The draft is over, it’s a new month, and there’s still time to get my mother something. Praise Gamblor.

The stress is real, because down here in PR Mothers’ Day is, not-really quietly, the holiest of days. If you take your mother to lunch, it can’t be hurried. If you go to visit and are caught looking at the clock, the penance is standard: you have to listen to two full anecdotes you’ve heard a thousand times, without interruption, and then acknowledge: “You dominate over all human affairs expertly. And your hair [chefs kiss]”.

The bad news is she’s your mother, the only person who can see right through you. So it’s a test of temperament and skill, sure. But as I’ve advised before: sometimes you have to put all your faith in narcotics.

NFL NEWS

Tonight’s items are from espen and espen deportes, which do not have the same mews. I’ll alternate between both:

-Bills will spend 1.540 million USD in a new stadium. The item calls the current stadium vetusto—what a word. Spanish is the best. But this period / comma thing in figures is unnerving. And for me it’s more confusing than the lemon / lime thing. Of the two, I pick the green. Which I guarantee you is the other one in Spanish.

-The Clots release Nick Foles.

-The Giants sign DT Dexter Lawrence for “four” years and “90” million USD. Only Messrs. Donald and Simmons are paid higher at the position.

-Two Qaron adjacent fodder: HC Saleh says a wish list for his new QB was a narrative, rookie Packers QB Sean Clifford gets QA’s locker.

-Jets sign Randall Cobb. That’s the 6^th Ex-Packer signed by the Jest. Full list, by espen deportes:

WR Randall Cobb

WR Allen Lazard

QB Tim Boyle

OT Billy Turner

OC / Butler Nathaniel Hackett

QB QAron

 

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central

Stanley Cup Playoffs

–Tirana (0-2) @ Florida – 5:30

I understand most of Canadá hates the Leafs, or as they are known during the playoffs, the Leaves. But, being a sucker for equal time,

 

Dallas (1-1) @ Kraken – 8:30

Via hfboards.com / postimages

I think we do.

 

Grandes Ligas

Doyers (Urías) @ Padres (Musgrove) – 6:00

 

NBA: Now Topical!

Nuggets (2-1) @ Suns – 7:00

 

Top Flight Fútbol

ARGENTINA

Estudiantes de la Plata hosts Vélez Sarsfield – 7:00

Tigre hosts Newells’ Old Boys – 7:00

 

HONDURAS

Real España hosts UPNFM – 7:00

Since last July, Real Cabrones (HON) has been undefeated in five matches against University Wolves.

Via wiki P / postimages

But it’s a whelming three draws and two wins for Real España, which reflects the overall grip of the Spanish monarchy over their ultramar territories by Century 19. The Nerd Lupi need to go all Filipino on the Reals.

 

COLOMBIA

A Bogotá derbi:

Millonarios hosts Independiente Santa Fe – 6:20

Millonarios is Colombia’s [spits on floor] Real Madrid. Santa Fe’s logo is high design:

Via Wiki P / postimages

Rooting for the Navels in this one.

Deportivo Pasto Wooooo! hosts Jaguares de Córdoba – 8:30

I had to fact check: Deportivo Pasto is from the city of San Juan de Pasto, and not actually affiliated with the sticky icky. I figured as much. Good weed turns you away from doing sports. And for most of Century 21, I lived near a Barrio Pasto. Alas, Toponymy is both muse and liar.

URUGUAY

Montevideo City Torque hosts River Pilates – 6:30

 

PARAGUAY

Guaireña hosts Olimpia – 6:30

Guaireña Fútbol Club is from Guairá Department—“Dept” meaning province, state, or prefecture. “Departamento” also happens to mean “apartment” in some Hispanic countries, “office” in others, and even “department” on a couple. But in all these countries, Este no es tu departamento is a nice “Fuck off”.

Anyway, Guaireña Fútbol Club was founded in—LOOK OUT

Via Wiki P / postimages

Talons out! [winces]. Meteoric rise through the Paraguayan fútbol pyramid by the Storming Pigeons. They’re peacefully wallowing in the relegation zone. Maybe punching above their weight but, in general, pissed off boids are delightful team mascots.

 

PERÚ

César Vallejo hosts Sport Boys – 5:30

Ok. César Vallejo is Perú’s most famous writer. A dark, bleak genius of early Century 20 that got impenetrable in his mid-career and therefore sequestered to the “No Way” part of the reading list for a degree I was pursuing. But, woah. Here’s a decent translation of  “The Black Heralds”:

There are blows in life, so harsh… I don’t know!

Blows like God’s wrath; like before them,

the backwash of all that has been suffered

was embedded in the soul… I don’t know!

 They are few; but they are… They open dark trenches

In the wildest face and in the strongest back.

Perhaps, they will be the colts of barbaric Atilas;

or the black heralds that Death sends our way.

 They are the deep falls of the Christs of the soul,

of some adorable faith that Destiny blasphemes.

Those bloody blows are the crepitations

of some bread that gets burned on the doors of our oven.

 And man… Poor… poor! He turns his eyes, like

when someone taps us on the shoulder;

he turns his crazy eyes, and all that has been lived

gets embedded, like a puddle of guilt, in his gaze.

 There are blows in life, so harsh… I don’t know!

 

Bonus: This might be the Jets’ season review if they start 1-7. Oop! Another game:

 

Alianza Lima hosts Carlos A. Minucci – 8:00

Carlos A. Manucci did squat shit in the international literary scene.

 

ECUADOR

Barcelona SC hosts Aucas – 6:00

 

BOLIVIA

Oriente Petrolero hosts Blooming – 7:00

Ahhh, after too long an absence, a petrolero returns to the bright Sunday lights. Los Petroleros are in safe-ish mid low table, Blooming is at the bottom.

 

VENEZUELA

Academia Puerto Cabello hosts Caracas FC – 7:30

Academia Puerto Cabello is NOT a beauty school. The city is called Puerto Cabello and the team is at the top of the Venezuelan table. The Academia’s home ground is the Complejo Deportivo Socialista de Carabobo, which if you translate in English, gets a “Yeah, no shit” snort from the NSA fella on the other side of your device.

 

FINALLY,

The NFL will release the 2023 schedule on May 11. That is this next Thursday, and I expect games being leaked during the week. I believe that the stars will align with the generalized worship for billionaires and the TNF slate will come out to be better than MNF. I mean the games themselves, not the pairings. There will be plenty of Bears, Giants, Jets, Non-Gendereds, Stillers, and Rams in prime time. I don’t think all will suck terribly this year, so

.

By this time last year, I wanted every AFC West game in Prime Time. That did not turn out too good. Yes, Justin Herbert got injured in that early TNF (and somehow kept in the game). Not good. The Donks [INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK]. And the Josh McDaniel Raiders gave the Chiefs a great game but lost to the Jeff Saturday Colts in the Reneging Bowl. Nobody knows how it will turn out.

Incidentally, that win was the only by the Clots under Saturday. The lowlight was the worst comeback loss in NFL history. The Clots led 33-0 at halftime and lost 39-36 to the Ca Ra Zeee 2022 Minnesota Vikings. I wouldn’t mind seeing Justin Jefferson a lot on prime time, even at the expense of Kirk Cousins.

So yeah, I think 2023 is the year that the TNF games turn out to be better than the MNFs. It is now up to Computer God to slate a TEN @ JAX Assico for a Thursday.

All gifs via giphy.com