[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

WE FINALLY FUCKING WON A GAME! GOD, THAT GETS MY DICK HARD. We’re going on a fucking ROLL from here on out. I can feel it. I’m vibrating out there like a goddamn 454 at a stoplight. I feel GOOD. I’m all the way back in on football. Fuck this TV show. You get one last one, because BOSS TODD’S GONNA WIN A FUCK YOU SIZED TROPHY REAL SOON!

Let’s send things off on a high note, why don’t we?

THE YOUABIAN PUMA

Model Year: 2013

Total units produced: 4

Vehicle type: A monstrous, completely irredeemable abomination

Engine: Chevrolet LS7 V8, 7.0 L, 505 HP, 470 ft-lbs. torque

Drivetrain: RWD

Transmission: 6-speed automatic

Gross weight: 6800 lbs.

0-60 time: 5.9 seconds

Top speed: 170 MPH

Vehicle cost: $895,000 – $1.1 million (2013 figures)

What makes this car interesting?

When you’re wealthy – and I mean truly wealthy – the world is your oyster. LA plastic surgeon Dr. Kambiz Youabian is one of those people. How else would anyone get the cash flow to design and build their own custom car?

Dr. Youabian’s main goal in designing the Puma is that he wanted a truly unique vehicle – one that would distinctly stand out from any other in existence. And thanks to his, well, bold visions, that is exactly what he got.

What the Puma is, exactly, is not the most straightforward question in the world to answer. It started the design process as a sports car, but quickly morphed into other things. The interior of the vehicle, including the electrically retracted convertible hardtop roof, started its life in a Volvo C70 coupe. Then, Youabian took a Chevy LS7 engine from a Corvette Z06 and dropped that in. Then, upon feedback from others during the design process that “people were tired of sports cars”, Youabian completely redid the entire thing as a monster truck, jacking up the frame high into the air, slapping on some gargantuan 44-inch tires, and fitting on some hulking fiberglass bodywork. The finished product is over twenty feet long, eight feet wide, and 72 inches tall. And yes, it’s entirely street-legal. The convertible hard-top can even be activated with the simple push of a button! Entirely handmade, each Youabian Puma took about two years to build and deliver – giving one good reason as to why there are so few in existence today.

As huge as it is – and it is obscenely large – it allegedly still manages to pull 22 mpg on the highway. If you’re absurdly tall, have too much money, and only three friends in total, then this may well be the vehicle you’ve spent your whole life waiting for!

What makes this car stupid?

I am willing to fucking bankrupt myself to say that Youabian clearly designed this vehicle as a Joseph Merrick fanatic.

The design is an affront to God. The bodywork clearly was plagiarized from a Helen Keller sketchbook. This thing weighs as much as a Hummer H2 – and despite it most definitely driving and handling better than its boxy comparison, it costs more than a Bugatti or Lambo. Some people may call automotive design like this “high art”, but those same dumbfucks also likely said the same about Leni Riefenstahl’s filmography.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

Let me be very clear. With the size of vehicle you’re dealing with, absolutely… at least from a physical size perspective. However, if we’re talking about anyone who’s willing to join you riding shotgun in one of these things… you better book yourself a VD testing appointment at your local walk-in clinic, STAT, because those people have a lifetime of immensely poor decisions behind them that have led them to their current juncture in life, which is to say that considering giving you a rear seat handy might somehow be a net positive experience in their lives. Do you really wanna fuck someone that’d be willing to fuck you in this thing?

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

God DAMN, it’s like if the Canyonero were made of chocolate and got left out in the hot sun. It’s the Homer 2.0. It’s big enough to be declared a new wing of the International Criminal Court which could be put to use to try and sentence Dr. Youabian for crimes against humanity.

Seeing this car in the wild must be like running into the Wendigo – it’s probably never, ever going to happen to you in your lifetime, but if it does… you will not see heaven. In fact, you’re probably not getting out alive if whoever is at the wheel decides they’re going to quickly change lanes on the interstate with you in the blind spot.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell, Jay Leno. GO ‘BOATS!

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more. A few seconds later off-screen, there’s a screech of tires and a crunching of sheet metal and broken glass. All is silent for a few seconds. Finally, a very loud “FUCK!” is heard as the screen fades to black and the credits roll.]

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro. 

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Thanks to everyone who’s enjoyed this series over the last few months – it has been a real treat for me to get to tag along with Coach Haley to learn all about the inner workings of the automotive industry. The [DFO] CFL Beat returns next week in this same timeslot – I look forward to once again bringing you news about the best football that Canada has to offer!  – The Maestro