Instant Hippo Thoughts – “Lucky” Week 13, 2023 Season

December is here, the temperature is 75F inside the HippoLair.  Almost had to put the a/c on, but I worried my dead father would haunt me.

When Grumblelord goes into the Hall of Fame, the 3 December 2023 Clippers/P*ts game needs to replay in full.  24/7 on NFL Network.  Yes, there were elements – but not THAT vile.  Even if it had rained frogs bleeding out their assholes…a modern professional football game shouldn’t end 6-nil.  But this one did, and in retrospect, one wonders how either team ever scored at all.  It was the Spanoi who managed two FGs, FWIW.  That gets them all the way up to 5-7.  New England falls to 2-10.

We got some REAL fun weathering up Yinzer way, where they stopped play (for like an hour each time) TWICE.  You’d expect a sloppy pitch would result in a physical affair, and you’d be right.  But it was Qards TE Trey McBride and then Q4 bulldozing from James Connor that sealed the 24-10 win…for the visitors.  Safe to say nobody saw this coming, but much like their surprise September smackdown of the Cowpersons – Arizona dominated.  Uncle Jack left with an ankle owie, so at least we got a little Bollo del Verdad fun.  Wee Kyler is earning himself a jerb for 2024, by elevating their draft position.  SMRT!  And he actually played pretty well.

Some games did meet expectations, though.  We’ve noted before what Flat Track Bullies the LOLfins are, and their visit to the nation’s capital solidified that reputation.  They beat Rebecca Malone bloody (fantasy good, sure (usually) – but NO, the Commies have not “found their QB”), and won a 45-15 laugher.  I saw Tyreek basically walk in the end zone twice, then 8-chan score twice on the ground.  Points for all.

Good news for Tim Boyle – you can’t fall off the floor!  Plus, like, you’ve made more moneys by age 30 than any of us assholes will in our entire lifetimes.  Nice work if you can get it – but yeah, he got benched in Game Two.  Or he died?  Fuck if I remember.  The Jest staked their sad-sack offense to a 2-nil lead, but they couldn’t hold it.  7-2, then 10-5, then 13-8, this game creaked on like the relentless march of time.  Nobody did fuck shit that registered as positive.  But Monket Trev eventually turned the ball over to Atlanta, who mercifully ran the clock out.  That was a game that not only happened, but also in the same window as the 6-nil in New England.  AMAZING.

Humanity had to fear that Detroit’s clock was striking midnight – but Dan Campbell’s men came out FUCKING HARD this week, jumping to a 21-zip lead in the first quarter.  It got dicey after that, but they killed Emo Carr yet again, and Bitchin’ Kamara couldn’t complete the comeback all by himself.  Won some fantasy matchups, though.  Hippo’s desperation play (A.T. Perry) had one catch for 30 yards, and I counted same as a pleasant surprise.  I suck at life.  Detroit holds on 33-28, with TE LaPorta being the main offensive force.

Donks/500s came in as the “Game of the (Early) Day” – it took its sweet time warming up, but it was very entertaining in the 2nd half.  Houston survived losing their Tank (broken fibula on their opening TD, blocking on the run) to take a 13-0 lead, but Charmslinger and Fatty Payton (in his old lady librarian reading glasses) adjusted, and the play action game paid dividends.  Denver would claw within 16-10, then 22-17.  Wilson led his men inside the 10, artfully bleeding almost the entire clock.  But the 500s pass rush got home, and a desperation 3rd and goal toss got picked.  Today, the turnover battle was a fickle mistress, and Houston made it count.  22-17, fin.

I can’t even be mad, though.  Grateful we made a game of it, both on a macro and micro level.  Sure beats what we were looking at after early home losses to the Raiders, Jets, and fookin’ Commies.  But at 6-6 with a tough remaining schedule, .500 is likely asking too much.  Playoffs will have to wait, not that we would have bothered any of the favoUrites.

But the actual game of the window?  Peak Surly Duff.  You could watch every game for the rest of your life and never see one like this.  I mean, it started sort of normal.  El Tractorcito did his usual off-tackling for two scores.  But he left the game injured late.  Will Levis yelled at Nuk, then showed off ELITE fumble recovery skills.  He sprinted downfield TWICE after loose balls.  Bananacakes.  Hey, he puts his body on the line, even if he runs his mouth.

But then it got REALLY weird.  Perhaps Indy saw sommet on film, but they blocked the shit out of two CONSECUTIVE punts in late Q3/early Q4.  The punter had no chance on either.  Block #1?  Run back for the go-ahead TD.  Humps lead 22-17, so they go for two.  Minshew does his usual, scrambling around then chucking the ball wildly.  It gets picked and run back for two.  22-19, a net swing of just 4 points (which I don’t ever recall seeing off a blocked kick).  On the next block, they broke the punter’s plant leg (cleanly, but man it was gross to watch) and took over inside the 20.  They had to settle for a FG and 25-19 lead.  Seems like that chain of events had to swing things more than 7 points – but SURLY DUFF will not be tamed.

Somehow, despite being down 6 – the Tits would have to punt twice more in Q4.  Placement man Nick Folk took both, and uneventfully so (despite not having punted since college).  But alas, there was a problem down the chain.  TN’s punter is their usual holder, with backup QB Ryan Tannehill being the emergency backup.  After a late tying score, he then had to hold on the (what could have been) winning extra point.  It was decent enough a hold, but the timing surely was a bit different, and Folk…imploded.  Missed by a country mile.  We’d eventually go to OT, 25-25.

FUCK, I expected the Draw.  Tennessee won the toss, and Tyjae Spears killed the Humps slowly – just not all the way.  The long drive took almost 6 minutes off the clock, but they had to settle for a long (45-yard) FG attempt, after having blown the extra point earlier.  Naturally, the longer kick went off without a hitch, and DonT’s Tots took a 28-25 lead.  Surely there would be a response Big Gay placement, to give us the hardest-way-ever 28-all Draw?

Nope.  Minshew hit Alec Pierce on a perfect bomb inside the 5.  Two plays later, he found Pittman for the winner.  Humps go to 7-5 with the craziest 31-28 win you’ll ever see.  That’s that for the Tits at 4-8.  With a win, I absolutely would have believed they were back in the playoff mix.  Tis a cruel sport sometimes.  But fucking fun as shit for the neutral.

That leaves three in the late window, starting with a rain soaked, sorry MRSA/Black Panthers tilt.  Bryce Young looked a little MOAR like a professional QB, but still not great.  Baby steps, I guess?  MRSA grinds out 21-18 win, as unremarkable as I have made it seem.  Young’s duck on 4th and 1 gets picked to seal it.

Doesn’t it seem like the Iggles have played every good team in the League already?  And coming out 10-1 entering today’s clash with the visiting Tomsulas, maybe they’ve earned a little more RESPEK than they’ve been getting?  Or…not.  Two early FGs, a 2nd half rolling tank TD, otherwise this fucker was all Santa Clara.  The away side was more explosive, more physical, better in all three phases.  Almost enough to give the Cowpersons hope in the division?  Meh, probably not.  Hurts hurted his head, too.  It was a very bad day in Philly.  Still, it only counts for one loss.  The road to the Owl might go through the Bay area now, though.  Garbage time gets the margin down to 42-19, it certainly could have been worse.  If you played against Deebo Samuel this week, you lost.  Brocky??

I will ask again – Are #ThePauls a Elite franchise?? Well, MISTER ELITE became the oldest #ThePaul to throw a TD pass.  Take a bow, Joe Cool!  A late missed extra point (how #ThePauls is THAT) stopped the incipient magic at 20-19 for the home RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! faithful.  Believeland would get the ball back, for Flacco to throw a horrifying pickerception on the very first play.  WOMP WOMP.  The Gospel According to Fatthew hit Kupp for the dagger inside of 4:00.  There would be a gratuitous Kyren Williams TD run dagger as well, just goddamned peachy for those of us idjits playing #ThePauls’ D/ST.  THEN, a dagger dagger dagger safety on 4th and 34 from the CLE 1.  36-19 it would end.

Chefs and Packers on SNF, as Green Bay tries to make a late-season push for relevance.  Packers open with two long TD drives, semi-answered by two long KC field goal drives.  That’s 14-6 at the half (for the mathematically challenged) but with the Chefs getting the ball first…it almost felt tied?  Anyway, I watched the second half in bed.  So we will discuss the ending in the comments.