Monday Morning Mock Draft: Oh! Canada!

Morning, eh?  Today’s the day of the total solar eclipse.  My son lives in Burlington, VT, right in the path.  We could have gone up and had a free place to stay and see it, but instead I have to deal with two Court hearings, one of them the result of nothing more than a judge on a power-trip scheduling, and refusing to mark off, a hearing in a case that she’s been told is about to settle.

This makes me very angry, and the only sure cure for that is to turn to America’s Hat, our neighboUrs to the North, the politest, “Souriest” people you’ve ever met, those fucking Canucks, our Canadian brethren.

That’s right people, thanks to the fertile, (I assume, anyway), mind of frequent contributor Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, we’re drafting Canadiens this week.  Per the rules that RTD proposed in his proposal you are drafting a Canadian celebrity to serve a specific role for you.  If there’s a Canadian you’ve been dying to have act as your butler, chauffeur, gofer, golfer, masseuse, (am I at 250 words yet? No?), producer, director, actor, well, now’s your chance.

Per RTD you may pick a Canadian to (consensually) serve as your boyfriend/girlfriend/no-strings-attached-eh? fuckbuddy but only one such pick.  Please do not draft the roster for a Canadian gang bang.  Although now that I write that it may become the topic of another (very regrettable) draft.  Also I will add this rule:  whoever you draft you have them for the entirety of their career/life to date.  In other words you can draft Jamie Sale

for your Canadian side piece, and there’s no doubt that she was a stunningly attractive woman back in her figure skating days, but you are getting the entire Jamie Sale experience with that pick.  Bon chance with that, or however you devastatingly polite people say ‘good luck.’

Also, Bobby Orr supports Donald Trump?  That is disappointing, although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything someone who played hockey that long without a helmet thinks.

Once a Canadian has been drafted they are off the board for all purposes.  One person can’t draft Justin Trudeau for, say, fashion advice

and then another draft him as a Halloween costume consultant

although given those two pictures there’s a solid argument that Trudeau shouldn’t be drafted for much of anything.  You can, however, draft different Canadians for the same roles, so there could be multiple Canadian chauffeurs for example, so long as each chauffeur was a different Canadian.

All your Canadian has to be to qualify is Canadian at one time or another.  They do not currently need to be walking the Earth, nor currently residing in Canada.  After some thought on a question I know I will get I am also going to make an authorial decision and allow fictional Canadians as well.

Which brings us to our Commissioner, the RCMP’s finest

Dudley Do-Right.

With the first pick Rikki is going to take John Candy, in the role of Court Jester.  A fine pick.

With the second pick I am taking Canadian native, (but now apparently a fellow Nutmegger, at least part time) (must be the UConn/Yukon Huskies thing), Ryan Reynolds

(the one on the left), as my financial advisor.  Guy’s worth $350 million, (per the arrow you click on where it says “how much is Ryan Reynolds worth” on the internet, which I’m totally sure is accurate and based on only the finest and most well-sourced information), owns a gin company, a phone company, a soccer team you may have heard of, and probably 10-12 other things as well.  I could probably also get some work-out/nutrition tips as well, neither of which I would follow, because I am an American and we don’t do “nutrition.”

Also he acts.

The rest of you are on the clock!

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ArmedandHammered

Wolverine as my bodyguard.

scotchnaut

It’s completely overcast here-the eclipse is just a rumor.

Game Time Decision

same, booooo
have glasses at the ready incase the sky magically clears

Gumbygirl

I saw it, we had about 50% coverage in SoCal.

Senor Weaselo

https://youtu.be/-3U3Sby4zko

Okay, sun, same thing.

yeah right

Holy fucking shit, the sky is clear and we’re halfway to totality. This shit is going to happen!

SonOfSpam

Impressed at your typing with gravy-covered fingers

Redshirt

Same here. Had to take a roadtrip and sacrifice a paycheck but it’s worth it.

This is my 2nd total eclipse.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s awesome!

Brick Meathook

Is yeah right at the eclipse?

pics or it didn’t happen.

yeah right

On the Slack channel. Too geeked to post here.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

6. Need a minstrel and while it feels weird turning up my nose at late-round-steal Leonard Cohen, I’m going to go with Daniel Lanois, who’s just got a much broader toolset and can produce much cheerier music if I’m in a festive mood.

SonOfSpam

Celine Dion will be employed to keep me from eating more than 200 calories per week

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’m officially drafting Professor Tricia for my Women’s Studies class

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck you!

Brick Meathook

I would like to draft ME, the All-American boy

https://ibb.co/By5fPV4

SonOfSpam

Please show passport number and bank account info so we can confirm, thx

Gumbygirl
ballsofsteelandfury

Sorry, got distracted by the 50% eclipse in LA.
Can I still pick Shannon Tweed as B-movie consultant?

Last edited 6 months ago by ballsofsteelandfury
BrettFavresColonoscopy

She’s a Newfie

Brick Meathook

My mom is a Newfie. So is Dustan, if I understand it correctly.

Game Time Decision

my moms is also a Newfie
/prob explains a lot

Dunstan

I’m only half-Newfie!

ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

Claire Boucher (aka Grimes or “Grimey” as she likes to be called), personal Elon Musk assassin.

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Last edited 6 months ago by King Hippo
SonOfSpam

gross, Elon stench

King Hippo

yeah but those shoulders, man!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

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Last edited 6 months ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Gumbygirl

Neil Young, for guitar lessons

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wikipedia lists Deadpool (Wade Wilson) as Canadian, and since fictional characters are allowed, can I take him even though Ryan Reynolds is off the board?

SonOfSpam

She’s a lucky woman.

WCS

Isn’t this EXACTLY why Lowratio exists?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Huh? He’s a dwarf, not a leprechaun. SMH.

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Gumbygirl

He’s no ordinary dwarf, Dopey. He’s a SEX DWARF!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WOO HOO TAKE THAT STUPID APOLLO!

SonOfSpam

I’ll take Ryan Gosling as my housecleaner. His wife can stay here too.

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2Pack

1st round I’m going with Chelan Simmons as my… personal… assistant…

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I would like to draft Justin Bieber as my whipping boy/bullet proof vest tester

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Jason Priestley as my chauffeur. The man drives race cars. What could possib-lie go wrong?

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Last edited 6 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take Fergie Jenkins as baseball coach and regaler of tales of the Cubs back in the day.

DJ TAJ

Next, I need a muffin warmer so I’ll go with Kate Bock

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ballsofsteelandfury

John Candy as my dietician.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What about the Blair Witch as your movie companion?

ballsofsteelandfury

But you said we could pick the same person for different roles!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

He did not.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, she’s Canadian??

ballsofsteelandfury

Dammit! Reading comprehension fail!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just get on with it and pick Shannon Tweed already

Gumbygirl

RIF.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Leslie Nielsen, personal physician *and* head of security.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take Alanis Morisette as karaoke partner/skeeball coach/deity

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hear she’s a fun pal to go see movies with, too.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about that benefit

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Pamela Anderson as my lifeguard. I understand by the draft rules this would be a look-don’t-touch situation for myself personally, but I can live with that plus I don’t see anything in the draft rules that precludes her getting involved with Tessa in a Jerry Falwell Jr. type situation.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, at a minimum he gets a flotation device

BrettFavresColonoscopy

She did. And then got them again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The above reasons are why I picked her as lifeguard and not consort.

DJ TAJ

Next pick I’ll go with Shania I need a personal chanteuse.

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King Hippo

Emily St. John Mandel, muse (and now I have work calls to deal with)

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DJ TAJ

I’ll take Manon Rheaume as my, as my pant stretcher.

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SonOfSpam

I need a bass player.

Ok Geddy, you’re in.

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WCS

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WCS

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Soixante-six, Mario Lemieux

Last edited 6 months ago by WCS
ballsofsteelandfury

Peter North to be my sex tutor.

King Hippo

Dave Foley, Hippo Thoughts correspondent

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scotchnaut

Beckie is my girl next door and Minister of Sport.

BECKIE.jpg
Game Time Decision

Wayne from LetterKenny as a best bud.
Sure, chorin will suck a bit, but the rest makes up for it

Redshirt

Tara Strong as my platonic friend/Wing Girl, because she seems like the type of person who knows how to party.

Sure she has a figure that people pay good money to get, but I accept she’s way out of my league and there’s always the chance that if she’s mad at me, she’ll skip into one her voice roles when we’re intimate just to piss me off.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Olympic ice dancer Tessa Virtue in the girlfriend/consort slot.

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Last edited 6 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, shit. I was going to select Paulina Gretzky as my Minister of Partying Down but it turns out she’s technically American. Back to the big board…

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blaxabbath

Like Al Davis to a moth with 4.40 speed….

https://youtu.be/dX9cHcJaAPM?si=cLQZKdbLJzt2IUuV

Senor Weaselo

Joey Votto, for baseball humor.

BugEyedBoo

Sarah McLaughlin, Minister of Culture and BEB crush maintainer.

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BugEyedBoo

Missed a trick there.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wayne Gretzky to be my hockey tutor.

King Hippo

Emily Haines, personal shame-r

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Question: can we assign Canadiens to people? Like Seth Rogen to Litre or Chad Kroeger to whomever has pissed us off?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of the new batch of KSK writers – can’t remember which one – knew Chad personally and actually had some pretty nice things to say about him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Who gets stuck with Avril LaVigne?

King Hippo

Who is our sk8r boi??

Game Time Decision

Napanee’s finest

Gumbygirl

We’d spend all damn day shooting each other the Bieber.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take Lorne Michaels as my business advisor/to give me a lucrative career in entertainment well beyond the point/even if I’m not funny (e.g. Rob Schneider)

Senor Weaselo

Sandwich consultant, The Maestro.

/drops mic… on foot

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Your foot is also a sandwich.

Gumbygirl

Massholes.

King Hippo

Kaylyn Kyle, football watching/discussing friend

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Last edited 6 months ago by King Hippo
ballsofsteelandfury

“friend”…

King Hippo

At this point, I’d be too nervous to even try holding her hand FFS

ballsofsteelandfury

Some shoulders for teh Hippo

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Last edited 6 months ago by ballsofsteelandfury
King Hippo

#Priorities

WCS

Rick Moranis

Don T

That was gonna be my 2nd pick.
tl, dr BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WCS

Mutually assured destruction then.

I wanted Hartman.

Don T

Phil Hartman.
Best. Performer. Ever.