Morning folks. Today’s the first Monday of Daylight Savings Time, thanks to those fucking farmers. Or something. Whatever. Hopefully you were able to get up on time and aren’t late for work, so you can spend the appropriate amount of time avoiding work by participating in this here draft.
The 1980’s were the formative decade in a young Horatio’s life. They started when I was 11, they ended when I was 21, or close enough for this already strained point. A lot happens in a youngster’s life during those years: you get taller, your voice changes, hair starts appearing where there wasn’t hair before, and boners-at-awkard-times become an ever present challenge.
Basically you grow up.
Last off-season, and courtesy of RTD, we drafted bands’ discography’s from the 80’s. This week we’re drafting movie from the 1980’s. I did consider doing something similar to the band draft and taking an actor from the 80’s and then you’d get his or her output from that decade. But then I’d take Eddie Murphy with the first pick, someone would take John Cusack with the second, and by the time Molly Ringwald went third we’d be out of movies.
So, your mission this week is to draft movies from the 80’s. If it’s a movie that came out between 1/1/80 and 12/31/89, (don’t give me any shit about how the zero year is actually the last year of the preceding decade: I promise you I do not care), it is eligible. Bonus points if your pick is an excellent representation of what the 80’s was all about.
Which is the rise of Reaganism and subsequent, and very much directly related, decline of America. But that’s another story.
Your commissioner for this week is the late and lamented John Hughes. The director of such 80’s stalwarts, (and now remarkably problematic), films like ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘The Breakfast Club,’ ‘Weird Science,’ and (and I did not know this before right now), the criminally overlooked ‘Uncle Buck.’
A true honor to have his ghostly presence monitor our draft, and perhaps explain how Anthony Michael Hall having banged that girl at the end of Sixteen Candles when she was passed out isn’t rape.
It was a different time.
Also you’re probably largely on your own today. Tomorrow is the 29th anniversary of Mrs. Horatio making a horrible, horrible decision, then somehow doubling down on it for the next three decades. Depending on her work schedule we’ll likely be out and about enjoying this wonderful Smarch weather.
With the first pick I will take the movie that was on the other day that inspired this particular draft.
1983’s ‘Trading Places.’ Directed by John Landis, (a/k/a “That Other John Guy With All The 1980’s Movies”), and starring the aforementioned 1980’s powerhouse Eddie Murphy, with Dan Akroyd and an absolutely smoking Jamie Lee Curtis providing able support, Trading Places spends it’s running time skewering insider trading, wealth disparities, racist preconceptions, the war on drugs, and many other things that made the 1980’s the, well, the 1980’s.
Also it’s really funny and Jamie Lee shows her boobs.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Gumby’s pick
Last pick: Christmas Vacation
National Lampoon’s Vacation, back when Chevy Chase was funny
One more for me
I got here very late, I was stuck in Detroit!
I have like six more picks I want to make but if no one else is gonna do it, I have to take Blade Runner here.
And not just because Sean Young was hot.
https://youtu.be/yWPyRSURYFQ?si=HOMaCPeax3axoCLh
They Live.
BugEyedBoo is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum!
Bubblegum == 0.
When did that become a documentary?
I’m so glad you picked it!! That was one of the ones I didn’t think anyone would pick.
I was gonna go with the original, but I’ll go with my favorite
?20171206225614
You know what, may you all just don’t like dark movies ostensibly for children.
I’ll take the Secret of NIMH
https://youtu.be/W4xHs01SUA4?si=U4-D3enaiGDkCOGW
5th pick: Toxic Avenger
Today it would be a documentary on Majorie Taylor Greene.
Don’t associate that waste of sperm and ovum with nerds like me!
That’s what we called SIL! She worked for the EPA, you see.
Remember when the Russians invaded us and those high school kids saved the country? The documentary Red Dawn remembers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?si=vSmynKffTFtPiREo&v=Xhs4x1ta-sg&feature=youtu.be
A steal this late
Throws people off, because it’s not set in the 80s
does not count as it’s “Imported” from Fragile
Down By Law (1986) d. Jim Jarmusch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKH9ZIVUCPU
Can’t believe this made it this far. Aliens.
Saquon to the Eagles. (not an 80’s movie-yet.)
https://www.bigblueview.com/2024/3/11/24097133/nfl-free-agency-saquon-barkley-signs-with-what-it-means-for-the-giants
The Right Stuff (1983) d. Philip Kaufman
was on 2 VHS tapes.
The theatrical release had an intermission.
I’m all for an intermission.
“Is that a man?” “You goddamn right it is.”
The film nerds were all over this one when it came out. Spell it three times fast for extra shits and giggles.
Excellent Philip Glass soundtrack too.
Pick number… whatever….
I would rather have the other movie they created.
So what you’re saying is….
There’s like a 2 minute window for me to steal another pick from you?
My daughter loved that shit. You should have put a trigger warning on it, because I did not.
Honestly, even when I was young I figured out that most “kid’s movies” have something bad happen to the parents
I was like 7 and saw mufasa’s death coming from a long way away
I ended up watching Spirit:Stallion of the Cimarron about a million times with my daughter, because she liked it and it was a change from ‘dead parents’.
Bengals Free Agent Moves (Artistic Interpretation)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0_f5fkrCTA&pp=ygUSbXN0M2sgZG8gc29tZXRoaW5n
Going for value right now, I guess. ET.
My 6th and final pick.
The Goonies.
[throws down clipboard] – Eli Manning
The Goonies are good enough for me!
My 4th and final pick here, one of Wifeys favs.
Rock me
Such an awesomely bad movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX33Diwrv3A
Better than the song I think.
Speaking of Barbie . . .
Todd Haynes’ biopic of Karen Carpenter was cast entirely with Barbie and Ken dolls. It is a scathing indictment of media culture and bulimia. I saw it at the Biography Theater in D.C. when it came out, during its short theatrical run before Mattel Corporation had it pulled from distribution worldwide due to copyright infringement (or some such nonsense). That was truly the golden age of the indie film movement in the U.S. It’s available all over the internet now.
Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story (1987) d. Todd Haynes
I was once indicted for bulimia but I somehow overcame it.
That good prison chili will cure that bulimia right away I tell you what.
Kirk cousins to the falcons!
Best sequel title ever is Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
Fitzcarraldo (1982) d. Werner Herzog
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWeb7i8IjYs
4th rounder: Tron
Police Story (1985)
Baghdad Cafe (1987)
Seriously creepy shit right here.
My next pick: scrooged
The Shining
https://youtu.be/4lQ_MjU4QHw?si=bdADWcszTmo_u9i6
For my third pick… I’m goin back in ‘Nam…
THIS GUY 2PACK I CALL HIM JIM HARBAUGH BECAUSE HE’S CLEARLY STEALING MY SIGNALS
You gimme five dolla – I make you holla GI!
On most lists this is considered the greatest film of the 1980s
Raging Bull (1980)
Short Circuit
too lazy to find a clip
I gotchu
i just remember “number five, is ….. alive”
Pick the Third: The Last Starfighter
Lots of free agent signings!
The’Andre Swift is a Bear
Christian Wilkins is a RaiDUR
Tony Pollard is a Titan
Gabe Davis is a Jaguar
Derrick Henry will not be a Titan
Let’s see, which GIF from Fast Times at Ridgemont High should I post…
Damn GIF! It’s broken again!
So much quality. How is Blue Velvet not been picked?
There has been a run of picks on my board so next up, Neverending Story
Insert Obligatory Lionel hutz quote
I feel like I’m the only person on the planet (or at least that was born in the 80s) that doesnt like that movie
I’ve never seen it and it doesn’t look like I would like it.
I’ve struggled to understand it’s appeal at times
I was born about as late in the 80s as you can so I don’t have any memories of these films actually being released, only watching them at home.
I had the vhs for the sequel growing up, and while it wasn’t exactly great, I realize now it had a darker tone, so when I saw the original, it was like… huh?
Or to summarize, such is the power of nostalgia
[summons general manager into office, tell him to pack up his office] – Eli Manning
My son loooooooooved this movie. I have seen it eleventybajillion times.
2nd round quality here folks…
Dammit
Spinal Tap has killed the rockumentary format for me.
Pick #4: UHF!
DON’T YOU KNOW THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!?!?!?
When taking swigs of vile alcohol my buddies and I would yell, “Time to drink from the firehose!”.
I told you I didn’t do it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5ROhf5Soqs&t=1s
Mad Max 2 down under, The Road Warrior here in the States.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2gVXd7FzhQ
And short feature, The Road Worrier.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKXvHVCtBgU
1980 How did this last this long.
It’s on my board. So much depth.
Evil Dead II
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIJTvEo4N4Q
Coming to America
https://youtu.be/ec6VNDWB0TI?si=4Bid2JNivqtI3S4B
Rambo taught us all how to deal with government bureaucracy.
Heavy Metal-Boobies, John Candy and a great soundtrack-what more could you want?
Some reviewer who really didn’t like it said, “The glowing green orb then tortures the little girl by telling it its life’s story.”