Hey, it’s another Monday, and that means I have to write a mock draft. It’s also Evening 3 of a 4-day weekend which means, you guessed it, I’ve had a couple. And by a couple I mean one margarita at my mother’s birthday lunch, (strawberry with a spice that I’ve already forgotten; it was not a great margarita), followed by a margarita I made myself after mowing and raking the lawn, (and I’ve got an acre of it), then removing the grass piles to the compost pile, then walking the dog. The margarita I made consisted of the following:
3 oz. resposado tequila
1.5 oz. Pomegranate Triple Sec
2 oz. Rose’s lime juice. (straight lime juice is better, but I was out and the store closed)
1 oz. Grand Marnier
It’s basically the Stone Cold Steve Austin recipe with pomegranate tagged in and the lime juice boosted. He is likely right about actual limes being better than lime juice, but ain’t nobody got the time for that shit, Steve. There’s drinking to be done. The pomegranate, in my humble opinion, takes it to another level. Also pomegranate is a superfood, so it’s really good for you despite what the 5.5 oz. of liquor will do to your liver. Suck it up, little buddy; we’re on a mini-vacation and you had yesterday off.
Anyhoodles, it being Memorial Day I expect most of you will be out and about, or aboot, unless you’re in CT, where after three days of gorgeous weather, (I was actually able to do some much needed exterior painting and gutter cleaning!), Memorial Day itself is headed for a washout and our town’s famous 400 yard parade, (I’m not kidding), has already been canceled. So this is gonna be a short topic and I’m already at 280 words so why am I still typing?
Draft a holiday. Your favorite. Your second favorite. One you just made up. Whatever. Just have fun with it and let’s all drink a bit too much, (but not drive), maybe burn one with a loved one, (or complete stranger), and grill some meat or meat-like products. Maybe watch ‘Saving Private Ryan, (or ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates’)
while remembering that this holiday is for the guys (and gals) who died, while the guys (and gals) who got out alive get their day in November.
Speaking of November, Thanksgiving is off the board as my first pick. The Manchester Road Race in the morning, (back when I had knees that would allow me to run just short of 5 miles), followed but the Detroit Lions “playing” “football,” followed but Gluttony Round 1, followed by Dallas versus Someone, followed be dessert, followed by Random Evening Game Because Why Not, followed by Gluttony Round 2. Really, the most American holiday possible.
The rest of you are on the clock.
[…] [From the Holiday Mock Draft] […]
One more? How about a deep cut?
https://youtu.be/mhrAWDPpVsg?si=qaDtjv6OydRzxFFh
Tomorrow is National Hamburger Day.
I’m taking April Fools Day…hah! Fooled ya! It’s 4/20 for me, duh.
Annnnnnnd
I’ll take 4/21, because I will still be high!
https://youtu.be/Xxz2m7BFBrU?si=k61wsih8rEevbsbK
“Or, as he liked to be called, I. Ron Butterfly…”
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/doug-ingle-iron-butterfly-founder-sang-gadda-da-vida-dies-78-rcna154149
Wonder if he’ll be bura in a gadda or cremata
The future of the Raiders is now secured!
https://x.com/nflnotify/status/1795151737382170666?s=46&t=ZSOVCRbS7N9ur50jmhMuqg
HI I’M PAPPY DAVIS!
2. Nobody’s taken Super Bowl Sunday as a holiday?
I’ve been to some pretty kickass Diwali parties
I suggest a Charlie Day. That’s the day we eat a block of cheese and do Charlie work.
June 6
National Sex Day
https://www.dictionary.com/e/pop-culture/national-sex-day/
Seems like something that should be celebrated through the 9th.
That’s the day that the link actually says it is – 6/9.
Man, I hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Wait, no, that’s too harsh. Maybe no butts for a week.
No, that’s still too harsh. Maybe dock them a late round pick next week or something.
As always, I’m an idiot.
Festivus. Nothing like a good airing of grievances!
Duke Schadenfreude Day.
Also Leafs and Pat’s Schadenfreude day
Opening Day.
Baseball, you mean?
Is there any other that comes to mind?
“The Parting of the Thighs, but that’s more of a regional festival than a holiday.” – Balls
That’s how I took it.
A day heavy on drinking with no actual idea why you’re doing it? Sure, why not?
Cinco De Mayo!
The morning after Cinco is one of the best days to surf if you hate crowds – most people are too hungover to get out there.
I’ll take 4/20 due to its marijuana implications, not because it’s Hitler’s birthday.
“Great pick!”
RIP
(rest in pot)
We also accepted “what Bill is doing to a bong in the afterlife as we speak”.
2. And since I’m hours late I’m gonna go snake style here and snatch up “Fat Tuesday” aka Mardi Gras aka Carnivale.
Good value.
Dammit!! I should have thought of that!
My first thought was to make a joke about you drafting “Butt Day” and then I was like…wait, has anybody taken Mardi Gras yet?
Right?? It’s already there!!
What if two holidays fall on the same day? Since we’re drafting *holidays* and not the day itself, I’m going to assume it’s valid for me to draft “Pi Day”, aka 3.14.
Purim. Hamantaschen, costumes, mandatory drunkeness. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purim
The Purim bar mitzvah I played was the WORST. Damn kids.
September 19. Talk Like A Pirate Day
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Talk_Like_a_Pirate_Day
Fucker
I think you meant to say, “Arrrrr!”
That’s my mom’s birthday
I guess it was inevitable that the Pac-12 and Bill Walton would go out together.
“Conference of Champions!”
https://x.com/SonnyBunch/status/1793066428251120127
I heard that nobody picked it up at Cannes, either, which is fucking awesome because it means that Snyder won’t make any money back!
Easter kind of gets overlooked. For being the pinnacle of Christianity, there are very few songs, movies, and vacations taken about it.
The candy is good, and anytime The Ten Commandments is on, Anne Baxter as Princess Neferetiti is a good thing.
It’s kind of a weird holiday, though, isn’t it?
In a lot of places, it doesn’t even give you a day off work.
For those who aren’t devout Christians, it doesn’t have much secular appeal like Christmas does, especially if you don’t have kids.
And for the Christians, it’s kind of all over the map emotionally, isn’t it? Christmas is all happy time, the Lord is born, joy to the world, etc. etc. Easter is like that Simpsons bit:
“Our Lord is dead. That’s bad. But he has risen again! That’s good! But he’s immediately leaving our world. That’s bad. Ah, but his sacrifice has granted us all eternal life, provided we worship him! That’s …. good?”
Ngl, I kinda of low-key hate holidays, becaise as an adult they’ve been disappointing
Either I fail to make meaningful plans, or people inform me of them too late
I’m not joking when I say since getting out of college, no one in my social circles puts as much effort into holiday parties as when I was growing up.
Obviously it’s the economy and perpetual shit hand that millennials got handed, but seriously, no one I know is having a cook out
I guess I didn’t tank hard enough to win the draft lottery, so have to find some value in the mid-first round with:
Labo(u)r Day
Still summertime, grilling and drinks, no tedious traditions to deal with. Not bad!
I was born on a Labor Day.
My present was a new school year until I 18. And then again from 20 to 25.
I mean, technically, everyone is born on a labor day.
You are the same day as my brother, the 4th, I believe. My sister is the 3rd. Gumby is the 1st. My poor mom was in labor twice on labor day.
Groundhog day.
Groundhog day.
Groundhog day.
Also known as the Blair Witch’s Birthday.
Can you Blair Witch yourself? Seems unpossible.
Outstanding, sir.
Will go with Victoria Day, it’s the 3rd Monday in May and the kinda start of summer. Plus fireworks.
Veteran’s Day obviously for me, and I fully expect to get my ass kissed.
(Oddly, I got out when I was barely 23, and never talked about it at all. PTSD and all that. It wasn’t until I turned 50 I started talking about it, and now I never shut up. I’ve turned into Walter Sobchak).
A guy from Texas taught me this and it’s pretty good:
BEER MARGARITA
12oz can frozen concentrate lime juice
Your favorite tequila
Your favorite Mexican beer
Blender with ice
Empty can of frozen concentrate lime juice into blender. Using the empty can, fill it with tequila and add to blender. Now fill the can with beer and add to blender. Fill blender with ice. Blend until Slurpee consistency. Serve in empty coconut shells with 30.06 bullets on the side.
.270 Winchesters will also do in a pinch
Hunter Thompson approved.
https://youtu.be/jeYCyCaK_5k?si=6HhYV_l-7hZo6HNe
Presidents Day. Day off of work and no expectation to do anything with it except maybe travel.
https://youtu.be/fUNTk5xsxk4?si=GAkofVaEUZQnv1mR
Or take a trip?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsYqIJqlPNc
Favorite Scottish holiday?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1mJRmM7Ql4
How Reacting Reasonably is Pater Familius Horatio about the Marseca thing? Because the chav natives seem…PRETTY REACTING REASONABLY
National Donut Day June 7th
Because after National Sex Day, you really need a donut.
I’m a double idiot. I swear I haven’t been drinking…
I’m going to invent Dimes Day.
Pros:
It runs a non-consecutive 17 days from September to early January, mostly Sundays but a Monday or Thursday here and there. So, lots of time off.
Cons:
You’ll be beaten to a pulp without any notice. A tire iron to the head, maybe a baseball bat to the shin-every week will be a new adventure.
Well if it’s still on the board I’ll take Christmas, but I’m not going to church.
Saint Patrick’s Day for all of the obvious reasons.
Kwanzaa obvs (/Gilkey raises fist)
Inspired by Balls (and balls), I’ll take Steak and Blowjob Day (March 14th)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steak_and_Blowjob_Day
The Ides of March is mine.
Since BFC took my choice, I’ll go with April 18
https://www.internationaldays.co/event/anal-sex-day/r/recXcu58L09Om5PVn
Oh we can go with fake holidays? I know my next pick.
Sir, how dare you imply that’s fake? I celebrate every year!
In fairness, you’d celebrate it every day if you could.
My daughter did that “Thanks for your service, Dad,” thing on Memorial Day a few years back. I told her I was still alive, but check with me come November.
Holiday: Arbor Day. Who doesn’t love trees?
I get that too. A common mistake I just gently correct. I make a point of telling them about a brother who didn’t come back. My way of honoring those who are the point.
I’ll take Halloween. As a kid, it’s about candy. As a young adult, it’s about hedonism. As an older adult, it’s about candy, drinking, and seeing fun costumes.
Damn. Woke up too late for this one
I’m taking July 1st off the board because I have to. This is the sculpture that greets folks at the edge of town.
(the holiday weekend was called “Atom Days” or somesuch because it was a uranium mining town. That continued long after the mines closed and I thought that was hilarious and sad at the same time)
July 4th was my favorite, but I’ve been told it’s weirdbad here. So… I guess I’m taking applications?
also this: