I feel the same way every year-excited to see the season running on all cylinders (much like Brick) and a wee bit anxious, knowing I’ve got so many of these intros to write up. Whatever, focus on the positive, Scotchy.
I do enjoy very much watching the players and am continually stunned at the physical ability that they possess. I love the strategizing, the in-game decisions made that create differing outcomes. (Hippo has a sixth sense about this) And of course I love Hippo’s Monday morning breakdowns. The anticipation of knowing that the season will bring outrageous moments of all kinds deludes me into thinking that I can still feel things. That’s important!
Squidgy Bits:
-Kelly Stafford, the raging Id married to Matthew, said on a podcast that her husband was having trouble jelling with the young ‘uns on the team. So of course Matt has to address the media about it. Stir that pot woman, put your guy on the spot.
-The Raiders were more than a bit concerned about the mental health of Chandler Jones, to the extent that they sent a crisis team member to his house. Allaying all fears, Jones took to social media and shared this IN ALL CAPS FASHION. Everything is just ducky there.
-Good News! Jimmy Graham won’t be charged by the brave and concerned police of Newport Beach for having a “medical episode”. Back the Blue people.
To The Game!
Lions/Chiefs:
-The Over. Take It: The last time Goff and Mahomes threw down the final was a beefy 54-51 final in favor of the Rams.
-For those that have Kelce, his knee is a true game-timer so pay attention. Noah Gray’s family members completely deny that the pushpins in their possession are being used for anything but the hemming of pants. Why, that doll looks nothing like Travis anyway!
-Jahmyr Gibbs (why the ‘h’?) is reaching for the sky, saying that his goal this year is 1,000 yds rushing and 500 receiving. Only McCaffrey reached those totals last year but Gibbs does have very fresh wheels.
-The Chiefs have scored no less than 33 points in their opening game since Patty wandered over center. Plus, Andy’s record is quite impressive when he’s had seven months to prepare.
-Prediction Time: Kadarius Toney will limp off the field at some point.
-Prediction Time 2: Justyn Ross of K.C. will score a TD, justifying my selection of him in Hippo’s “Math Hurts!” league. (no, I’m not playing him)
Have at it!
Henne should be banging on a tambourine the drum equivalent of a check down
my wife just said that Travis Kelce is cute. time for divorce court.
I’m sure he doesn’t want to date you.
Oh Military team. Wonder how much the NFL charged for that color guard? Guess that means its ok for an reporters to ask the players and coaches how they feel about Tuberville holding up promotions.
still wild that titanic dipshit has a 3-2 record against saban
“Now is not the time to put ex-football coaches into politics into the military into the NFL at game time.”
-Republicans
Gents.
PRODIGAL SON WOO
What fucking lunatic just sung the national anthem?
Reporting to my post. Thank you all for keeping this site running another year, thats good hustle.
Stretch a little before diving into posting, you don’t want to go on IR in week one.
So, Kelce is out and in Freezer vodka league I didn’t draft another TE and can’t pick one up cuz all players are on waivers until Saturday. Well done Yahoo! 😂
Where’s Redshirt? I need him to explain Gym Jordan to me. How do the Ohioans think its ok this is piss ant reps them?
Once you can convince a racist that you have their best interests at heart, you can do anything.
That’s not hyperbole. Trump literally raped a woman and his poll numbers went up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuqIUM0Q9VE&pp=ygUYc2lsZW50IGJvYiBpIGdvdCBub3RoaW5n
It’s Rural Ohio. The most powerful Congressman in Ohio represents an area whose tallest building is probably five stories.
Fun fact: “Five stories” is how many it took to get Eli to sleep after Olivia made the mistake of letting him watch Raiders of the Lost Ark.
lovely
Most Gerrymandered district in the 4th most gerrymandered state.
Politics is weird. Like how no one seems to care about Tuberville compromising national security by preventing any promotions going through
I’m still wondering how Congress is involved in the military…also how we’ve won five wars with two draws.
“Meatball With a Heart.”
-working title of Michael Lewis’ biography of Dan Campbell
Matt Stafford and Andy Reid already have it on pre-order.
Protests that disrupt sporting events (tennis in this case) are just the most irritating things. Please let this be a P.E.T.A. thing so that I can justify eating a dozen steaks tomorrow.
Andy Reid’s “Delayed Meal Season” has begun
Hey, I won’t be home for another 75 minutes. Can someone tell them to hold up until I’m there?
With all the added bullshit in this pregame, you may not miss anything.
When does the sacrificial virgin come out?
I told you, 9:30!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtKUyfkBA2w
Always nice to see Gracie Hunt
Collinsworth got into Trumps makeup, it seems.
And my dog is still weird
I I’ll never forget coming home from school one day to see my big Rottweiler mix sunning herself on a table we had set up in the basement
MUST.SHOUT.LOUDER.
-Director to the vapid gasbags in front of the camera
What I did this summer . . .
Nice pool.
“This is a real fucking amateur right here.”
-Lisa Nowak
CryptKeeper Head Enlargement Syndrome is a real thing I learned by observation just a minute ago.
[sees ad for TSN+]
Oh, that’s exactly what I want/need-75% more coverage of the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs.
“We’ll help lower that coverage for you just a tad.”
-Leafs in April
low energy kids. step it up.
“Wish I had one of those.” – Olivia Manning
For all the folks that are checking in for the first time after the long off-season, should we do a handy “Here’s what we did last summer” to get them up to speed?
Here’s my list:
1) RTD’s wife LOVES vacuuming
2) Horatio had a sex dwarf named Lowratio
3) BFC traveled the world and attended important sporting contests
4) Dok is on special assignment in Turkmenistán
5) I’ve started playing golf and writing about it.
Anything I missed?
DFO CON on an NFL Weekend in Vegas
You. Commish. Put the Green Bay defense on my team because I can’t.
It says it would put you 1 over the roster limit
I put in a waiver claim but that shouldn’t affect anything?
Who do you want to drop?
Or, waivers are done the 9th
I’m guessing that when that claim goes through I’ll have another empty spot on the bench and I’m right back to the same problem.
You have 4 guys on your bench. Bench is only 3 spots as was consensus last year.
Three! Ok.
/three though? Jeebuz…
14 team league, more activity, no kicker. I think that was the thought. We can adjust next year if it blows.
The Gumbys joined a cure.
The part about Rikki hijacking your golf columns to write about how he became a 2X Super Bowl Champion.
Fantastic posts about the wacky world of War40k.
Had?
God, this pre-game. Dunghole, Simms and Garrett have never had an original thought storm past the barricades of their cerebrums.
I’m having a glass of white wine, and I’m making a quiche like a fucking lady!
A glass? [snorts] How are things at the Debutante Ball?
I am a drinking lightweight, but I am absofuckinglutely blazing it up at this here cotillion!
Holy SHIT
https://www.sanfranchronicle.com/breaking-news-travis-kelce-out-entire-202324-season-with-knee-injury-kxeght
HUGE
Wait a second…
That’s not a knee…yet.
I fucking hate that guy, but I feel bad for him. Wait, I don’t. Fuck the Chiefs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrIg04z8ePM&pp=ygUOaSBsaWtlIG1lbiBub3c%3D
I drive to DC from Baltimore 3 days a week, and I can say, without a doubt, that people who drive Teslas should be dipped in motor oil and set on fire.
fortunately teslas have been known to do one of those things!
I see the Cryptkeeper of Football Past* is still undead and well.
*Tony Dungey
Those Dungys really hang around.
Hey Danny Masterson, enjoying getting railed in prison, you piece of shit.
But the victims were also Scientologists. Is assaulting a Scientologist even illegal?
When asked for comment, fellow Church of Scientology member Shelly Miscavige responded by making spooky ghost noises.
(because she was murdered, you see)
Her and Waldo best hide and seek players right now. It’s a toss up for who is better.
Storing away the rights to calling a Goff INT a “Baby Buster’s Ball Bonkers”
Fozz Update, like you cretins give a shit:
Oldest Fozz Spawn has COVID
My father has dementia and was operated on yesterday
My mother and both sisters are fucking lunatics
But hey, I’m going to the Springsteen concert…OH WAIT I’M FUCKING NOT BECAUSE HE FUCKING CANCELLED
Going out back to drink a Drano cocktail
Damn Fizzier! At least you have the Rave…. Never mind.
Sorry to hear about your dad.
Thanks, it sucks. He’s not the guy who raised me.
Ah yes all the “Leaguers” coming back to DFO for concussion season. WHERE WERE YOU ALL IN MID-JUNE WHEN ALL WE HAD TO ENTERTAIN US WAS TWO STICKS WITH A DEAD FLY GLUED TO EACH END!
Well, if you must know I was out back digging a pool for my wife and kids, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was installing webcams in Siberia to try and record a real live Yeti. And when I had the spare time, I was advising Trump on what his next move should be.
And not so much as a fucking postcard to check in on us…
Well we are all sober Scientologists now. Hell of an offseason.
Please tell me you were the one who advised him to keep publicly denying having ever met E. Jean Carroll.
And we were damn grateful to have them!
…and Coco Gauff just tore out her opponent’s soul in front of a full stadium in Queens.
HOW IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKING DOING BOYS?
Are you feeling Todd Monken this evening??
Fozzie! We have missed you!
I missed you guys, dealing with my family – who I’m about to completely disown – has stolen my life and depleted my energy.
Lookit Baby Buster, addressing the Fuck LioUns like he’s people!
Welcome back football!!
Enjoy everyone, as per normal I’ll be working for the first hour or two of this one.
I will catch up on arrears when I get home.
Ha, “rears”.
FOZZ IS IN THE HOUSE, THIS IS NOT A GODDAMMED DRILL, PEOPLE!
Really curious to see how the year for KC goes with Bieniemy gone. All the talking heads are picking them to repeat but none are mentioning Bieniemy gone.
This might go down as a software vs hardware issue. KC now has great hardware running shit Windows ME.
I only have Vodka and chili dogs
What’s your mixer?
(and hopefully name-brand terlet paper)
(and a good book, a terlet book, amirite?)
inshallah homey
i have some lemonade and ginger ale. but a vodka martini sounds good
“An olive a day makes the liver okay” is what I pretend my doctor says.
You sound ready to go!
Beer? Check.
Martini? Check.
Scotch? Check.
Alcoholic Lemonade Thingy? Check.
I think I’m ready.
You need BALANCE in your booze groups, taek care of that liver ppls!
Chefs – 4.5
AmonRa td
Gibbs Over 34.5
Only because you can’t bet on any Chefs props on the dumb maltese betting site.
You lost your good Canuckistani book?
They waited for the Kelce news.
Afternoon Folks
I am very glad that Hippo chose nap. Or more accurately, old age chose nap for Hippo.
“Hey, don’t forget us!!”
-Several pill bottles
the nfc north will never, ever be an easier take for the lions…so they are def gonna go 8-9 and either the vikes or the pack will win it by going 8-8-1
Kelce can take next week off, too. I’m sure he won’t be needed against the Jaguras.
Where are my manners?
HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN’ BOYS AND GIRLS?!!!!???
Ready!
Nothing says “turn on the baseball game” more than Chris Simms and his Howdy-Doody schtick showing up on my screen.
See you later NFL.
/Changes channel to see Carlos Rodon give up a 2-run HR to the second batter.
There’s always tennis!
Not for me. Disney and Spectrum continue fighting, precluding me from getting ESPN.
FITBAW – still, as EVAR…the pinnacle of human existence
still howling at michele tafoya throwing all this away to have a few hundred views a week on her karen youtube channel or something
I think I’ve seen it, the channel is called “I’d Like to Speak to the Manager Immediately”, right?
That has to be an all-timer in the Bad Decisions Hall of Fame.
Bad Idea has a new handbags line!
THIS PLACE, ARROWHEAD STADIUM, I CALL IT THE ROMAN COLISEUM BECAUSE WE MAY GET TO SEE SOME CHRISTIANS FED TO THE LIONS!
Jason Garrett, just now: “People have this misconception of Andy Reid as this grandfatherly type” when in reality he could barely pick his own children out of a line-up, something that has actually been relevant, let alone identify, or even be aware that he has, any grandchildren.
I may have added some of that in my head.
THIS ANDY REID I CALL HIM BRITT REID WHEN HE IS ABOUT TO GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF AN AUTOMOBILE BECAUSE HE HAS VERY QUESTIONABLE AWARENESS.
THESE DEFENSES TONIGHT LEMME TELL YA I CALL THEM STARLINK BECAUSE THEYRE GONNA DISAPPEAR RIGHT BEFORE THE FIREWORKS COMMENCE
first footbaw here since the ksk days without having THAT platform on running in the background
“This was all a big misunderstanding. I was just telling Kelly that I wanted more jelly. That’s all. To put on my cookies, it had nothing to do with rookies. This press conference is over.” – Matt Stafford, having checked his watch and seen that Little Caesar’s is now open
I would give him a pass for domestic violence. She needs her ass whooped.
No, be more suble about it. For example, print up a placebo prescription for “brain medicine” and put in the the cabinet and when she questions where it came from, remind her that her neurologist prescribed it to her last week and ask if she’s been forgetting to take it.
“I wonder if that’ll get me second dinners?”
Fatt Sackford
That’s our Matt, always working an angle. And it’s almost always an obtuse one.
the things she has washed out of the folds of his back, tho…