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[intro Vikings team quarters]

/Coach Kevin O’Connell addresses the entire team

Coach O’Connell: “Holy geez guys! We’re gonna have a super swell season this year!”

Idiot QB: “Oh heck ya! It’s gonna be super swell!”

CO: “Oh heck ya. Super sweet!”

IQB: “Super sweet!”

CO: “Guys? I’m just gonna tell ya, I’m soo jazzed that each and every one of us get to be a part of something super special!”

IQB: “Super special!”

CO: “Oh heck ya!”

IQB: “Heck ya!”

Danielle Hunter: “Jesus Christ, Harry. I swear to fucking God if I have to listen to these two fucking yokels all season long, some motherfucker is going to get HURT!”

Harrison Smith: “I fucking know, listening to these two all day and I’m reaching for the fucking cyanide.”

DH: “For real though.”

HS: “Sure ain’t like the old Coach Zimmer days is it?”

DH: “Fuck nah. Coach Zim may have been an asshole but at least you knew where you stood with him. I mean new coach is alright but this corny-ass ‘Fargo’ shit is driving me to drink man.”

HS: “I’m with you bro. I’m right fucking there with you. Now, Coach Flores though? That motherfucker is CRAY-zee.”

DH: “Hell yeah, man. Just what we fucking needed too. Last year fucking sucked.”

HS: “That fucking defensive coach Donatell? What the fuck kind of scheme was that shit? We just all stayed in zone and there was no fucking juice, man. Passive as shit.”

DH: “Hell yeah man. I think he called it the ‘Stand in place in case the play comes to you’ defense. That shit SUCKED bro.”

HS: “Weakest ass shit defense I ever played. Like fucking EVER!”

DH: “Oh shit. Here comes Coach Flores now.”

Coach Flores: “Hey defense? Any of you motherfuckers want to go out and bust somebody in the fucking face?”

/entire defense stands up and cheers

CF: “Because we are most definitely gonna smash some fucking skulls this season!”

/defensive shouting reaches unlistenable intensity

HS: “That’s the shit I’m talking about, Danielle! Right fucking there!”

DH: “Shit yeah. This fucker wants us to ball!”

HS: “And blitz!”

DH: “And kill some motherfuckers!”

Coach Flores: “Are you ready to rip the other teams dicks off!?!?”

/defensive roar reaches decibel level of a jet engine.

CF: “There it is! That’s how I want you to play! Now guys, I got a little something that I want to show you. Something to get you fired up for the season. Can one of you rookies grab that cage from the next room? The one with the blanket covering it?”

/one of the players walks to the next room.

CF: “Now, I want to show you something. I use this thing for inspiration. Just gets me fired the fuck up every time.”

/the player wheels out a pallet jack with a covered cage on it. 

CF: “I found this little fucker in the woods not too far from here the other day. You’re gonna love this. This little motherfucker is FIERCE!”

/Harrison Smith and Danielle Hunter look at each other with a panicked expression. Their eyes bulge wide open.

CF: “This mean bastard is gonna be our new mascot on defense. You guys ready?”

/entire team is roaring with excitement.

HS: “Oh fuck!”

DH: “Oh shit no, man. SHIT NO!”

/from under the cover comes a terrifying sound

Covered Cage: “RIPSNARLGNAHSHTEARRENDGNASHGNASH!!”

Justin Jefferson: “Oh shit! I wanna see! Let me see!”

HS: “Danielle! GET JJ!!!!”

/Harrison Smith and Danielle Hunter sprint to Justin Jefferson’s seat and each one grabs an arm. They lift and carry him right out of the back of the meeting room and sprint to Smith’s truck.

HS: “GO GO GO!!!!!!”

DH: “OH FUCK OH SHIT LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

JJ: “What are you guys doing?”

/the two shove JJ into the cab of the truck as Harry fires up the engine.

DH: “GO! FUCKING DRIVE, MAN!!

/tires screech as the truck tears out of the parking lot

———————————————————–

There are no preconceived ideas of how this team will perform this season.

None.

As always the sky is the ceiling and the deep fiery depths of hell is the floor.

Same as last year, did anyone see a 13-4 record and a cake walk to a division title? 

Fuck no! Whoever tells you that bullshit is either a con artist or the most delusional Vikings fan in existence. I try to be neither.

Last season the Vikings offense was easily one of the more entertaining squads I can remember. Right up there with the 1998.…

/goddammit

Or the 2009..

/don’t even fucking start with that

Every single one of you have to admit that this was a fun as hell team to watch. They had one of the most insanely entertaining games of all time when they beat Buffalo IN BUFFALO! Damn near shit ’em watching that game.

Then there was the “Comeback” against the Colts.

After trailing 33-0 at the half the Vikings came all the way back to win 39-36 in overtime. Largest comeback in NFL history! This was the very week after they gave up 33 unanswered to Dallas. In Minnesota!

How did I fair watching that comeback?

I didn’t.

Yes, I did watch Cabaret instead.

I was utterly disgusted with what looked like another Vikings “No show” game and I can’t tell you how fucking sick I am with the no show games.

And Cabaret is a really good movie. 

In truth I didn’t watch all of Cabaret because I had tickets to see my granddaughter, The Wahini, perform in The Nutcracker. I was sitting in the audience just prior to first curtain with eldest right when I checked my phone and saw the final score.

It was a Christmas miracle that I didn’t scream “MOTHERFUCKER!” in a fully packed auditorium filled with kids and ballet parents.

I waited until I got in the car for the drive home for that.

Since the offense was one of the best in the league and the defense was one of the worst, it made for these ridiculously watchable games. Provided you aren’t a fan of this team.

With all of those needs on defense what does the team do with their first round pick? Draft another receiver of course.

This year on defense we did add DC Brian Flores and he brings a highly aggressive attack oriented defensive scheme to a unit that was badly in need of any fucking identity whatsoever.

Word out of camp is the defense made life miserable when going against the first team offense. Bringing blitz pressure from any and every position.

The cornerback group is going to be entirely new which should be interesting.

Dalvin Cook moved along and joined that festering puckered bunghole of a QB on the Jets, so yeah. I really liked Dalvin and he made the offense a difficult one to handle when he had the run game going.

Alexander Mattison has been fine in spot RB duty so if there is any run game at all the crazy productive passing game should be a big fucking problem for opponents again especially if our new WR Jordan Addison produces anything like he did while at USC.

Think how open this fucker is going to be with every team double teaming Justin Jefferson (who I love dearly and deeply) AND with recent TE addition TJ Hockenson (who just signed the richest tight end extension ever) kicking ass, this offense will be fun once again.

The less said about our QB the better. I think everyone here knows my opinion on that asshole. I put the blame for the no show games directly on his non-confidant, wishy-washy ass. This is “QB1″‘s final year under contract which means – I have no fucking idea what that means.

The entire season rests on the defense rebounding and hopefully finding ANY live body to be capable at Cornerback.

As far as predicted record goes?

I ain’t buying the Lions hype. At fucking all. The Bears may be onto something for the future – or Fields just flames right the fuck out or dies on the field. Green Bay will be fucking terrible and I will base my overall enjoyment of this coming season on that fact alone.

Best guess? 11-6 Division title. Lose in the first round of the playoffs.

Sounds like fun!

Just two more days before opening day.

SKOL!