Of Age – Offseason Sunday Open Thread

The last couple of weeks I’ve stumbled upon articles about child labor violations in the US rising since 2015. Citing worker shortages, at least ten states have loosened child labor laws. I’m on record at hating kids, but I gotta say: 10 year-olds working in McDonalds, up to 2 AM for little or no pay is an outrage.

Incredible. The afternoon shift should be standard for 8-13 year-olds. But once they’re 14, kids are of age. Able to drive a car, smoke, steal liquor, and start codependent relationships / procreate. And, therefore, 14 year-olds are perfectly capable to close up the store PLUS square the cash register, after learning how to hack it from two web videos. Before you protest, sigh. Every 14 year old knows where to buy the narcotics to get them through a closing shift. You gotta learn to trust young people.

I bet some of those teens would make a point of taking leftover food for home or to the homeless. I mean, psht. You have to throw the leftovers away—or, if you take the food for yourself, that’s stealing. Classic logic from middle managers of age, whose greatest fear is the waves made in the workplace. Just be quiet and your time theft will be honored, is the motto. It’s not Veni Vidi Vici, but you get paid for dicking around on your cellphone.

NFL NEWS

-The Qards qut DeAndre Hopkins, who is definitely of age (30). Nobody knows exactly how much is left on the Nuk tank but, hypothesis: Hopkins can contribute. Proof: the Titans, historical deposit of washed WRs,* are not in the hunt. Thus, there’s juice.

* Randy Moss, Andre Johnson & Julio Jones. Moss, has to be said, later retired, unretired and went to the 49ers AND

appeared in an Owl while a Niner!

-In New Orleans, Derek Carr was reunited with Jon Gruden, mentor (2018-2021) and cautionary tale (2021-¿?). The item was behind a NOLA.com paywall, but SaintsWire says Gruden was “brought in”, not hired to the Saints coaching staff. But Jon and Nola are a great fit. You cannot find a better pariah halfway house outside the Paris of the South. Mmm… Maybe Grozny.

-The NFL and DirecTV [spits on ground] closed a deal for Sunday Ticket broadcasts in “restaurants, bars, hotels, and” blah blah blah. YouTube TV put a small nation’s worth of imaginary money to get the Sunday Ticket for the web, starting in the 2023 season, and YouTube TV is seemingly available everywhere BUT Puerto Rico. I may have to get a fokin Cuban VPN to be able to watch YTTV in a GOD DAMN U.S. TERRITORY. You’re worthless! [Opens drawer, gives passport the finger.] And Paramount+ can get fucked too.

And that is the last winging I’ll do about it. Now that I’m of age, I can appreciate the Old School maxim “suffer in silence”. In my case, that means stew in silence, but I would definitely add “plot in private”. [Googles FCC website, cellphone pings, Uuu je je un video de capybaras]

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

Grandes Ligas

Filis (Covey) @ Bravos (Strider) – 6:00

Stanley Cup Playoffs

World War 2 Vintage GIF by US National Archives - Find & Share on GIPHY

Tomorrow night, sawrrie, Hey, if Kissinger’s getting pop, might as well jump on the wuvable genocider bandwagon. Hope K’s eventual death marks the end of an age.

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Schedule via espendeportes, information-y contentstuffs from via Wiki P.

Honduras

Olimpia hosts Olancho – 6:00

Olancho got to the Honduran top flight in 2022, but was founded in 2016. OUT of age.

EE.UU.

Nashville SC hosts Columbus Crew – 7:30

This listing is all about diversity coño.

Secsi Mexi

Guadalajara hosts Tigres – 8:35

If Guadalajara wins, city rival Chivas is the Clausura 2023 Champion—and, AND El Forastero in Guadalajara, will give away free tacos:

Now THAT is a clear, binding promise. Put on your Chivas shirt, arrive 9:30 – 10:30, and you walk away with 3 free tacos at most. Drink, not included. Guadalajara jersey? You will be laughed to death while getting your teeth kicked in. That is not on the contract / banner. It’s just common sense. Furthermore,

, obligatory.

 Perú

Triple header down by the Andes. I’m guessing. Nawt gonna fact check topography.

Sport Huancayo hosts Sporting Cristal – 6:00

Carlos A. Mannucci hosts Melgar – 6:30

Gotta say: love the Melgar crest

Alianza Lima hosts Deportivo Binacional – 8:30

Argentina

Newell’s Old Boys hosts Godoy Cruz Antonio Tomba – 7:30

Both teams ate mid-table in the 28-team farrago that is the Argie top flight. Godoy Cruz is the city, “Bodega Antonio Tomba” the business that gave them their first playing grounds. And thus is the origin story of Team Mouthful. The bit-consistent Old Boys are a famed club. Maradona played there, as did 23/24 Chelsea head coach Mauricio Pochettino, plus Gabriel Bati-Gol Batistuta, one the best fútbol players anywhere in the 90s. The current coach is Gabriel Heinze who, as an of age player, developed leadership–of the Bill Laimbeer type.

Ecuador

El Nacional hosts Barcelona SC – 6:00

Colombia

¡Oh sí!

Atlético Nacional hosts Alianza Petrolera – 6:05

América de Cali hosts Independiente Medellín – 8:15

Bolivia

Universitario de Vinto hosts Real Santa Cruz – 6:30

FINALLY,

Not to construct a Lawrence Kasdan mortality musings outlet and all here, but I like that with age comes: (1) the perspective of having gone through stuff, and ( 😖 ) maintaining the memory of fuckups, barely-made-its, and “Never break the ice with Hitler”. Experience can really take the edge off the worry, anxiety, and endless speculating about machinations against you–imaginings that in a hyper mind hopped up on, say… Nicotine gum may trigger the FIGHT / I’M FUCKING LEAVING response.

Trust past experience and go about in an open and mellow manner: this is what I tell myself every day. As a result, I’ve started letting go of trivial stuff. Here’s empirical proof, the last page of Monthly Slights (May, 2023)–less than 30 entires!

 

Regardless, barbaric stuff is not be tolerated. By which I mean: if you have a table that goes over one page, put the heading on the second page and all subsequent pages. This is how I try to inspire morans and loafers who tell the reader “Please sigh and skip over my data”.

PS- Per Ari Meirov, today is the 15th Sunday of the offseason. There are 15 more Sundays to go for the season. If you watched “Patriot” on Amazon, you know all you need is 50% plus very little more, and you’re there. I have to watch that series again.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Fronkenshteen

I wish I had a giant, leather-bound volume of Don T’s “monthly slights”.

Gumbygirl

Later taters. Tomorrow we Memorial!

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ballsofsteelandfury

No free taco hour!

yeah right

Dude! We grilled carne asada today.

Don’t tell anyone because it may make a Sunday Gravy post.

Fucking perfect.

Doktor Zymm

So…how might I steal a capybara? Purely a theoretical question. From the Lincoln Park Zoo, specifically
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Doktor Zymm

Anyone want to come over and scratch my back? I’ll trade cocktails for scritches

herodotus450

Prodigal Son PFT Commenter is apparently moving back to Chicago for some podcast he’s on, maybe he’s free?

Doktor Zymm

I’m only there on Thursdays, Bay area rest of the time

herodotus450

The AmTrak takes that long eh?

Gumbygirl

Gumby has those bamboo back scratchers stationed all over the house. World market has the ones with the senorita handles, well worth it. He’d be out in the yard scritching against the cacti all day without them.

Doktor Zymm

Ooh! Well done! I need!

herodotus450

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Doktor Zymm

Totally know what to do with the corn
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herodotus450

Only explanation for the persistence of capybaras is that they must taste terrible.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anybody else just a teensy bit drunk?

Doktor Zymm

TINA – THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE

Gumbygirl

High as a kite! I’m gonna watch those capybara’s eat oranges again, I fucking love them.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh yeah.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1.5 glasses of cabernet, so…yes, actually.

Mr. Ayo

I blew past that flag pole about 12 hours ago

yeah right

It’s still early, we can get much drunker.

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus Fucking Christ. Give Sarah Goldberg all the Emmys.

Brick Meathook

hello!

TheRevanchist

Hello, there, Mr Meathook.

Doktor Zymm

Hiya!

WCS

This happened today:

https://www.wesa.fm/arts-sports-culture/2022-05-28/memorial-ceremony-to-take-place-at-uss-requin-submarine-on-pittsburghs-north-shore

Was there a Meathook in attendance? I assume every living submariner was.

herodotus450

Submarines can get to Pittsburgh!? IS nothing safe?!

Brick Meathook

I just wondered if anybody even noticed I wasn’t around. All’s well.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t assume anyone’s not around until at least 2 months have passed. Granted, this is conditioned behavioUr based on one person, but it’s served me well so far

Brick Meathook

My absence is a pretty good story. I’ll tell it one day if anyone wants to hear it

Brick Meathook

I just got a notification that someone liked one of my comments in The Wall Street Journal. That feels good.

Gumbygirl

Fuck, did you get another foot whacked off? [phrasing]

WCS

Good to see!

Mr. Ayo

I just asked like 2 weeks ago. So damn needy.

Can’t wait to hear the story though.

yeah right

Wish I still lived close enough to drive across the runways at LAX to buy you a goddamn beer!

Doktor Zymm

Every time I fly into LAX I try to pick out your old place

yeah right

It’s in the left.

yeah right

And by left I mean right.

Gumbygirl

Yeah.

Doktor Zymm

So, thoughts. While some organizations are clearly rotten and have multiple instances of just being horrible to the core (e.g. everything associated with Dan Snyder), I’m a bit conflicted about some others. It seems like pre Me Too/Catholic Church, it was totally normal for predators to operate pretty much ignored. So while I’m not saying places like Penn State acted well when they ignored a complete shitheel of a human who ruined many lives in their midst, I’m also not sure it’s fair to give places that were lucky enough to have no such person in their midst a pass in comparison. Everywhere that scrambled to fix their policies with varying degrees of success (looking at you Idaho!) in the wake of scandals aren’t innocent, they’re just lucky.

WCS

Most of the B1G can get burn, as far as I’m concerned. Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan State, Rutgers… fuck ’em all forever.

I’m not going to pretend to speak for victims or families, but I imagine most feel the same way.

Doktor Zymm

I support this mostly, although there’s still a ton of moral relativism at play. Michigan State had a huge role in integrating college athletics for example, so I think my approach is mostly blanket condemnation, with an exception for particular people who have proven not to be total dickfaces and, on the off-chance I ever need to pick between schools, I’ll do it based on how many non-dickfaces each school had.

WCS

Sadly, I concur. I can attest from ex-wifey’s experiences at UPenn, Ivy League is worse than state schools. Shocking, I know.

yeah right

The math checks out.

yeah right

This is the same rationale I’m telling myself for moving to Portugal.

Horatio Cornblower

10:30 is the series finale for ‘Barry’ on HBO. I am literally jittery with anticipation.

And 5+ shots of booze. That likely has something to do with it.

Horatio Cornblower

I realize that ‘Succession’ and a 90+ minute series finale today, but I’ve not watched more than 1 full episode of that one. If I wanted to see horrible people fight about succeeding a dying media oligarch I’d watch Fox News.

King Hippo

I hope HBO makes another series with the Sally Reed character/actress. She makes Hippo feel things.

Horatio Cornblower

Not after that finale. Goddamn.

Fucking well done.

yeah right

The Leftovers was my favorite series in like ever fucking EVER.

Doktor Zymm

The booze SHOULD calm them jitters, unless you’re making one of the drinks I specialized in during my early 20s.

1 bottle of BAWLS energy drink
2 shots of high proof liquor of your choice (recommend 151)
1 shot of almond caffeine syrup
1 effervescent energy/caffeine tablet – this will mix the drink for youf

Optional: Pop a couple ephedrine from GNC cuz they were still legal then

Doktor Zymm

To accompany – Caffeinated M&Ms

WCS

Doktor school is tough.

yeah right

Succession ended perfectly.

yeah right

Tomorrow.

Focused.

Horatio Cornblower

Tomorrow I am planting my tomatoes, peppers, and (for the first time), corn. For added fun I’m doing it on a patch of land that my neighbors own but which I’ve been using for various activities, (up to and including burying pets), since 1998.

Gotta love rural areas. Anyone withy any tips about growing corn from roughly 6″ (Deanna Favre sighs and logs off), transplants is welcome to chime in.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m also working up a butterfly garden in the same area. Got several plants going in tomorrow, unless I run out of time before heading out to a friend’s Memorial Day party. FOR THE TROOPS!

herodotus450

Apply for some goverment subsidies for that corn!

WCS

Or try scamming the state for money and reallocating it toward a volleyball court. It’s worked before!

Gumbygirl

You can grow fantastic corn in CT. Best in the country, in my opinion, and I’ve been all over. I don’t have any advice for the actual planting, or any of the corn related growth cycle, but I love to eat it. [phrasing] Good luck Horatio, may angels guide you to the Silver Queen!

Doktor Zymm

My buddy walked by a house growing corn in the tiny front yard on the West side of Chicago, so growing in actual land should be a snap

TheRevanchist

Corn is good if you have the right variety, much like tomatoes. Ask your local farmers about it at their favorite watering hole. You’ll get some good answers there.

Horatio Cornblower

Just had a fantastic margarita that I made all by myself.

Now moving on to beer, because as everyone knows “liquor before beer never fear”, even id that margarita you just made calls for (Stone Cold Steve Austin recipe), 5.5 shots of various liquors offset by 1.25-1.75 oz of lime juice.

Fuck it, I’m not driving.

Doktor Zymm

we said “in the clear”

Horatio Cornblower

That’s much better. Goddamn state school education.

WCS

“Liquor before beer, in the clear” is/was cousinfucker lingo, too. That’s about as state school as it gets.

King Hippo

As did we, but I also went to public skool…so maybe was more of a Mason/Dixon Line breakdown.

Doktor Zymm

My reference points are Maryland (NAWT clear re: north/south) and NYU (LIBRUL HAVEN PRIVATE SCHOOL)

WCS

My Detroit-native, current Cleveland resident (LOL) cousins all went to “M” B1G schools (Michigan, Michigan State, and Minnesota), and they’ve always said “in the clear.”

I guess it’s just random.

Doktor Zymm

Actually, sounds like it’s just Horatio who said ‘never fear’

WCS

We’ll just blame him. And the dwarf.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, he’s mute.

Ah, fuck. Never gonna hear the end of this one. Well, from you guys anyway.

King Hippo

I really regret never seeing Soundgarden live.

Doktor Zymm
Horatio Cornblower

This is a genuinely great song on its own, never mind being associated with an insanely great movie experience.

King Hippo

Not in Valley Girl, but still quite good:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REfPPpGIzDI

King Hippo

Tonight’s great goddamned idea, except that it sucks – a Metallica tribute band, that sings only in valley girl

Horatio Cornblower

And sues the fuck out of you if you show their videos to your friends.

King Hippo

fer sure fer sure

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s been decades since I was a Mexican citizen but damn that’s a good anthem!

WCS

Another 4th of July theater experience.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjFG-4Ge668&ab_channel=Movieclips

This one wowed me more than Jurassic Park, but JP has more staying power. ID4 is still a hell of a lot of fun. It was the first time in a movie theater people clapped at the end.

Doktor Zymm

Better with live augmentation ala Rocky Horror

King Hippo

As Memorial Day approacheth, I was wondering which DFO’er might have the most confirmed kills. But then I remembered, duh, Scotchy!

Last edited 1 year ago by King Hippo
herodotus450

I have a sash that conclusively answers that question, I think.

herodotus450

OK apparently it’s a belt, but i think a sash would allow for more visibility
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brave_Little_Tailor

Horatio Cornblower

If we’re opening it up to anyone who’s ever commented I would put a significant amount of money on BK109.

Doktor Zymm

The Blackhawks have an open Data Scientist position. It requires emailing a letter and resume to an actual person, so I’ll have to exert a small amount of effort, but what the hell, why not?

herodotus450

the send button is chatGPT’s one blind spot

WCS

Working for an NHL team would be an absolute dream come true of mine, but… the Blackhawks? That would pose an ethical quandary.

King Hippo

SABOTAGE, the way the truth and the light

King Hippo

/also shouldn’t they be called the Avian Persons of ColoUr now smgdh

Doktor Zymm

Probably the Mahkatêwe-meshi-kêhkêhkwas actually. It’s weird because they’re named after a specific guy (or rather, after a military division named after a specific guy), a leader of the Sauk tribe in the 19th century

Doktor Zymm

But so convenient since I still have my place in Chicago!

Horatio Cornblower

Change the system from the inside. I have faith in Doc.

Doktor Zymm

At the very least, I might eventually sue and get a large enough settlement that Congress investigates the team or something

Doktor Zymm

Apple spirit, cinnamon syrup, gin, angostura
Would totally top this with Martinellis if I had any around

scotchnaut

That time I was blown away while watching a movie. (there are several but I want to get the ball rolling)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsiMJDCWvFQ&t=2s&ab_channel=JoBloMovieClips

Gumbygirl

I haven’t seen that in years, I should track it down.For me, the most amazing one was seeing first run Star Wars when I was in high school. It was mind boggling, like watching alien technology or something, it was such a Great Leap Forward visual effects wise.

scotchnaut

A buddy of mine had some weed (we smoked it) and the only seats left in the theatre for Star Wars were in the front row. I thought I was going to lose my mind when the underside of that ship crawled across the screen.

Gumbygirl

Oh yes, I was high as fuck too [shocking] The X- wings were a trip. All of it, really. It felt like The Future!

WCS

I know things were different in the ’80s, but police randomly firing doesn’t happen to white guys.

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SugS3936s5g&ab_channel=VideoDetective

Also this for me. I was eleven in 1993, saw this Fourth of July weekend.

Gumbygirl

My son was 10. We saw it somewhere in CT, I remember it was hot as hell. It really was incredible.

Horatio Cornblower

I hope it wasn’t the Waterford multiplex; that place sucks.

WCS

30 years ago (!!) it might have been a lot better.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, you’ve clearly never been to Waterford.

scotchnaut

Well, white guys that knock up princesses…

WCS

Not without princess’ blessing/orders…

I’ve said (typed?) too much…

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
Horatio Cornblower

Who are you to disobey royalty?

scotchnaut

I don’t get it. “Poor Choices. Mixed Results”. I laugh every time I see it. Goddamn.

ballsofsteelandfury

I would be shocked if a voodoo doll was not a part of MonthlySlights.xls

WCS

Definitely read that as “monkey shines dot xls.”

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King Hippo

This film might be the one thing that scared(s) my little brother more than midgets.

King Hippo

I always called Newell’s Old Boys the NOBs. Because that is an insult that I am old enough to remember (Carlin liked it). Though that was probably spelled “knobs” but FUCK IT, close enough to amuse Hippo.

Plus, the NOBs were Messi’s “local club” and Lord knows he’s one of the biggest knobs EVAR.

Doktor Zymm

I think the spelling can go either way and that’s part of the fun, since it’s either ‘nob’ short for ‘noble’ or ‘knob’ as in slang for male genitalia, with, of course, the implication that they are one and the same

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
King Hippo

The nobility and male genitalia are both great sources of deep, abiding shame. TROOF.

WCS

Very true.

Doktor Zymm

My favorite part about those monthly slights is the pettiness of [sic] in that context

ballsofsteelandfury

The whole thing is fabulous

Doktor Zymm

I think most cities of size have something like City Harvest nowadays to distribute leftovers, much to the chagrin of the kinda bougie anarcho-punk community (aka me in undergrad) who really appreciated being able to dumpster Krispy Kreme, bagels, and pre-made sushi all within a block of their apartment

King Hippo

I always wanted to see a punk scene sub-genre that was slavishly devoted to live Lionel Richie performances.

Doktor Zymm

“We are the World Inferno Friendship Society” is about as close as we got

King Hippo

I think I speak for everyone when I say “Dok Zymm’s History of Punk” would make one badass post series!