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Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad [in bed].
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Life’s much better, and warmer in bed, with a partner.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
How are we defining bad movies? Because Happy Gilmore is also amazing and terrible and Christopher McDonald gave a genuinely good acting performance as Shooter McGavin. Fully committed, loved it.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
It’s completely subjective, therefore ensuring arguments and wasting more of your employer’s time.
Horatio Cornblower
Bun
Unsurprised
While there are downsides to having married a lawyer (the primary one being that she has been professionally trained to argue for a living) one of the definite upsides is that I have a built-in escape hatch for anything that I think is a scam: “Hang on, let me consult with my attorney. Honey? There’s a guy on the phone that says…”
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Fuck scammers
This also includes both candidates on the GOP presidential ticket this year, but that’s besides the point.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
It’s been quite a week!
The job hunt is already back to the optimistic phase, with 4 recruiter calls scheduled this week. I like the optimistic phase.
Happy Prime day y’all, although smh I can’t believe how commercial it’s gotten
Doktor Zymm
Welp, time for a little trip down memory lane from the 2000 RNC. Some of Colbert’s best work, IMHO.
Jon Stewart: “What’s your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?”
Stephen Colbert: (with graphic identifying him as senior floor correspondent) “Well, Jon, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivity, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that rolls over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates’ bloated, pustulant bodies twisting from one obscene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor. And all of them driven like goats to the slaughter by their infernal masters on the podium, known by many names: Beelzebub, Baalzebul, Mammon, Abaddon, Feratis, Asmodeus, Satan, Lucifer, Nick, Old Scratch, the Ancient Enemy, and He Who Shall Not Be Named. This is Hell, Jon, where the damned languish forever in a black flame that gives no heat, sheds no light, yet consumes the flesh forever and will not go out.
Jon?”
BeefReeferLives
Ah, 2000 Republican Party. I miss you.
Don’t look at me like that. I had to spend 30 minutes listening to my mom talk about how changed Trump is after his brush with death. After Minute 14, I started to eat my own ears off.
Redshirt
Braised short-rib taco ($5)
Brick Meathook
Can we talk about the latest version of “is it a catch”? Now in the AFL it’s “is it a dangerous tackle?” Two tackles earned players 3 game suspensions (each) for moves that most people believe were not intended to cause harm but their bans upheld upon appeal to the tribunal:
Now I’m just an unfrozen caveman american, but even the Richmond Tigers fans (on reddit) seem gobsmacked that Bedford got three games for running down Taranto while a player punching another player gets one.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
wonder how many games for punching another player that then gets a concussion?
Game Time Decision
James Harrison will be fined.
WCS
and Janay Rice apologizes for her role in the incident
Game Time Decision
Alright last joke before I go to bed:
How come Barbie can’t get pregnant?
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Because Ken comes in a different box
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Found what might be the dumbest joke I’ve ever seen:
“Hey man, you ready for the party?”
“Yep, check out the outfit!”
“Why are you dresses like the monster from Jaws?”
“Because every girl is crazy about a shark-dressed man!”
Brocky
I’ve told dumber
BrettFavresColonoscopy
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue?
BrettFavresColonoscopy
You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
What about the glue?
Game Time Decision
I knew you’d get stuck on that.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
caitlin clark set a new wnba record for assists in a game (19)
they still lost
big time young connor mcdavid vibes from her (assist goddess, also has a god-tier teammate to pass to, both dragging a sorry ass coach and team way further than they deserve to be)
fleshwound_NPG
cunt eastwood
fleshwound_NPG
the magnificent seven kids i never see
fleshwound_NPG
High Plains Grifter
Horatio Cornblower
Billion Dollar Crybaby
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
So you may remember a few days ago I mentioned that due to his new found bitey nature, the shih tzu now requires pills before going to the groomers.
Apparently they weren’t strong enough for them to finish around his little face, so we have a follow up appointment for him
This has the unintentional effect of him looking ridiculous
Until then, he looks like this. Do not adjust your screens. He’s not being abused, he’s just skinny.
Click at your own risk [editor: not sure how to do the spoiler thing in a post]
Brocky
Ok, this is the funniest one yet
Doktor Zymm
Is it weird that I want this? Neigh, it is awesome!
Gumbygirl
I mounted my steed
And farted and peed
When he calmed down a bit
I dropped a nice shit
SonOfSpam
Apparently the Never Trumpers are having an anti-convention at a brewery that sounds way more fun than the actual con
Doktor Zymm
Punching myself in the groin all week sounds way more fun than the actual con.
WCS
Anybody done any tv shopping lately? My existing one is a little old and doesn’t support most streaming apps, so I’ve been thinking of replacing it. I’m not terribly fussy about having something super high quality, and would like to cheap out and stay under $500 — is there anything to look out for? Looking for something in the 50-55 inch range. (Deanna F. faints)
Dunstan
WCS
JD Vance has those weirdo mascara eyes. I don’t trust him, he’s guilty of something.
Plus, he’s “anti-pornography.” Just like the most vocally homophobic guys are usually highly closeted homosexuals, the most vocally anti-pornography guys are usually great connoisseurs of porn and hookers. It’s the Jimmy Swaggart Rule.
Brick Meathook
Yeah, the man that single-handedly won Bengals games in the late 1990s to early 2000s and broke the NFL record pretty much in the 2nd half against the best rushing defense in the league and knowing every play would be a run, was passed by the fans multiple times. True, we had a backlog but he should’ve been in the 2nd year. Fans just forgot how good he was. If he was on a good team, he’d have multiple rings and be in the Hall of Fame.
Just watch the 2nd half and tell me that not Madden on Rookie.
Redshirt
I really think there should be a whole separate Hall of Fame dedicated to great players stuck on crap teams their whole career
Doktor Zymm
I had dropped off Lady LemonJello and OrangeJello at Reagan to fly out and link up with TangerineJello for a road trip from St Louis back to Fortress LemonJello. Then I went to work.
Their flight was cancelled.
So then I got to make the I-95 Mad Max/Furiosa trip again to pick them up. They’ve rebooked for tomorrow, so we’ll do this all again. Yay!!!
Send ammo and bourbon.
LemonJello
Well well well.
Reason number 11 billion why I love my family.
At work. Three this afternoon give or take I get a text.
“Dad, met for dinner at 7:15?”
This is from youngest right.
Who lives in Seattle.
“Yes”
“We’re having dinner at Kings Hawaiian in Torrance”
This is LITERALLY on my way home from work and I punched out at 6:40
King’s Hawaiian is like if Dennys only had Hawaiian food on their menu.
It was insane and wonderful and I hugged both of my daughters version 1.0 and two of the three version 2.0.
The other one is in Madrid.
Given the choice?
Choose Madrid over King’s Hawaiian.
yeah right
This year’s RAIDERS season tickets come in a treasure chest.
blaxabbath
I got your sexy right here.
litre_cola
I interviewed for a history teacher position here in town! The damn thing just sat there for two weeks with no applicants so I went for it. The interview (with the principal and vice-principal) was Monday, and I was as excited as a goddamn puppy during the thing, so my pessimism in not having heard anything back is starting to take over. Not officially dead yet, though. Hiring me on a provisional basis would not be unusual in any way, apparently, and they have a mentor system set up for new teachers. I’d start 8/1 if I get hired. If not, hopefully I still get on as a substitute, which I’ve also applied for.
I realized halfway through the thing, “oh shit. this is the first interview I’ve ever had for a job I actually want”. I am fifty-two years old. I’m not to my daydreams being optimistic. It’s cool!
Fronkenshteen
I’m coaching Girlzilla’s lesser footy team. When I took over as coach in January, their indoor record was 0-10, and they often were blownout. We ended the season at 6-4-2. In the Spring, we switched to outdoors, and improved to 8-2-2. Currently, we’re 2-0 in the summer, even beating an ‘all-star’ team.
What I’m saying is, since I can handle and improve a U8 girls team, it means I could easily manage a Premier League team without a problem because the emotional development is the same
Wakezilla
Bunch of friendlies on this weekend, footy preseason. A pit stop on my bike ride for a cold lemon soda. It be hawt out here.
2Pack
I will put it here as I put it everywhere I want! Lowratio ligue 2!
Promotion? Hell yeah!
Relegation from TWBS memorial ligue un? Bien sur!
Cost? Gratis!
Lemonjello is the commish.
*Note to teh Hippo, a bench position has been added, as well as kickers.
*Note to Dok, after draft everyone goes to FA.
https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/209105/invitation?key=3a07144c86507a29&soc_trk=lnk&ikey=79d23a09c66a6ad9
litre_cola
Aww kickers? Can we lose kickers for an extra flex or bench spot?
Sharkbait
We tried that a couple years ago but then there is nothing on the waiver wire due to 14 teams. Having said that there are 5 signed up for the Lowratio league so far. We may relegate 4 next year to even up the numbers.
Also the kicker scoring is very low. Check it out.
litre_cola
As assistant commissioner, I’m off to override all litre’s changes and to make interceptions worth +6 for the QB
Game Time Decision
THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE THE CO COMMISSIONER IS IN CASE I DIE LIKE TWBS DID!
litre_cola
Taking a date to a food and wine event tomorrow. This is an important test for her. If she can’t handle me at my gluttinous best, then she doesn’t deserve me.
Dunstan
Last week I went up to Boston (OK, Somerville; apparently both towns feel like there’s a difference) (there is no difference), to see a punk band, The Taxpayers, doing a reunion tour. A few things:
Item the first: If it’s a reunion I expect to see a band that didn’t form when I was 38. That’s frankly hurtful.
Item the second: It was an all ages show. It would have been nice to have not been in the Top 5 of the oldest people there, but alas, twas not to be.
Item the third: This band is very much “all people/genders/identities are welcome” and I’m cool with that but people, when I walk in and am immediately the most masculine person in the entire room, even with my very recent pedicure and clear-coated toenails, we need to have a discussion.
Item the fourth: The Taxpayers do a sliding scale on merchandise, (very cool), asking people to pay what they can afford on posters, etc. I paid the max for a T-shirt and poster, because I remember my teenage punk years and what $50 would mean to a band like this. The kids at these shows may look at me as a middle-aged attorney sell-out but please keep in mind not only do we vote largely the same way, but politicians return my calls and I’m the reason the band you’re cheering on is going to have bread for their sandwiches tonight.
Item the fifth: When did kids stop showering? I get it, I’m old. I’m not sure when having a beard and nice tits became a thing, or being 6’0″ with broad shoulders and a stunning A-line black dress did the same, but I’m cool with it. What I’m not cool with is the entire room smelling like my high school locker room after gym class. Soap and hot water is not uncool you little shits, and the sooner you realize that the better for all of us.
Item the sixth: This song kicks all kinds of ass and deserve so much more attention than it gets. The Taxpayers were very hit or miss for me, (love their attitude, though), but they have 3-4 really good songs, and this one is just an absolute banger. They should get rich off this one, but won’t because some AI-generated piece of shit will.
Anyway, very long story longer, go give The Taxpayers money.
Horatio Cornblower
Hopefully Harris gonna be the next president! LFG!!!! 🥥
Also we’re gonna get our first First DUDE!!!! That would be ROCKING!!
rockingdog
This thread is about cooking right?
2Pack
Before I scroll down, just got back from the footy. What’s up America?
litre_cola
LemonJello
I’m happy we’re not doing the rematch, although I hate how we got here. I just hope the Dem bungling up till now doesn’t stick. And kudos to Biden for the timing, good call letting the Reps waste their convention and then stealing the spotlight.
Doktor Zymm
As was said elsewhere on the Internet recently, I am tired of living in interesting times.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Holy Shit! Biden Down! Biden Down!
scotchnaut
How does this effect the Leafs playoff chances?
Mr. Ayo
Got a minute to spare? Have you heard about our Lord and Savior, Lowratio of clan Cornblower? Remember tWBS? Where am I going with all of this?
Well, we’ve started a 2nd tWBS Memorial Fantasy Football League, the Lowratio division. Here’s the link if you want to join:
https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/209105/invitation?key=3a07144c86507a29&soc_trk=lnk&ikey=79d23a09c66a6ad9
Top teams will be promoted to the Freezer Vodka division, their bottom teams will be relegated to the (better) Lowratio division.
7 [ 8 as of writing the post Monday afternoon] teams have joined so far, but there’s room for more!
I am the commish, but don’t let that drive you off.
C’mon, you know you want to do it!
LemonJello
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
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