiness in America?
Pros:
Best fries in the game.
I don’t know how they do it, but they’re perfectly salted.
Cons:
It seems the Woke Police have decided that McDonald’s French Fries are not good for you and have forced McDonald’s to reduce their sizes. STAY OUT OF MY CHOLESTEROL-CLOGGED ARTERIES!
3 – Jack in the Box 2 Tacos for 99 cents
This is another one from my youth. Quick story time: When I was young and we were fresh-arrived to this country, my family and I went to San Diego for a weekend getaway. On Saturday night, after a long day of sightseeing, my mom had a craving for tacos. Unfamiliar with our surroundings, we saw a Jack in the Box and saw the poster for the 2 for 99 cents deal.
Sold!
As you can probably guess, my mom was extremely disappointed. She said, “These aren’t tacos!”
Indeed they are not. However, they quickly became a family favourite. No, they’re not Mexican food. They’re their own thing and they’re delicious.
Pros:
Delicious and cheap.
Available anywhere at any time.
Cons:
Do not expect them to be real Mexican food.
4 – In-n-Out Double Double Animal Style
You’re probably familiar with the “secret menu” at In-n-Out. The animal style burger is different from the regular burger in several key ways:
- It has grilled onions.
- Mustard is applied to the patty and then the patty is grilled.
- Pickles!
- Lots of secret sauce.
This transforms the regular In-n-Out burger, which is already pretty good on its own, into something you crave repeatedly.
Seriously, I try not to eat red meat very often. When I do, though, and I want a burger, that’s the burger I get.
Pros:
Tastes so good, makes you want to slap yo momma!
Cheapest of the “best” burger places (looking at you, Five Guys and Shake Shack!)
Cons:
There is always a line at In-n-Out. Luckily, it usually moves pretty fast.
5 – Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich
The one that started the craze and spawned so many copycats. Seriously, it’s like everyone has to have a chicken sandwich on their menu!
But Popeye’s is the original and still the best. The chicken is juicy and perfectly fried. The pickles are the perfect complement. The bun by itself is soft and fluffy and delicious. Together, I can see why it was impossible to get one a few years ago when they first came out.
This sandwich has stood the test of time and it’s still amazing.
Pros:
Healthier than a burger. Barely.
Cons:
I always end up wanting to order desserts at Popeye’s when I get a chicken sandwich, but they keep rotating them and they don’t always have the ones I want!
***
What say you in the comments?
I don’t want to miss that breakfast buffet. If I fall asleep, zero chance I make it there.
I’m back from my 25th college reunion. I crashed the banquet late because I’m too cheap/poor to pay the registration fee, but I don’t feel bad about it because I didn’t have any food or drink. It was nice to see people – same as it was five years ago – but this time I didn’t get shitfaced with the students. I will say that they seem much happier and sexier than when I was a student, and I’m glad for them. I am pretty disappointed that beer pong is still the king of drinking games – part of the fun of drinking games is getting creative with them and there’s none of that anymore, it seems. Oh, also I grabbed a few bottles of liquor that we haven’t touched in a couple years and gave them to the kids that live in my old room. And a huge jar of weed, I hope it doesn’t mess up their studying for finals.
For some cheap tasty grease, get 2 singles w cheese at the redhead for 6 bux, and slap em together. Mmmmmmm. So bad yet so gooooooooood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gem85-Pxc9g
My Oilers buddy in Thunder Bay is in for a night…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRYC4HvMfUE&ab_channel=keepforgettinglogin
So you doing a bit of celebrating about the Stillers haul? Seems like KHAN!!!!!!! did well. ( ‘course you never know until 3 -4 years later, really)
https://steelersnow.com/steelers-receive-an-a-draft-grade-from-pff/
Ask me February 2027.
Yup.
Danny Boy won the off-season six or seven times in the 2000s.
It’s a new(ish) regime, and to be honest, their drafting hasn’t been terrifc the last decade or so. For every David DeCastro and TJ Watt, there’s been Artie Burns and Devin Bush. Their second-round picks were a wasteland for years, too.
Ayup. Don’t really know how a draft went until 3 -4 years down the road…
Still, nice to see KHAN!!!!! wheeling and dealing to get the players they wanted.
I don’t know how you can complain about a player you can boo and then tell people you were saying “Boo-urns”.
Or, as Linus said “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The proof of the pudding lies under the crust”
If you ever want to feel like a glutton, go to Burger King and get their Bacon King burger. Two giant patties smothered in cheese, a huge pile of bacon, topped with only mayo and bacon.
In full disclosure, I worked at BK as wee lass. At the end of my shift I would make basically the same, but there was three patties. So I’m basically on a diet now.
THAT GOAL I CALL IT PEARL HARBOR BECAUSE YAMAMOTO HAS…Oh, shit, I already made this joke.
“Hyman busts in”
Well, if ‘Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret’ taught me anything it’s that that is not how it works!
Marika and I gonna catch the game today.
WOOOOOOOO!!
Also, thank you for your artistic contributions.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/apr/28/too-provocative-mermaid-statue-causes-stir-in-southern-italy
That’s my kind of statue!
I gotta agree… those are bolt on’s…
Oh man, Skinner’s stick did break. I’ve never seen a clearer sign that someone needs to get right with God than that. Friggin’ yikes.
Absolutely brutal. The McDavid boulder just got heavier on the first ascent.