I’ve said recently (on these very pages!) that Houston is for now my second rooting interest so that’s their kiss of death. Sorry, guys. It certainly doesn’t help their chances that they’re in a “Judas vs. Goliath” matchup with those crabcake-eating Corvids. Oh well, let’s take a look at some crap I ran across during my intreenet travels.
To The Game!
Texans/Ravens:
-These squadoos faced off in week 1 and Houston was able to get to Lamar! four times.
-Good News For Nico: Cb Marlon Humphreys is out due to a calf injury. I had no idea he even owned a farm. (har, har) The Baltimore secondary is deep though-they just can’t let Nico get behind the safeties which he somehow inevitably does.
-Prop-age Time: Stroud’s pass attempts line is 34.5 and you’d think he’d be able to hit it because half the qb’s that have played Baltimore have achieved that. Mostly because they’re playing catch-up.
-That said, the Ravens haven’t allowed a qb to throw for 300+ yards since October of 2022.
-Many folks are suggesting that Stroud needs to roll out of the pocket in order to offset pressure from the d-line and lb’s. Throws to tight ends Schultz and Howard are recommended.
-Unsung Unit: Last week vs Cleveland’s daunting D Houston’s o-line held Myles Garrett virtually stat-less with two pressures. C.J. had a clean pocket all game long, only getting hit once and not getting sacked. The Ravens are another kettle of monkeys though in that they led the league with 60 sacks.
Enjoy.
OFFICIAL: “Please set the game clock to 29 seconds.”
OFFICIAL: “Please set the play clock to 30 seconds.”
OFFICIAL: [to self] “Watch these idiotic Texans jump offsides even though it is abundantly clear that Baltimore will not be snapping the ball again this quarter.”
TEXANS: [jump offsides]
it was also amusing to watch Coach Ryans chew up and swallow his rage
a touchdown here starts killing the hope
A touchdown here is Game Blouses
I think even a FG woulda been, surprised they threw the ball
No, no. It’s the hope that kills you.
We are down to 6.27-ish FITBAW matches left. Sad panda.
“Preparation-H” seems, to me, to be a amalgam paste of aloe, zinc oxide, and the proprietary ingredient “H,” which shrinks tissue (Hollywood makeup artists routinely use it on hung-over actor’s baggy eyes).
You can make fun of it all you want. But when you really need it, it is the greatest invention ever.
Take care of your asshole. Pay for good toilet paper, etc. AND OF COURSE, NEVAR PUT ANYTHING UP IT.
Back when I was a homeless street person desperate for any dime I could get, I learned this lesson the hard way. Always wear clean underpants.
it’s gonna take a whole sixer to get inside of Cricket
She’s the pink one.
Hey!
I only use yesterday’s issue of the Wall Street Journal for toilet paper. Of course, I pay for the deluxe copy of the WSJ printed on silk.
Looked like that play would have worked if Stroud had zipped it in there rather than floating it too high.
WTF?
whatever that double reverse was drawn up on, burn it. if on a tablet, download a super trojan virus and have it spontaneously combust
Game on, ordering pasta, and drinking whatever doesn’t fit in my luggage! Woo!
Clowney pressure, bruh
Damn. Some nice adjustments and counter-adjustments so far this game.
The Ravens are very good, but I think the Texans could really win this.
(But the Texans won’t make it any farther than this)
Just a guess.
P.S. A question from Los Angeles: What’s the weather like on the east coast? My 90-year-old mother (who’s waiting for Belichick’s call – good luck with that) says it’s cold and snowy.
this game has jags/broncos 1996 afc divisional round vibes. bawlmore better be careful
TOO SOON, Abed!!!!!
(and I remember that day specifically, because I was so mad I scrubbed my apartment kitchen – mopped, even. I HATE MOPPING.)
It’s cold and not particularly snowy on the east coast.
(I take it back. Just put the dog outside and it has started snowing)
Anyone remember the super speedy runner glitch from John Always Quarterback nes game? That’s gonna be Lamar Jackson this half.
Lol John always. Stupid autocorrect
big ben hamburglar
That stadium crowd is quieter than the 2020 home opener.
quieter than henry kissinger on november 30, 2023
quieter than Mitch McConnell while his brain reboots
Quieter than Ivana Trump after she was shoved down the stairs.
quieter than nancy reagan when shes busy at work
Hey. I DARE you to tell me she wasn’t effective!
what a blessing to be so good at sommet that made so many folk so happy!
Get off the bike Ryan O’Reilly!
Wow, Baltimore’s offensive line seems to have chosen an odd week to disappear.
Yeah, maybe not get your franchise QB killed just for a slim chance at a field goal.
Speaking from experience here.
Okay, who plugged in Controller 2 to move the kicked football?!
Shan’Khlor really does save her best stuff for the playoffs.
Nailed It!
— B. Walsh
the fuck was that kick
Slowick just might be smarter than the average bear.
fuck me, he can throw
What a hard-hitting story – a mother thinks HER SON IS PRETTY GREAT.
in the vast land of failsons, a hero arises
Just once, I want to see a parent interviewed that doesn’t support their superstar child.
“Yeah, he’s only that good because of his teammates!”
“He’s only a Cornerback because he can’t catch for shit!”
Well, we know it wasn’t this mother
Ralph Wiggum – I like men now. – YouTube
Truly terrifying.
Troy, please, that wasn’t 2 receivers in the same area. That was a spacing route and Lamar misfired it, which brought Agholor and Flowers into the same spot trying to reach it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I miss RedZone.
The Mute button is RIGHT THERE
Pop-Up Window:
Mute Button Option cost $0.01 per second. Press “Mute” again to confirm.
There’s also SAP. I feel like the rest of you must be taking crazy pills not to use it.
With the advent of AI, its only a matter of time before we hear Troy or Cris in Spanish.
Troy and Buck feeling sorry for Harbaugh because he started out as a special teams coach. Go Fuck Yourself.
I feel sorry for him because of his father and brother.
man if lamar and bawlmore blows this every other white dude in maryland gonna post everything and anything short of joining the klan on facebook
Counterpoint: They were going to do that regardless.
some would be legacy hires!
Way to represent the AFC North, B-more!
HHhahhahahhha
Fuck off, Bawlmer.
SUDDEN????
Man, Troy hasn’t said anything especially stupid yet today, but he keeps rambling on about plays and the replay doesn’t match anything he’s saying.
Tunsil wasn’t slow to block down on that run play. He was blocking left, which might have been wrong, but still.
That five-man rush had Jackson bottled up pretty well.
I keep finding myself listening to these 30 second rambles and not seeing anything he’s talking about in the replay.
Yeah, that was odd with the Tunsil block.
Apple Vision Pro starts at $3,499. Define a company that is out-of-touch with the common people.
I already know someone who is planning to buy it, try it, and return it.
Used or “DFO Slightly used”?
They were talking about passing it around and sharing it with others, so ….
Gregg Easterbrook live cam:
/4th + 1 at HOU 35 punt
//jots GAME OVER on thigh
///searches cheerleader Bing images until HBP alert beeps 5 minutes later
I love it when a linebacker or a DB tries to time up a disguised blitz, gets the timing wrong, then sheepishly has to pull back, but they can’t actually pull back because the play has been called, so they then have to sheepishly move back up to the line of scrimmage and actually blitz.
ESPNBet says you’re a pussy if you’re cold.
As a pussy who is in fact cold? This checks out.
I don’t know who to root for here. I like Lamar, love Fozzie, but loathe Harbs, and divisional opponents should always lose. On the other hand, I don’t want anyone in Texass to ever be happy again until they banish Governor Hotwheels, Paxton, their entire Republican legislature, and Ted Cruz to a heavy gravity planet. Now that I’ve thought it through, I guess I will half- heartedly pull for Baltimore
When in doubt, root for Triple OT. Go for Chaos!
I am all about Chaos!
The bartender and guy next to me put $ on HOU. Consider me inside this Triumvirate of Delushong.
Whew! Made it. It was getting festive and stuff
What festival is this?
Fiestas de la Calle San Sebastián
Don’t worry, I just checked in with Catholic Internet. It’s fine, they’re unaware about your calendar oversight.
this man is back in the nhl. beautiful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y2OOc6WTrg
“After discussion with the defense, Intentional Grounding on the QB.”
Reminder that Hippo and Scotchy are OG Devin Singletary Truthers
Man, all y’all gonna be disappointed when Baltimore wins today.
Why are y’all rooting for an imaginary team???
I’d be happy for Lamar! anyway. It’s a “house moneys” kind of rooting situation.
Healthy Lamar is a scary man.
that was a phillip rivers approved FLOAT
I know they have Tucker, but I’d go for it
(CHRIST, is he ever good. Ray Guy of placements.)
Tucker is pretty much automatic. You’ve got to take that into consideration.
Before they had cameras in the end zone, did receivers still do their weird strut forward towards the end zone after a first down reception?
Oh look! A football game in the wild!
Texans gon win by 3.
I’m rooting for the Texans. Sorry Houston.
Tunsil playing?
I’m gonna go rip a gas mask bong.
Looks cold out there.
Cold as a welldiggers ball sack in casa de Hippo, too
Maybe call some deep throws for Lamar! early to establish momentum? His mindset seems right, but I’d bet Harbs wants to make sure of it.
I do not have a read on this fixture. At. All. Let us be entertained, in that most 500s of way.
I do. Baltimore to win.
My pie in the sky thinking is that a Houston W is contingent on Singletary and Metchie having themselves a game.