Morning, eh? Today’s the day of the total solar eclipse. My son lives in Burlington, VT, right in the path. We could have gone up and had a free place to stay and see it, but instead I have to deal with two Court hearings, one of them the result of nothing more than a judge on a power-trip scheduling, and refusing to mark off, a hearing in a case that she’s been told is about to settle.
This makes me very angry, and the only sure cure for that is to turn to America’s Hat, our neighboUrs to the North, the politest, “Souriest” people you’ve ever met, those fucking Canucks, our Canadian brethren.
That’s right people, thanks to the fertile, (I assume, anyway), mind of frequent contributor Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, we’re drafting Canadiens this week. Per the rules that RTD proposed in his proposal you are drafting a Canadian celebrity to serve a specific role for you. If there’s a Canadian you’ve been dying to have act as your butler, chauffeur, gofer, golfer, masseuse, (am I at 250 words yet? No?), producer, director, actor, well, now’s your chance.
Per RTD you may pick a Canadian to (consensually) serve as your boyfriend/girlfriend/no-strings-attached-eh? fuckbuddy but only one such pick. Please do not draft the roster for a Canadian gang bang. Although now that I write that it may become the topic of another (very regrettable) draft. Also I will add this rule: whoever you draft you have them for the entirety of their career/life to date. In other words you can draft Jamie Sale
for your Canadian side piece, and there’s no doubt that she was a stunningly attractive woman back in her figure skating days, but you are getting the entire Jamie Sale experience with that pick. Bon chance with that, or however you devastatingly polite people say ‘good luck.’
Also, Bobby Orr supports Donald Trump? That is disappointing, although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything someone who played hockey that long without a helmet thinks.
Once a Canadian has been drafted they are off the board for all purposes. One person can’t draft Justin Trudeau for, say, fashion advice
and then another draft him as a Halloween costume consultant
although given those two pictures there’s a solid argument that Trudeau shouldn’t be drafted for much of anything. You can, however, draft different Canadians for the same roles, so there could be multiple Canadian chauffeurs for example, so long as each chauffeur was a different Canadian.
All your Canadian has to be to qualify is Canadian at one time or another. They do not currently need to be walking the Earth, nor currently residing in Canada. After some thought on a question I know I will get I am also going to make an authorial decision and allow fictional Canadians as well.
Which brings us to our Commissioner, the RCMP’s finest
Dudley Do-Right.
With the first pick Rikki is going to take John Candy, in the role of Court Jester. A fine pick.
With the second pick I am taking Canadian native, (but now apparently a fellow Nutmegger, at least part time) (must be the UConn/Yukon Huskies thing), Ryan Reynolds
(the one on the left), as my financial advisor. Guy’s worth $350 million, (per the arrow you click on where it says “how much is Ryan Reynolds worth” on the internet, which I’m totally sure is accurate and based on only the finest and most well-sourced information), owns a gin company, a phone company, a soccer team you may have heard of, and probably 10-12 other things as well. I could probably also get some work-out/nutrition tips as well, neither of which I would follow, because I am an American and we don’t do “nutrition.”
Also he acts.
The rest of you are on the clock!
Wolverine as my bodyguard.
It’s completely overcast here-the eclipse is just a rumor.
same, booooo
have glasses at the ready incase the sky magically clears
I saw it, we had about 50% coverage in SoCal.
https://youtu.be/-3U3Sby4zko
Okay, sun, same thing.
Holy fucking shit, the sky is clear and we’re halfway to totality. This shit is going to happen!
Impressed at your typing with gravy-covered fingers
Same here. Had to take a roadtrip and sacrifice a paycheck but it’s worth it.
This is my 2nd total eclipse.
That’s awesome!
Is yeah right at the eclipse?
pics or it didn’t happen.
On the Slack channel. Too geeked to post here.
6. Need a minstrel and while it feels weird turning up my nose at late-round-steal Leonard Cohen, I’m going to go with Daniel Lanois, who’s just got a much broader toolset and can produce much cheerier music if I’m in a festive mood.
Celine Dion will be employed to keep me from eating more than 200 calories per week
I’m officially drafting Professor Tricia for my Women’s Studies class
Fuck you!
I would like to draft ME, the All-American boy
https://ibb.co/By5fPV4
Please show passport number and bank account info so we can confirm, thx
https://youtu.be/Z6E98ZRaU1s?si=198x9HQdaiyfY0Vl
Sorry, got distracted by the 50% eclipse in LA.
Can I still pick Shannon Tweed as B-movie consultant?
As long as she’s Canadian.
She’s a Newfie
My mom is a Newfie. So is Dustan, if I understand it correctly.
my moms is also a Newfie
/prob explains a lot
I’m only half-Newfie!
/revision/latest?cb=20220505014545
Laird Jaysus.
Claire Boucher (aka Grimes or “Grimey” as she likes to be called), personal Elon Musk assassin.
gross, Elon stench
yeah but those shoulders, man!!!
Tanis.
What? She’s a hell of a cook by all accounts.
(edited because first picture sucked)
Neil Young, for guitar lessons
Wikipedia lists Deadpool (Wade Wilson) as Canadian, and since fictional characters are allowed, can I take him even though Ryan Reynolds is off the board?
I don’t see why not.
Apropos of nothing, tonight is the 32nd anniversary of the night I met Mrs. Horatio.
I sure hope what she wanted was to watch the UConn-Purdue game while I drink beer and swear at the TV.
She’s a lucky woman.
Isn’t this EXACTLY why Lowratio exists?
Huh? He’s a dwarf, not a leprechaun. SMH.
He’s no ordinary dwarf, Dopey. He’s a SEX DWARF!
WOO HOO TAKE THAT STUPID APOLLO!
I’ll take Ryan Gosling as my housecleaner. His wife can stay here too.
1st round I’m going with Chelan Simmons as my… personal… assistant…
I would like to draft Justin Bieber as my whipping boy/bullet proof vest tester
5. Jason Priestley as my chauffeur. The man drives race cars. What could possib-lie go wrong?
I’ll take Fergie Jenkins as baseball coach and regaler of tales of the Cubs back in the day.
Next, I need a muffin warmer so I’ll go with Kate Bock
John Candy as my dietician.
What about the Blair Witch as your movie companion?
He’s literally picked in the post.
But you said we could pick the same person for different roles!
He did not.
Wait, she’s Canadian??
Some of her aftermarket parts might be.
Dammit! Reading comprehension fail!
Just get on with it and pick Shannon Tweed already
RIF.
4. Leslie Nielsen, personal physician *and* head of security.
Keanu Reeves, vibes consultant.
https://youtu.be/IGXHPuU-Ke4?si=yk1SI63a2BBDG2C5
I’ll take Alanis Morisette as karaoke partner/skeeball coach/deity
I hear she’s a fun pal to go see movies with, too.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about that benefit
3. Pamela Anderson as my lifeguard. I understand by the draft rules this would be a look-don’t-touch situation for myself personally, but I can live with that plus I don’t see anything in the draft rules that precludes her getting involved with Tessa in a Jerry Falwell Jr. type situation.
Absolutely ignoring the “you are getting the entire [person X} experience.”
Good luck with that hepatitis.
Hey, at a minimum he gets a flotation device
I thought she had those removed?
She did. And then got them again.
The above reasons are why I picked her as lifeguard and not consort.
Next pick I’ll go with Shania I need a personal chanteuse.
Emily St. John Mandel, muse (and now I have work calls to deal with)
I’ll take Manon Rheaume as my, as my pant stretcher.
I need a bass player.
Ok Geddy, you’re in.
https://youtu.be/VbC8BHHeZZ0?si=80YKhL8fazugYD9Z
Soixante-six, Mario Lemieux
Peter North to be my sex tutor.
Dave Foley, Hippo Thoughts correspondent
Beckie is my girl next door and Minister of Sport.
Wayne from LetterKenny as a best bud.
Sure, chorin will suck a bit, but the rest makes up for it
Pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er.
Which is another way of saying I expect there to be a Letterkenny run in the very near future.
Tara Strong as my platonic friend/Wing Girl, because she seems like the type of person who knows how to party.
Sure she has a figure that people pay good money to get, but I accept she’s way out of my league and there’s always the chance that if she’s mad at me, she’ll skip into one her voice roles when we’re intimate just to piss me off.
2. Olympic ice dancer Tessa Virtue in the girlfriend/consort slot.
Ah, shit. I was going to select Paulina Gretzky as my Minister of Partying Down but it turns out she’s technically American. Back to the big board…
Like Al Davis to a moth with 4.40 speed….
https://youtu.be/dX9cHcJaAPM?si=cLQZKdbLJzt2IUuV
Ross Rhea, bodyguard.
Gonna need one now that Ryan Reynolds has made me all that money.
Joey Votto, for baseball humor.
Sarah McLaughlin, Minister of Culture and BEB crush maintainer.
I would have taken her as animal rescue coordinator
Missed a trick there.
Wayne Gretzky to be my hockey tutor.
Emily Haines, personal shame-r
Question: can we assign Canadiens to people? Like Seth Rogen to Litre or Chad Kroeger to whomever has pissed us off?
No, but I like where your head’s at.
One of the new batch of KSK writers – can’t remember which one – knew Chad personally and actually had some pretty nice things to say about him.
Who gets stuck with Avril LaVigne?
Who is our sk8r boi??
Napanee’s finest
We’d spend all damn day shooting each other the Bieber.
I’ll take Lorne Michaels as my business advisor/to give me a lucrative career in entertainment well beyond the point/even if I’m not funny (e.g. Rob Schneider)
Sandwich consultant, The Maestro.
/drops mic… on foot
Your foot is also a sandwich.
Also this was recently brought to my attention:
https://www.wistv.com/story/5664109/massachusetts-court-decides-a-burrito-is-not-a-sandwich/
Massholes.
The decision to allow fictional Canadians pays off!
Kaylyn Kyle, football watching/discussing friend
“friend”…
At this point, I’d be too nervous to even try holding her hand FFS
Some shoulders for teh Hippo
Damn, someone doesn’t skip abs day.
But does skip lunch.
#Priorities
Rick Moranis
That was gonna be my 2nd pick.
tl, dr BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mutually assured destruction then.
I wanted Hartman.
Phil Hartman.
Best. Performer. Ever.