Good evening, sir and/or madam. I’m sorry to interrupt you on such a beautiful Spring night, but have you heard the Good News of Kaylon Nakia “Poona” Ford Jr.? 5’11, 315+ pounds of Sheer Fireplug Grit.

Look at that monster. But a jolly monster. The kind of monster who is friendly to bunnies and would only eat your entire village if it were, like, really critical to do so.

Ford, an undrafted free agent who made himself a force on Pete Carroll’s defense, turned down more money to sign with Your Most Exalted Buffalo Bills to lend weight to their already formidable defensive front. Given that he was a fan favorite in the dreary shithole that is Seattle, I can’t wait for his reaction to the warm, stinky embrace of the Buffalo fanbase. Every article I read refers to him as an “elite penetrator,” which may be my second favorite Dirty Football Descriptor after “oily hips”.  Go Bills.

OTHER NEWS:

-Hey, remember the end of The Graduate, when Benjamin Braddock and Elaine Robinson break with their conventional lives, make their mad dash out of the church and climb into a bus to escape toward a bright future together? And remember how their beatific, loving smiles start to slowly fade as the reality  starts to dawn on them?

Yeah, that’s the Packers right now.

Flush with the success of finally breaking up with yet another emotionally twisted, manipulative weirdo of a Hall of Fame QB, the Packers entered the draft feeling pretty good. After the traditional Drafting of a White Defender in the first round, they decided to walk on the wild side and draft not one but two pass catchers in the second round. Steins full of beer cheese soup for everyone!

But then the draft was over. Looming was Fifth Year Option Election Day for 2020 first-rounders including…Jordan Love.  The Anointed. The man you traded up to draft instead of Jonathan Taylor or…um…Jalen Hurts. It was time to show the strength of your convictions, pick up his fifth year option and talk about how you look forward to signing him long-term.

“Yeah, I’ve got to figure that out by Tuesday, I guess, yeah,” [Green Bay General Manager Brian] Gutekunst said. “We’re kind of still working through that. We’ve been so focused on the draft. We’ve had some preliminary conversations, but we’ll get to that before Tuesday.”

Wow. But everyone gets behind, right? A little procrastination doesn’t hurt when you know you can make the unilateral obvious decision, right?

“It’s a lot of money for a guy who hasn’t played. But at the same time, obviously, we’re moving forward with him. So, we’ll figure that out by Tuesday.”

Jesus Christ. You can just feel the confidence and resolve of a Leader of Men coming off Not Ted Thompson.

Whelp, Gutekunst suited actions to words. Although in this case, that means making a half-hearted gesture signaling essentially zero belief in Love.  Instead of picking up Love’s $20.27 million fully-guaranteed option for 2024, the Packers instead signed him to a one year extension for 2024, worth “up to” $22.5 million, but with only $13.5 million guaranteed. This is essentially betting against Love actually being your quarterback of the future, since all this really does is make it cheaper to cut him in 2024.

Conversely, Love bet on himself, which, I mean…

If he has a really good year this year, he’s going to regret not forcing the Packer’s hand. Based on these quotes, there was a 50% chance they would have declined the option and taken their chances with him walking (or having to use the franchise tag). While I can’t imagine him putting up Lamar Jackson numbers or winning a Super Bowl in his walk year like Joe Flacco, he would have gotten at least a Derek Carr deal with a promising season.

Either way, I feel for my Cheesehead brethren who- for the first time since 1993- have uncertainty about their quarterback.

Wait, no. I don’t feel for them at all on that account. Man, fuck you guys.

– Notable Players Who Had Their Options Declined: Isaiah Simmins, Mekhi Becton, Clyde Edwards-Hilarious

-Henry Ruggs III agreed to plead guilty to being a reckless, deadly fuckup and now faces 3-10 years in prison versus a potential 50.  Run faster, fuckhead. You will never outrun this.

-Feeling good after the Draft is no crime; it’s one of the few unalloyed joys one can have as a football fan. But I’m an asshole, so here are some draft picks that fans should not feel nearly as good about as they do right now (a.k.a. the Mel Kiper “Ryan Leaf is So Mature” Cold Shower)

-JALEN CARTER (Eagles): yes, he’s really talented. But even his own coaches seem to hate him. Leaving aside the Ruggs-esque disregard for the lives of people around him, he fucking flubbed his pro day. This is literally the single most important day of your professional life. Showing up completely out of shape and not being able to complete his position drills- that’s insane. Dude gained 9 pounds in less than 2 weeks between the combine (where he didn’t do anything physical) and his pro day. You aren’t a boxer trying to make weight and then rehydrating with IVs. Assuming two QBs would have gone first and second in the draft regardless, Carter likely cost himself $15 million dollars dropping from 3 to 9. Maybe he’s Lawrence Taylor and he can make all the shitty decisions in the world while still succeeding. But Eagles fans trying to convince themselves that “The Structure Around Him” on the team will make him straighten up need to get their heads out of their asses and look around.

-HENDON HOOKER (Lions): So I understand Detroit’s hot-cold relationship with Jared Goff. Great season followed by Walking Dumpster Fire seems to be both his pattern and his vibe. And getting a guy who was on a straight path to the Heisman before getting injured in the third round is great when you don’t have any expectations of him starting this year. But he’s going to be 26 before he sets foot in a real game. I bring this up not on the “Curse of the Older QB” track, but on the “why is he that old” issue. He played for three years at Virginia Tech and was middling/gadgety.  He transfers to Tennessee and gets into the Hot New Offense of Josh Heupel (gag) and suddenly he is a whole different QB. An old, injured rookie who has all the markings of a System Quarterback? Lions fans, don’t throw away your paper bag masks just yet.

CHRISTIAN GONZALEZ (P*triots): Nothing wrong with him- he’ll probably be a really good player and a steal at 17. But you’re a NE fan, so you really deserve to feel worse than you do.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Ether. #BFIB