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Your Monday Night Football Open Thread

scotchnaut

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So much going on, let’s head on over to…

Fallout:

-Birds Are People Too!: James Audubon would be pissed! The Niners have beaten the Seahawks, Eagles, Seahawks again and the Cardinals the last four weeks. Up next week? The Ravens.

-As per his namesake, King Henry made some history yesterday-by running 16 times for 9 yards and catching 4 balls for 1 yard, he became the first player ever to get 20 touches and not reach 15 yards. Asked how he’ll prepare for next week he said, “We’ll stiffen our sinews, and summon up the blood and go once again into the breech!”

-Post-Game Injury Report: Truth Biscuit has come down with a contusion of the ego after discovering that Mason Rudolph gets the start next week.

-Here’s some fantasy nobodies that grabbed precious scores helping you to lose your fantasy tilt-Keith Kirkwood, Ko Kieft, David Moore, Jimmy Graham, (he was something a long time ago) and Elijah Higgins. Banish them from my sight!

-Arthurs Protect Their Own: That must be the explanation why Blank hasn’t fired Smith. Despite his on-going befuddling player usage (Bijan with just 8 carries, no passes to London in the first half, staying with Ridder long past the expiry date) the Falcons head coach was still in the running for a playoff spot. Not any more. This rush-first team averaged 1.7 vs the 1-11 Panthers. What a travesty.

To The Game!

Eagles/Seahawks:

-Hey look, it’s the Philadelphia Slumpers vs the Seattle Strugglers!

-Hurts has flu-like symptoms, but it’s not the flu! Geno’s groin makes him a game-timer as well and practice squadder qb Sean Mannion has been activated so I don’t know what to tell you about the starting qb’s.

-Matt is Back, Baby!: Retread Patricia will make the defensive calls because Sean Desai is to blame for 3/4’s of the secondary being 30 or older. One thinks that this is the first move before Desai is shuffled out the door post-season.

-Seattle is ninth in the playoff race, having benefited greatly by losses by the Packers, Vikes and Falcons.

Bring it.

 

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ThePirateSloth

BOBO!

1
Doktor Zymm

I’ve recently been really wanting to go spend a bunch of time in Singapore, and now I started looking through ‘way of the cocktail’ I need to get back to Japan as well. Really I just need a shitton of money so I can go live in Asia for a while as a rich paleface

3
scotchnaut

Pete Carroll thinks that “Intentional Grounding” is a penalty in football but also should have been the title of “Loose Change”.

1
Redshirt

The joys of driving in the snow, when you can let the guy flashing their lights at you go around, so they can lose their fucking mind as they get stuck behind the guy going slow in the snow while you can sit back and watch him slowly go insane.

2
Redshirt

.

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Brocky

This just makes me want to find that picture from the old site with rivers’s disembodied head connected to an iphone

1
scotchnaut

Berman just faxing it in at this point.

1
ThePirateSloth

Haha what game was originally scheduled and how’d it go yesterday?

1
litre_cola

BC Dick and I briefly spoke about going and boy howdy would we have been pissed with this flex business.

2
Mr. Ayo

This was supposed to be Chefs/Pats. Not sure the flex helped anything.

0
Redshirt

KC 27 – NE 17

So yeah, we were drawing dead hitting or staying here.

1
ThePirateSloth

comment image

3
Mr. Ayo

And then a draw on 3rd and long. With a penalty.

The beautiful game.

3
hippofant

What was even the point of taking the timeout to avoid the runoff then?

3
ThePirateSloth

A level of hell exists for the guy who first drew up the 3rd & long draw play.

3
LemonJello

Lock’s audible should be either “Steel Beams” or “Jet Fuel”

2
WCS

comment image

3
jjfozz

does anyone know where BeardBrand is located? I’m getting some Teller mines and C4 for Christmas and I want to use it wisely.

1
jjfozz

“you see the hole that was there for him.”

Yes, i laughed at this

5
jjfozz

Even the dog is bored by this game
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3
jjfozz

Sounds like alot of Eagles fans in the stadium. Can Eagles fans afford airfare or did they just ride the rails to Seattle?

4
Doktor Zymm

It’s like Pittsburgh where anyone who makes some money leaves the city but stills follows the team so they can pretend they are still in touch with their roots even though they reallu have no idea how to shank someone with a battery anymore

1
jjfozz

Or hum the theme to Rocky while they’re having sex

2
ThePirateSloth

There are so many transplants in the Seattle area due to Amazon, Microsoft, etc that practically every opposing team for both Seahawks and Mariners games have a large fan presence.

2
ThePirateSloth

Source: I was a transplant

3
Doktor Zymm

I can second this, both through almost moving there instead of to the Bay and through knowing people in offices there

0
ThePirateSloth

I if I remember correctly, out of my 20 some odd friend group I had when I lived there, only 1 was from Seattle or nearby it. Everyone else had moved there from somewhere outside of WA. That whole Seattle Chill thing was real.

2
litre_cola

Even when they had to play at Husky stadium back in the day it was half Iggle fans. T’was glorioUs. Except the fact that it was on campus therefore a dry game…

2
King Hippo

Whenever its a big 3rd or 4th dcwn, wouldn’t stone, monastic silence creep out the other team more? MAKES U THINK

1
Doktor Zymm

I’m in favoUr of a low, chanting drone. Creepy and loud enough to block communication

4
jjfozz

I have to go into the office tomorrow. and you know what that means? i have to wear dress socks. and i fucking hate wearing dress socks.

2
LemonJello

With or without pants?

3
WCS

Commando or bust

4
LemonJello

comment image

3
Redshirt

Nah, I have Fozz as a “set the place on fire and make s’mores” person.

0
Doktor Zymm

If it’s with pants they shouldn’t be able to see your socks. If it’s without pants they won’t be looking at your socks

4
jjfozz

Alas, pants are mandatory

2
Redshirt

Claim religious restrictions.

2
BugEyedBoo

At the office: artist’s conception

Capture.PNG
5
Doktor Zymm

Sock garters!

1
Brocky

So a manager in my league picked up Mariota on the off chance hurns didn’t play tonight, unfortunately said manager is not in the playoffs, which means 1 of two things:

1. They are super competitive and want to win the consolation ladder

OR

2. They are legitimately not smart enough to understand how the playoffs work.

Either option is entertaining

2
King Hippo

It’s only a dick move if there is no “toilet bowl” or consolation ladder. Otherwise, every right to compete like the compulsive lunatics we all are.

/my money league freezes all waivers the Friday before last regular season game

/a good rule when one is allowed 20-man roster

1
Doktor Zymm

You know how Rikki keeps talking about how awesome those Japanese bidet toilet seats are?
Well, I installed mine today and CAN CONFIRM

4
Mr. Ayo

COSIGN. These should be the STANDARD.

2
jjfozz

Be careful it doesn’t grow tentacles over night. You never know.

3
Doktor Zymm

That might still be okay or even great, will wait and see

3
jjfozz

As tentacles tend to be cold and slimy, hoping this bidet has a warming function built in

1
Doktor Zymm

Oh it DOES

2
Gumbygirl

Clean AND shiny?

2
SonOfSpam

The Aquaman sequel is confusing. Bad guy says he’s gonna burn Aquaman’s kingdom to ash, but said kingdom is at the bottom of the ocean. So I think getting it to go all ashlike will be tough. But then maybe he’s a really special villain. Or maybe this Aquaman decided to build his kingdom in Wichita. Won’t see it, too confusing.

3
Doktor Zymm

Is the villain Greek? Greek fire supposedly can burn despite water

1
scotchnaut

Makes me think that Aquaman and SpongeBob occupy the same universe. I’ll not be answering any questions or expanding upon my opinion.

3
jjfozz

That’s the hook. (Get it?)

2
jjfozz

Who is this mutant redhead doing commercials for old navy? Was she birthed in Chernobyl?

1
SonOfSpam

She was in American Pie and on drugs and in Orange is the New Black which is like Emily in Paris with lesbians who are not in Paris.

1
jjfozz

Yeah, she seems like she’d snort meth off a dead hooker

1
litre_cola

So like Pornhub?

1
Brocky

For a second there I thought you were describing Alyssa Hannigan and I was gonna get angry

1
King Hippo

Redheads will always inspire spirited pervert disagreement.

3
BugEyedBoo

Natasha Lyonne. She’s in Russian Doll, which was a pretty decent series.

1
ThePirateSloth

comment image

3
SonOfSpam

Look, Matt Patricia sucks, but calling him a “ret

Oh, you said retread. Still, be careful you don’t insult the Darnolds of the world.

3
King Hippo

Where is Ayo? Did he release his Kraken on the bus or sommet? Surely we have a bail fund.

2
WCS

Throwing dead fish onto the engine of Pete Carroll’s vehicle.

2
Mr. Ayo

No one really knows

4
Doktor Zymm

I think we used a lot of the bail fund when we tried to register Lowratio as a Singaporean domestic worker

6
Gumbygirl

The mistake was calling him Congressman George Santos on the paperwork.

4
LemonJello

And listing him at 6’2″ 215lbs

4
scotchnaut

Hurts tries to throw Joe Dirt a hospital ball and the latter was having none of it.

1
Doktor Zymm

Looks like Hurts is breathing through his nose, so I think we all want to know what sort of industrial speedy decongestants they have him on

1
Doktor Zymm

“analytics say go for it, but analytics haven’t factored in drew lock”

Ooh, subtle burn

4
hippofant

GO FOR IT COWARDS

1
hippofant

YOU GONNA LET MATT FUCKING PATRICIA SHOW YOU UP?

3
WCS

[pencil over ear intensifies]

2
jjfozz

Eli, counting the hours until Christmas morning

3
WCS

“Peyton, how do you and Coop fall asleep on Christmas Eve so easy? I’m too excited to see Santa!”

2
ThePirateSloth

What a surprise! 3rd and long!

0
scotchnaut

Stay tuned for halftime-Scratch My Pelt is hosting!

1
Mr. Ayo

Game. Over.

1
jjfozz

Patriots v Broncos on Xmas Eve, the NFL delivers a huge load of coal to everyone’s stockings

0
scotchnaut

You never know, I might feel like watching a 6-3 football game.

3
litre_cola

I went to one of those in the 90’s at the glorioUs Kingdome.

0
Gumbygirl

I went to a bunch of shittay games in the Kingdome in the 80’s. And it wasn’t just the Mariners.

3
Gumbygirl

Let’s face it, we weren’t good, for goodness sake!

2
Brocky

Asked how he’ll prepare for next week he said

“Well, that little bitch brocky ain’t in the playoffs so I think I’ll just go ahead and break the single game yards from scrimmage record” -king henry

3
King Hippo

Is Motown Philly back again?

0
Doktor Zymm

Perhaps, let us consult with Boyz 2 Men

1
Doktor Zymm

Real birds over fake birds, as it should be

0
hippofant

The Eagles making us all wait 8+ minutes to see Matt Patricia is bullshit.

0
scotchnaut

I’d argue that they’re doing us a favor.

1
litre_cola

Survived Costco today. Avoiding adorning myself in Kirkland brand clothes. I haven’t given up yet.

6
Doktor Zymm

*hides 20 yo yoga pants that only cost $20 and are still going strong*

3
litre_cola

They are the best yoga pants – Mrs. Cola

3
Gumbygirl

I have clothes that are older than most of you.

1
Doktor Zymm

I actually have quite a few articles of clothing that are older than I am, and a handful older than everyone alive. I have a Victorian era snakeskin purse and some Victorian hat pins that I can shank a dude with!

2
Doktor Zymm

Wardrobe malfunction!

0
Doktor Zymm

If this game sucks imma go back to playing sable, but so far so good

0
hippofant

Hm. Never heard of Sable. Any good? Seeing a 76 on Metacritic.

0
Doktor Zymm

Just started really cuz free game on ps+ but enjoying so far. I like the art style and seems like a sort of chill open world platformer which is in my wheelhouse

0
Brocky

Never heard of Sable

Her issue of playboy was the holy grail to teenaged me.

Oh shit sorry, wrong sable

3
scotchnaut

Came across this video of a Canuck ex-pat trying to re-create Thomas Keller’s Beef Bourguignon recipe. I’ve laughed out loud at his exasperation more than once.

It starts at about 24 minutes in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-UWd84l8GY&t=1653s&ab_channel=ANTI-CHEF

0
King Hippo

They gon’ run Hurts MOAR, everybody’s afraid to get his cooties

2
Doktor Zymm

“ugh, I got a sack but I got snot goo all over my uni! Anyone know if these flourescent bits emit disinfecting uv?”

1
ThePirateSloth

On the one hand, I’m regretting not getting in the car at 1pm and going to this damn game.

On the other hand, I like not catching COVID.

2
Doktor Zymm

*This comment brought to you by 2021
(although only you know your susceptiblity and immunity and there is plenty of other nasty stuff going around this year too)

1
Doktor Zymm

#17.Rum Hampden (Jamaica) 2007 Duncan Taylor 14yr

Can straight up smell the rum finish on this. Hope it tastes as amazing as it smells!

1
Doktor Zymm

Oh wow, this is super rummy, it’s like liquid Scottish rum cake. Amazeballs

2
Gumbygirl

My SIL brought me some rum cakes from the Bahamas, yay!

2
litre_cola

Zymm sent me one from some Island and Sweet Baby Jesus did it pack a punch.

3
Doktor Zymm

Those are so good. They must dunk the cakes in rum or something

1
ThePirateSloth

#fireshanewaldron

Just getting that out of the way now.

2
scotchnaut

I actually like Boeheim during these halftime shows-when he disagrees with the host or his partner he actually makes a face and you know what he’s thinking. It’s actually kind of refreshing.

2
King Hippo

Wait a galdurn minute. It’s RAINING? Raining in SEATTLE???

2
WCS

Next, you’re going to tell me Jimmy Graham played basketball in college or something.

3
litre_cola

Sit down for this. Grunge music comes from Seattle.

3
King Hippo

SHUT UP! Why they no EVAR mention???

2
Redshirt

Next you’re gonna tell me they are slightly liberal.

2
scotchnaut

I could throw a fish, I’m so mad!

5
Gumbygirl

Here’s a newsflash: they drink COFFEE in Seattle. Who would have guessed?

1
Brick Meathook

Their hockey team is called “The Kraken.” I’m serious. You can’t make this shit up.

2
scotchnaut

Hockey in Seattle? Surely you jest!

Last edited 2 years ago by scotchnaut
3
Redshirt

The baseball team is called the Mariners? What are they, near an ocean?!

2
litre_cola

Go Birds.

1
litre_cola

If Mariota gets anywhere near that field for a live play I will buy the Emily in Paris cocktail book for Fozz.

3
WCS

comment image

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Let’sa gooooo

2
Doktor Zymm

A bit behind on my advent calendar so here is #15. Cooley 2002 19yr Rum Finish Gleann Mor

0
Doktor Zymm

And on to #16. Black Friday 2020 22 yr Highland! First sip of this one is really nice

0
scotchnaut

I despise UNC basketball players but Eric Montross was only 52. That’s not right.

https://www.cbc.ca/sports/basketball/nba/eric-montross-obit-1.7062523

2
King Hippo

Montross was, by all accounts (even Wolven Sort) a decent and honest man. A damned shame, really.

1
Redshirt

.

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4
Senor Weaselo

Freezer Vodka playoff implications, in order of intriguing-ness:
-DeVonta Smith +2.899 vs. DK Metcalf.
-Hurts & Swift combined O/U: 46.17 pts
-D. Swift O/U: 25.72 pts
-Goedert O/U: 73.02 pts

WHO YA GOT?

/No, the first one is not most intriguing because it’s me, but because that’s the closest one.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m #2.

That also speaks to my chances of winning.

0
Senor Weaselo

Hey, it says you have a 30% chance, it could be worse!
/Looks towards Canada

1
litre_cola

Who wants the shitty Alberta Vodka and Big Turk the most???

Past winners are you, Spam, and Ayo.

Last edited 2 years ago by litre_cola
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