I feel the same way every year-excited to see the season running on all cylinders (much like Brick) and a wee bit anxious, knowing I’ve got so many of these intros to write up. Whatever, focus on the positive, Scotchy.
I do enjoy very much watching the players and am continually stunned at the physical ability that they possess. I love the strategizing, the in-game decisions made that create differing outcomes. (Hippo has a sixth sense about this) And of course I love Hippo’s Monday morning breakdowns. The anticipation of knowing that the season will bring outrageous moments of all kinds deludes me into thinking that I can still feel things. That’s important!
Squidgy Bits:
-Kelly Stafford, the raging Id married to Matthew, said on a podcast that her husband was having trouble jelling with the young ‘uns on the team. So of course Matt has to address the media about it. Stir that pot woman, put your guy on the spot.
-The Raiders were more than a bit concerned about the mental health of Chandler Jones, to the extent that they sent a crisis team member to his house. Allaying all fears, Jones took to social media and shared this IN ALL CAPS FASHION. Everything is just ducky there.
-Good News! Jimmy Graham won’t be charged by the brave and concerned police of Newport Beach for having a “medical episode”. Back the Blue people.
To The Game!
Lions/Chiefs:
-The Over. Take It: The last time Goff and Mahomes threw down the final was a beefy 54-51 final in favor of the Rams.
-For those that have Kelce, his knee is a true game-timer so pay attention. Noah Gray’s family members completely deny that the pushpins in their possession are being used for anything but the hemming of pants. Why, that doll looks nothing like Travis anyway!
-Jahmyr Gibbs (why the ‘h’?) is reaching for the sky, saying that his goal this year is 1,000 yds rushing and 500 receiving. Only McCaffrey reached those totals last year but Gibbs does have very fresh wheels.
-The Chiefs have scored no less than 33 points in their opening game since Patty wandered over center. Plus, Andy’s record is quite impressive when he’s had seven months to prepare.
-Prediction Time: Kadarius Toney will limp off the field at some point.
-Prediction Time 2: Justyn Ross of K.C. will score a TD, justifying my selection of him in Hippo’s “Math Hurts!” league. (no, I’m not playing him)
Have at it!
That’s a Baby Buster Ball Buster
Smithchez brings up a good point about companies apologizing for their inferior product. A way long time ago I remember KFC saying, “You told us our fries sucked-we changed them”.
Domino’s did the same thing.
Our pizza used to suck ass, now it only sucks a little!
Little Caesars should do the same.
Their fries are indeed killer now. Unfortunately I don’t tolerate whatever weapons grade motor oil they fry em in.
Wendy’s did something similar a long time ago in an attempt to seem more nutritional and natural and their fries suck now. Just be like McDonalds and say “yeah, it’s basically hot cardboard with salt on it, but it tastes good, right?”
It’s a meaningless marketing strategy, the airlines use it all time to spin cuts as a good thing
“Out of the closet and into the STREETS!” – Fuck LioUns supporters
Oh sure, now that Rodgers is gone you can say this.
They were heading in the right direction, Rodgers or no. I wish they could have had a few chances to beat the snot out of him.
Razzledazzle?
“This alien”, great choice of words Cris.
YOU ARE RIGHT COLLINSWORTH WE DON’T NEED YOU!!!
BANNER
Mahomes has the personality of a mushroom
Expect a strongly worded letter from the Mushroom Anti-Defamation League in your mailbox.
Shitaki or button?
Long and skinny -> enoki
He’s no Portobello, that’s for sure.
You’re being a big bad cremini.
The morel of this story, if you’re gonna win a Super Bowl you just gotta have fungus out there!
I will never tire of commercials from fast food places whose message is basically “No, it’s real food! We promise!”
or when burger joints say “we make less shitty fries now!”
Wasn’t there a campaign about a decade ago where it was just Dominos’ CEO apologizing for the previous quality of their food?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjGxpzfwiJg&ab_channel=FornorFior
I’m never not going to +1 Ren & Stimpy.
Me too! Ren Reacts Reasonably, always in style.
The older I get, the longer my nose hairs get.
Wait until you get those hairs growing out of your ear.
The Curse of Bobby Layne liked one of my comments! Come on down, how have you been doing?
Just waiting for the Lions to trip on their own dicks!
Don’t like their chances tonight but the division is there for the taking, don’t you think?
Yes, but Lions fans can’t think like that! That’s when they getcha!
Yes, nothing screams “relatable” like comparing your team’s ascendance to the development and construction of a commercial office building.
I looked at my son and said, “What the fuck was that all about?”
We order Chinese delivery once every couple of months. Mom and Dad work in the resto and their son delivers, no doordash or ubereats. Today he arrived 30 minutes before the estimate their site gave us. I thanked him and he said, “No problem, you guys are on the list. Good customer.”
I am a regular at the footy pub, but I never imagined I would be a Chinese delivery regular!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBAl9cchQac
Andy Reid must be hungover on fish.
THIS CRIS COLLINSWORTH, I CALL HIM MY MOTHER IN LAW, BECAUSE HE SHOWS UP EVERY WEEK AND IRRITATES THE SHIT OUT OF ME
It’s not like going head-to-head against the first game of the NFL season was a good matchup for ESPN to begin with, but having a 45 minute delay in the match thanks to some stupid protestors isn’t doing their coverage any favors.
What were you doing on Jan 5 1992? The last time the Lion won a playoff game.
wondering when we were gonna get new non-USSR maps for our 3rd grade class
I know what happened on April 26, 1992. Sublime told me.
According to my mother? I was taking my ninja turtle action figures and dunking them in my cups of juice
No idea. Still hungover from December 31st 1991 is my best guess.
Probably drunk in my dorm room, and contemplating joining the Marines.
Lions taking time off the clock. Really well done and a TD to boot!
No football on the tv here, but the local stations are pretty bizarre. On Turkmen Sport right now it’s just some guys in Turkmenistan track suits (which I totally need as a souvenir btw) working out on cardio machines
No tennis?
There was tennis on a different channel
Were they, too, wearing Turkmenistan track suits?
I was just kidding, there’s no tennis on right now. Some dickhead protestor superglued their feet to the concrete.
Oh it’s not American tennis
any Gladiator movies?
Could be, nawt sure at all what’s going on in some of the Chinese stations, although I did learn the character for ‘vascular surgery’
No Buzkashi?
“Mom, you can’t drive anymore. You need to hire a car service.”
“I’m not doing that, it’s embarassing.”
“Right, they’re going to put a sign on the car that says ‘We’re Driving Fozz’s Mom’. Do you think anyone gives a shit?”
This is a slice of what I’ve been dealing with.
“Ma! If you kill someone while driving, there goes my inheritance!”
“They’re playing to win this game”
Dynamite drop in Cris!
It’s like Kelce played defence…
Yeah but he would help in a shootout. Me thinks the gentleman holding out would help em tho!
lions last won division/playoff game when i was in 3rd grade
not prepared for “good lions football”
Now that’s a FUK LION RUN. #28 is a beast
Burrow got paid. 5y/275MM
Burrow’s calf was not available for comment
“Ah yes, very smart. I insisted on a veal clause in my contract, too.” – Coach Reid
I’ll take it. I was hoping for something longer but I’ll take it.
Now get Higgins locked up and call it an offseason.
Fake punt, ohmydog yes, hook it to my veins!
gritty call by a gritty guy.
One might call it True Grit.
Can you be gritty and not be part of the belichik coaching tree?
The balls on that motherfucker
TRICKERATION!!!!
Lookit the bollocks on that meatball!
FAKE!!!!!!!!
THAT’S the “Turn Your Head and Goff” we know and tolerate.
Trickeration!
Goff has the eliteness of Flacco
TRICKY LIONS
Fake punt!
BALLSY!!!!
I’m here!
nachos at 5
shart warnings before 7
shit completely in a liquid state at 8
still worth it, tho. good nachos
also i could stand to lose a few pounds
shit completely in a liquid state
That reminds me, y’all remember when I said I needed gallbladder surgery a few months ago?
Turns out it’s just good old fashioned IBS, most likey from stress. I’m on the antacids and my abdomen feels roughly 70% better. Medicine… has an effect
Those Crown Royal commercials bring back memories of my grandfather. When he would drink wine and then Crown and then wine and be drunk as fuck. And appear completely sober.
my grandma would drink that and always thought was fancy with the felt bags or whatever they came with
jjfozz in the crib (artist’s conception)
Most overpaid player in the NFL? Chiefs punter.
3 and outs are back!
How. The fuck. Ya. Doing?
I am awesome despite being sober
My dream is to be a big giant, big enough to hold two cement mixers like toys. Then I want to put Deion Sanders and Cris Collinsworth next to each other. And then smash them between those two cement mixers. Until they are nothing more than jelly.
That’s Eli’s dream, too. Only he uses his Hot Wheels cement mixers and gummy bears. Just don’t tell his mom.
missed opportunity for a double color rush of all red vs all blue
Noah Grey looked higher than a motherfucker
He got extra excited about saying 69 yards, didn’t he?
ah, my fav football pet peeve
2nd and just a short 3, back to back incompletes
Willie Gay sighting!
Oh right, it’s still Jared Goff.
The Regression According to Goff
+1 chomped penis
An entire season of every talking head giving head to the Chiefs
Get used to it, the question of whether Mahomes can catch Brady will be the narrative for the next ten years.
So turns out the hotel we’re in is used by the UN and has its own satellite to avoid the firewall and that’s why I can comment from here. Outside even VPN doesn’t seem to work. The firewall builds its blocklist with keywords, so DFO is totally blocked
We sure Dok isn’t a CIA spy?
I’ve always maintained she’s an assassin
An assassin who sends great booze in care packages.
How do I know you haven’t been around much lately?
I was not running GPS coordinates via Drones to Ukrainians