![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
REV’S NOTE: Longtime commenter and multi-time Komment of the Week/Banner Quote winner LemonJello bravely volunteered to brave the murky-stadium-pool-water of Northern Florida to bring us the following Team Preview. Please enjoy
DUUUUUUVVVAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!
Recap of Last Season: 9-8, AFC South Champions (4-2 in division, 8-4 in conference) Matriculated to the Divisional Round of the Playoffs.
Amazing what changing your head coach can do to a franchise, innit?
After defeating the Clippers du Merde (mournful femur drums rumble in the distance) in the Wild Card Round and completing the largest comeback in franchise history (3rd largest in NFL postseason history), the season ended in Kansas City at the hands of the Chefs, where many a mammal has gone to slaughter and been served as a snack to Andy Reid. This was their first playoff appearance since 2017. If this franchise was sitting for their end of year review, they’d be rated “Exceeded Expectations” after the supernova-hot dumpster fire that was the Urban Meyer Era.
2023 Draft:
13 picks in total: 6 on offense, 7 on defense – notably OL help (Anton Harrison, Oklahoma in round 1) to keep Prison Girlfriend and his flowing locks upright and healthy as well as secondary depth at safety and corner.
2023 Free Agency:
Evan Engram got the franchise tag and then signed a new deal. Calvin Ridley was acquired in a trade with Atlanta and reinstated by the Ginger Hammer for the 2023 season. It will be interesting to see how Brandon McManus (late of Donks WOO!) kicks at sea level vice altitude.
Addition by Subtraction: Urban Meyer can continue to get right fucked.
2023 Schedule:
@Clots, Chefs, Bye(Houston?), Sherman’s Ashes(Wembley), “@”Bills Mafia(Tottenham), Clots, @Saints, @Stillers, Bye(Bye), 9ers, DonT’s Magnificent Tits, Bye(@Houston?), Bungles, @#ThePauls, Balmer, @Team MRSA, Black Panthers, @DonT’s Magnificent Tits, PLAYOFFS!
Year 2 of the Post-Urban Debacle sees the Jaguras trying to build on last season’s success and once again dominate the AFC South. The addition of a reinstated Calvin Ridley and re-signing of Evan Engram bolster the receiving group and should help Zay Jones and Christian Kirk avoid double coverage. Tank Bigsby looks to blitzkrieg opposing defenses and vie for snaps with Travis Etienne in the backfield. Trevor Lawrence continues to develop as a young NFL QB and prison yard eye candy. But, much like a dwarf at a urinal, he’ll need to stay on his toes. Doug Pederson bravely continues to fumigate the Urban stench from the office and hopes to get those weird stains out of the upholstery or else its all going to the dumpster.
2023 Season Prediction? 10-7 – builds on last year and will see them atop the AFC South once more, depending on the bountiful meth harvest and if any hurricanes blow through Duval County.
Stadium of the Future:
Jaguars ownership and the City of Jacksonville are working on a plan to renovate the current stadium as well as the downtown area surrounding it, at least until the intergalactic disgrace that is R. Goodell can secure a permanent home for the Jaguras across the pond. Sure, the Jags play 2 games overseas (1 home, 1 away) this season, but that doesn’t mean anything, right? Ha-no seriously, it doesn’t, does it? This mustache wouldn’t lie to you, would it?
Fun Fact: CJ Beathard is still in the NFL! He’s the backup in Jacksonville.
Alright, I’m off like a prom dress!
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.