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Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive [in bed].
Sir Walter Scott
This is when you don’t want to get up and just kinda lie there like a lump hoping that reality goes away and you can stay in bed.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Advice is not as entertaining as Hippos, but still a useful reminder for the long holiday weekend.
2Pack
Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear
Beer before liquor, never been sicker
WCS
Oral before anal, you’re happy all day-nal
Anal before oral, you gross fucking whore-al
SonOfSpam
Wine before anal, you’re an altar boy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Dear Fate: please stop having Bills players collapse on the field. It’s an unsettling reminder that we are complicit in the destruction of young bodies for entertainment.
Kthnxbye
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
We’ll know if Tay-Tay lurks here when a new single about BLEERGH is surprise dropped on Thanksgiving.
WCS
We would’ve had a “No Pants, No Problem” song by now if she was one of us.
Redshirt
Is ESPN showing live shots of Taylor Swift?
Redshirt
Isn’t she killing her fans in South America?
Horatio Cornblower
Worse…
Col. Duke LaCross
When did Swift start drinking the MAGA-aide?
Redshirt
T. Swift is pretty hard-core Blue. Kind of surprised the MAGA-cult hasn’t started demanding that she be investigated for Satan worship. Or, as normal people call it, “urging her fans to vote.”
Horatio Cornblower
Brocky
The bartender in the panorama lounge is named Yoga. He’s gonna be totally set if he ever moves to the US and has an affair with a svelte married lady.
Doktor Zymm
“I’ll be home late tonight, honey. I’m doing Yoga.”
Redshirt
History review for today
2Pack
No silly, that was Fast and Furious 906. Here’s the first one
Gumbygirl
Somehow, it looks like Bengals @ Jaguars isn’t being flexed out of Monday Night Football. I wonder if one quarter of the Manningcast will be Payton and Eli reenacting the “Its not your fault” scene to Joe Burrow. Either that or Carson Palmer laughing his ass off and trash talking the Bengals and Brown family. That’ll be fun.
Redshirt
My wife just cleared the pantry. Pretty sure she just doesn’t want to look at dusty cans so will replace them each with a fresh one.
I’m not going to bring it up for confirmation though. I’ve learned being right doesn’t mean shit.
blaxabbath
Going to SIL’s in Riverside for Thanksgiving. Good thing, because if we weren’t invited, we’d be having this
Gumbygirl
We usually do Thanksgiving at home but this year were invited to a formal Thanksgiving dinner at an honest-to-God mansion in the area of Connecticut people think about when they think about where rich people live in CT.
Mrs. Horatio and I are going, (the kids ditched us, and I frankly don’t blame them; had I known about the dress code from jump street I probably would have declined), because we do really like the people who invited us, and it clearly meant a lot to them.
That said, we pull into the (very long and definitely gated), driveway and see anything like this,
we are putting the car in reverse and getting the fuck out.
Unless there’s a selection of pies for dessert. I’m not a goddamn savage.
Horatio Cornblower
Which town?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Check the back channel.
Horatio Cornblower
I understand that this is also how Balls proposed, by the way.
Horatio Cornblower
Taking the Mrs out for her bday on Monday so I thought that I would look at the resto’s menu online. Discovered Black Friday buy 100 dollar e-card and get 30 dollars as a bonus. Nice little bit of luck there.
litre_cola
It’s a very special birthday edition of RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!
Mr. Ayo
But my bday isn’t until tomorrow.
TheRevanchist
I got you HOX tix for tomorrow.
Mr. Ayo
Happy Thanksgiving from Cincinnati!
Redshirt
Welp, time to hit the ole dusty trail and head to the bar.
ThePirateSloth
Oh snap, I need to get ready.
Mr. Ayo
[takes off yellow Speedo, puts on lucky purple Speedo]
scotchnaut
Dad: “I don’t know why Dolly Parton is so popular.”
Me (thinking): “I can think of at least two reasons.”
Redshirt
Or maybe there’s a few other reasons-
-created a foundation that encourages kids to finish high school
-created a reserve for bald eagles that wouldn’t survive in the wild
-donates books to kids in her county of birth to encourage them to read
-created a scholarship for 5 seniors every year at her old high school
-donated a million dollars to the Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt U
-donated another cool mill for Coronavirus research
-raised more than 13 mill to help survivors of flooding in Tennessee
-covers 100% of tuition for every employee of Dollywood that wants to further their education
/that’s just scratching the surface of her philanthropic efforts and yes, she does have great tits
scotchnaut
I’m off to dinner in a little bit, so in case I don’t pop back in until after Fozz’s liveblogging of horrible in law-ness, let me express being grateful for you all in the clubhouse. You give me an outlet to write jokes and serious-ish ish and you’ve even managed to provide some damn good IRL times. To paraphrase the sage words of George Carlin on the silver screen, continue being excellent to one another.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
/today at work
Me: “I’m not here-I just have to do some paperwork then I’m gone. (ended up being 3 1/2 hours) Just take a message.”
Office Clerks: “Will do.”
PA: [30 minutes later] “Scotch, line 1. Scotch line 1.”
Me: [takes call, goes back into office] “Remember, I’m not here.”
Office Clerk #1: “Right, right. Sorry.”
Me: [coming down the stairs two hours later, obviously leaving]
Office Clerk #2: “Scotch, line 3 is for you.”
Me: [glares]
Clerk #2: “Oh, right, should I tell him you’re not here?”
Me: “You told him I was though, right?”
Clerk #2: “Uh, yes.”
Me: [stomps back upstairs petulantly]
/FIN
scotchnaut
Back from the Eyes Wide Shut party. Sadly I was completely left alone. Always a bridesmaid, never the spit roast at the orgy.
Horatio Cornblower
I will say that today was one of the first times I wished I’d been able to have kids. The friend I came down with had the brewery’s owner’s disabled son fall asleep on his lap & I felt something I didn’t know my body possessed.
Beerguyrob
I mean, I’m not a monster. The kid can’t eat solid food, and has a colostomy bag in that backpack. Because he was the sweetest, and took everything in stride. I wish I had his confidence.
Beerguyrob
RELEASE THE HOX
Mr. Ayo
I told the Dr. Mrs. that I’m basically going to fill the household role of “pet” today: loafing around, taking naps, eating scraps, and running away anytime the vacuum comes near me.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Lowratio, right now:
Horatio Cornblower
They should do the Golden Bachelor again, but the last contestant is a 24-year old stripper with a methamphetamine habit.
King Hippo
Yes but he has to have adult kids and grandkids and she has to think kids are icky
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Of Fucking Course-
TSN has IMMEDIATELY pivoted to a preview of the Leafs/Black Hawk highlights.
scotchnaut
This Black Friday Game is perfect! We waited all year just to get a cheap, shitty product the day after Thanksgiving.
Redshirt
I am still laughing at the fact that the Jets defense came up with a big play to put the team within one score going into halftime, and then the Jets defense got another interception, and then the Jets offense gave up a touchdown as time expired in the half.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Get your diaphragms and kevlar vests ready ladies. Pistorious is about to be back on the prowl!
King Hippo
“OK, Mr. Pistorius just about all set here. Just need to get your ankle bra…celet…set…um…huh. Well, this is a new one.”
Horatio Cornblower
Why do toaster ovens need bluetooth? because fuck you, America.
jjfozz
Just got the news that my grandmother passed away today. 99. Based on her last few years I am going to leave that family personal best with her. Vaya con Dios Grandma. Make sure they keep those martinis extra dry when you get wherever it is we go.
Horatio Cornblower
Brick Meathook
“I don’t believe that women have any use for lubrication.” — Ben Shapiro
Dunstan
Just to give you an idea as to how out of control things are at the Scotch household, I’m currently mixing Smirnoff Ice Peach Lemonade with Seth and Riley’s Garage Hard Lemonade. I’m totally winging it and I don’t care about the consequences!
scotchnaut
Attention everyone, a late substitute in your line up today. Playing the role of jj fozz drunk commenting will be scotchnaut
Game Time Decision
You hoist that banner son, and you CARRY it into battle. If it falls, you damn well better have your guts spread all over the field, and even then, you have failed.
jjfozz
Can’t believe Hippo forgot the most important game of the day, the CUM Bowl
Incidentally, if you’re going to search for an image for ‘CUM Bowl’ you’re going to want to make sure to throw the word ‘football’ in there as well.
Just trust me on this.
Horatio Cornblower
I am so full right now, I couldn’t even have a wafer thin mint.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Gumbygirl
Elizabeth (Jake) Barrett-Browning: “God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers. And thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face. A gauntlet with a gift in it.”
Reporter: [scratches head] “Ah, yes, of course. But I was asking about your pre-game preparation.”
Elizabeth (Jake) Barrett-Browning: “Measure not the work until the day’s out and the work’s done.”
Reporter: “Well said. Looking forward, how will you defeat the Jags?”
Elizabeth (Jake) Barrett-Browning: “Who so loves believes the impossible.”
Reporter: “And I love you. Er, um, [coughs] What about your practice routine going forward?”
Elizabeth (Jake) Barrett-Browning: “Light tomorrow with today.”
Reporter: “I, I think I’m in love.”
Elizabeth (Jake) Barrett-Browning: “You’re something between a dream and a miracle.”*
*Reporter and Elizabeth (Jake) Barrett-Browning currently live in Madrid and run a successful fair trade bicycle shop
scotchnaut
THESE PATRIOTS I CALL FTX BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BIGGEST FRAUD THAT COLLAPSED AFTER BEING PROPPED UP BY TOM BRADY.
Gatoraids
So a medicine for hot flashes may have, as a side effect…hot flashes? What kind of definition of “effective“ are we working with here?
Petronel
Jones: “You go in.”
Zappe: “No, you go in.”
Jones: “I dare you!”
Zappe: “I double dog dare you!”
Jones: “I triple dog dare you on my mom’s grave!”
Zappe: “Godammit!” [puts on helmet]
scotchnaut
I thought my keycard to the Clubhouse stopped working. Turns out, I was trying to use my Sea Pass from the cruise to get in! Thank Baby Jebus for the unlimited drinks package!
But now I’m back and ready for some fitbawl!
LemonJello
Found some funny:
Some of those that sell courses, Are the same that churn sauces
Some of those that sell courses, Are the same that churn sauces
Some of those that sell courses, Are the same that churn sauces
Some of those that sell courses, Are the same that churn sauces
Huh!
Grilling in the Name of
Grilling in The Name of
And now you buy what they sold ya
And now you buy what they sold ya
And now you buy what they sold ya
And now you buy what they sold ya
Those that fried, are justified
for wearing the badge of the golden fries
You justified those who fried
While taking the bag with the golden fries
Those that fried, are justified
for wearing the badge of the golden fries
You justified those who fried
While taking the bag with the toy inside
Drive Thru! I didn’t order what you gave me!
Drive Thru! I didn’t order what you gave me!
Drive Thru! I didn’t order what you gave me!
Drive Thru! I didn’t order what you gave me!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
critical late game 4th down
at home
as to use silent count
fuck spanos
fleshwound_NPG
It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: IS IT A CATCH!?!?
Horatio Cornblower
I hate Jason Alexander. Just go the fuck away.
ThePirateSloth
He’s the actor equivalent of that one guy from your high school years, while in his late 40s or 50s, is STILL talking bout that time he was on the team that won state. Because it is the ONLY thing he is known for.
ThePirateSloth
He scored 4 TDs in a single game
Game Time Decision
fleshwound_NPG
So I get to spend the night in the cruise ship hospital on oxygen just because I had some teeny tiny symptoms of decompression sickness after diving today. I already feel much better but oh well, at least I get dinner in bed. I wonder how much this is gonna cost though, don’t think Kaiser covers cruise ship oxygen
Doktor Zymm
I doubt Kaiser covers oxygen on dry land either.
Col. Duke LaCross
he couldnt hold any dry land west of the rhine in 1918 as soon as the yanks showed up
fleshwound_NPG
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
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