Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Stop waiting for someone else to love you first [in bed].
J H Hard

Uh, go hard at it? haha.
But not too hard, ya know, don’t want to chafe or anything.

And today is the 18th anniversary of starting at my current company. Where does the time go?

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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Okay, so the garbage disposal I am installing didn’t come with a cord. And since the Dr. Mrs. drove off to Sacramento for a few days, I don’t have a car. So now I have to ride my bike to the damned hardware store. I’m not sure whether to make a THIS GUY joke using Eli Manning, or Britt Reid.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Send the Roomba to get it. It could probably use the fresh air.
Horatio Cornblower

 

Gumbygirl

Could Catherine the Great count [in the fictional animal draft] since she’s got a little horse in her?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“a little”?
BeefReeferLives

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BeefReeferLives

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Shame they didn’t find him liable for the rape, and I wish they had awarded her more money, but it’s still nice to see they had no difficulty finding in her favor.

BREAKING: TRUMP: NO HE DID NOT RAPE. YES ON SEXUALLY ABUSED. YES SHE WAS INJURED. AWARDED HER $2M. YES HE DEFAMED HER. YES HE LIED. YES HE MADE THE STATEMENT WITH MALICE. YES SHE WAS INJURED. AWARD: $1M. REPUTATION REPAIR $1.7M. YES HE ACTED MALICIOUSLY. AWARD $280K…

— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) May 9, 2023

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A TV lady explained that even Ms Carroll wasn’t positive his P entered her V, only that his fingers did, and he definitely finished. Thus, the “no” on rape (defined in this case as P in V).

Apologies all around to anyone who is now ill after reading this.
SonOfSpam

“Your Honor, I honestly don’t know if his P went in. It was just so small.”

“IT DEFINITELY WENT IN. I HAVE THE BIGGEST P EVER. IT’S HUGE. GIGANTIC! THE BIGGEST IN HISTORY!”

Prosecution rests, your Honor.
LemonJello

One of the billions of reasons his lawyers don’t ever want him testifying.
SonOfSpam

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THIS LINDY RUFF I CALL HIM PHILLIPPE PETAIN BECAUSE HE’S LETTING THE VICHY DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT
WCS

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These New Jersey Devils I call them Robespierre because they are throwing Jack Hughes out there all over the place.
herodotus450

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RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [starts playing what he thinks is our current episode]

DR. MRS. DEADLY: [after two minutes of recap] We haven’t seen this yet.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [starts playing previous episode]

DR. MRS. DEADLY: We’ve already seen this.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Vacuum: /braces for two hours of work
WCS

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If I understand this correctly, if the Leafs win, they’ve won the Stanley Cup, right? Their fans seem awfully excited.
WCS

The scoreline update says “Objects on Ice” – I am hoping someone emptied a box of live rats?
King Hippo

The Sabres aren’t playing so it’s probably not a dildo
Doktor Zymm

Sabre…dildo…this gives me an idea…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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/wanders into clubhouse with half-empty bottle of Dalwhinnie and autographed Daniel Alfredsson jersey worn backwards

“Is this where the Leafs hate watch party is at?” [glugs from the bottle]
scotchnaut

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Thoughts and hysterical laughter:

“More information is emerging about the accident that put former TCU quarterback Bram Kohlhausen in a San Antonio-area hospital over the weekend.
Jim Reeves is tweeting out some more details. Reeves, who wrote a book about Kohlhausen’s time at TCU, says he is in critical condition in ICU…

Friends say Kohlhausen was hunting hogs from a helicopter and fell out from a height of perhaps 60 feet.”
BeefReeferLives

The last time I saw someone fall 60 feet while pursuing a hog was during the Reid family vacation to Hawaii when Tammy tried to hide the fact that their hotel was having a luau on the pool deck but Andy sniffed it out and did a cannonball from his hotel room balcony.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Kraken may have released too soon
King Hippo

Look, it happens, ok?
Dunstan

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The Cornblowers, 2023: Gut renovate kitchen/bathroom/dining room.

The Cornblower’s Heat & Hot Water System, also 2023: hey, is this a good time to shit the bed?
Horatio Cornblower

Mrs Scotchnaut: [has been to Montreal and Toronto in back-to-back weeks, has a trip to Turkey planned for July] “We need a new kitchen.”

Me: “We have to have a well-drilling company come in and drill further down and replace our burnt-out pump and our oldest is going off to college in September and we’re committed to buying more shares in our company. How is this all going to happen?”

Mrs. Scotchnaut: [giggles] “So I’m guessing I should cancel that meeting with the landscaping company?”

Me: “Yeah, for about four years.”
scotchnaut

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Thank you for reminding me about the ladder.
Horatio Cornblower

“And thank you for reminding me about the chute!” – Elisha
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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In the spirit of Sexy Friday this is the pizza we had for dinner tonight.

Trigo Wood Fired Pizza in Willimantic, CT. If you’re in the area and like pizza you should go. You should also tell me ahead of time and I will meet you there and buy you a beer. Then we’ll eat pizza, have a couple more beers, then decide to go the brewery up the street, have a few more beers, then decide to go play pool and play the juke-box at the dive bar across the street, and then you’ll get bedbugs because the apartments above were no-shit-for-real contaminated with the little bastards and then look at that, I’ve ruined another friendship.

The pizza is really good though, and more importantly bedbug free.
Horatio Cornblower

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THESE MAPLE LEAFS, I CALL THEM WEST VIRGINIANS, BECAUSE THEY JUST GOT FUCKED BY COUSINS
Dunstan

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Ok, here goes…

(ties Panthers bandanna, streaks through Clubhouse)

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dunstan

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So one of you Canucks explain the Toronto hate to me. It seems like a nice city and the team’s certainly not one you can hate because they win too much. I’m very confused.
Horatio Cornblower

Absolutely not. The Leafs and their fan base are the absolute worst. They’re the wealthiest team in the NHL, partly due to being owned jointly by our two largest telecom and media companies, and sports media. They absolutely dominate the airwaves across the country, even in the middle of many other diehard fandoms, much to the chagrin of other fan bases, in part because the media companies wants to promote their valuable asset. Coupled with the aggressive buffoonery of Leafs travelling to away games across the continent, to the fact that their home rink is a mausoleum due to the 100-level seats being used predominantly as business meeting expenditures by individuals who are mostly just attending for status and social clout… oh, and not to forget the absolutely sociopathic local media, who are so determined to carve out a nice for themselves despite their utter lack of talent, they take to covering absolutely asinine or utterly irrational angles of takes (“Why does William Nylander [leading the team in playoff scoring and being one of the best players in the league on a bargain contract] play with no heart or soul?”), or worse yet, literally just invent awful shit out of whole cloth (“Phil Kessel can’t get this team over the hump because he’s eating a hot dog from the same cart on his walk to the rink every single day” Steve motherfucking Simmons). It’s an absolute race to the bottom.

Toronto fans are a microcosm of how the average person becomes easily mired in mediocrity over the course of a lifetime. The leafs cater to a clientele that still has to manually breathe sometimes. Losing is so thoroughly entwined with the culture that it’s become a virus.

In sum, for these reasons, and many more, the Toronto Maple Leafs are a virus on society. To take them out back behind a barn to put them out of their misery would be too simple for us, Rather, like the traitors and cowards of society, we need to make an example of them – the rest of us need to despise in order to remember to never accept mediocrity, ever.
The Maestro

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The end of the Snyder era was made official today!

Doktor Zymm

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Thought of a funny-

Why did Woody Allen not get prosecuted under the law for his early relationship with Soon-Yi Previn? He got grandfathered in.
scotchnaut

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I was reading a book about food and there was mention of a recipe, “Oysters in Gravy Bastard” and I can’t help thinking there should be a comma in there.
scotchnaut

/registers “Gravy Bastard” as DFO burner account
Dunstan

I saw Gravy Bastard open for Chainsaw Dildos one summer…
LemonJello

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It’s a good thing Boston Bruins fans think soccer is too gey to pay attention to, or else we’d hear “WHOEVAH HAS THE MOST POINTS IN THE REGULAH SAYSON WINS? THAT’S FAHKING AWESOME! WE AHH THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND…” (smashes bottle of Twisted Tea over “friend’s” head)
Dunstan

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Unrelated tonanything else, I just love this clip
Brocky

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A hockey coach that I respected once told me, “The 3rd is the most dangerous of all the periods”.*

*may not have happened
scotchnaut

I’m pretty sure the missed period is the most dangerous of all periods.
Horatio Cornblower

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Found a funny:

A Möbius strip walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong, buddy?” The Möbius strip replies, “Where do I even begin?”
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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For Mothers day today Wifey could have her pick, dine out or home cooked by me. She chose one of her favorites from 2Packs kitchen. Hand made burger with fresh butcher shop meat, swiss from YR and my Cheese Chick and fresh grilled mushrooms. And it was good.

My next couple of screw ups have been paid forward.
2Pack

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One of the things I love about my mother, she moved away from central PA so I could grow up somewhere less crappy
Doktor Zymm

My father kept us in Ohio, passing on a higher paying job in North Carolina, less than an hour’s drive from the coast.

This is why Mother’s Day gets flowers, but Father’s Day gets impersonal ties.
Redshirt

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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