Monday Morning Mock Draft: Oh God He’s In The 80’s Again!!

Morning folks.  Today’s the first Monday of Daylight Savings Time, thanks to those fucking farmers.  Or something.  Whatever.  Hopefully you were able to get up on time and aren’t late for work, so you can spend the appropriate amount of time avoiding work by participating in this here draft.

The 1980’s were the formative decade in a young Horatio’s life.  They started when I was 11, they ended when I was 21, or close enough for this already strained point.  A lot happens in a youngster’s life during those years:  you get taller, your voice changes, hair starts appearing where there wasn’t hair before, and boners-at-awkard-times become an ever present challenge.

Basically you grow up.

Last off-season, and courtesy of RTD, we drafted bands’ discography’s from the 80’s.  This week we’re drafting movie from the 1980’s.  I did consider doing something similar to the band draft and taking an actor from the 80’s and then you’d get his or her output from that decade.  But then I’d take Eddie Murphy with the first pick, someone would take John Cusack with the second, and by the time Molly Ringwald went third we’d be out of movies.

So, your mission this week is to draft movies from the 80’s.  If it’s a movie that came out between 1/1/80 and 12/31/89, (don’t give me any shit about how the zero year is actually the last year of the preceding decade:  I promise you I do not care), it is eligible.  Bonus points if your pick is an excellent representation of what the 80’s was all about.

Which is the rise of Reaganism and subsequent, and very much directly related, decline of America.  But that’s another story.

Your commissioner for this week is the late and lamented John Hughes.  The director of such 80’s stalwarts, (and now remarkably problematic), films like ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘The Breakfast Club,’ ‘Weird Science,’ and (and I did not know this before right now), the criminally overlooked ‘Uncle Buck.’

A true honor to have his ghostly presence monitor our draft, and perhaps explain how Anthony Michael Hall having banged that girl at the end of Sixteen Candles when she was passed out isn’t rape.

It was a different time.

Also you’re probably largely on your own today.  Tomorrow is the 29th anniversary of Mrs. Horatio making a horrible, horrible decision, then somehow doubling down on it for the next three decades.  Depending on her work schedule we’ll likely be out and about enjoying this wonderful Smarch weather.

With the first pick I will take the movie that was on the other day that inspired this particular draft.

1983’s ‘Trading Places.’  Directed by John Landis, (a/k/a “That Other John Guy With All The 1980’s Movies”), and starring the aforementioned 1980’s powerhouse Eddie Murphy, with Dan Akroyd and an absolutely smoking Jamie Lee Curtis providing able support, Trading Places spends it’s running time skewering insider trading, wealth disparities, racist preconceptions, the war on drugs, and many other things that made the 1980’s the, well, the 1980’s.

Also it’s really funny and Jamie Lee shows her boobs.

The rest of you are on the clock.

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Gumbygirl

Gumby’s pick

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Sharkbait

Last pick: Christmas Vacation

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SonOfSpam

National Lampoon’s Vacation, back when Chevy Chase was funny

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Gumbygirl

One more for me

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Gumbygirl

I got here very late, I was stuck in Detroit!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have like six more picks I want to make but if no one else is gonna do it, I have to take Blade Runner here.

And not just because Sean Young was hot.

https://youtu.be/yWPyRSURYFQ?si=HOMaCPeax3axoCLh

BugEyedBoo

They Live.

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Gumbygirl

BugEyedBoo is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum!

BugEyedBoo

Bubblegum == 0.

Redshirt

When did that become a documentary?

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m so glad you picked it!! That was one of the ones I didn’t think anyone would pick.

Brocky

I was gonna go with the original, but I’ll go with my favorite

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know what, may you all just don’t like dark movies ostensibly for children.

I’ll take the Secret of NIMH

LemonJello

5th pick: Toxic Avenger

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scotchnaut

Today it would be a documentary on Majorie Taylor Greene.

Redshirt

Don’t associate that waste of sperm and ovum with nerds like me!

Gumbygirl

That’s what we called SIL! She worked for the EPA, you see.

SonOfSpam

Remember when the Russians invaded us and those high school kids saved the country? The documentary Red Dawn remembers.

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Sharkbait

A steal this late

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Brocky

Throws people off, because it’s not set in the 80s

Game Time Decision

does not count as it’s “Imported” from Fragile

Brick Meathook

Down By Law (1986) d. Jim Jarmusch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKH9ZIVUCPU

BugEyedBoo

Can’t believe this made it this far. Aliens.

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LemonJello

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Brick Meathook

The Right Stuff (1983) d. Philip Kaufman

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Game Time Decision

was on 2 VHS tapes.

Brick Meathook

The theatrical release had an intermission.

Game Time Decision

I’m all for an intermission.

BugEyedBoo

“Is that a man?” “You goddamn right it is.”

scotchnaut

The film nerds were all over this one when it came out. Spell it three times fast for extra shits and giggles.

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yeah right

Excellent Philip Glass soundtrack too.

Brocky

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Pick number… whatever….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I would rather have the other movie they created.

Brocky

So what you’re saying is….

There’s like a 2 minute window for me to steal another pick from you?

BugEyedBoo

My daughter loved that shit. You should have put a trigger warning on it, because I did not.

Brocky

Honestly, even when I was young I figured out that most “kid’s movies” have something bad happen to the parents

I was like 7 and saw mufasa’s death coming from a long way away

BugEyedBoo

I ended up watching Spirit:Stallion of the Cimarron about a million times with my daughter, because she liked it and it was a change from ‘dead parents’.

Redshirt

Bengals Free Agent Moves (Artistic Interpretation)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0_f5fkrCTA&pp=ygUSbXN0M2sgZG8gc29tZXRoaW5n

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Going for value right now, I guess. ET.

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yeah right

My 6th and final pick.

The Goonies.

Last edited 8 months ago by yeah right
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[throws down clipboard] – Eli Manning

Gumbygirl

The Goonies are good enough for me!

2Pack

My 4th and final pick here, one of Wifeys favs.

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Sharkbait

Rock me

Sharkbait

Such an awesomely bad movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX33Diwrv3A

2Pack

Better than the song I think.

Brick Meathook

Speaking of Barbie . . .

Todd Haynes’ biopic of Karen Carpenter was cast entirely with Barbie and Ken dolls. It is a scathing indictment of media culture and bulimia. I saw it at the Biography Theater in D.C. when it came out, during its short theatrical run before Mattel Corporation had it pulled from distribution worldwide due to copyright infringement (or some such nonsense). That was truly the golden age of the indie film movement in the U.S. It’s available all over the internet now.

Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story (1987) d. Todd Haynes

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scotchnaut

I was once indicted for bulimia but I somehow overcame it.

Brick Meathook

That good prison chili will cure that bulimia right away I tell you what.

Brocky

Kirk cousins to the falcons!

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

Best sequel title ever is Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Brick Meathook

Fitzcarraldo (1982) d. Werner Herzog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWeb7i8IjYs

LemonJello

4th rounder: Tron

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Brick Meathook

Police Story (1985)

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Brick Meathook

Baghdad Cafe (1987)

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BugEyedBoo

Seriously creepy shit right here.

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Brocky

My next pick: scrooged

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Shining

2Pack

For my third pick… I’m goin back in ‘Nam…

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS GUY 2PACK I CALL HIM JIM HARBAUGH BECAUSE HE’S CLEARLY STEALING MY SIGNALS

2Pack

You gimme five dolla – I make you holla GI!

LemonJello

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Brick Meathook

On most lists this is considered the greatest film of the 1980s

Raging Bull (1980)

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Game Time Decision

Short Circuit

too lazy to find a clip

Brocky

I gotchu

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Game Time Decision

i just remember “number five, is ….. alive”

LemonJello

Pick the Third: The Last Starfighter

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SonOfSpam

Lots of free agent signings!

The’Andre Swift is a Bear
Christian Wilkins is a RaiDUR
Tony Pollard is a Titan
Gabe Davis is a Jaguar

Derrick Henry will not be a Titan

SonOfSpam

Let’s see, which GIF from Fast Times at Ridgemont High should I post…

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Redshirt

Damn GIF! It’s broken again!

scotchnaut

So much quality. How is Blue Velvet not been picked?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

There has been a run of picks on my board so next up, Neverending Story

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Brocky

Insert Obligatory Lionel hutz quote

Sharkbait

I feel like I’m the only person on the planet (or at least that was born in the 80s) that doesnt like that movie

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve never seen it and it doesn’t look like I would like it.

Brocky

I’ve struggled to understand it’s appeal at times

I was born about as late in the 80s as you can so I don’t have any memories of these films actually being released, only watching them at home.

I had the vhs for the sequel growing up, and while it wasn’t exactly great, I realize now it had a darker tone, so when I saw the original, it was like… huh?

Brocky

Or to summarize, such is the power of nostalgia

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[summons general manager into office, tell him to pack up his office] – Eli Manning

Gumbygirl

My son loooooooooved this movie. I have seen it eleventybajillion times.

2Pack

2nd round quality here folks…

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dammit

BugEyedBoo

Spinal Tap has killed the rockumentary format for me.

Brocky

Pick #4: UHF!

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DON’T YOU KNOW THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!?!?!?

scotchnaut

When taking swigs of vile alcohol my buddies and I would yell, “Time to drink from the firehose!”.

LemonJello

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Sharkbait
BugEyedBoo

Mad Max 2 down under, The Road Warrior here in the States.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2gVXd7FzhQ

BugEyedBoo

And short feature, The Road Worrier.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKXvHVCtBgU

2Pack

1980 How did this last this long.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s on my board. So much depth.

Game Time Decision
BrettFavresColonoscopy
SonOfSpam

Rambo taught us all how to deal with government bureaucracy.

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scotchnaut

Heavy Metal-Boobies, John Candy and a great soundtrack-what more could you want?

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BugEyedBoo

Some reviewer who really didn’t like it said, “The glowing green orb then tortures the little girl by telling it its life’s story.”